Opinions wanted - odd relationship

LegacyUser

Hello all

Me and my gf have been together for nearly 2 years. We get on great and I am generally happy in the relationship. However, there is one really abnormal aspect to it - our sex life. Basically it doesn't really exist. Over the course of the relationship we have probably had sex about 3 or 4 times. We tried constantly at the start but were impeded by what I have recently found out to be a psycho-physical thing on her part. It seems however that those experiences have put me off a bit (quite a bit), as it was very awkward and a far from enjoyable experience as I thought I was in some way hurting her, which I suppose then led me to think that I was in some way forcing her into something she didn't want to/wasn't ready to do.

Anyway since that we have had sex a few times, never very enjoyable on my part at least and always seemingly very tense. At this stage I should point out that I was her first time, while my first time was a once-off a while before that, so I'm not putting the bad sex down to her at all, I imagine I am fairly awful in bed too. Anyway, what's troubling me at the moment is that she is away at the moment studying abroad, so while I miss her I also have this feeling of "why am I still in this?". She was insistent we stay together while she went away, and I had no problems with that, as apart from the sex everything is perfect, and I trust her as well. But now I'm kinda feeling like I'm wasting my youth stuck in what is I would imagine quite an unnatural relationship.

I'd like your opinions on what I've said here, maybe advice or just general comments. I haven't told anyone this as it's obviously quite private stuff and a lot of my mates would know her quite well anyway. Thank you.

LegacyUser

In the same boat, quite similar story actually!

From my experience, over time it will eat away at you and eventually take it's toll on the relationship.

If your on the same page, then maybe yous can work at it. Do you both want it or...?

amazingemmet

AmazingEmmet's amazing advice: Bail life isn't worth wasting on frigid women

LegacyUser

amazingemmet wrote: »

AmazingEmmet's amazing advice: Bail life isn't worth wasting on frigid women

That is incredibly harsh. She has psychological issues about this.

Op http://www.wellwomancentre.ie/index.php?p=services

Counselling
General Counselling, including sexual abuse, depression, relationship, stress, self-esteem, and Hepatitis C is available in all our centres. Specialist appointments for psycho-sexual issues, vaginismus, eating disorders and couple counselling sessions may be made through our Pembroke Road medical centre.

shellyboo

Does she think it's a problem, OP? Or is she happy with how things are?

sugardan

IMO it sounds like a psychological poblem suggest she discuss it with her gp.
remain patient and be there for her perhaps it''s difficult for her to discuss it.

LegacyUser

Why are you staying in a bf-gf relationship with her? If you are not having sex you might as well just break up and be friends. It'll be pretty much the same as it is now except you can find a girl who is up for a real relationship. If you are in a relationship with someone it's because you are sexually attracted to them. If you are not having sex, whats the point.

LegacyUser

I am not a doctor but it sounds like vaginismus where the muscles of the vagina tense up to much that penetration is impossible/painful/very uncomfortable.

Often is caused by psychological issues. The good news is it CAN be successfully treated with some talking therapy.

There is nothing wrong with the girl, her body just needs to learn new techniques for relaxing.

Back to the Doc and keep supporting her. Its not your fault OP.
Best of luck to you both.

LegacyUser

My gf and I had this problem too. I think it's quite common. Women can get tense from time to time. We got over it and have a healthy sex life. I think we have good sex because I took time with her and made her feel comfortable around me. You need to make sure she feels gorgeous and that she enjoys any physical contact you have. For instance, you say you haven't had much sex even before her so would you know how to pleasure her? I don't mean to sound crude but make sure to touch the right spots (the clit) and know how to lick her out too would be my advice. In time I reckon she'll try other things with you!

Wibbs

amazingemmet wrote: »

AmazingEmmet's amazing advice: Bail life isn't worth wasting on frigid women

The rest of the world has long passed the point of using the term "frigid". Please pick better advice in future. That goes for anyone else too. Please Think before you click Post. Thanks.

ManOfMystery

Have you actually talked to her about this? What are her views on it? Does she miss that phsyical side of the relationship or is she happy without?

I agree that 3-4 times in a 2yr relationship is slightly unnatural. Sex is a vital part of any relationship; without that intimacy and bond, you may as well just be friends.

Swampy

amazingemmet wrote: »

AmazingEmmet's amazing advice: Bail life isn't worth wasting on frigid women

Seriously, I do have to agree with AmazingEmmets fantastically blunt statement. It says it all. In my opinion you can't have a health relationship without good sex.

Danniboo

amazingemmet wrote: »

AmazingEmmet's amazing advice: Bail life isn't worth wasting on frigid women

DanniboosdamngoodreplytoAmazingEmmetandthoselikehim: Your girlfriend should bail life isn't worth wasting on men who are that shallow they think that sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

ibarelycare

Danniboo wrote: »

DanniboosdamngoodreplytoAmazingEmmetandthoselikehim: Your girlfriend should bail life isn't worth wasting on men who are that shallow they think that sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

Yes but it is ONE of the most important things.

OP do you have any physical relationship whatsoever? When you kiss does it ever get hot and heavy and you both get turned on but then stop because you know you can't have sex? Do you touch each other? Is it just the act of sexual intercourse that doesn't take place or is there any sexual action going on at all?

ManOfMystery

Danniboo wrote: »

DanniboosdamngoodreplytoAmazingEmmetandthoselikehim: Your girlfriend should bail life isn't worth wasting on men who are that shallow they think that sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

It's not the most important thing, but it's certainly high up in the list. The amount of threads in this section alone about lack of sex in relationships (and the ensuing problems) is testament to that.

amazingemmet

Danniboo wrote: »

DanniboosdamngoodreplytoAmazingEmmetandthoselikehim: Your girlfriend should bail life isn't worth wasting on men who are that shallow they think that sex is the most important thing in a relationship.

In a sexual realtionship sex is the most important things, being physically close and having sex is responsible for releasing those hormones which enable deep pair bonding to deny that is to deny life. Its possible to have an amazing deep meaningful fulfilling close relationship with members of the opposite sex with out having sex, i generally call those people friends. But to be in a relationship what is exclusive and not fulfilling your sexual needs is a waste of time.

Danniboo

amazingemmet wrote: »

In a sexual realtionship sex is the most important things, being physically close and having sex is responsible for releasing those hormones which enable deep pair bonding to deny that is to deny life. Its possible to have an amazing deep meaningful fulfilling close relationship with members of the opposite sex with out having sex, i generally call those people friends. But to be in a relationship what is exclusive and not fulfilling your sexual needs is a waste of time.

No you said "frigid" women I do believe. If you truly love someone and they have a psychological problem most decent people would stick around and try and help them out, not pack in a 2 year relationship because they're not getting any.:rolleyes:

amazingemmet

Danniboo wrote: »

No you said "frigid" women I do believe. If you truly love someone and they have a psychological problem most decent people would stick around and try and help them out, not pack in a 2 year relationship because they're not getting any.:rolleyes:

I have frigid friends. Whats your point?

mood

reg33 wrote: »

That is incredibly harsh. She has psychological issues about this.

Op http://www.wellwomancentre.ie/index.php?p=services

Counselling
General Counselling, including sexual abuse, depression, relationship, stress, self-esteem, and Hepatitis C is available in all our centres. Specialist appointments for psycho-sexual issues, vaginismus, eating disorders and couple counselling sessions may be made through our Pembroke Road medical centre.

After two years if you haven't work this out between you professional help is needed. You should chat to your girlfriend and if she wants the two of you to over come this suggest contacting an organisation like mentioned above. I'm sure it will be a slow process so be patient.

Danniboo

amazingemmet wrote: »

I have frigid friends. Whats your point?

What are you on about?

Miss Fluff

Danniboo wrote: »

No you said "frigid" women I do believe. If you truly love someone and they have a psychological problem most decent people would stick around and try and help them out, not pack in a 2 year relationship because they're not getting any.:rolleyes:

Well to be honest I don't see the point in wasting any more of your time in this "relationship" if you are either:

Not having sex

Or not seeking professional help which will enable you both to have a healthy fulfilling sex life in the near future

Otherwise it is just a farce and regardless of how much you love her, it is not normal or healthy to have a sexless relationship. It means you are friends. Is this not a massive cause of concern/anxiety for her also? What steps has she taken to something about this?

LegacyUser

Key questions: does she want to have sex? Does she understand that you really DO want to have sex?
It sounds like she may have her head in the sand about the issue, perhaps she gets a lot of her needs met by cuddling/that type of intimacy and is under the impression after 2 years that the OP is more or less content with that too.

From the OP it didn't sound like you have ever had a really in-depth discussion about what the source of her inhibition might be - if this is the case then she has had no reason to take her head out of the sand yet. After all - she doesn't want to have sex (it seems), she's not having it - therefore she doesn't have a problem!

So it all depends on whether she is even willing to discuss it - with the help of a counsellor, ideally. It could be anything from previous abuse to a religious background associating sex with sin to a physical issue like vaginismus. Obviously has to be approached sensitively but one suggestion to get across to her that you really do mean it is to tell her that you've been thinking about your life without sex and you are thinking of going to a counsellor/therapist to get some insight on the situation. She doesn't have to come but you want to explore what it means for your life. Then she has to decide whether SHE wants to confront the issue and come with you.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=

Op http://www.wellwomancentre.ie/index.php?p=services

Counselling
General Counselling, including sexual abuse, depression, relationship, stress, self-esteem, and Hepatitis C is available in all our centres. Specialist appointments for psycho-sexual issues, vaginismus, eating disorders and couple counselling sessions may be made through our Pembroke Road medical centre.[/QUOTE]

+1

mt44,
I was *that* girl a few years ago. This is something that you need to sit down and talk with her about, and if you want a future together, counselling would be your best bet. It could just be "first time nerves" for her, or something much deeper. She may have had some sort of sexual experience before you that has made her so tense.

In my case, I was abused as a young girl by my older brother's friend who I viewed as a my friend. As a result of this, I always had serious issues in relationships. As soon as I got into a relationship with a guy, whenever we'd get close & friendly, I couldn't stand any sort of sexual touching, and we always ended up splitting up. It was horrible, but I'm (stilll!) working through it, and my last relationship was the first one I was actually able to enjoy sex with a boyfriend (we were together for a year & a half.)

It took me almost 10 years from the first time I had sex to get to that, because (like your girlfriend) I didn't talk about it with boyfriends. I was very lucky in that two of my ex's were very understanding, caring guys, who accepted & stayed me for a long time, but in the end, we broke up over our (non-existent) sex life. I never told them what I was going through at the time, and really wish I had now, because who knows how it would've worked out?

Your girlfriend may be going through something similar- please OP, just talk to her. It may take a lot of time, and it can be emotionally shattering, but actually confronting the problem was the hardest step for me. Counselling worked wonders for me-just being able to get it all out after 15+ years of not saying a word was such a relief.
Tell her how you're feeling too. Don't be issuing ultimatims or the like, but let her know that this is another side of the relationship that you want to be enjoying with her, as well as what you already have together.

Good luck OP,lots of hugs and XxX's

Gyalist

Let her go. Her problems are not yours to solve.

SarahSassy

Swampy wrote: »

Seriously, I do have to agree with AmazingEmmets fantastically blunt statement. It says it all. In MY opinion you can't have a health relationship without good sex.

I do agree....

If someone is not in a suitable mental state to have a full sexual and loving relationship with their partner then they should not be subjecting their OH's to years without intimacy... It may be time for her to go to counselling and get this sorted... Maybe when she does then there is a future for you but right now their isnt and she isnt being fair treating you like this.

Peggypeg

mt44 wrote: »

But now I'm kinda feeling like I'm wasting my youth stuck in what is I would imagine quite an unnatural relationship.

Listen to that voice. I didn't listen to my inner voice and I regret nothing more than the 5 years I wasted with someone because I didn't know how to end it. Get out now so you don't have to regret more years of wasted time. You don't need to figure out why you don't want to be in relationship, just listen to your feelings, if you feel that you want to end it then end it.

Arthurdaly

I agree with Peggy. I was in similar sexless relationship for over 3 years, the end result was that I was getting it elsewhere and I think this will happen to you eventually. At the time I never really thought it was un natural but having broken up and had some proper relationships I now realise it was a complete farce!

Get out now and spend your energies on forming a proper relationship.