Wife cheating on me with colleague, 1yr child

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just looking for advise, next steps to take etc (and a place to vent )

We're a young couple who just moved to Ireland. We got married last October in my wife's home country and have a 1 year old child.
She moved here about 2 weeks ago. I arrived 1 week later with our child.

Since I'm mainly working from home all day for my previous employer, I'm able to spend a lot of time at home with our child (tho we have a fulltime nanny for him as well).
I just opened up my personal laptop and apparently my wife had left her Facebook account open and what I saw in there broke my heart.

She's been messaging this guy who started at the same time as her and their messages are quite .. detailed. How he wants to **** her in the airport bathroom (he's off to another country for a couple of weeks training on the job) and wants her to scream his name, she telling how she misses him and wants it badly, etc..

I'm completely at a loss here .. I have no clue what to do ...

Should I confront her as soon as I see her? Should I just let things slide and see if it's just a fling?

The thing is, she's got a history with cheating in her teens. Promised me I was the one and only etc yadda yadda, got married, etc..

Thing is, I'm not sure what happens if I file for divorce; the way men are usually discriminated when it comes to custody, she'd probably be able to keep custody over the child as well! (we now have 50/50 custody)

Anyone?

Wibbs

I would say if you can seek legal advice re custody, what are your options and what you should expect out of any separation. I'd be doing this first. Forearmed is forewarned. If this is going on the way it looks it would be a crime for you and your child to have to suffer because of it.

mood

What was her response to him?

amazingemmet

I hope you took screen shots of the messages as they'll go a long way to helping your case

Wagon

Sadafasd wrote: »

Should I confront her as soon as I see her? Should I just let things slide and see if it's just a fling?

It's still cheating. Even if it's "just a fling" she is still deciding to put her family at risk for the sake of it. Useless mother right there.

Get legal advice, take screenshots of her infidelity on facebook for proof. Yes the law favours women here greatly but you can still build up a good case for yourself. Sorry to hear about this mate. How old are you both actually?

Bonito

Sorry to hear this Op.

Did you exit it the screens? If you are still signed in to her account then I'd suggest leaving the laptop on and open where she can see it when she comes in. This means you can let her know you have found her out and know what she's been up to. Make sure you are close by the laptop when she finds it and wait for her response. If she doesn't drop to her knees in tears and grovels for your forgiveness then I'm sorry to say but she's not a keeper.....

LegacyUser

Thanks for the tip re. screenshots. Just took 'em and filed away in a secure place.
I plan to take her out this evening and confront her, see what she says.

@Bonito: she's cleaning up her inbox as we speak. Not that she knows I'm signed into it but it's a regular thing she does.
Good thing I was just in time with the screenshots.

Thanks lads.

We're 25 / 23 by the way.

LegacyUser

Oh, this was her literal reply to him: "I think of you a lot as well. And could scream your name if you like that. wish you were here rite now.. "

Bonito

Same plan of action Op. Print the screen shots and leave them out on a work top or something for her to find them.

Jumpy

If you are planning to take legal action, get it prepared before breaking the news that you know.
Get a head start.

LegacyUser

Hah, and we're just 1 week into our 12-month contract for the house.. just bloody awesome.

I had a friend of hers translate some of her old emails and it seems like she's been cheating on me already 2 weeks after our marriage.

I don't have a printer at hand, so I'll type out the mails into my phone, take her out for dinner or drinks tonight, and confront her there (we've got a nanny and our child at home, I don't want them to be subjected to the verbal war that's about to ensue..)

Cheers..

Wibbs

I also agree with Jumpy get legal advice first before you confront her. Make sure any evidence you have isnt on her PC and is in a safe place. If you hid it on the PC that could be "lost" too easily.

G-Money

Sorry to hear that dude. Cheating is completely unacceptable although I'm guessing she's somehow convinced herself that it's ok.

I hate to say this as well dude, but there's no point ignoring the white elephant in the room. But if she's got a history of cheating, is currently cheating on you now and you have a 1 year old child, I'd be thinking about getting a paternity test to make sure the child is yours.

It's awful that she's treating you this way and while she might say you are the one, things have changed blah blah blah, her actions and Facebook messages prove otherwise.

Like I say, I'm not trying to make you feel worse. But she's kind of proven that she can't be trusted so you'd be well within your rights to leave.

embraer170

Print screen (F5), open Ms Paint / other prog, and click Edit -> Paste. Save them and put them somewhere safe. Perhaps open a new email account and email then to that.

embraer170

What country did you get married in?

Cheating isn't legally wrong everywhere... I know that in France judges are not meant to take it into consideration in divorce cases!

extra-ordinary_

From what you've said in your OP, all that can said for sure is that she's messaging this other person. It's possible that she hasn't gone ahead and acted on these messages.

PopUp

Wow. So she arrived in Ireland two weeks ago, started work at the same time as this new guy, and is ALREADY cheating on you with him. OP, there is no way this is the first time she's cheated. Your first step needs to be a paternity test.

I mean, what with the Xmas holidays, the New Year bank holiday, and all the businesses closed with the snow.... surely she can only have spent four or five days in this guys company?? And she's already writing stuff like this to him. Wow.

Get out of this OP.

One word of advice - don't file for divorce in Ireland. I don't know what the situation in your home country is but you need to be separated for four of the previous five years here before a divorce is granted. You are here only one week and you have a kid to look after - if I were in your shoes I would try to get home where friends and family can help out.

G-Money

I'm not sure what's involved in getting a paternity test or how expensive it is. However I just think they take a swab of the childs saliva or whatever by putting the swab and running it on the inside of the cheek. Same for you. I'm guessing it's pretty quick for them to take the sample they need and you'd be in and out of the place quickly too. So there'd be no need for her to know you are getting the paternity of the child tested.

Although you might be better off going to a different doctor that she doesn't know about to avoid them getting in touch with her to provide the results. That is assuming you want to do this discreetly before talking to her.

Whatever happens, I hope it works out for the best for all involved.

LegacyUser

I have been in almost exactly the same situation as you are now. I know you really really want to confront her, you need to know what is going on so much. But for me looking back the one thing I would have done different is getting legal advice before I confronted her. As said above keep your mouth shut and get as much evidence and ammunition as possible first.
I didnt and I ended up regreting it.
Good Luck!

LegacyUser

i may be slated for this but are you sure she has actually cheated on you? it just sounds very like internet talk, so she may not have actually slept with him. Not that im condoning cyber sex, but it just may not be as bad as you think.

just a thought.

metrovelvet

How do you know she has started the affair already?I would find out more before you file for divorce. Nothing on that screen refers to anything that happened. Right now all you have evidence of is an expression of desire and not that it has been acted on. Confront before you convict.

omahaid

I think it fair to assume they have had sex, but even if they haven't, it is still mentally cheating. Legal advice first OP, men have very little rights in this country when it comes to kids and the family home.

LegacyUser

OP, that is a really ****astic situation to be in. i hope you will be able to purge this cheating old cow from your life without too much trouble and find someone who actually deserves you

yop

Sorry to hear that header, not a nice place to be in!! She sounds like a loose cannon. But she has little respect for you or your child if she is going on like this.

But as said get everything in place first with regards evidence and the legal side.

Then when you are ready, get her a suitcase, pack it up and leave it for her, along with the evidence.
She will be the one moving out, you can't take your child outside of their environment as its hard enough to settle a child without uprooting them again.

You or your child did nothing wrong so give her road, she has done this before, she WILL do it again so dont put yourself through the heartache again.

Really sorry for your trouble.

LegacyUser

If you are taking pictures of the facebook messages or anything like that, make sure to take them with an old fashioned film camera.

A jpg of a screenshot, or a digital camera picture won't last five minutes in court if she has decent representation.

LegacyUser

I was heartbroken to read your post OP, something similar happened to me a few years ago with my former Czech wife of 18 months, although thankfully no children were involved.

Kudos to you for getting the evidence, I never did because I as so shocked at what I saw that I couldn't even think straight, but in your case that will come in very handy when it comes to custody.

I'd echo what other posters have said, you need to get some legal advice as soon as possible & don't make any rash moves until then.

Best of luck, I know you feel like your whole life has stopped but try and get some strength from somewhere, if not for you then for your child.

castle

I don't want to alarm you but if she has history of cheating can you be 100% sure that the baby is yours.
If it was me I would get a blood test to tell you the truth,once a cheat always a cheat as they say.
You have to confront her about what you saw on facebook,and even if she says she did cheat and promises never to cheat again you will always have doubts.
Some people are cheats ans always will be, I have a mate who has cheated on his GF since he was a teen and now in his 30's and married over 10 years and guess what he still cheats when he gets the chance.
Never been caught as he has plenty of practice of cheating.
So you either accept this behavior from her or you finished with her as she will never change.
Sorry not to be more positive. best of luck