Dumped

Jessiegirl

On/off boyfriend of 14 months. Always had lots of female friends which I've not been used to in a man and found odd but accepted it. However couple are by email abroad, one I didn't know about till I found out by accident. He exchanged phone numbers with one (unknown to me) and she actually rang when I was there, I got very annoyed. I also know of a young girl he is in contact with he met on holidays last year (we were split up). Again I found out by accident when he had her on a messenger on his pc. I've never been comfortable with this and raised issue a few times. His most recent attitude is he's not committed to me (i.e. not married). I tried talking about it again on phone yesterday and he told me we're over and never to call him again.
Whether I'm being unreasonable or not it's something I'll never be comfortable with it. It's the fact it's done behind my back mostly so who knows what else goes on.
I can't believe he would dump me on the phone when I tried to express myself. He's often threatened to walk in the past if we have differences.

Ah well it sucks big time when you love someone and they don't respect you or are willing to talk or compromise. Anyone else had this in a realationship? I know some will say I'm wrong to feel this way.

LegacyUser

He doesnt love you, go find yourself some one that deserve your love.

AvaKinder

To be honest I'd get pretty fed up if my other half expected me not to be friends with members of the opposite sex, or to know who every single one of my friends is and who I talk to online.

Maybe it was too much for him.

Liam Byrne

Jessiegirl wrote: »

On/off boyfriend of 14 months. Always had lots of female friends which I've not been used to in a man and found odd but accepted it.

The on/off would imply that there's an issue there anyways.

And why anyone would view lots of female friends as "odd" is beyond me.

It sounds like you two are just too different. "Threatening to walk" (both the concept and the fact that you phrased it that way) also sounds odd, as if there were serious incompatibilities.

What you've described sounds a little abrupt, but forgive me if I read between the lines a little and view this argument as one of many which might just have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

I can imagine (drawing slightly from experience) thinking "ah, feck this for a lark"

This could be the same, no ?

Jessiegirl

He probably doesn't love me, you're probably right.

Sorry but I think talking to other women unknown to your partner (not talking old friends her but) online or by email or text is a no no.
My dad had an affair and I know all about the deceit of doing things behind people's backs. It's the secrets and the pretending that you don't have a girlfriend to these women. It happend to a friend of mine recently too.

It's one that needs to be talked about but it looks like he's just chosen them over my feelings on issues.

LegacyUser

you cant just ditch all your friends when you find a new bf. even though I know people who have done this and find it a rather unsavoury act and don't bother with them anymore even after they break up.

i remember reading this article in some gossip magazine where this woman was perpetuating the idea that one should purge one's life of friends of the oppositte sex, lest you end up having an affair with them. but what an absolute load of crock, you never ditch your friends unless they themselves have done something to deserve that.

maybe you are paranoid but it also means you get to stay in touch with who ever the hell you like while you are in a relationship

magneticimpulse

Seems like alot of people have the wrong end of the stick or i got it wrong? I presume you are friends with his friends? What I got is that he has met women recently or past year, and these women are in frequent contact with him but he has never introduced you to them?

I would feel exactly the same as you. I had a similar experience. I introduced my ex to all my friends. However I only ever met 1 of his friends (a guy). He had female friends, and this was no problem as they had been friends from before we even got in a relationship. Anyway he moved in with 2 girls and made lots of new female friends. However then he proceeded to completely block me from this part ofg his life...i never met them and he told them we had split up (when we were still together). Anyway I found it extremely frustrating. Im very happy for an OH have to have friend, male and female.

But what I think OP is getting at here, is that she would be happy to meet these people, but when confronts anything about them, he ex got snappy. Bascially not all guys are like this and he just wasnt in love with you and you deserve better. I do think his behaviour was odd. I mean why make a big deal about having female friends? Find someone who appreciates you and is happy to show you off to the world.

Dublin141

He doesn't seem to have invested a lot into your relationship - he isn't interested when you're upset about something, he dumps you pretty callously and even when you're together he says he isn't committed to you. He's been giving you pretty heavy signs that things aren't going anywhere. Try and pick yourself up and move on - he sounds kind of immature and you aren't in the same place emotionally.

But don't think that all men are prepared to cheat just because they have female friends. It definitely doesn't mean they are pretending they are single. It's natural to enjoy the company of other people and yes lots of people flirt with their friends but it's normally an ego boost and not anything sinister. I hope you can move on and find someone who wants the same things as you.

kjl

Jessiegirl wrote: »

My dad had an affair .......

Ding Ding Ding, We have found your problem. I think it is unfair to cast this guy with the same brush as your dad. All you know is that he has female friends. If you have a problem with that, find yourself some freak who has no mates at all, that should solve you problem.

Either that or lighten up, you ex dumped you because you were way over the top about something small. It would be fair enough if there was any proof he was doing something wrong, but there isn't.

You need to grow up a little before your next relationship.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, I have had a couple of girlfriends exactly like you and exactly in the same situation. They couldn't accept that it was possible to have friendships with the opposite sex and I behaved the same way as your boyfriend because I didn't want the hassle of dealing with an unreasonable girlfriend.

If you were completely ok and relaxed with your boyfriend none of that stuff would bother you and you'd find he'd respond. As it is I don't think you are telling both sides of the story.

Incidentally, I ended up married to a nurse, who because she deals with life and death on a daily basis couldn't care less about petty jealousies. I have no fear about adding any female contact I come across to my facebook.

Kimia

kjl wrote: »

Ding Ding Ding, We have found your problem. I think it is unfair to cast this guy with the same brush as your dad. All you know is that he has female friends. If you have a problem with that, find yourself some freak who has no mates at all, that should solve you problem.

Either that or lighten up, you ex dumped you because you were way over the top about something small. It would be fair enough if there was any proof he was doing something wrong, but there isn't.

You need to grow up a little before your next relationship.

This is horrifically unfair - OP please do not listen to this rubbish.

What I understand from your OP is that your on off boyfriend was meeting girls, exchanging numbers with them, and talking to them secretly and when you found out he argued that you were not married so he had every right to these secret friendships.

It's not about the friendships - if the boyfriend was open and included the OP in his new found female friends well then fair enough, but it sounds like he was loving the attention and possibly even pretending he was single while doing so. Threatening to walk when told that his actions were hurting her was very immature.

OP I think you're better off without him to be honest. He clearly seems to have no respect for you and doesn't listen to a word you say about how these new friendships make you feel.

If my boyfriend suddenly had these new female friends he met on hols or wherever and exchanged numbers with them and chatted with them on msm without mentioning them and then got defensive when asked I would be angry too. There is no way he would do it to be honest, not because he's not 'allowed' have femal friends (of course he is!) but because it's inappropriate and weird. Your instincts were right OP.

Jessiegirl

Thanks for the different views guys. I was told that was the end of it on the phone when I brought it up again and not to call him again. I find it an extreme reaction. 2 of these girls are supposed to be just penpals abroad, one he met on holidays.
I think what I can't understand is the deceit of not telling me and not letting them know he has a girlfriend up front and his extreme reaction of dumping me over the phone.
I miss him of course but he's dumped me before and I'm just trying to make sense of it all and why he reacted so extremely. Nothing I can do now, perhaps he will get in touch. It sucks doesn't it.

keanooo

Jessie,

Same as above. It's obvious from what you've said and how he's behaved that he doesn't and didn't love you. In fairness to him he hasn't tried to pretend otherwise and you have to accept that it's over. Don't bother thinking about all the things you think he did wrong during the relationship or the manner in which you split up. Draw a line under it, learn what you can from it and move on.

It's a fantastic opportunity to start afresh with someone decent (all the things you don't want to hear, but are true nonetheless). Just be clear about what you want and expect from yourself and your future love-to-be.

Hope that helps.

Jessiegirl

Thanks keanoooo. You are probably very right. Though I love this man and would like things back as they were. Ah well, I've a child and been in a much longer relationship and turned 40 so I can't deal with this kind of immature behaviour. Maybe he'll wise up one day, but at his age who knows

Liam Byrne

Jessiegirl wrote: »

2 of these girls are supposed to be just penpals abroad, one he met on holidays.

Again, your phrasing gives you away......why do you automatically doubt that that's what they are ?

Jessiegirl wrote: »

I miss him of course but he's dumped me before and I'm just trying to make sense of it all and why he reacted so extremely.

And if I were him I'd be trying to make sense of why you reacted so extremely to him having friends.

He's not your dad. And while I'd have some sympathy for you based on that story, grilling a guy about friends and automaticaly assuming the worst will guarantee that a relationship is doomed to fail.

Sorry, but the above is 100% true; and rather than bull**** you about how he doesn't love you, it needs to be said......maybe he did love you but found the above behaviour, doubt and accusations re his friends impossible to cope with.

I'd have left too.

But if you learn from this and stop doubting/accusing, then at least it won't have been in vain.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm telling it like it is so that you can learn from it for the next guy that you meet.

Jessiegirl

Thanks Liam, I see your points.
So is there anyway to fix this? He doesn't want me to contact him so do I respect that and leave him alone or see does he get in touch? I have lots of things here belonging to him. I am very upset you know to lose him.

magneticimpulse

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

OP, I have had a couple of girlfriends exactly like you and exactly in the same situation. They couldn't accept that it was possible to have friendships with the opposite sex and I behaved the same way as your boyfriend because I didn't want the hassle of dealing with an unreasonable girlfriend.

If you were completely ok and relaxed with your boyfriend none of that stuff would bother you and you'd find he'd respond. As it is I don't think you are telling both sides of the story.

Incidentally, I ended up married to a nurse, who because she deals with life and death on a daily basis couldn't care less about petty jealousies. I have no fear about adding any female contact I come across to my facebook.

Apparently there was an article in the Irish Independent last week which says 30% of Irish marriages involving nurses ends in divorce. Above this was dancers and bartenders.

magneticimpulse

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Again, your phrasing gives you away......why do you automatically doubt that that's what they are ?



And if I were him I'd be trying to make sense of why you reacted so extremely to him having friends.

He's not your dad. And while I'd have some sympathy for you based on that story, grilling a guy about friends and automaticaly assuming the worst will guarantee that a relationship is doomed to fail.

Sorry, but the above is 100% true; and rather than bull**** you about how he doesn't love you, it needs to be said......maybe he did love you but found the above behaviour, doubt and accusations re his friends impossible to cope with.

I'd have left too.

But if you learn from this and stop doubting/accusing, then at least it won't have been in vain.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I'm telling it like it is so that you can learn from it for the next guy that you meet.

Would you have chatted hours on end to secret women on MSN, told these women your single and then expect your girlfriend to be ok with it! I know what its like to be in this situation. My ex told everyone in another city he was single. And had sex with other women. I know this because I contacted one of his female friends to ask why nobody would talk to me or accept me as a friend of theirs. Ive no problem with men having female friends...its when they lie about it then its a problem.

She told me we had broken up months ago (complete lie he told them), said he had been with other people and she knew for sure he was having sex with someone. They are no longer friends...so god knows what other lies he told them. Its perfectly fine to have female friends, it not fine to hide your girlfriend and tell them your single. Ive come across this behaviour all too many times.

Usually im the woman on MSN chatting to the guy and having dirty webcam when his girlfriend is unaware (he told me he was single). Believe me, there are plenty of guys out there who do go on like this.

OP is better rid of him.

Liam Byrne

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Would you have chatted hours on end to secret women on MSN, told these women your single and then expect your girlfriend to be ok with it! I know what its like to be in this situation. My ex told everyone in another city he was single. And had sex with other women. I know this because I contacted one of his female friends to ask why nobody would talk to me or accept me as a friend of theirs. Ive no problem with men having female friends...its when they lie about it then its a problem.

The answer to all the above is obviously "no"; within reason, though.....if you have a laugh with someone online ( I don't use MSN) and they're not really relevant, then they're not really a "secret" - they're just not relevant.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

She told me we had broken up months ago (complete lie he told them), said he had been with other people and she knew for sure he was having sex with someone. They are no longer friends...so god knows what other lies he told them. Its perfectly fine to have female friends, it not fine to hide your girlfriend and tell them your single. Ive come across this behaviour all too many times.

If you're in an established relationship and have your status as "Single", and you "hide" your girlfriend, then yes, I'd agree. If, however, you're one of the many people that don't put their status online, then you're not automatically hiding.

I don't know the facts, so I can't comment on specifics; what I can say is that something that looks vaguely iffy can be blown out of proportion based on someone's past experiences, and that's simply a sign of zero trust, rather than "proof" that anything is going on.

What you encountered was unacceptable; but it doesn't mean that it's what the OP went through.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Usually im the woman on MSN chatting to the guy and having dirty webcam when his girlfriend is unaware (he told me he was single). Believe me, there are plenty of guys out there who do go on like this.

There are, yes; and plenty of women, too. That does not mean that the OP's ex is one of them, or if they're one of the many decent people (of either sex) out there.

I've never encountered "dirty webcam", so I can't comment on that. Whatever about harmless flirting being misconstrued, I would certainly draw the line well before anything like that occurred.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

OP is better rid of him.

If he's like the guy that you encountered, yes; if you're merely projecting then you can't possibly know this (as a reflection on him, that is); it is, however, obvious that they're not compatible, so in that sense the statement is true.

magneticimpulse

The point is, if this was an open and honest relationship the OP would not have had her doubts. I dont think people get doubts for no reason. I know myself I was in a happy relationship and the ex talked about female friends...as I mentioned before its when they go out of their way to hide things. Usually you can tell there is a complete shift from openly talking about their life to them becoming strange and hiding everything.

I assume OP experience this change in character? Either way, its sometimes good to trust your gut instinct as normally its true. The guy I was chatting to for months on MSN and even met for sex did not have his status published on facebook. It wasnt until his brother told me he already had a girlfriend that i found out the truth. (of course the brother didnt realise I had befriended the guy on a sexual level).

OP its better to find someone who you can honest and trust. I am sure there are plenty of these men out there and who are open about being in a relationship to other people.