is it going anywhere?

LegacyUser

i posted here about this guy before and still need advice.

i met this guy for about 3 months. we met about six to seven times. only until recently we managed to meet once a week. he said he likes me very much and even mentioned about marriage. the first and second times we met we nearly slept (which i still regret now, for i am always feeling insecure). then i told him it was a mistake and i wanted to slow down so we can know each others better. he would agree with me then at the point if i refuse to go to his house, or if i refuse to let him touch my private or touch his, he would try to talk and then get annoyed if i insist not to. he is quite calm, but he just keeps on talking and i always have to say out loud to let him understand why. but then he would apologise later say he was not thinking at those moments when he really wants to get closed to me. so, every time, we have this talk. and then i insist, and then he seems to be not happy. and then i explained i like him but want to take thing slow, and he apologise. but he does comment me as strange, demanding and controlling.

i don't think i can trust him at this moment and i told him. he sometimes would have some little lies. say the first time we meet, he lied abt his age (because i am older than him, so he lied and said an age number bigger than mine), but he told me the same day later his true age. he told me the handsoap was the shower gel (when we had shower together) and i kept on laughing and he still insisted it was an expensive shower gel in the handsoap bottle!! and then, the other day he said he was already waiting for me at a place. but well, the background sound was definitely not. he told me his daddy was not celebrating Christmas with them but I said his daddy in the Christmas photo (this one i am not sure and i did not say anything about this to him).

he told me he had four gf, then later five... and i was surprised and then he said i am his new one. he was upset when i said he was lying.

and he has friend(s) (female) that he would help to pick up at 2am or 4am. he is driving taxi. so maybe this is the reason why?

the early days he once arranged a date, and said he would call me the date we meant to meet to arrnage a place. but he did not call, then he called me the other day apologising and said his car was being broken and he lost his phone so he can't even contact me.

there were a few time then i did reply his txts telling him i was not available to meet that day he txted (spontaneous date) and meant to arrange the other day. but he then did not reply. when he called back the other day, i was asking why he did not reply me and he would say he did not get my call or txts.

he said i am suspicious and i said i know this is a big problem and i don't know what i can do.

i am afriad this trust issue of mine (if it's not a lying issue of his) would bring our relationship to nowhere.

what can i do? is it not reasonable to ask him to show me some proofs (say, if the car was really broken, there would be some record of fixing etc...).

i am thinking to end it. but i just quite like him and don't wanna ruin a potential relationship.... i don't know.

unattendedbag

In short reply I dont think the relationship is going anywhere. He seems to be full of little white lies which is never a good foundation for a relationship. It seems you have caught him out more than once.

i don't think i can trust him at this moment

You answered your own question in this line. If you cant trust him and cant believe him then how can you have a relationship with him. Dont even waste time trying to figure him out. just turn around and walk away as there is no potential relationship here that you will miss. Just hurt and pain.

LegacyUser

i really think you should RE READ your post again and ask yourself that question again.

if one of your friends were in that situation. what would ya say. i know i would say GET THE HECK AWAY FROM HIM NOW!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

I deleted his number always. and I thought he would not call me back. but a week or so later he would call me back and said he missed me. I am kind of touched by his insistence you know.

For the helping the female friends issue. He told me he had to help at 4am. I was surprised how come people would help others that crazily. But he showed me the txt from the girl saying, 'thanks for your help'. something, nothing very special.

For the car broken issue, he knows I can't trust him and he said he would show me the proof. But once we got the car, he started driving. I asked about what's the proof and then he said 'it's just some documents'. But no intention to take them to me... And I don't want to be that pushy.

Also, because I was commented by some other guys that I am too serious, and too harsh on them, too many rules as well. So I am just thinking would it be myself being to self-protected.

vorbis

if I understand correctly, you've been going out for 3 months and haven't slept together.
There is no relationship then at the moment (unless this is for religious reasons).

I find this worrying about what he was up to a little bizarre considering you've only seen each other seven times. I'd advise relaxing a bit OP. I know myself I'd run a mile from someone who's breaking down my every move this early into a potential relationship.

Liam Byrne

vorbis wrote: »

if I understand correctly, you've been going out for 3 months and haven't slept together.
There is no relationship then at the moment (unless this is for religious reasons).

That's a fairly sweeping statement. Who says that you have to sleep with someone in order to have a relationship ?

OK, the 3 months might be a fair while by most of today's standards, but given that they've only met 7 times, I don't see how you can say the above.

That said, you do have a point re the OP analysing......but also, to be fair, he's given her plenty of reasons to.

LegacyUser

yes, i know what you mean. i would runaway too. i always think he would not call back after me pointing this and that out and complaining that he does not like me as much as himself think. but then he would. so, make me more cautious!!!

we did not have sexual intercourse, but we were nearly there, on the first two times we met. i insisted not to have anymore later on until i think i am ready. that's why he always has the talk with me in how far we can go. yes, there is religious reason on my side, but no on his side. so, he said he understands and suggests a bottom line we can go. i agree but i did not expect that it's now.

so, anyway, now, i made it clear that we will get there if things go well, and he will get what he wants that we both agreed later. that's why he suggested marriage!! I did not take it seriously as I think he is just talking. But he did mention he would like to marry me (to have sex with me I guess)! I said marriage is not for fun and we have to know each other well. But then he would say he is at the age to settle down and he likes me a lot and he thinks even for those who know each other long before marriage, the marriage won't survive or the persons changed. i kind of know what he means but i still don't really agree and make me more cautious again!

i do suggest him maybe i am not the one that suits him most. and maybe i should go look for a person who shares the same religious belief as mine too (though to be honest, problems like this would still be there with the person who share the same religious belief).

i was dating some other guys too, just dating, and i told him too. i don't know where we are! i told him i deleted his phone numbers always, so i would date someone else. but he said he is not a messer and he hopes i am the same and would not play around.

it's ok for me not contacting him, because of my millions doubts. but then if he calls me, i can't resist not to take the call.

vorbis

Well there is some religious reasons so that changes things slightly.
In my own experience, a relationship has to keep going forward.

From the sounds of it, you nearly had sex on the first few dates and you've pulled back a fair bit from that since. This to me would kill the entire momentum of the relationship. Waiting to have sex is fine, but ye nearly had sex so now the entire relationship is stuck in limbo.

The guy probably felt after the second date that ye were close to having sex. Here ye are 3 months later and there's less sexual stuff happening than after the second date?? You need to decide what you want out of this. Also what is it that you are suspicious about? Do you suspect he has a girlfriend or is married?

Barracudaincork

I know im going to get slated for this but IMO you were/are being a tease. You know full well due to religious reasons you wont have sex with him and thats cool, each and everyone to their own, however, you "nearly" having sex with him and then stopping and saying your not doing this etc etc is being a tease. Now any women can say she doesnt want sex, dont get me wrong, but you knew you defo wouldnt have sex so even getting naked with him is giving him the wrong message.

This is why i think there are little white lies, he doesnt care what he tells you or what you find out so the truth means little to him, he will tell you what he wants and it doesnt matter, which is not how anyone should be treated.

IMO this isnt good for either of you and doesnt sound like the basis for a healthy relationship.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

I know im going to get slated for this but IMO you were/are being a tease. You know full well due to religious reasons you wont have sex with him and thats cool, each and everyone to their own, however, you "nearly" having sex with him and then stopping and saying your not doing this etc etc is being a tease. Now any women can say she doesnt want sex, dont get me wrong, but you knew you defo wouldnt have sex so even getting naked with him is giving him the wrong message.

I appreciate your other viewpoints.

But I did not intentionally tease him. I was 'seduced' by him. I made mistakes as a human. And even on the first date we nearly slept together, I told him in the bed that he was just wasting his time as I did not want sexual intercourse and I was quite strong-minded and self-controlled. He said it's OK. And he stopped after awhile when he knew that I was having lots of hesitations. I was very honest from the beginning till now to him, maybe too honest.

And we talked afterward that I dont want to make the mistake again. I told him how far I can go and he seemed to be happy with that (handjob). The problem is that I do not think it's now I can go that far and I told him too it would take me some times to that far. But he seemed to be too happy that he could not hear the other half of my sentence. I do mean it and I would be happy to make him happy if I am ready, but just not now. He said I promise but I did not do what I promised, but then I told him that I did say it's not now.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

IMO this isnt good for either of you and doesnt sound like the basis for a healthy relationship.

That is what I am thinking as well.

I just think it's not going anywhere as the basis is not healthy. That's why I regreted to allow myself to that far on the first two times we met. I told him too. I now always feel very insecure.

But I just don't know how to end it. As we were happy last time we met. We did still have a little arguement about how far we go physically and I made it clear again that it's not now. he still wanted more, a bit annoyed (which I can understand). he calmed down and said he understood.

If I decided to end it, is it better to tell him or just not to answer his calls? I feel not respectful to him if I just refuse his phone calls.

But if I tell him I feel it's not going anyway, and it's better end it, he would say it's not fair to him. (I did before, he suggested me to go to his house last time. I told him we are on different page and looking for different things in a relationship, it's better not to see. That's why I told him that. Then he said it's not fair to him and I made him sad. Then later he called and we arranged for a movie instead of going to his house)

LegacyUser

All comments are appreciated! THANKS.

vorbis wrote: »

In my own experience, a relationship has to keep going forward.

I know what you mean, that is what he said as well. but I dont think it's not going forward. It's going forward in another dimensions. And not being that physically intensed can leave more space and rooms for emotional built-ups.

vorbis wrote: »

From the sounds of it, you nearly had sex on the first few dates and you've pulled back a fair bit from that since. This to me would kill the entire momentum of the relationship. Waiting to have sex is fine, but ye nearly had sex so now the entire relationship is stuck in limbo.

Yes, I understand this would add the instability in the relationship.

vorbis wrote: »

The guy probably felt after the second date that ye were close to having sex. Here ye are 3 months later and there's less sexual stuff happening than after the second date?? You need to decide what you want out of this.

I want to know him more instead of being that physically intensed every time we meet. Yes, he is getting less physically so I think he would go. He once even said he can't do it anymore as I am too harsh to him. I re-assured him that I like him but I want to slow down. He called me then again. And we met and he apologised. that's why I think I can give it a go (again). But the suspicious me would think that maybe he is just wanting sex and the more difficult, the more fun he can have.

vorbis wrote: »

Also what is it that you are suspicious about? Do you suspect he has a girlfriend or is married?

I have been to his house, I have met his mum and nephew. I don't think he is married. But I do suspect that he has a gf. Or he is that kind of guy who is scoring gals around. Once I called him and he answered in a buddy tone, 'hey, what's up' instead of a softer tone he usually have to me. Also because of the females phone calls (pick up at 2am and 4am!). On the first or second dates under his bed, I found a pillow and a blanket. I asked why they were there, he said he does not use them so put them there. But I immediately felt he is trying to hide something. He said if he is having gf, he would not ask me to stay overnight in his house. Or would not suggest me to move in and live with him.

LegacyUser

Hi,
You met this guy and nearly had sex the first couple of times you met. This guy is thinking he's going to have sex with you if he can just persuade you. He's not too pushed about meeting you or seeing you at all - hence the white lies, broken engagements, unanswered texts. This guy only contacts you every now and then when he more than likely hasn't anything else to be doing. You seem to be like his little project on the side. He now thinks he'll have sex with you if he puts forward the promise of marriage. This guy is really playing you and messing you. Tell him out straight that your not having sex with him and will not be having sex with him until after the marriage ceremony. As it is, he sees you as indecisive and vulnerable, perfect for his little plan.