deciding its over

LegacyUser

hi,
i feel a bit silly posting here but my realationship at the moment is really bothering me and would like other perspectives on it!
me and my boyfriend have been together nearly four years now, (anniversary very soon and he's not bothering to come visit me for it, think this mostly caused me to write this!) but lately- being the last year we have been growing further apart, although he seems completely oblivious to this.
it seems as though i'm now just his girlfriend by convinence, meeting him on his terms and when he can fit me in, this is really not helped by the fact we both finished college, i moved home and he stayed up near college where he has always lived with his parents. Ive discussed moving in together with him, but he is not willing to do this at all because he says with money it isnt practical and he wants space to work on things he's writing. this in turn has made me grow further from him because i feel i just dont see him enough, and even though we text a lot now we just have nothing to say to each other a thing that never used to happen before!
he too promised to start driving back in july to make it easier for us to visit each other, but Jan now and even though he's insured in his mothers car, he still has only practiced driving twice!
when we are together its mostly great and we have fun, but we argue more and i'm not half as happy as i was with him, but is this a four year itch that we'll probably get through or is it sounding like its time to call it a day?
sorry for the long rant!

Riskymove

its clear he is taking you for granted in the relationship but that does not mean you have to straight away use the nuclear option of ending the relationship.


Tell him of your concerns and test his reaction, put it to him that he either starts driving to see you, spends more time with you etc or it will be over

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply!
i have brought up the situation with him, and he has brushed it off as being not too bad, and that im exaggerating it! i too know though that im easily convinced of things, my friends say this often enough!
see this is the longest realationship ive had,so maybe i am just overthinking it?

miec

I don't think you are overthinking it Op, maybe your feelings are changing towards you boyfriend, I always think its a bad sign when a couple don't know what to say to each other. Maybe you are outgrowing him or changing? Also if you are putting in more of effort than he is then your feeling of resentment or being taken for granted are justified. I do think its a bit crap that he doesn't want to celebrate your anniversary together, is there a specific reason why he won't visit?

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply miec,
he didnt give a specific reason why he won't come down, he even had the time off work, but instead he thinks we could just celebrate it over the next weekend-when he wants me to come visit him!
its hard to admit that i am out growing him, because when we are together a lot of the bad feelings fade, but bad feelings out weigh good when its only weekends we see each other, yet as i said he's not seeing any problems with this situation at all! and it seems to me that i could keep saying this to him forever and he wouldnt understand!

CDfm

Does the guy have a full licence or his own car. The answers to these seem to be no so he cant just take of in his mums car. She might want to use it herself.

I can understand what you feel but birthdays and occasions for adults normally get celebrated on weekends and work life or commitments come first. So yes I agree with him on his priorities here.

As for living together -how demanding are you and are you ready to live around someone elses commitments.

annon123

I completely sympathise with you on this one! Was in a similar relationship to you as to the being taken for granted, i had a car and could drive,he didn't have a car,wasn't a problem until i moved to a diff area,about 20mile away. Still this was fine for him because i was always driving to meet him,at least 2 or 3 times a week! It got to the stage where i would ask him to visit me. Very much a once in blue moon affair and he expected me to drive,pick him up,bring him to my home and back again the next day to his. My point is,you can be taken as a mug for so long before it becomes tedious,perhaps it's because the relationship has just run it's course,or ye literally just have to lay the cards on the table and if it doesnt improve then you know what to do. I don't think it's anything to do with how demanding or not you are. If it's grinding at you and affecting how you feel about the relationship then it is a problem and you need to address it. Good luck! :-)

LegacyUser

Cdfm, i wouldnt expect him to just take the car like that, instead i meant that i would like to see some effort in learning to drive at all! and I'd understand if he had work or other priorities over the anniversary, but he did have the day before it, that day and the following day off so thats why it bothered me! true point about living around someone elses commitments, it is something i have to think about more but it just feels like i'm way down on his list of commitments! as for being demanding, i would like to say i'm not but again i might be one sided, the topic of living together has come up three times between us, once in an argument (i regret it came up like that) and twice when i've been upset discussing 'us' with him

annon123, thanks for the advice, your situation sounds very similiar, see i have addressed the problem to a certain degree, but i seem to be meeting a shut door on the topic, kinda feel like he thinks he has everything as he likes it so why change it? would you think from your experience that if he doesnt want to move things on between us now he never will?

CDfm

OP - its a grown up world now and you are no longer in college and its not that you are down the list of priorities but that he now has other responsibilities,

in college if you fail you can repeat but work is not like it has to be 100% and there are no repeats and its very competitive at the moment

So it seems that you are dealing with a very serious young man.

On moving in together - on the back of an argument - sounds like fun doesnt it. No wonder he says no.

Relax a bit as its a time of change for both of you.