friend issue

murphp272

I have a close friend about 6 years older than me who I met on a course 2 years ago, we have stayed good friends since and meet up every week or so and chat a few times a week. The thing is she always seems to go over the top when shes giving me things for christmas/birhtdays etc , for example my birthday was last october and she got me driving lessons worht over €150 while none of my other friends or even my family gave me this much ( my bf spent €100) , when christmas came I got an ipod off her and a few other things, when she goes away she brings me back perfumes and often when shes going to see something in the theatre or a concert she will get me a ticket too and wont hear of taking the money for it. Some people think this is great to have a friend like this as she is alsl the nicest peson ever is always there for me and has been a rock when I needed her, but some of my other friends think this is strange, I never really thought about it before as I am so used to her but I'd like to hear what other people think of this. Im 22 by the way.

unreggd

How old is your friend?

Is she minted?

she is also the nicest person ever, is always there for me and has been a rock when I needed her

I think this is the most important part

Do the expensive gifts make you feel uncomfortable, or is it only because your other mates said it's weird?
Also, do you feel you have to match her price range when you get stuff for her?

I don't think there's any harm in what she's doin

Forget what your mates say, think about your own opinion of the situation

TheBlock

Maybe she values your friendship and has a few quid so likes to threat her mate. Do you think she may be overspending compared to her income? Is there a concern on your part that she may think she has to buy your friendship? If you feel you would like to say something to her I'd go with "Look I really appreciate all the nice gifts you get me and the tickets etc, but you know sometimes they an be very expensive gifts and you realise that I don't expect these and could never reciprecate. I know that we are close friends but maybe we should put a price limit on our gifts as it really is the thought that counts after all"

Alternativly if she is a little wealthy and likes to threat you enjoy your generous friend.

murphp272

Shes 28 and while I wouldnt say she is minted she has a very decent wage as a senior in the same profession that I am currently a trainee in, she works in a different company to me though. So yes her salary is possibly twice mine.
To answer your question if it feels uncomfortable to me I would say yes and no, while I love getting something nice ( who doesnt) I think about it later that it was quite extravagant, I dont feel I need to match her price range and I wouldnt but I would love to hear if anyone else has had similar situations with friends , do you think she is over the top? Or am I over reacting to all this. Like if I went out with her tonight and ran out of money she would give me €50 and wouldnt ask for it back and when I would go to give it to her she would tell me she didnt want it back.
Last month I was doing an assignment and my printer broke, I was talking to her on the phone and told her I was going to get a new one the next day, she text me the morning after to say she had one she wasnt using and was at my house within an hour with it, I went to give it back to her and she wouldnt take it and I know she could use it and will probably buy herself another one before she would take it back. It seems she would do anything for me, moreso than her other friends, family although having said that she is really good to everyone and wouldnt see someone stuck.
Anyone come across someone like this before?

unreggd

She just seems like a very compassionate person who'd do anything for anyone

Does she have any of her own mates? Do you share many friends or is it usually just you 2?

If she has a secure senior position then I'd understand her bein happy to splurge
Also, she could just love buying expensive stuff, even if it's not for her

Could also be some sort of "spoiling a little sister" thing

Doe she have siblings?

murphp272

Yeah it could be I dont know, sometimes though I feel mean because I couldnt afford to give her the same back and wouldnt particularly want to either, would it be her way of trying to make her self look superior to others or flaunt the fact that she has done better for herself than others have?
We dont have the same friends really, she has a group of friends from work but I dont know them that well so its usually just the two of us and as far as I can see she would give me alot more than her other friends, like at christmas she just gave them a bottle of something or chocolates whereas I got an ipod.
She has one sister a few years older than her who is married with kids. I dont know it not that I know her all my life I dont so I wonder why she does this, my friends think its strange. Should I cut contact with her or should I say something? If it is a "spoiling little sister thing" im not her sister. Any advise please.

Peggypeg

murphp272 wrote: »

Yeah it could be I dont know, sometimes though I feel mean because I couldnt afford to give her the same back and wouldnt particularly want to either, would it be her way of trying to make her self look superior to others or flaunt the fact that she has done better for herself than others have?
We dont have the same friends really, she has a group of friends from work but I dont know them that well so its usually just the two of us and as far as I can see she would give me alot more than her other friends, like at christmas she just gave them a bottle of something or chocolates whereas I got an ipod.
She has one sister a few years older than her who is married with kids. I dont know it not that I know her all my life I dont so I wonder why she does this, my friends think its strange. Should I cut contact with her or should I say something? If it is a "spoiling little sister thing" im not her sister. Any advise please.

It wouldn't be her showing off unless she announces to the whole world when she buys you a gift. She sounds lovely and you sound horrible if I'm quite honest, why in the name of God would you cut contact with her? That's an incredibly hurtful thing to do to someone just because they are too nice!! Talk to her and tell her how you feel. I think you should have a good look at what you've written above because that girl sounds like she deserves a better friend than you, you really don't deserve to be her friend if that is how little value you put on her friendship. I'm going to stop now because I'm quite disgusted with you and I'll only be banned if I continue.

murphp272

Thanks for reply peggypeg I sort of see where you might be coming from but its not me who is putting little value on this friendship as I don not expect all these expensive things at christmas etc and I dont expect her level of generouslity at all other times I would be happy with none of that.
But compared to the rest of m friends this is unusual , on my last birthday one of my really close friends gave me a present a month later as he totally forgot at the time and even at that it was just chocolates this is how most people are.
Maybe if I understood why she was like this it would be ok , but I cant make it out. Why would I be wrong to cut contact with her? Surely she should be spending her money on the friends she knows longer than me or family or something?

Taltos

I guess it all depends on how you both see each other really.

> Best friends
> Sister the other person never had
> Something a bit closer than either of the above

My take is you are posting here because maybe deep down you are uncomfortable. Maybe just reassure her that you really are her friend and there is no need to spend so much money on you - it just "embarrasses you"...

PS - some folk just value friendship more than material things - so personally unless you have seen signs I would not sweat it - she might just be someone who values your friendship as much as you value hers. Again though - if you think she is spending too much and you feel awkward as you cannot match just ask her to maybe spend a little less - or agree limits

murphp272

we would be close friends but not best friends, maybe i should cut contact or just withdraw a bit and maybe not acknowledge any more occasons and see if she does the same. I think she cares about others a bit too much which is odd and signals that maybe she needs to think about herself more i dont know.

Taltos

Why play games?
Why not just ask her - let her know you value your friendship but that you are embarrassed at the gifts she is getting for you.

Pulling back otherwise she may just start to wonder what she has done wrong. But up to you how to play it.

Ickle Magoo

If she's your friend then I don't know why you can't just have a wee chat to her about it & say they it makes you uncomfortable and you'd rather put a limit on gifts so you feel it's a bit more even.

Money is relative, what seems a lot to someone without money is very little for someone much better off. I think it's very unfair that rather than having a discussion about it and coming to some kind of amicable agreement you would just be really cowardly and cut contact or pull back.

txt_mess

I would say don't lose the friend but be honest tell her you feel awkward getting expensive presents off her say you really appreciate the friendship and the time she gives you but you feel like your taking advantage getting the presents and you'd like your friendship to be about the quality of time not the gifts.

In truth she sounds like a good friend just she either loves shopping or feels the need to show her friendship to you in an over the top way.

murphp272

Dont really want to offend her though so im hoping the friendship will fizzle out. What I would really like to know though is why she does it , why to people feel this need ? Whats behind it? And why with me more than anyone else she asociates with thats what i would really like to find out.

Also, does anyone else know someone like this, what has been your experience and how has it faired out, id be interested to find out others experiences on this.

unreggd

Cutting off all contact would be very cruel and hurtful

She hasn't done anything wrong

If you feel she's a but too nice or smothering you, then let her know, but she's still not doing anything wrong

Cheap Thrills!

Oh my God, cut contact?

How cruel, how nasty......how totally unnecessary and ungrateful.

So someone is lovely to you and treasures your friendship and is generous and kind and you reward her by contemplating cutting her dead....that is cold and ungrateful.

Your friend would be wounded to the core. She is probably an empathic and generous person and you are talking about here as though she is no better than a creepy weirdo. Its a terrible reflection on modern society when generosity is viewed as odd and strange and suspect.

I am similar to your friend, not as well off by any means at all but I would always put others before myself. Its just the way I was raised. I have often spent money on presents I would never buy for myself. Its the way people were raised years back.

Anyway, look I think that lady's friendship is wasted on you. Shame.

straricco

Having read through all the posts, I think that the OP is feeling a bit freaked out over this, especially as her friends are telling her its weird etc. Are some peops forgetting that she's only 22 and is asking for advice? OP, I agree with the posters that said you should talk to her about the presents and why she would spend so much. This is an opportunity to be assertive and discuss how you feel. And considering that you see her weekly and talk to her few times during week too, you seem to have a good friendship with her. Definitely worth asking her, and also pointing out that you don't expect her to spend so much.

D rog

If you're 'hoping the friendship will fizzle out' then you can't value it very much anyway? Do you want to remain friends in general or not? Apart from what other people say to you, what's your gut feeling?

If you really value her friendship and are simply awkward about the money/ presents thing, just tell her straight out what's bothering you. It's a much kinder way and she knows exactly where she stands and what the problem is, rather than cutting her out and leaving her feeling ignored for nothing really.