Depressed friend

LegacyUser

I have a very close friend who has been suffering with depression for a few years now. I do all I can to listen to her and be supportive but I find it very hard sometimes. It's difficult to know what to say at times as I don't want to say the wrong thing or make her feel worse. She is getting medical help and counciling but things don't seem to be improving... she seem ok for a short while but is in bad shape now. I'm so worried about her but feel there is little I can do to help.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you help? How did you cope with it your self?

Agent J

1st rule: Lifeguard principle

If it is taking too much out of you to listen/be supportive to this friend then you have to back off for your own mental sake.

There is no shame in this. Everyone has limits. If you get dragged down as well then will be no use to your friend anyway.


Depression is a tricky one to handle remotely and everyone is different.

First thing i would try is to talk to your friend about it. Ask them what they think you can do to help. It might be a simple keep in contact with them or drag them out somewhere once a week or so.

Konata

In my opinion, contact is the most important thing. From personal experience, I know that a phonecall/ visit and a listening ear can make a world of difference. No, it won't cure your friend's depression but it will make him/her feel slightly less alone in the world. It's comforting just to know that someone is thinking of you, that someone cares.

You sound like you're on the right track. But try not to focus on always discussing your friends depression or topics that have caused it or worsen it. Don't ignore it, but try to talk about other things. Life in general. It's nice to have a distraction and not to feel set apart from ordinary things just because you have a mental illness.

Look after yourself aswell and keep up the good work. It already sounds like you're being a great friend.

LegacyUser

Agent J I can't back off. 1st she is one of my best friends. 2nd I'm the only person who she has to really talk to properly. It's only ever few months I think 'I can't listen to this any more' but that passes the following day. I could never forgive my self if something bad happen and I had not been there for her.

FallingSlowly we don't live that near each other so I can't see her every week but we are in contact by phone all the time. It's difficult because all she really talks about is her problem and the cause so it's hard to distract her from it all and have a regular conversation. How long did it take until you over came your depression?

Agent J

worried friend wrote: »

Agent J I can't back off. 1st she is one of my best friends. 2nd I'm the only person who she has to really talk to properly. It's only ever few months I think 'I can't listen to this any more' but that passes the following day.

You missunderstand. I am not suggesting you back off immediatly or at all possibly.

I am however suggesting and strongly recommending you put your own mental health first.

If that thought "I can't listen to this anymore" starts getting louder , more pronounced and doesnt dissapate then you have to take steps for your own sake. That doesnt nesscarily mean you server all contact either. Each situation is different.

I hope it doesnt happen to you but experience has thought me that if you are the sole emotional support for someone there will reach a point be in a week, month, 10 years where it gets too much. More then that when you reach that point and you are still their only emotional outlet then things can get very messy.

Why are you the only one they can talk to you? I'd try to see about sorting that first to be honest for both your friends sake and yours.

What are your friends interests/activities? Try and get them out and about as much as possibly. The worst thing they can probably do is stay at home all day in their room. Suggest activities you can do, bring them places introdcue them to people etc etc..

worried friend wrote: »

I could never forgive my self if something bad happen and I had not been there for her.

You are not responable for anyone elses actions. If anything godforbid was to happen it is not your fault because you could not pick up a phone when they called.

I realise i might come accross as a bit more cold then i mean but trust me this is built from too many bad experiences as a defence mechanism.

You can only do so much. And in order to keep doing something helpful for your friend you must find where your own limits are and watch for the warning signs that its getting too much for you.

LegacyUser

OP here.

I know what you mean. Just need to find a balance.

Her family are not supportive at all (possible even the cause of the problem). Her other close friends are in long term relationships and as a result don't have that much time.

If we lived in the same place it would be easier to get her out and about but distance is a bit of a problem.

Agent J

worried friend wrote: »

OP here.

I know what you mean. Just need to find a balance.

Her family are not supportive at all (possible even the cause of the problem). Her other close friends are in long term relationships and as a result don't have that much time.

If we lived in the same place it would be easier to get her out and about but distance is a bit of a problem.

Any chance of them moving somewhere else?

How about a poltie word in the other close friends ear? You dont even have to mention the depression at all. Just something like "When was the last time you talk to xx?" Sometimes people in relationships get lost in their own world and need a reminder,

How about remotely suggesting activities they could try in their locality then?

LegacyUser

I tried suggestion changes that might help her situation rather than continuing as it is. She seem to just ignore this although she is not happy with a lot of things. Any changes she did make didn't help, due to the depression I guess. She seem so stuck in the rut.

One of her other friend in question knows how down she is but doesn't seem to bother much about her. Wrapped up in her own life.

I guess there is very little I can do but listen. But that just doesn't seem to be enough. It's hard to see a friend go through this.

Konata

worried friend wrote: »

FallingSlowly we don't live that near each other so I can't see her every week but we are in contact by phone all the time. It's difficult because all she really talks about is her problem and the cause so it's hard to distract her from it all and have a regular conversation. How long did it take until you over came your depression?

Not there yet I'm afraid. I haven't been diagnosed that long but depression has been a part of other mental problems in my life for many years.
The important thing is that depression CAN be overcome. Timeframe of recovery differs for everyone and some people may dip in and out of it their whole lives.

I also think its important you take heed of AgentJ's advice. 2 years ago, I was in a situation like yours. I had someone who was very depressed and had previously attempted suicide come to me alot. This person (we'll say Spot) was receiving medical care aswell but confided an awful lot in me. At times I found in hard. I identified with so much that Spot felt but other parts I couldn't understand at the time. I tried so hard to be a role model for Spot (who was a few yearsyounger than me). Like you, I was so scared about anything happening to Spot. I was in Leaving Cert at the time and I remember feeling overwhelmed and stressed by the situation. It's really important that you also look after yourself, your friend does not mean to burden you in any way, she is merely looking for some relief from her own situation. Don't get down about it, you're doing everything you can. If anything were to happen to her, it's not your fault. A mental state of mind is very difficult to change and she's probably working on that with her treatment.

A listening ear and support is the best thing you can provide. Let her talk about her depression but do your best to focus on other topics too. Make her laugh, distract her even for a few moments. From both sides I know it's not easy but as long as shes getting medical care aswell, there's not much else you can do. Just don't forget about your own well-being in this situation!

LegacyUser

My best friend is also suffering long term depression, I have myself this year due to 2 upsetting events in my life so I do understand but as some other posters have pointed out you are not responsible for someone elses happiness.

I find with my friend she will fight to maintain her depression, doesn`t seem to want to do anything to break the cycle. Any number of excuses to go deeper into herself. Sometimes the expectation of "normal" behaviour is enough to pull someone out of where they are going.

I don`t myself find counselling helpful and talking only makes me feel worse. As you have said your friend has attended counselling so she does have someone bar you to talk to and it doesn`t seem to be helping - its frowned upon but not thinking or talking about things too much is the most widely used tool we have to cope and it can really be the best for some people.

You can take peoples coping tools away by being a crutch, maybe try giving her a bit of space and see if she fights her way out herself - we all love our friends but there will be situations and times in her life where she will have to deal with this herself, and needs her own tools to cope.

I`m a bit of a tough love type person but turn this situation around I`m sure you`ve had occassion when you felt bad and you have your own coping mechanisms - if someone took the responsibility off you, you might lie down (metaphorically) and give in to depression.

Good luck and be kind to yourself!!