Feel like I missed out

LegacyUser

OK so...... basically I'm a 24 year old woman....... was always quite a quiet person, was very unhappy as a teenager as I had moved to Ireland from another country and always felt left out. I wasn't very 'cool' as my parents were very strict, so I didn't ever do the whole 'teenager' thing - no scoring, no smoking, no real drinking to speak of. I'm mostly glad for that since I never picked up a 40 a day habit or anything, but I feel totally inexperienced when it comes to men. I only had my first boyfriend at 21, went out with him for 2 years then met my current boyfriend. In constrast, my current boyfriend started scoring and touching girls at 13, has had 9 or 10 girlfriends and 'sexual relations' with about 6 or 7 more. The result of this is that more than ever I feel cheated out of my teenage years and quite resentful that I never got to experience the 'normal' way of growing up, experimenting etc. My boyfriend is at a stage now where he's had his fun, he's had the wild times, the randomers and now he wants to settle down, and it feels totally unequal in that way. My ex had only had 2 other girlfriends so it was fairly balanced, but now I just feel like I've missed out. He doesn't seem to understand how I feel and he says he can't change his past.......I'm well aware of that but the whole thing still bothers me! help!

mia1

OP i felt a bit like you did before I finished with my boyfriend. Like you I felt like I was missing out on "freedom" really I suppose, of being able to go where I wanted, do what I wanted and be with whoever I wanted without having to think of someone else all the time. I had been in steady relationships from about the age of 18 so felt I had missed out on a lot. This along with other reasons lead to us breaking up.

And guess what, now that I'm single I miss all the positives of being in a steady relationship that I took for granted. I've went out more, drank too much and had one night stands and to be honest it has made me feel like absolute crap...moral of the story in my case, the grass isn't always greener.

I don't regret the breakup as there was other problems in the relationship and likewise I definitley don't regret being in steady relationships through those years.
I dread to think how I would have dealt with the same situations I face now as a single girl at a less mature age.
As you mentioned your glad you "never picked up a 40 a day habit or anything" so I would say try to focus on this, the situations a steady loving relationship has protected you from in a way and all the positive things you have learned in your relationship about yourself, your partner etc.
And to be honest I think you gain more sexual experience through being with 1 steady partner than loads of 1 night stands;)

Bottle_of_Smoke

Not to get philosophical but in one sense the past doesn't really exist anymore. All you can do is make the future better.

Are you happy with the boyfriend? you're still young could go to college or go travelling, even both. Experience life

I know a girl who's mid thirties, been in an office job for a big company since she finished school and never got promoted but its fairly decent pay, never travelled and was really down about it. That was 18months ago. She's still there and I'm fairly sure she'll never be promoted and will continue feeling life passed her by.

I'd much rather be in your situation

BumbleB

Unregistered wrote: »

OK so...... basically I'm a 24 year old woman....... was always quite a quiet person, was very unhappy as a teenager as I had moved to Ireland from another country and always felt left out. I wasn't very 'cool' as my parents were very strict, so I didn't ever do the whole 'teenager' thing - no scoring, no smoking, no real drinking to speak of. I

God I could have written that myself ,I moved here too and always felt on the fringe.Parents were exactly the same, wouldn't let me have friends and I was totally socially inept when I left school. I had enough and I moved out and left the house.

ManOfMystery

Unregistered wrote: »

OK so...... basically I'm a 24 year old woman....... was always quite a quiet person, was very unhappy as a teenager as I had moved to Ireland from another country and always felt left out. I wasn't very 'cool' as my parents were very strict, so I didn't ever do the whole 'teenager' thing - no scoring, no smoking, no real drinking to speak of. I'm mostly glad for that since I never picked up a 40 a day habit or anything, but I feel totally inexperienced when it comes to men. I only had my first boyfriend at 21, went out with him for 2 years then met my current boyfriend. In constrast, my current boyfriend started scoring and touching girls at 13, has had 9 or 10 girlfriends and 'sexual relations' with about 6 or 7 more. The result of this is that more than ever I feel cheated out of my teenage years and quite resentful that I never got to experience the 'normal' way of growing up, experimenting etc. My boyfriend is at a stage now where he's had his fun, he's had the wild times, the randomers and now he wants to settle down, and it feels totally unequal in that way. My ex had only had 2 other girlfriends so it was fairly balanced, but now I just feel like I've missed out. He doesn't seem to understand how I feel and he says he can't change his past.......I'm well aware of that but the whole thing still bothers me! help!

So it wasn't really an issue when you were with your ex, but it is now?

Is the issue really the fact that you had a fairly reserved upbrining, or the fact that you're insecure about your current boyfriend's history?

Hope that doesn't come across as harsh as I don't intend to sound that way, it just seems to me that if your current boyfriend also had a very quiet/reserved upbringing, this wouldn't be a big problem.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So it wasn't really an issue when you were with your ex, but it is now?

Is the issue really the fact that you had a fairly reserved upbrining, or the fact that you're insecure about your current boyfriend's history?

Hope that doesn't come across as harsh as I don't intend to sound that way, it just seems to me that if your current boyfriend also had a very quiet/reserved upbringing, this wouldn't be a big problem.

It's more of an issue now, yes, as I don't feel we are on equal ground. It might sound childish but I suppose I think it's unfair that he's had all this fun and experience while I haven't.

Sanjuro

I went out with a girl, and I was number 28 on her list, she was number 3 on mine. While I did have my issues with it... mostly down to my perceived inadequacy with relationships, once we got past that, everything was fine. Nothing she did in her past mattered, just like nothing I did in my past mattered. All that mattered was that we cared about each other and were there for each other at that point. Unless your boyfriend makes it an issue for you, I wouldn't worry too much about history if I were you. All that matters is you and your boyfriend.

Best of luck!

Abi

Unregistered wrote: »

OK so...... basically I'm a 24 year old woman....... was always quite a quiet person, was very unhappy as a teenager as I had moved to Ireland from another country and always felt left out. I wasn't very 'cool' as my parents were very strict, so I didn't ever do the whole 'teenager' thing - no scoring, no smoking, no real drinking to speak of.

Thats really not a bad thing. I never smoked, but as a teenager I drank quite a bit, my focus was mostly on friends and guys. I resent that, because it set me back a bit and I didn't take my future very seriously. I'm only catching up with it now at the age of 30

I'm mostly glad for that since I never picked up a 40 a day habit or anything, but I feel totally inexperienced when it comes to men. I only had my first boyfriend at 21, went out with him for 2 years then met my current boyfriend. In constrast, my current boyfriend started scoring and touching girls at 13, has had 9 or 10 girlfriends and 'sexual relations' with about 6 or 7 more. The result of this is that more than ever I feel cheated out of my teenage years and quite resentful that I never got to experience the 'normal' way of growing up, experimenting etc. My boyfriend is at a stage now where he's had his fun, he's had the wild times, the randomers and now he wants to settle down, and it feels totally unequal in that way. My ex had only had 2 other girlfriends so it was fairly balanced, but now I just feel like I've missed out. He doesn't seem to understand how I feel and he says he can't change his past.......I'm well aware of that but the whole thing still bothers me! help!

I think you are over analysing this, and you don't actually realise what you have. Is this a case of the grass is always greener on the other side? Do you still love your current boyf? How pressing is this desire to find out what it would be like to score a load of guys and go out drinking etc all the time?

I think it is possible that you've become too focused on your partners previous lives, and you've lost track of what you've got.

The Nice Jumper

Unregistered wrote: »

In constrast, my current boyfriend started scoring and touching girls at 13, has had 9 or 10 girlfriends and 'sexual relations' with about 6 or 7 more. help!

I started snogging girls and copping a feel at the back of the supermarket when I was 12. 18 years later I've only had 2 what I would consider proper relationships (long-term) but I have certainly shagged more than 6 or 7 (perhaps 10 times more - and no I'm not riddled - even as a young fellow I always put safety first, despite the pope saying that using contraception means going to hell )...so I would say he could be lying about the paltry 6 or 7.

Piglet85

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So it wasn't really an issue when you were with your ex, but it is now?

Is the issue really the fact that you had a fairly reserved upbrining, or the fact that you're insecure about your current boyfriend's history?

Hope that doesn't come across as harsh as I don't intend to sound that way, it just seems to me that if your current boyfriend also had a very quiet/reserved upbringing, this wouldn't be a big problem.

This is exactly what I thought when I read your post. It doesn't really seem like you would regret your own upbrining if it wasn't for the fact that you feel it's unfair that it wasn't as wild as your boyfriend's!

It's one thing to regret your past, but if you only regret it because you feel insecure about him having more experience, than your past isn't really the issue at all. The issue is your insecurity.

It's not a competition; people are different and if you're happy in your relationship, so what if you're not equally matched in terms of previous exploits? Perhaps if you work on feeling more secure in yourself and your relationship (and that's not a criticism, I'm sure we've all been there), then maybe you'll find you're not so regretful of your own background afterall.

ManOfMystery

So lets imagine you did have a wild youth.

Sex, drugs, drinking, whatever.

Would that make you feel better about your current bf?

What if you split up with him, meet a guy who had a very reserved youth and he thinks you're a bit too wild/slutty for him - would you wish then that you hadn't done some of those things?

Your boyfriend's history should have no bearing on how you view your own upbringing. I personally think its good that you were brought up without a lot of bad habits which many of us end up regretting; you have a 'clean slate' so to speak, and you're hardly old - 24 is still young. If you really want to drink, smoke and sleep around, there's nothing to stop you from doing it now. But I think deep down you know this is just an insecurity on your part which has come about because of your current bf's past.

The Nice Jumper

Abigayle wrote: »

Thats really not a bad thing. I never smoked, but as a teenager I drank quite a bit, my focus was mostly on friends and guys. I resent that, because it set me back a bit and I didn't take my future very seriously. I'm only catching up with it now at the age of 30

I've had a bit of that going on . Never really thought there were others thinking the same thing. I think there should be a support group for 30 yr olds like us...the ones that had too much fun as teenagers. It's not just the nerds who deserve all the sympathy.

Abi

The Nice Jumper wrote: »

I've had a bit of that going on . Never really thought there were others thinking the same thing. I think there should be a support group for 30 yr olds like us...the ones that had too much fun as teenagers. It's not just the nerds who deserve all the sympathy.

Well its not all as bad as it seems tbh, I'm a full time science student now. And I don't think I'd have done as well in the subject had I studied it straight from school. I would like to think I'm more mature :pac: but life-experiences behind me made me realise what I need to do.

Some of us just tend to put the cart before the horse

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

He doesn't seem to understand how I feel and he says he can't change his past.......I'm well aware of that but the whole thing still bothers me! help!

Course he doesn't. And he never ever will.

My advice is that if you want to get out and sleep around and do whatever you like, then by all means do but only do it for yourself, not because you feel you should. And if you cant get over his past, my advice is to break it off and find someone who you are better suited to. He'll get over it.