"if the right girl came along"

Theshyone

Hi all

Need some input on this one...

I need to set the scene first (sorry!!)...
So I'm seeing this guy for the last month or so, we actually know each other well over a year but only got together before Christmas.

All is going well, we get on great, sparks flying the whole thing.. few weeks ago we had a "what do we want" talk and agreed to have fun, see how things go and review our situation again at some stage.

i'm totally fine with that, it suits me no end, I'm just out of a 4 year relationship and I do like this guy and I dont want to risk rushing things HOWEVER... some of the things he says confuses me BIG TIME!!!

One minute he says he's cold and unfeeling, not emotional person is logical etc, then he says he is changing will have to settle down now he's getting older(new year resolution talk!!), then the next minute he says he likes being single, likes his lifestyle... this is all said randomly...
The one thing bugging me though is the other night we were chatting about exes and kids etc (I have a 3 year old from previous relationship) and I said "would you like to have kids?" it was just a general query on my part since he is always saying how much he doesnt like kids yet he raves about his nephew and how cool he is etc... he replied "yeah if the right girl came along and we got married and stuff.. would you like more?"
I just said exactly what he said "yeah maybe if the right guy came along"

That statement has me thrown now, why would he say that AFTER we agreed to see how things go? Obviously nobody but him knows why he said it but what COULD it mean? I'm DEFO NOT the right girl?I MAY BE the right girl? he doesnt know if I am? Uhhhhhhhhhh!!

I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what he means when he says certain things he's not really very direct but I'm totally off kilter with this one!!! I'd appreciate ANY relevant input and sorry about the long-winded post..

Thanks guys

Sanjuro

Well, you've only been going out a month. That is no way long enough to make your mind up that the other person is 'the one.' They could be 'the one' one day and something completely different the next. Besides, the whole concept of 'the one' is ridiculous anyway. There are people who fit your personality better than others, and there are many of these people.

I digress. I wouldn't read too much into a single sentence. I know we all want absolutes when we enter into a relationship, but I'm afraid absolutes really don't exist in this world. Take your time and ease into the relationship. It's only been four weeks. You'll only find disappointment if you're lookng for something definate at this stage. They're only words.

PopUp

It's just a way of talking about your hopes for the future without getting the other person all freaked out that you've already named your babies. I wouldn't read too much into it. He wants to get married and have kids some day - maybe with you, maybe not with you. He isn't sure. Don't worry about it.

I would be little more worried about the fact that he seems to blow hot and cold and isn't very direct at saying what he means. I would worry about being on the same page. But it sounds like you have a good read on him so I wouldn't worry and just enjoy things as they go!

I disagree with the other posters. I'd take that as not interested, or not interested enough. He said if the right girl came along which strongly implies he doesn't think she has yet, and I find that statement very disrespectful to her. There are other ways to answer, like 'maybe', 'hopefully', 'if I was married to someone' without implying he's going out with her while waiting for something better to come along.

__plec__

id take what he said as him just not wanting to put pressure on you,maybe not the best way of saying it though,il agree.If he'd said,yes i cant wait for you two to start having kids how would you react?followed by marriage talk?

Seeing that you are just out of a long term relationship,in which you have a kid from(putting 2 & 2 together),i think most would be cautious about what is said,as in not wanting to come on too strongly and scare you away.

Thats just my opinion,try not to overthink comments,try to just enjoy it and see where it goes.Seems a bit early to be getting worried.

Hope it goes for you

Theshyone

thanks for the input

I am quite relaxed about this "relationship" as I do like him and I want to take things slowly (but not snail slow lol!) the comment just threw me a wee bit as we had agreed to see how things would go for us and not put pressure on it and then when he said that it lead me to think MAYBE he was still looking/waiting for someone else to come along ...

in saying that we have mutually agreed not to see other people so I would take that as a good sign and I think I'm just going to do what ye suggest and not read too much into a flippant comment, I'm usually quite good a reading people/him to a certain extent, when you're in the situation yourself and its clouded by feelings/emotions it gets that bit harder!

i'll just see how things go! Thanks again for your views, they've really helped!

Riskymove

Theshyone wrote: »

I am quite relaxed about this "relationship" as I do like him and I want to take things slowly (but not snail slow lol!) the comment just threw me a wee bit as we had agreed to see how things would go for us and not put pressure on it

then why did you ask him this question?

Frankly he made the mistake of answering the question honestly...never a good idea it seems!

I dont think anyone here can fully judge what he meant by it as its taken out of context here. The tone, his body language etc would play a big part in the interpretation.

I think it more likely he was simply expressing the idea that he's open to the idea of kids in the right circumstances which i think is fair enough...although can he really win here?....if he gave some over-enthousiastic answer about having kids with you would you be on here posting about him being strange for doing so after a one month relationship?

what answer would you expect?

I think you might be dwelling on this too much

Theshyone

I just asked the question as I was curious as to what his REAL stance was on the subject... as I've already said in different conversations about different things he has said he didnt want kids/settle down and he has also said he would, said he didnt like kids/does like kids so I wanted to know.

A simple "yes i would like kids someday" or a "no I wouldnt like kids ever" would've sufficed.

If he had come out and said "yes I would love to have you barefoot and pregnant from now until the end of days" I probably would have said "alright so lets get started"... the issue for me wasn't the kids bit rather the way he chose to say it... in MY mind it implied to ME that I wasnt the "right girl" or couldnt be or whatever, all this said AFTER we diecided to see how things would go... and so I looked to here for some opinions as to what it COULD mean without asking him directly as I didnt want to seem like I was reading too much into it (which clearly I may have already done so!!).... I'm not dwelling on it, I'm rather a direct person and I've told him I'm happy to see how things go, and he has said the same, but in my experience some PEOPLE say things they dont mean sometimes just to apease the other person and then try to wrangle their way out of it by being indirect, me being paranoid?maybe.. cautious? yes...

ash23

To be honest I'd be more worried about this

few weeks ago we had a "what do we want" talk and agreed to have fun, see how things go and review our situation again at some stage

Have fun? What does that mean?
Personally if a guy said to me "I don't want anything serious, I just want to have fun and we'll see what happens" I would take that to mean "I want to see you and have sex with you but I also want to keep my options open in case someone better comes along".

Are you even exclusive?

dolliemix

I don't understand why you would ask him that question if you're not prepared for an honest answer. What did you want him to say?

You've only been together a month. When somebody starts asking long-term questions either directly or indirectly it's quite invasive.

I don't think he's saying you're not the right girl though. He just doesn't know IF you are the right girl. That's very healthy imho

Theshyone

I think you may be taking me up wrong... We had a talk and came to a MUTUAL agreement that we weren't going to immediately jump in with both feet and declare ourselves in a serious relationship that is heading up the aisle... we said we were going to have "fun" as in see each other, go on dates etc and see where it leads... no pre-conceived ideas... yes we are exclusive we have had that conversation and we MUTUALLY agreed we wouldnt be seeing anyone else while we were seeing each other.

As I said previously I asked the question because I wanted to know the answer! i didnt ask the question hoping and praying he would say "yes I want loads of kids with you asap" lol and I didnt just come out and ask him in the middle of a football match or anything we were actually having a mature conversation around the subject of kids and exes etc which incidentally was NOt instigated by my good self!!

And i said before I just wanted to know how other people would take that statement up, so I could have a clearer picture and be semi-assured I'm not jumping to conclusions!!!

Riskymove

we were actually having a mature conversation around the subject of kids and exes etc which incidentally was NOt instigated by my good self!!

This tells me even more that he does consider a future together with you a possibility....why on earth would he start such a conversation otherwise?

Liam Byrne

ash23 wrote: »

To be honest I'd be more worried about this

Have fun? What does that mean?

It probably means enjoy each other's company, do things together, relax together.....much like any normal relationship should be after a month or three, IMHO.

ash23 wrote: »

I would take that to mean "I want to see you and have sex with you but I also want to keep my options open in case someone better comes along".

What you take it to mean, and what it actually means, could be completely different.....especially as the OP clearly said that they agreed to do this, not that one or the other suggested to do this.