How do I find out what he really wants once and for all?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone....need a bit of advice here. My head is melted. I´ve kind of been seeing a guy for a while now,which I was wary about from the start because of a previous broken heart and afraid to let my guard down with someone who could potentially break it. We meet up and have dinner and I really enjoy his company and like him a lot....first time in a long time I get butterflies before meeting anyone.

Thing is, I rarely see him because he´s always very busy. I know others might say if he liked me enough, he´d make more of an effort but his career at the moment is hectic...don´t want to go into details but believe me when I say he couldn´t be busier...he works day and night (works in film industry and has a few projects going on at the same time). He wasn´t sure I liked him for ages because I was afraid to let my guard down and probably came across like I wanted friendship more than a relationship. He made it very clear that he liked me a lot and that he wanted more while I reluctantly agreed that I felt the same. I let my stupid pride get in the way of being more enthusiastic because as I said, I don´t see him very often and I´m still unsure about getting into anything that could portentially hurt me.

BUt I haven´t seen him now for a few weeks. I was at home for christmas for 2 weeks (I don´t live in Ireland) and we met up before I left and he seemed sad I was going home and he was looking forward to seeing me when I got back. So when I got back last week, I texted him to tell him it would be great to see him at some stage that week but he replied that he was too busy at the weekend but we could meet up next week (which is now this week). I was having a bad and sent him a purposely cold text saying something along the lines of I´ll see him sometime and take care with a "x"(I know, I´m an idiot and regretted it the minute I sent it). He sent back an equally chilly text like "ok. kisses...and happy new year".

And he hasn´t got in touch since and that was last Thursday. I understand he´s busy and he made that clear from the outset that it was a busy time for him but it always seems like I´m the one instigating meetings and fitting in with his busy schedule but on the other hand, he´s said a few times that he really likes me but he´s unsure if I like him back because of my slightly chilly behaviour (I´m terrified!) when it comes to that side of things and that I have a wall around me that he finds hard to get past. It´s my stupid, stupid pride getting in the way.

So now I just want to get in touch once and for all and ask him if he wants to see me again and what the story was. How do I phrase that without coming off as desperate? I also want to leave it and see if he gets in touch with me. Surely if he liked me enough he would or have I blown it with the cold text matched with the chilly behaviour?

How do I get past my pride and deal with this like an adult? Im terrified of getting knocked back because as I said, I like this guy a lot, I liked him from our first meeting and it´s rare to come across someone like this.

My brain is fried and it´s not helping that my confidence is low at the moment because of my current circumstances. I´m not usually so pathetic :-P

If I was to get in touch, what would I say? Or should I wait to see if he gets in touch (baring in mind I´m the one instigating meetings....even though he´s always very very keen). I just want to know what the craic is either way so I can get on with my life. Either find out if he likes me or is just stringing me along.

I´ve no one to bounce this off at the minute so I just need some advice from you wise PIers. Thanks a million for reading this long, rambling rubbish....

SarahSassy

I think I remember your previous post on this guy.

Why dont you call him and ask him out for dinner. If you keep acting all hot and cold like this, especially given he is so busy then he wont entertain you at all... Its a tricky one but give it one last go...

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

I think I remember your previous post on this guy.

Why dont you call him and ask him out for dinner. If you keep acting all hot and cold like this, especially given he is so busy then he wont entertain you at all... Its a tricky one but give it one last go...

Yep, posted about this fella before...I was busy, he was super busy but now I´ve lost a lot of my work so I´ve loads of free time to contemplate the situation...tenner bets he´s not going over this in his head like I am...is this a female thing?

When we meet, it´s really great but it´s the crap in between that driving me nuts. I know if I call him and ask him out for dinner, it´ll be a case of him fitting me into his busy schedue, me going chilly and so the vicious circle spins round and round...we have to meet at ridiculous times like 10pm on a Sunday night or a Wednesday evening when I´m up early the next day for work...it´d be such a pity to leave this for all these stupid reasons.

Sarahsassy, how do I lay my cards on the table without coming across as a)desperate b)cranky and too pushy? I´m afraid that my frustration will make it come out all wrong and scare him away...

mood

Are you sure he is single?

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

Are you sure he is single?

Haha...well now, it´s a reasonable question but I wouldn´t be writing up here if I knew he was in a relationship...I guess none of us know for sure when we´re only starting out....I´m only going on my gut instinct here and what he says but yeah, as far as I know he´s single. How do you even broach that question after seeing someone for over a moths without insulting them or coming across as nuts? He´s doesn´t seem like the player type at all...when we meet everything seems above board. I could go into details about his work but can´t do that, top secret ;-) but I´ve no doubts in my mind that he´s busy.

LegacyUser

I have to add, I´m Irish, he´s not and I guess our two cultures are very different when it comes to the dating game. He´s said many times that it must be a case of "lost in translation" when the guard is up. I´m playing it all Irish (i.e. acting like a teenager when I´m 30 even though I´ve had a few serious relationships) and he´s playing it all Latin with the compliments and confidence. I find it unnerving particularly coming from a country where people tend to need 10 pints in their bellies before they do anything. I think I´ve fecked this up...I just need to get this sorted before I can sort everything else out. It´s like a kick to the stomach when I´m down already.

mood

Meltednoggin wrote: »

Haha...well now, it´s a reasonable question but I wouldn´t be writing up here if I knew he was in a relationship...I guess none of us know for sure when we´re only starting out....I´m only going on my gut instinct here and what he says but yeah, as far as I know he´s single. How do you even broach that question after seeing someone for over a moths without insulting them or coming across as nuts? He´s doesn´t seem like the player type at all...when we meet everything seems above board. I could go into details about his work but can´t do that, top secret ;-) but I´ve no doubts in my mind that he´s busy.

I meant that if you had been to his house you would be fairly sure he is single. If you have meet his friends/colleagues/family members you could also be fairly sure he is single.

kenbrady

Meltednoggin wrote: »

Sarahsassy, how do I lay my cards on the table without coming across as a)desperate b)cranky and too pushy? I´m afraid that my frustration will make it come out all wrong and scare him away...

A strong, confident person who thinks they are great cannot be desperate. You are either desperate or you are not.
You want to know were you stand. Just ask him.
All this crap about playing games and not wanting to seem desperate. Is in fact desperate and needy.

How Strange

OP, just bite your lip and ask him straight out. If the two of you want different things then you mightn't like the answer but at least you'll know.
He seems to have made it clear that he's not able to give you a '2 evenings during the week and weekend' kind of relationship so you're either cool with that or you're not. If you're not then there isn't any point continuing the relationship. You'll drive yourself insane.

There's no point in wrecking your own head in the meantime.

It really seems to me that you're over analysing everything at this stage and working yourself into a panic.

PS I wish I had taken this advice myself on one or two occasions and saved myself some mental anguish! :rolleyes:

daisybelle2008

Meltednoggin wrote: »

So when I got back last week, I texted him to tell him it would be great to see him at some stage that week but he replied that he was too busy at the weekend but we could meet up next week (which is now this week). I was having a bad and sent him a purposely cold text saying something along the lines of I´ll see him sometime and take care with a "x"(I know, I´m an idiot and regretted it the minute I sent it). He sent back an equally chilly text like "ok. kisses...and happy new year".

And he hasn´t got in touch since and that was last Thursday. I understand he´s busy and he made that clear from the outset that it was a busy time for him but it always seems like I´m the one instigating meetings and fitting in with his busy schedule but on the other hand, he´s said a few times that he really likes me but he´s unsure if I like him back because of my slightly chilly behaviour (I´m terrified!) when it comes to that side of things and that I have a wall around me that he finds hard to get past. It´s my stupid, stupid pride getting in the way.

..

Firstly I don't understand what is 'chilly' about that text exchange. It seems fine. You are kind of losing a perspective on reality with all this obsessing.

Secondly, stop over analysing this whole situation. You are tying yourself in knots and causing your own headwrecking (he is not causing it).

Thirdly, Don't worry about this whole blowing hot and cold thing, seems like you are doing most of the running, be sure he is aware of this (he is telling you how busy he is enough of the time) and if he was more into you something more would be happening, even if it was just texting.

Fourthly, Forget about him, find someone less busy to engage with. If something happens in the future then so be it. Either way he is too busy or just not that into you for this to be a satisfying and fulfilling exchange. Does not really matter which.

Fifthly, God you are so hard on yourself, relax. Head wrecked & terrified are not ways to be describing yourself in a healthy situation. Want more for yourself. Move on, your text was not cold, it is irrelevant. Open your eyes and see that this non-relationship is damaging your sanity and self-esteem in some small way and let go.

Oryx

Oh god, text messages.....

You do realise that you agonised over the (very brief) wording of yours, and think youve sent all kinds of chilly messages with it... when in fact he will have read it as it stands and most likely never felt that chill? His one back you is fine. Youre reading your own feelings into it.

If you like this man then phone him up and say hi. Do not prepare a conversation with him before hand, nor agonise over what approach to take. All you know is youll say hello and let the chat roll from that naturally.

In relationships you need to be straightforward most of all. Say what you mean. Say what you feel. Dont worry about the consequences. If someone reacts badly to how you naturally are, then they are not the one for you. If you are yourself and say whats you feel, you tend to get the same back from a person you click well with.

Playing a game where you pretend to be cool when youre not, and hide your feelings for fear of being hurt is not being you. I can see why you do it, and its a hard habit to break, but cmon, take a bit of courage, and take a risk with this guy. Whats the worst can happen?

stripysocks85

How do I find out what he really wants once and for all?
ASK
HIM

SarahSassy

OP, I think his timetable / work schedule isnt what you are looking for to be frank.. He cannt guarantee you a fixed amount of time in his life and you dont seem to be able to accept that. I am not criticising you but just looking in. The scenario wouldnt be my cup of tea either tbh...

Have a long hard think about whether or not you can put up with this full time and then either ask him what the story is or let it drop.

LegacyUser

Okay, I´ve taken the advice of SarahSassy and DaisyBelle and I´m going to leave it. You´re right, I was acting cold because I wasn´t seeing him enough to know it´s a sure thing and that´s not going to change. It was originally fine by me because I was busy too but now I´m not and I guess if I´m going to date them, I want to see them more often. Simple as that. Not worth the headwreak down the line.

But and a big BUT...I did really like this fella....first guy in a long time I´ve liked and I rarely like anyone. We just clicked. He was and is lovely. Because of the fairly crappy situation I´m in at the moment...work hours cut down and looking for another job and don´t have enough money to survive, still settling in a new country and feeling lonely and my dad very sick at home, I guess I´m not taking this on the chin and chalking it down to experience. I´m not at all blaming him because he can´t help what he does and he did it a long time before he met me but this really is a kick in the stomach when I´m already on a low. I guess I placed too much of my potential happiness on this guy and that ain´t good. I need some perspective, I guess.

Still, I know it´s for the best in the long run.

Thanks for the advice guys...don´t really have any really close friends here yet that I want to unburden this ****e on so I´ll just unburden it on you instead! ;-)

mood

OP maybe you could meet him again and chat about it before just backing off. Not knowing where you stand it horrible so you are better off knowing for sure then you won't be wondering 'what if...'

SarahSassy

OP, you have a lot on your plate and fair play to you for moving to a new country and starting somewhere new - its takes a lot of guts... I do suspect you are right that you were hoping this guy would be your cure for unhappiness but you know what the cliche on that is - you can only make yourself happy.

If the situation is frustrating you at this early stage it surely will in 6 months time..


You are doing great and will meet someone with all the time in the world for you and in the meantime, treat yourself and look after yourself.

daisybelle2008

Meltednoggin wrote: »

Okay, I´ve taken the advice of SarahSassy and DaisyBelle and I´m going to leave it. You´re right, I was acting cold because I wasn´t seeing him enough to know it´s a sure thing and that´s not going to change. It was originally fine by me because I was busy too but now I´m not and I guess if I´m going to date them, I want to see them more often. Simple as that. Not worth the headwreak down the line.

But and a big BUT...I did really like this fella....first guy in a long time I´ve liked and I rarely like anyone. We just clicked. He was and is lovely. Because of the fairly crappy situation I´m in at the moment...work hours cut down and looking for another job and don´t have enough money to survive, still settling in a new country and feeling lonely and my dad very sick at home, I guess I´m not taking this on the chin and chalking it down to experience. I´m not at all blaming him because he can´t help what he does and he did it a long time before he met me but this really is a kick in the stomach when I´m already on a low. I guess I placed too much of my potential happiness on this guy and that ain´t good. I need some perspective, I guess.

Still, I know it´s for the best in the long run.

Thanks for the advice guys...don´t really have any really close friends here yet that I want to unburden this ****e on so I´ll just unburden it on you instead! ;-)

The bits in bold struck me. You seem very self aware about this. You have a lot on your plate but try to take the positives from the exchange i.e there are guys out there who you connect with etc. and there will be plenty more when you are in a better place.
Happiness comes from within, forget about him and work on your own contentment. That is to make some connections in your new country. Explore some ways of meeting new friends and looking for some extra work. Fill your time and energy with things that will turn your crappy situation good not hinging your happiness on someone else.

LegacyUser

Thank you SassySarah and Daisybelle (and to everyone else as well). Sincerely. You helped me out of a bit of a hole there. You know when you need someone to point out the blindingly obvious to you sometimes? That´s what you´ve done and thanks. This was becoming all consuming and now I feel like some of the weight has been lifted off. I need to get my sh*te sorted before I can even consider seeing someone.

Mood...I got in touch with him yesterday before I came to the decision to just leave it but to be honest, this is going to go round in circles...me trying to find out when he can see me, us meeting up and him telling me he wants more and asking me why I´m so cold...I don´t need that..not right now...I´m not strong enough in myself to cope with that kind of drama in a situation that should be fun and particularly at the early stages. Who knows what´ll happen down the line but not right now.

Thing is, I´d say I´m very self-aware but I don´t know why I do the things I know won´t be good for me. Suppose that makes me human, eh?

He was lovely though...wish he was a fecker to make it easier to forget about him :-)

Thanks again, everyone!

SarahSassy

We are all human and I have done worse than you in this kind of scenario i.e. wasted about 2 years of my life... Anway, you will get stronger soon and come back to let us know how you are doing.