boyf wrote list of pros and cons about me?

LegacyUser

i had to edit some files on my boyf computer so instead of me using his pc, he allowed to me to connect through the network so i could access his stuff on my pc. As i was searching for the files, i came across a file that had my name on it. Ive been cursing myself for doing this but in a moment of madness/curiosity whatever, i opened the file. I know i shouldnt have done that and i probably deserve what followed......it was a list of my pros and cons that he had written. We had gone through a bit of a rough patch a few months ago and this is when it was written.

Im so so hurt by what he wrote in it...it basically said that he'd been with better looking girls, he doesnt find me as attractive as he once did and i could lose weight...ouch. I havent changed looks wise apart from putting on a bit of weight, so i dont know if this is why he finds me less attractive, but im not fat fat. I dont know what to do. Ive suffered for so many years with low self-esteem cos of my looks and this just takes me right back there. I guess i am as hideous as i believe myself to be. As for the weight issue, well i know i could tone up but in all honesty im not that fat and i am very critical of myself.

Why would he still be with me? He is so affectionate and we've been getting on great, so much so that we moved in together at his insistence (and this would have been after he wrote this list). I dont understand, am i just a stop-gap until he finds someone he does fancy. Im also really hurt he would even think to write a list like that as well as keep it for months afterwards (yes i know its none of my business what he deletes or does on his pc, but i cant help wondering why he kept it. And i know i would never write such a list about him)
Also should i tell him i know or just try to forget. Why why was i such an idiot to open that file

Barracudaincork

You shouldnt of looked at his PC and now you are paying for it. Why shouldnt you have looked, well because you have no idea what state of mind he was in when he wrote it, if he even remembers he wrote it etc and why he hasnt deleted it. So privacy aside, you are never going to know the full facts as to why he wrote it, so you could just eat yourself up inside for days over this one.

Ok so none of that helps you know so this is what i would do if i was you, i would come clean about seeing this list and ask to talk to him about it, only he can give you the answers you are looking for, anything we say on boards is only guessing.

Sarah W

What did he write under 'cons'? You need to look at both sides....

The Nice Jumper

Seems very clinical to draw up a list of pros and cons. Maybe he's generally quite an anal guy, and probably can't get his head around the fact that relationships cannot be put down on paper and boxes ticked. Feelings can't be accounted for in a list of pros and cons.

seamus

unregistered wrote: »

We had gone through a bit of a rough patch a few months ago and this is when it was written.

Every time you start to stress about this file, remember this bit. He wrote it while you were going through a rough patch. It doesn't have any bearing on how he feels about you now.

Why would he still be with me? He is so affectionate and we've been getting on great, so much so that we moved in together at his insistence (and this would have been after he wrote this list).

He loves you. That doesn't mean that he doesn't see flaws in you, that means that he doesn't care about them. Getting hung up on your looks does display that you have insecurity about your appearance and you're a little immature relationship-wise in that you feel that your boyfriend would leave if someone more attractive came along. An essential part of being comfortable with oneself is accepting two things:

1. You are not the most attractive person on the planet. There will always be people who are more attractive than you are. This is an inescapable part of being human, so constantly fighting a battle (in your mind) against those you percieve to be more attractive than you are, serves no purpose.

2. Physical attraction plays only the most insiginificant part in your relationships with others. Nobody ever had a friend or a lover that they kept around simply because they liked the look of them.

Im also really hurt he would even think to write a list like that as well as keep it for months afterwards (yes i know its none of my business what he deletes or does on his pc, but i cant help wondering why he kept it. And i know i would never write such a list about him)

Consider this as a diary entry. We cannot be responsible for the thoughts that pop into our mind - as I say above, he does see your flaws, so they do occur to him, and that's not a bad thing. That he chose to write down his thoughts is no different to someone writing a diary, it's an expressive outlet for what he's thinking at that particular moment in time.
You were going through a rough patch, he may have been on the brink on deciding whether to end it or not and thought that a pros/cons list would help him decide.

Again remember that he wrote this list in his darkest moment, at the end of his tether, and far more importantly - think of everything he wrote on the list and then remember that he looked at his list and decided to stay with you. This is the ultimate expression of his love for you - he can see your flaws, but he doesn't care. He loves you.

In terms of "why did he keep it?", don't dwell on it too much. He's probably long forgotten that he ever created it. Most people don't delete files after creating them.

Also should i tell him i know or just try to forget. Why why was i such an idiot to open that file

That depends on whether you think you can get over it. If you're going to tell him, then you're telling him because you want reassurance, and not to accuse him of anything or start a fight. He has resolved his issues by creating the file, it's a closed book for him, he's moved on. Going on the offensive or using the file to accuse him of anything will not solve anything. If you need reassurance, then talk to him about it. Otherwise, say nothing and move on.

Abi

You did pay a rough price for looking at this file, but if I'm completely and brutally honest.. if I saw something with my name on it, I'd be curious about it too. I don't think he'd be able to ignore something with his name on it either, if the shoe was on the other foot.


So you think it was written at a time when you were going through a rough patch. Why was he not man enough to talk to you about this stuff is what I'm thinking. As The Nice Jumper said, this was a clinical thing to do. What other reason would you do something like that, unless it was to gauge how expendible you are to him.

It needs addressing alright, and don't be apologetic about it either.

IITYWYBMAD

Sarah W wrote: »

What did he write under 'cons'? You need to look at both sides....

I think it's the cons she is talking about.

You probably need to speak to him about it to be honest. While it's very easy for people to say "you should not have opened it", there are very few that would not have opened it just as you have. Having said that, I would urge you to speak to him about it, as you have no idea what was going through his mind when he wrote these things, but you also need to get this out in the open, as it will gnaw away at your self-confidence, as it already appears to be doing.

krudler

He wrote a list? Has he never watched Friends? no good will come of that, I'd tell him you saw it, otherwise everything will play on your mind until an argument occurs and it'll pobably get blurted out anyway as anything we bottle up until the wrong moment tends to do

cournioni

Find me a person who doesn't have any cons and I'll give you €100. Hell my girlfriend is a Liverpool fan, and thats a con right there!

My point is, no one person is perfect. He loves you regardless of any of these cons which would most likely go unnoticed for him but for the fact that he was in his darkest hour. He obviously forgot all about the list as he let you view the files on his computer and he will probably be ashamed to have even wrote out the list if you tell him.

If you want my opinion, do exactly what seamus said in his post. Either forget about it, or tell him that you saw the file in an unaccusing/non threatening way and ask him to explain them, again in an unaccusing/non threatening way. My guess is that his head will be in his hands and he will apologise to you for even thinking that way.

Wagon

The Nice Jumper wrote: »

Seems very clinical to draw up a list of pros and cons. Maybe he's generally quite an anal guy, and probably can't get his head around the fact that relationships cannot be put down on paper and boxes ticked. Feelings can't be accounted for in a list of pros and cons.

but it can help you clear your head if it's completely all over the place. Works for some. Doesn't mean he's anal, it just means that he wanted some clarity on the situation in his own head and used some basic logic instead to help.

pretty-in-pink

lists can help, and I don't see why he would feel the need to discuss things he knows will hurt the OP if simply by doing the list he got the conclusion he hoped for. Sometimes they clarify things, other times they don't. Don't stress over it OP, he loves you. What are the "pros"? (just answer to yourself here if ya like)

Is he the best looking person you've ever been with? Probably not. In your rough patch were you less atrracted to him then usual? Probably

Let it go, just be happy that you are both happy now.

Kicks

For starters you did what I think most people would do, I think it's a natural thing to be curious about seeing your own name on a file on your partners computer - I'd have done the same.

It's very hurtful to read bad things about yourself, nevermind from someone who you are in a relationship with, to read such things are not nice at all but you must try to put that file in context of your relationship at that time.

My GF and I went through a rough patch too and I actually did the same, in fact it was over 8 months ago and I just realised I still have it on my computer!! *delete* Him having it is just coincidence, it got forgotten about when things got going good with you two again. Looking over my pro/con letter just there though I too said some things in it I cannot believe I even thought, looking back I was pissed at her and actually think I hated her for a short while and that's why I wrote some very hurtful things about her personality and appearance - but it was me getting defensive/protective to make myself feel better and justify me being mad at her. I was purposely finding every little tiny flaw with her that I could - in fact something I think guys know hurt girls is their looks so I know I made an effort to put her down for her looks when in reality she is beautiful. We're so close now though after getting through it that I feel embarrassed and ashamed of some of the things I wrote - I wrote them in anger and in an attempt to justify reasons why I'd be better without her so I'd feel better if we did break up - I guarantee that what he wrote then he doesn't truly feel that way about you now, I bet your gorgeous to him!

It's a tough call on saying it to him, may I suggest you wait a few days before jumping in there? I personally would bring it if you wanted to be assured he doesn't still feel this way about you, but from my history I'd make sure to do it with a level head and try to let some initial shock/emotion calm before it - don't go on the offensive and get at him for writing the letter, people cope different ways when times are tough, his head could have been all over the place and he needed to write it all out to get some clarity on things. There's nothing wrong with you looking for assurance from your boyfriend about how he feels about you!

Edit: Just thought I'd mention too that my GF's way of dealing with the rough patch was to text, call and meet up with her ex BF on a night out...it hurt to think she actually went as far as to meet up with an ex on a night out deliberately because she wanted to feel better at the time, she went out dancing with him and was drunk texting him for a while. Personally i'd prefer to find a pro/con letter saying some terrible things about me than that - but of course that is just me and you may be different.

kittenkiller

What were the pro's OP?

Since he decided to stay with you, I'd be trying to focus on all the good points he loves about you rather than the weight issue.
If your weight is bothering you, then maybe do something about it, but if not and he hasn't bothered saying anything to your face, then I'd leave it be.

Don't let a good thing go just because of a silly list.

miec

Hi Op

Listen to Kick and Seamus, I think they have both hit the nail on the head.

rachp85

I don't think you did anything wrong by opening the file as it had your name on it as obviously that would have attracted your attention. I would 100% definately do the same.

I agree with kicks, he wrote this during a bad patch and was maybe unnecessarily nasty. You said you would never write this list but i'm sure you probably at least thought some bad things about him that you might not agree with now that everything is good again. When i fight with my bf, i can be a bit negative, picking on all his bad traits but this usually disappears when all is well again.

Writing a list is just a way of sorting your thoughts and clearing your head. To be honest, it sounds like he was trying to decide whether the relationship was worth holding on to and he obviously decided that it was. I think you have to say something to your bf, otherwise your just going to feel s**t about it and yourself. It's hurtful for someone to pick out what they think your flaws are but give him a chance to explain his side and make it up to you

Terodil

rachp85 wrote: »

I don't think you did anything wrong by opening the file as it had your name on it as obviously that would have attracted your attention. I would 100% definately do the same.

Nonsense, it is as wrong as it is understandable.

It's hurtful for someone to pick out what they think your flaws are but give him a chance to explain his side and make it up to you

What should he make up for exactly? That he made a careful deliberation?

The guy did nothing wrong, at all. The OP touched the hot cooking stove and is now complaining that her hand got burnt. The list is a thing of the past, the bf has decided, on the basis of the list, to stay together with the OP. It is his thoughts and his alone. The OP should just forget about the list and remember that the two are together now.

girl2

Firstly, I would say that if it were me and I seen my name on my other half's computer, I would open the file. In my opinion, yes while everyone is entitled to their privacy - if youre in a relationship with someone, should it not be a case where there is nothing to hide?

The fact that he wrote a list could mean that he was trying to console himself and make himself feel a bit better. Especially as you were going through a rough patch. I know there are plenty out there who would certainly think the worst in their head about their other half if things werent going so well. But not everyone would take to write a list.

Youre together now and maybe thats whats important right now.

Or if this is something that is really getting to you, maybe you should be honest and tell him you looked at the list. Especially as it was your name.

Hope youre ok.

LegacyUser

Op here

thanks for everyones replies, i do feel a bit better now. And thanks for being understanding about me looking at the file, it was so stupid and so wrong of me and i was expecting everyone to really blast me for that, which i would have deserved.

People are right in saying that when im angry at him, his faults seem much more substantial than when we're happy. I have issues with my looks and have had all my life, so i guess it hurt even more cos of that.

As for the pros, well i didnt see anything on that. When i realised exactly what the file was, i looked at the cons first (naturally) and then he came back so i closed the file before seeing the pros. I do know there were pros there, thats what ive been hanging onto.

I still havent decided what to do - let it go or speak to him about it. I think the advice on giving it a few days to sink in first is good. Hopefully, the hurt will ease and i can just forget about it. Thats what id like to do, its really not a conversation i want to have. For one, he probably wont ever trust me not to go looking at his private stuff again. At the same time, i dont want to feel so self-conscious when he so much as looks at me, which i do right now.

2manyconditions

I know its too late but you should not have opened the file. He gave you the PC for your work not to read his personal files. How would you feel, if he opened your diary.

Sometimes its hard not to be nosy but you just have to stop yourself. We are all entitled to a little privacy. And it would be nice if ones OH respected that.

I wouldn't go discussing this file - you shouldn't have opened it. Like a previous poster said, he is moved in with you. He obviously likes you - no point discussing something thats probably irrelevant now anyways.

Abi

2manyconditions wrote: »

I know its too late but you should not have opened the file. He gave you the PC for your work not to read his personal files. How would you feel, if he opened your diary.

Have to stop you there. It wasn't a diary, and do you normally name your diary your OH's name?

Sometimes its hard not to be nosy but you just have to stop yourself. We are all entitled to a little privacy. And it would be nice if ones OH respected that.

Texts and emails I agree with. He gave her access to his files, she wasn't snooping. If you open your 'my documents' for example, it will take you a few moments to find what you are looking for. So there is some 'scanning' involved.

I wouldn't go discussing this file - you shouldn't have opened it. Like a previous poster said, he is moved in with you. He obviously likes you - no point discussing something thats probably irrelevant now anyways.

He moved in with her, but he can't discuss his issues with her. interesting

Abi

unregistered wrote: »

Op here

Hopefully, the hurt will ease and i can just forget about it. Thats what id like to do, its really not a conversation i want to have. For one, he probably wont ever trust me not to go looking at his private stuff again. At the same time, i dont want to feel so self-conscious when he so much as looks at me, which i do right now.

That paragraph is your raw thoughts on the matter. Its you guilt-tripping yourself VS You still need to take some action. Are you afraid of losing him?

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd tell him you read it, and look to get in shape. If I was in a relationship with a girl and she let herself go I'd feel like she didn't care that much about me.

LegacyUser

i went through a bad patch with a girl before i was going out with for years, and did the same, wrote out a list of pros and cons.. i typed cons that weren't true, even in my mind, but because i was looking for an excuse to possibly end things, i was being pessimistic at the time... some of the cons were to do with her looks, but she was actually an attractive girl, i never added anything about how she looked at me or how she smiled... but the list actually helped me to realise that i was wrong about what i had written.. i have no idea if i deleted the file...

basically, my advice is not to believe that list if you were going through a bad time at the time... the list would be very different if he was to write it when you're going through good times...

as others have said, he stayed with you despite what he wrote...

by the way, i would have opened the file if i saw my name on it...

and i'd start working on being more optimistic about yourself and start believing in yourself... you sound like a nice person... i have no advice on whether to tell him or not...

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I know this is difficult to believe, but it's a positive situation.
I created a similar list when I was considering breaking up with my OH and don't consider it "anal" as one poster mentioned. When you mature a bit you realise that the fairytale is not going to happen and you aren't going to marry the perfect OH. I would not call this settling, rather getting rid of fantasies and a reality check. Sometimes you just need to rationalise it in your head, or a list in this case.

It's an emotional time when decided to continue or end a relationship, especially if you are unsure and I feared that i was leaving for no good reason and would regret it. My OH was a great girl and we certainly got on. In the end I left because I believed there was a fundamental long term differences between us and could not see a future - the list just confirmed this. If I had found the positives outweighed the negatives, I would have committed long term.
In your case, he did the list and even looking at your worst attributes, he still picked you over his previous GF's. The fact is, he asked you to move in shortly after this which shows he has made his decision and has committed to you. I would say he is in for the long term, and if that was not the case he would have left there and then. Overall, its good for you if thats what you want.

Finally I would not discuss the document with him - it will only cause hurt and confusion. It's really unfortunate you saw the document - sometimes absolute honesty is not the best policy - life is hard enough without hearing every criticism your partner or friends could make about you. Try and let it go, do something for yourself re self image and make the best of your life together.

Kicks

Just like to reiterate that I think that in terms of you feeling like you were snooping around, you shouldn't feel bad for opening the file - you're using someone elses computer and see a file named after you...nothing wrong with opening it, humans are curious people and it's natural what you did.

If you were turning around saying you go through his phone every chance you get, check his emails, check his web browsing history etc. then you could say you are being nosy - but one file that was named after you...sorry but that's not snooping that natural curiosity.

Abigayle is 100% right on your raw thoughts on it - if you are feeling like that you have to talk about it - BUT you don't actually have to talk about the letter you read - why don't you just bring up how you feel about your looks without reference to the letter? Get him chatting to you about it and as the conversation continues you can bring up the things that are bothering you without any need to refer to the letter - every girl asks their guy about their looks so you doing this won't be seen as giving away the fact that you read that letter.

kjl

The other thing that nobody has pointed out is that if you are unhappy about your weight that there is something you can do about it. This list highlighted you biggest fears and made you realise that even someone who cares about you deeply see's these flaws too. The best way to resolve this is to get rid of the fear in the first place.

Terodil

Abigayle wrote: »

He moved in with her, but he can't discuss his issues with her. interesting

While I agree with you in principle, Abigayle, I do think that you're taking it a bit far here.

1. Sometimes we need time to make up our minds. Especially when head and heart are at odds, making lists can help you bring light into the darkness of confusion. It allows you to weed out stuff that may be irrelevant, and to identify the things that really matter. This is not something you can do together with somebody else, usually, least of all the person it's all about.

2. Some properties you can just accept or leave. You cannot (and should not want to) change people beyond a certain point. In neither case would it help to bring them up: If we do not see it in us to *truly* accept them and love the other not in spite, but because of them (in which case you would no longer want to discuss them), then they are dealbreakers, and would require no discussing either because the relationship would be over. The grey zone in between is where I'd agree with your position, though.

I would say that the OP's OH in this case decided that he'd love her with all the cons on the list. That's a very positive outcome!

Nevyn

Yes you should not have gone looking and you wil need to get over what he wrote as cons and treasure what he put as pros.

If I had found such a list after my partner had moved in with me honestly I'd be glad
as I would take to to mean he had really took some time and had choose to be with me despite the cons and didn't move in on a whim or to keep me happy, all of which means he wants to be in the relationship with me.