Obsessed with my age

LegacyUser · 09-01-2010 12:54am #1

I am going to be 37 years old this year and I am in terrible state of depression over it. I have been told I don't look my age, that was OK when I was 30 or so as I was told I looked 21 or 22 but now I can't get away with it any longer.
I have been looking at myself in the mirror quite a lot and even taking pictures of myself (pathetic I know). It gets me down to know that I am no longer youthful-looking and considered a "young man".
People who know me tell me I look the same as I did ten years ago but I don't believe them.
I notice it in the things people say to me also, like "are you married?", "do you own your own house?" etc.
I suppose it's still possible to be attractive at 37 but I just don't think I look as good as before (I am not overweight but I have a slightly receding hairline).
I have become completely paranoid about people finding out my age, I would never admit it to people in work. Stupid I know but I work with people in their twenties so I don't want to feel out of place.
It's just that I was always used to being seen as the youngest and now that's no longer the case. Some days I look in the mirror and am shocked at how old I look and other days I think I look like quite good. I am not in any way vain btw, I don't work out or use skin cream or anything like that.
I think my face and neck have "filled out" a fair bit and my forehead looks massive.
I can't wait for the summer to come, that takes years off me as I have fair hair and skin.
Another thing is that I don't think I will ever get married. I have never had a girlfriend as I suffer from low self-esteem and depression quite a lot.
I didn't think it was fair to inflict myself on a girl anyway. What makes it worse is that I I haven't "lived" at all. I never went out much, never travelled much, never did anything interesting really.I just really regret that I hadn't sex with girls and got drunk every weekend in my twenties, went to Australia for a year, got married in my early thirties, all the usual stuff. Working with young people who have done all that and have it all ahead of them makes me feel even more useless.
Life has passed me by and I can't live it again. I feel it's too late now.
I spoke to a counsellor and she said I am comparing everything with an "ideal" scenario but I am not so sure. Life is what you make it and all that but I didn't and I just have to live with it.
The age thing is just part of it, I constantly think about the past and things I think I should have done. I am about to become made redundant in three months time so I feel old, worthless and well pointless really.
I am no longer attractive to girls in their mid to late-twenties, I chatted up a girl in work who is about 27 who I thought liked me (I didn't do anything out of the way) but she was not interested. She flirts with me and is really friendly but obviously thinks I am just a sad old man and would prefer someone her own age.
It just made me think "If I was 27 too I might have got her"
Th trouble is there are not too many single women in their mid to late thirties out there. I have no practise and no social life so I don't see a way out.
It's just like I've woken up one day and found out "S***, I'm 37 and single, what happened?"
It's my own fault, I accept that. Still hard to live with though. Everyone else in work my age is married with kids. I would just love to be in my late twenties again, I would make the most of my looks (which are now gone).

Kell · 09-01-2010 2:46am

robbieq wrote: »

I am not in any way vain btw, I don't work out or use skin cream or anything like that.

Sorry- I dropped my popcorn bucket I laughed so hard. Have you listened to the cr@p you have typed so far?

robbieq wrote: »

I think my face and neck have "filled out" a fair bit and my forehead looks massive. I can't wait for the summer to come, that takes years off me as I have fair hair and skin.

See above :rolleyes:

robbieq wrote: »

I didn't think it was fair to inflict myself on a girl anyway. What makes it worse is that I I haven't "lived" at all. I never went out much, never travelled much, never did anything interesting really.I just really regret that I hadn't sex with girls and got drunk every weekend in my twenties, went to Australia for a year, got married in my early thirties, all the usual stuff. Working with young people who have done all that and have it all ahead of them makes me feel even more useless.
Life has passed me by and I can't live it again. I feel it's too late now.

Did you honestly think out your post before you posted? That is the most self indulged load of drivel ever. What you needed to get to was-

robbieq wrote: »

I spoke to a counsellor and she said I am comparing everything with an "ideal" scenario but I am not so sure. Life is what you make it and all that but I didn't and I just have to live with it.

My own experience? Coming up to 30- boo hoo. I actually cried. Now 35- woo hoo. Life has been brilliant since 30. Can you not see, being that bit older, that you are separated from the things that held you back when you were 20ish because you are older and dont have to handle the embarassment or the self consciousness about yourself anymore and you sound like you are. Instead of saying "oh I am so f*ckng old and I wish I was young having sex and STI's every weekend (you dont want those, honestly), say "Older, (knowing better) and f*cking proud".

K-

LegacyUser · 09-01-2010 3:26am

OP, when I was younger, I had this vision of my 'future,' not a fixed view, but a vague kind of idea that it would involve marriage, kids, settling down, the whole 2.4 kids thing. It's like I've been driving across the desert chasing a mirage, and I suddenly found that I have arrived in the place where I thought the vision was, only to find it's just sand, there's nothing there!

You made the same mistake I made, driving along, fixated on the view in the distance, and missing all the lovely things you were driving past. The only thing to do now is to stop looking ahead in the distance, and start looking to the left and right, living in the here and now. Instead of pining for a future life plan, live for the day. Looks are not the issue at all, however much it seems. But the underlying depression can sneakily peer out from it's hiding place, and people can see it, and may avoid you on that basis. It is only by living for the day, doing what interests you today and makes you most happy today, regardless of what the future holds, that that happiness can shine through, and overpower the underlying dark feelings, even temporarily. Doing that every day makes you appear happier, and thus more attractive as a person.

Kell · 09-01-2010 3:51am

Notinterested wrote: »

Doing that every day makes you appear happier, and thus more attractive as a person.

OT- but if you applied that to your own issue you'd be a far happier person.

K-

tenchi-fan · 09-01-2010 3:57am

Hi Robbie, you can't regret every decision you ever made. It's a rut and you need to pull yourself out of it. At the moment you're moping over the past 37 years. Time spent moping is time wasted, because you could be using that time more productively - plan for the future & be in the best possible position to take advantage of all opportunities that arise.

You said you went to counselling, but why a female counsellor? Does her "ideal scenario" rationale help you or is she just stating the obvious and making no effort at perhaps getting at deeper issues or giving you helpful advice to move forward? Maybe try a different counsellor!

I'm not a counsellor but here's my advice: You're a man. You don't need to worry about the biological clock so there is no hurry on settling down. I know a guy who got married at 47 and had 2 kids within 3 years. You're saying you could score easier when you were 10 years younger but I only assume you're not looking out for college girls any more. many women in their 30s really want a family with a man who can give them security and happiness...

About the hair things.. I know all about that. My forehead is huge, I have a bald patch, my hair has been generally thin since I was in my early 20s and it's just getting worse - I just have to use a blade one all over. You seem to sound like you're getting off pretty lightly so be happy about that at least! You might consider a hair transplant. It's pricey but I know someone who got it done and it looks great.

BumbleB · 09-01-2010 6:02am

Kell wrote: »

Sorry- I dropped my popcorn bucket I laughed so hard. Have you listened to the cr@p you have typed so far?

See above :rolleyes:

Did you honestly think out your post before you posted? That is the most self indulged load of drivel ever. What you needed to get to was-

My own experience? Coming up to 30- boo hoo. I actually cried. Now 35- woo hoo. Life has been brilliant since 30. Can you not see, being that bit older, that you are separated from the things that held you back when you were 20ish because you are older and dont have to handle the embarassment or the self consciousness about yourself anymore and you sound like you are. Instead of saying "oh I am so f*ckng old and I wish I was young having sex and STI's every weekend (you dont want those, honestly), say "Older, (knowing better) and f*cking proud".

K-

Kell , to say you are colder than a penguin on an iceberg is an massive understatement.

networks · 09-01-2010 10:46am

kell you are as cold as the air this morning!!i agree with with the poster,we all have these regrets,so have i,but it effects some ppl more

LegacyUser · 09-01-2010 11:11am

Hi OP,
I'd agree with your counsellor in that you are comparing yourself to an ideal model. You look at people around you and you imagine that they have these great lives but have you tested this theory out? Do you know for a fact the ins and outs of the lives of others? The grass is always greener........at least for people with low self-esteem. And thats what your main in issue is, which you have correctly identified. The quickest way to drive yourself nuts is to compare yourself to other people. Its a fools game that will never give you what you're after, it'll never hit the spot. The reason why you compare yourself to others is that once in a while you come out on top and that feels great. For a few minutes, then you'll compare yourself again but this time you'll lose. But its the fleeting feeling of coming out on top, every now and again, that keeps people with low self-esteem coming back to the well. But in between those rare occasions where you do come out better than the person you are comparing yourself to, there are a lot of times you feel like a loser or a failure or that youre just not good enough. And thats the problem with comparisons, you lose way more times than you win. So I think the thing you really need to work on is your self-esteem. Its a discipline like any other so you have to keep practising and practising. Its like learning to play the guitar or learning a new language. For whatever reasons, your self-esteem was gradually eroded away over time, probably starting at a very early age. And bit by bit you lost more and more of the confidence and self-belief everybody is naturally born with. So it stands to reason that if it took time to lose that confidence it'll take time to get it back. Another analogy I'd use would be that of gaining and losing weight. When people gain weight it usually happens over an extended period of time, bit by bit, chocolate bar by chocolate bar until one day you turn around and your fat. And so to undo this damage to your body you gotta lose the weight bit-by-bit. The point is, theres no quick fix, it'll take time and dedication to get you back to where you belong. The good news is that you start to feel better straight away, its all about momentum.

Going to the counsellor is great and its a big part of your recovery but you gotta do work yourself, outside of the counselling sessions. I'd recommend using a book, "self esteem" by Matthew Mckay and Patrick Fanning, to compliment the counselling. But what I'd also say is that you need to develop your self awareness because whats happening is that youre passively allowing your environment to make you feel bad. You look at the people you work with who are younger than you are and you allow that to make you feel bad. You see these people and your inner critic will go off and have a field day on you. You start thinking: Wow im so old and theyre so young. Theyve lived so much more than I have, done more stuff. They have more sex than me, Ive never had a girlfriend, I have no sexual experience, I'll never have a girlfriend, I'm losing my hair, im losing my looks, people think Im old, I'll never date a younger girl, there are no single women my age, I'll die alone having never lived as full a life as everybody else..........and on and on and on. Now you may not say these exact thing to yourself but the general gist is that when youre exposed to some stimulus in your environment, like the younger co-workers, youre inner critic goes to town and you dont stand up for yourself, you dont challenge any of what that evil little voice inside your head is saying. So you gotta start fighting back.
Look, who gives a monkeys if all these people you work with said that they went to Australia for a year and got drunk and shagged until they dropped? Lie I said the grass is always greener. I know a few guys who went away to Australia, asia, south america, north america, the whole nine yards. Sounds great doesnt it? But the reality of the situation is that 3 of them came back in a desperate psychological state. They returned alcoholics, broke and with no jobs to come home to. Now before anybody starts saying that not everybody who goes travelling comes back an alcoholic, I understand that and not everybody will have the same experience. But my point is that things can look so good from the outside but once you scratch the surface you see whats really going on, the lives that people really have and a lot of the time people dont live the great lives you think they do.

The other point I'll make is that youre giving yourself a hard time over not doing some of the stuff others have done and youre filled with regrets and recriminations. But the fact is those people who did all that other stuff youre talking about havent lived your life or had your experiences. They didnt grow up in the specific, exact environment you grew up in. So your not comparing like with like. If they did grow up in the exact circumstances you grew up with you can be guaranteed they'd be where you are now. So stop giving yourself a hard time and beating yourself up, you did the best you could at any given moment. Its not your fault but unfortunately it is your responsibility. Its like being born with only one leg: completely not your fault but it would be your responsibilty to live the life of a person with only one leg. Dont beat yourself up, but at the same time push forward and dont play the victim.

Anyway, I hope that makes sense and is of some help to you. Please ignore What Kell said above. Thats just an angry person venting at the world.
Youre 37, which is not old at all, so get some perspective on things that reflects reality. To put things in context: Brad pitt is 46 and is going out with Angelina jolie who is 34. Tom Cruise is 47 and is married to Katy holmes who is 30. Warren beatty is 72 and married to Annette Benning who is 51. Im 35 and I talk a lot with older guys(in their 50s and 60s)and they always tell me that Im really really young. That you dont know how young 35 or 37 is until your 65 or 67. So like I said, gain some perspective and also realise that you are the age you are, nothing you can do about it. There are things in life you can control and a lot of things you cant. Ageing is one, so why fret over something you cant do anything about? Let it go. The same goes for regrets. You will tie yourself in knots worrying aabout things you never did or had or whatever. Its spilt milk, its past, let it go or it will chew you up and spit you out. Whats done is done and you cant change it. So why let it control how you feel right now? Dont worry about what others are doing. Feck them, let them do whatever. Only concern yourself with your life. Just because you havent done this thing or that thing or havent had this experience or another, so what, it doesnt lessen you r life in anyway or make you inferior. Stand up for your self and dont passively allow society or your environent to dictate your life.

Milky Moo · 09-01-2010 12:47pm

And when you are 47 you will be looking at 37 wishing you could be back there.

I think it has less to do about age and more to do with wishing you had done more with your life, so all I can say is DO IT NOW.

What's stopping you,a wise man once said 'The only obstacles are within us.'
So stop worrying about an arbitrary number and get out there and check some of those things off your list.

LegacyUser · 09-01-2010 12:53pm

Heya OP,

That does sound like quite a rut you're in... and I'm sorry to hear you're losing your job on top of it all. In a way, this might present you with an opportunity... have you started looking for other jobs yet? If you do, tell them you're available from 1-2 months or so AFTER you finish in the old job, obviously only if you have enough savings to get you by til then. If so, take this time and DO some of the travelling. I've known lots of people in their 30's who have taken even as little as 2 weeks and gone inter-railing around Europe - this seems to be easy enough ,since no visas etc are needed. And you do get to see lots of different cultures within a few days.

Regarding your social life - have you tried to change this? You could try going out and joining clubs - i know a man who started kayaking at the age of 44 and now really enjoys that and goes for drinks etc with the others in the club. There are many different types of clubs/groups etc you could join. Maybe take up a new language?

Another idea, maybe you actually could start working out - exercise releases endorphins that can immediately make you feel better about yourself. And looks are that important to you, why not use creams etc? I don't think this is the sign of a vain man..

Anyway, a wise person once said "do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always gotten". In other words, if you want a change in the way you live, it's up to YOU to do it. This piece of advice has always stuck with me and i think of it if I'm hesitant about doing anything.

As the previous poster said - there is no biological clock for men, so this should ease the pressure you are putting yourself under. Start enjoying life NOW and stop thinking about what you should have done earlier.

Eve_Dublin · 09-01-2010 6:17pm

Guest910 wrote: »

Hi OP,
I'd agree with your counsellor in that you are comparing yourself to an ideal model. You look at people around you and you imagine that they have these great lives but have you tested this theory out? Do you know for a fact the ins and outs of the lives of others? The grass is always greener........at least for people with low self-esteem. And thats what your main in issue is, which you have correctly identified. The quickest way to drive yourself nuts is to compare yourself to other people. Its a fools game that will never give you what you're after, it'll never hit the spot. The reason why you compare yourself to others is that once in a while you come out on top and that feels great. For a few minutes, then you'll compare yourself again but this time you'll lose. But its the fleeting feeling of coming out on top, every now and again, that keeps people with low self-esteem coming back to the well. But in between those rare occasions where you do come out better than the person you are comparing yourself to, there are a lot of times you feel like a loser or a failure or that youre just not good enough. And thats the problem with comparisons, you lose way more times than you win. So I think the thing you really need to work on is your self-esteem. Its a discipline like any other so you have to keep practising and practising. Its like learning to play the guitar or learning a new language. For whatever reasons, your self-esteem was gradually eroded away over time, probably starting at a very early age. And bit by bit you lost more and more of the confidence and self-belief everybody is naturally born with. So it stands to reason that if it took time to lose that confidence it'll take time to get it back. Another analogy I'd use would be that of gaining and losing weight. When people gain weight it usually happens over an extended period of time, bit by bit, chocolate bar by chocolate bar until one day you turn around and your fat. And so to undo this damage to your body you gotta lose the weight bit-by-bit. The point is, theres no quick fix, it'll take time and dedication to get you back to where you belong. The good news is that you start to feel better straight away, its all about momentum.

Going to the counsellor is great and its a big part of your recovery but you gotta do work yourself, outside of the counselling sessions. I'd recommend using a book, "self esteem" by Matthew Mckay and Patrick Fanning, to compliment the counselling. But what I'd also say is that you need to develop your self awareness because whats happening is that youre passively allowing your environment to make you feel bad. You look at the people you work with who are younger than you are and you allow that to make you feel bad. You see these people and your inner critic will go off and have a field day on you. You start thinking: Wow im so old and theyre so young. Theyve lived so much more than I have, done more stuff. They have more sex than me, Ive never had a girlfriend, I have no sexual experience, I'll never have a girlfriend, I'm losing my hair, im losing my looks, people think Im old, I'll never date a younger girl, there are no single women my age, I'll die alone having never lived as full a life as everybody else..........and on and on and on. Now you may not say these exact thing to yourself but the general gist is that when youre exposed to some stimulus in your environment, like the younger co-workers, youre inner critic goes to town and you dont stand up for yourself, you dont challenge any of what that evil little voice inside your head is saying. So you gotta start fighting back.
Look, who gives a monkeys if all these people you work with said that they went to Australia for a year and got drunk and shagged until they dropped? Lie I said the grass is always greener. I know a few guys who went away to Australia, asia, south america, north america, the whole nine yards. Sounds great doesnt it? But the reality of the situation is that 3 of them came back in a desperate psychological state. They returned alcoholics, broke and with no jobs to come home to. Now before anybody starts saying that not everybody who goes travelling comes back an alcoholic, I understand that and not everybody will have the same experience. But my point is that things can look so good from the outside but once you scratch the surface you see whats really going on, the lives that people really have and a lot of the time people dont live the great lives you think they do.

The other point I'll make is that youre giving yourself a hard time over not doing some of the stuff others have done and youre filled with regrets and recriminations. But the fact is those people who did all that other stuff youre talking about havent lived your life or had your experiences. They didnt grow up in the specific, exact environment you grew up in. So your not comparing like with like. If they did grow up in the exact circumstances you grew up with you can be guaranteed they'd be where you are now. So stop giving yourself a hard time and beating yourself up, you did the best you could at any given moment. Its not your fault but unfortunately it is your responsibility. Its like being born with only one leg: completely not your fault but it would be your responsibilty to live the life of a person with only one leg. Dont beat yourself up, but at the same time push forward and dont play the victim.

Anyway, I hope that makes sense and is of some help to you. Please ignore What Kell said above. Thats just an angry person venting at the world.
Youre 37, which is not old at all, so get some perspective on things that reflects reality. To put things in context: Brad pitt is 46 and is going out with Angelina jolie who is 34. Tom Cruise is 47 and is married to Katy holmes who is 30. Warren beatty is 72 and married to Annette Benning who is 51. Im 35 and I talk a lot with older guys(in their 50s and 60s)and they always tell me that Im really really young. That you dont know how young 35 or 37 is until your 65 or 67. So like I said, gain some perspective and also realise that you are the age you are, nothing you can do about it. There are things in life you can control and a lot of things you cant. Ageing is one, so why fret over something you cant do anything about? Let it go. The same goes for regrets. You will tie yourself in knots worrying aabout things you never did or had or whatever. Its spilt milk, its past, let it go or it will chew you up and spit you out. Whats done is done and you cant change it. So why let it control how you feel right now? Dont worry about what others are doing. Feck them, let them do whatever. Only concern yourself with your life. Just because you havent done this thing or that thing or havent had this experience or another, so what, it doesnt lessen you r life in anyway or make you inferior. Stand up for your self and dont passively allow society or your environent to dictate your life.

Wow. This is the best advice I´ve read on PI. I was having a bad day so this picked me up a bit as well, so thanks a million. You could apply a lot of the advice to so many people´s issues in here.

I have nothing to add to this advice except something my friend told me recently at a funeral of a friend´s brother who died at 31

Don't fear growing old - it's a privelege denied to so many.

BumbleB · 09-01-2010 6:30pm

Guest910 wrote: »

Hi OP,
I'd agree with your counsellor in that you are comparing yourself to an ideal model. You look at people around you and you imagine that they have these great lives but have you tested this theory out? Do you know for a fact the ins and outs of the lives of others? The grass is always greener........at least for people with low self-esteem. And thats what your main in issue is, which you have correctly identified. The quickest way to drive yourself nuts is to compare yourself to other people. Its a fools game that will never give you what you're after, it'll never hit the spot. The reason why you compare yourself to others is that once in a while you come out on top and that feels great. For a few minutes, then you'll compare yourself again but this time you'll lose. But its the fleeting feeling of coming out on top, every now and again, that keeps people with low self-esteem coming back to the well. But in between those rare occasions where you do come out better than the person you are comparing yourself to, there are a lot of times you feel like a loser or a failure or that youre just not good enough. And thats the problem with comparisons, you lose way more times than you win. So I think the thing you really need to work on is your self-esteem. Its a discipline like any other so you have to keep practising and practising. Its like learning to play the guitar or learning a new language. For whatever reasons, your self-esteem was gradually eroded away over time, probably starting at a very early age. And bit by bit you lost more and more of the confidence and self-belief everybody is naturally born with. So it stands to reason that if it took time to lose that confidence it'll take time to get it back. Another analogy I'd use would be that of gaining and losing weight. When people gain weight it usually happens over an extended period of time, bit by bit, chocolate bar by chocolate bar until one day you turn around and your fat. And so to undo this damage to your body you gotta lose the weight bit-by-bit. The point is, theres no quick fix, it'll take time and dedication to get you back to where you belong. The good news is that you start to feel better straight away, its all about momentum.

Going to the counsellor is great and its a big part of your recovery but you gotta do work yourself, outside of the counselling sessions. I'd recommend using a book, "self esteem" by Matthew Mckay and Patrick Fanning, to compliment the counselling. But what I'd also say is that you need to develop your self awareness because whats happening is that youre passively allowing your environment to make you feel bad. You look at the people you work with who are younger than you are and you allow that to make you feel bad. You see these people and your inner critic will go off and have a field day on you. You start thinking: Wow im so old and theyre so young. Theyve lived so much more than I have, done more stuff. They have more sex than me, Ive never had a girlfriend, I have no sexual experience, I'll never have a girlfriend, I'm losing my hair, im losing my looks, people think Im old, I'll never date a younger girl, there are no single women my age, I'll die alone having never lived as full a life as everybody else..........and on and on and on. Now you may not say these exact thing to yourself but the general gist is that when youre exposed to some stimulus in your environment, like the younger co-workers, youre inner critic goes to town and you dont stand up for yourself, you dont challenge any of what that evil little voice inside your head is saying. So you gotta start fighting back.
Look, who gives a monkeys if all these people you work with said that they went to Australia for a year and got drunk and shagged until they dropped? Lie I said the grass is always greener. I know a few guys who went away to Australia, asia, south america, north america, the whole nine yards. Sounds great doesnt it? But the reality of the situation is that 3 of them came back in a desperate psychological state. They returned alcoholics, broke and with no jobs to come home to. Now before anybody starts saying that not everybody who goes travelling comes back an alcoholic, I understand that and not everybody will have the same experience. But my point is that things can look so good from the outside but once you scratch the surface you see whats really going on, the lives that people really have and a lot of the time people dont live the great lives you think they do.

The other point I'll make is that youre giving yourself a hard time over not doing some of the stuff others have done and youre filled with regrets and recriminations. But the fact is those people who did all that other stuff youre talking about havent lived your life or had your experiences. They didnt grow up in the specific, exact environment you grew up in. So your not comparing like with like. If they did grow up in the exact circumstances you grew up with you can be guaranteed they'd be where you are now. So stop giving yourself a hard time and beating yourself up, you did the best you could at any given moment. Its not your fault but unfortunately it is your responsibility. Its like being born with only one leg: completely not your fault but it would be your responsibilty to live the life of a person with only one leg. Dont beat yourself up, but at the same time push forward and dont play the victim.

Anyway, I hope that makes sense and is of some help to you. Please ignore What Kell said above. Thats just an angry person venting at the world.
Youre 37, which is not old at all, so get some perspective on things that reflects reality. To put things in context: Brad pitt is 46 and is going out with Angelina jolie who is 34. Tom Cruise is 47 and is married to Katy holmes who is 30. Warren beatty is 72 and married to Annette Benning who is 51. Im 35 and I talk a lot with older guys(in their 50s and 60s)and they always tell me that Im really really young. That you dont know how young 35 or 37 is until your 65 or 67. So like I said, gain some perspective and also realise that you are the age you are, nothing you can do about it. There are things in life you can control and a lot of things you cant. Ageing is one, so why fret over something you cant do anything about? Let it go. The same goes for regrets. You will tie yourself in knots worrying aabout things you never did or had or whatever. Its spilt milk, its past, let it go or it will chew you up and spit you out. Whats done is done and you cant change it. So why let it control how you feel right now? Dont worry about what others are doing. Feck them, let them do whatever. Only concern yourself with your life. Just because you havent done this thing or that thing or havent had this experience or another, so what, it doesnt lessen you r life in anyway or make you inferior. Stand up for your self and dont passively allow society or your environent to dictate your life.

kudos to this person ,great post and the length of time it must have taken to type .fair play

Silverfish · 09-01-2010 6:32pm

There's no need to quote long posts just to give a +1, especially if it's your only contribution to the thread.

Thanks.

LegacyUser · 09-01-2010 7:06pm

Have to agree with Eve_Dublin, that was fantastic advice by Guest910, every single word was spot on. He/she must be a mind-reader.
I have to work on my self-esteem for sure. If I could get that sorted it would be a start. My age makes me feel "less" of a person. Comparing myself with others is a recipe for disaster I know.
It's just that I'm sitting there listening to people talking about places they have been, their houses, their girlfriends, their weekend plans, on and on and on, I just want to scream, it drives me effing nuts.
I feel inferior to people my own age and even more inferior to people younger than me (that's a lot of inferiority).
Hating photos of myself is a symptom I guess too. It's just that it's human nature for people to look at a person, guess their age and then assume they are married, own a house, have a permanent job etc. When they find out they don't have those things I think they will judge the person negatively.
I have lots of other issues like anxiety (stems from lack of self-esteem), poor social skills (think I am just born that way). I have started taking Zispin for the anxiety, I hate having to but I can't get more than four hours sleep a night with these crazy thoughts running through my head so I had to do something.
I don't know if I should change the counsellor, she was a good listener.

sunnyside · 09-01-2010 7:32pm

robbieq wrote: »

I have started taking Zispin for the anxiety, I hate having to but I can't get more than four hours sleep a night with these .

There are around 200,000 people in Ireland on various anxiety and depression medications. Don't let having to take medication become the focus of your life.

The not attractive to women thing is ridiculous, loads of women (me included) have partners who are quite a bit older than them.

You are really paranoid about how you look so it's strange that you would dismiss exercise and skincare. Perhaps you should try them out, buy some nice clothes, etc

Warfi · 09-01-2010 10:27pm

robbieq wrote: »

human nature for people to look at a person, guess their age and then assume they are married, own a house, have a permanent job etc. When they find out they don't have those things I think they will judge the person negatively.

I've met quite a few men in their late thirties who aren't married, haven't their own home, children etc. I didn't judge them negatively (if they had been outright twats I would've judged them negatively!).
It's very easy to fall into the trap of looking at people around you and thinking 'I should be like that. Why aren't I?'. If people around you were the same as you, you wouldn't feel under so much pressure. You're comparing yourself to people and it's killing you that you don't have what they have. Did you ever think that somebody might be comparing themselves with you and thinking 'He's so lucky that he didn't marry young and end up marrying a woman he had nothing in common with'. Believe it or not, some people panic and do things they don't want to do because they feel pressurised to fit in with their friends/family. Do yourself justice and start living your life the way you've always wanted to live. You're your own boss.

BumbleB · 09-01-2010 10:47pm

robbieq wrote: »

Have to agree with Eve_Dublin, that was fantastic advice by Guest910, every single word was spot on. He/she must be a mind-reader.

It's just that I'm sitting there listening to people talking about places they have been, their houses, their girlfriends, their weekend plans, on and on and on, I just want to scream, it drives me effing nuts.
I feel inferior to people my own age and even more inferior to people younger than me (that's a lot of inferiority).

Hey robbie,you have an awful lot of romantic ideals about relationships and life in general . The truth is relationships take a lot of work marriage takes a lot of work .The older guys who work with me ,tell i have the perfect life ,young,free and single. I can see what they mean, its difficult for them and their wives with kids.

Anyhow ,Rob you need to build up your self image ,you need to think (visualise) yourself as a powerful person that can direct and influence his life,you need to take the power back that you have given to external influences. See yourself as a man who is hte only one who controls his destiny.You need to decide to move on become a brand new shiny person with a totally different on life. When you were a baby you had no hang ups ,no social issues you didn't care .

If the inner talk is beating you take up meditation ,if you practise meditation every day you will suceed in quieting the mind in fact it will reduce to a whisper than you can barely hear. And when it rears its ugly head you can quiet it very easily.

Your state is ultimately controllable by your mind choose to control your state ,this is called detachment . Choose to be happy all the time. Go out buy yourself new clothes and be a new you.

LegacyUser · 10-01-2010 12:07am

Warfi wrote: »

It's very easy to fall into the trap of looking at people around you and thinking 'I should be like that. Why aren't I?'.

Yes that's exactly it. I do it all the time, along with "I wasn't like that at that age, why wasn't I?"

Warfi wrote: »

Did you ever think that somebody might be comparing themselves with you and thinking 'He's so lucky that he didn't marry young and end up marrying a woman he had nothing in common with'.

I doubt that, I can almost feel what they are thinking when they look at me. Whenever they talk about their wives/husbands I feel inferior again.
Anyways I am sitting here typing this on my own at home in my parents house coming up to midnight. I feel lonelier than ever (I don't mind admitting that I had a bit of a cry earlier).
I look in the mirror and I see a young old man staring back at me. I dread a future living on my own. I know I could be an OK person for someone, I am a decent enough guy.
Most people I know who are married all met their partners having been approached in pubs by them. I feel that is a problem now that I am not far off 40 (I'm sure there will be a load of posts saying the opposite). I only ever did that once and bottled it after a few minutes.
The funny thing is I got the feeling after that the girl was slightly disappointed.
It just makes me sick that other guys can approach any girl regardless of background and chat freely to them. I can't and I hate myself for it (comparing myself with others again, I know). My self-esteem is so low that I could never envisage a girl being interested in what I had to say anyway.
I am not a total dead loss when it comes to women, I can talk to them and be witty and interesting, just not for very long. I have struck up friendships with women and they seemed to like my company.I dress "young" and still have "young" interests so maybe someone younger might not see me as "old" even if there was a bit of an age difference. I am very conscious of not wanting to come across as desperate, I am aware that is a big turn-off.
Jesus, if I could just get into a situation where I could meet a girl and hit it off with her, by pure luck. it's just that that inner voice is very very good at convincing me I have no qualities which appeal to the women.

btw that's an astonishing fact about 200,000 people being on some form of meds for depression or anxiety. The nonchalance with which the doc prescribed it for me suggests this figure is accurate.

deisemum · 10-01-2010 10:29am

I think guest910 had given great advice, not much that I can add to it apart from personal experience that I didn't really enjoy my 30's but now that I'm 45 I find that life is getting better and better especially since I turned 40. If it were possible that I was given the chance to go back and live my 20's and 30's it wouldn't appeal to me.

As for others in long term relationships and marriages, there are so many of them that are unhappy and would envy your position especially if they've got huge financial pressure paying massive mortgages, childcare etc and feel so trapped. Look at all the marriages and long term relationships that break up and then having to start over and often with baggage yet so many go on to form other happy relationships. The grass is not always greener.

esmeralda · 10-01-2010 11:50am

If you'll excuse the UK context, I think we can all identify at least a bit with this opinion piece on this subject, which hopefully will also raise a smile...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/oct/12/charlie-brooker

The gist of it is:

"Age has been a lingering obsession of mine since I left my teens. However old I've been is too old. At 26, I felt totally washed up. At 32, I regretted wasting time worrying about my age as a 26-year-old, because now I was convinced I really was totally washed up. At 38, I look back at my 32-year-old self and regret that he wasted time with those regrets about wasted time. Then I regret wasting my current time regretting regrets about regrets. This is pretty sophisticated regretting I'm doing."

LegacyUser · 10-01-2010 1:00pm

God that Guardian piece makes me feel even more old! It's just that it's a case of it's just dawned on me "Bang!I'm finally old" I think what sparked it off was I had my picture taken yesterday and I compared to a one from six years ago and I was shocked at how much I had aged.
My face seemed to have expanded by 200 percent and my neck is the size of a tree trunk.
I didn't think it was possible to age that much in such a short time. The pic from six years ago was taken in summer time so I am not sure if it was such a good guide. I have one of myself from last summer and I look very young though.
This realisation seems to have kicked off a chain reaction of negative things in my head about me; I have a habit of speaking in low voice so people often have to ask me to repeat what I said. That bugs me enormously because it's just a habit I have, I can't help it. I try to remember to speak louder but I forget. I think it's because I am shy and I hate the sound of my voice (I think it sounds weird). I don't really want people to hear what I am saying.
I am quite short (5 foot 6), I have poor social skills. If I hear some twenty-something girl talking about how she was chatted up by some fella I automatically assume "He was young and had good social skills and I guarantee she could hear what he was saying.
Absolutely poisonous stuff, it drives me crazy. I think I should have got anti-depressants from the doc as I AM depressed, not just anxious.

Warfi · 10-01-2010 4:09pm

robbieq wrote: »

I only ever did that once and bottled it after a few minutes.
The funny thing is I got the feeling after that the girl was slightly disappointed.

That was me you doofus!!:eek:. Only joking, what I'm trying to say is that I've been in the position where I thought I got on great with someone, and for one reason or another it didn't work out. You're right, it is disappointing. And another thing, it shows you that women are human and have their insecurities too so there's no need to beat yourself up with the thought that you're not good enough. If you're a decent man, it'll show.

robbieq wrote: »

My face seemed to have expanded by 200 percent and my neck is the size of a tree trunk.
I didn't think it was possible to age that much in such a short time. The pic from six years ago was taken in summer time so I am not sure if it was such a good guide. I have one of myself from last summer and I look very young though.
This realisation seems to have kicked off a chain reaction of negative things in my head about me; I have a habit of speaking in low voice so people often have to ask me to repeat what I said. That bugs me enormously because it's just a habit I have, I can't help it. I try to remember to speak louder but I forget. I think it's because I am shy and I hate the sound of my voice (I think it sounds weird). I don't really want people to hear what I am saying.
I am quite short (5 foot 6), I have poor social skills. If I hear some twenty-something girl talking about how she was chatted up by some fella I automatically assume "He was young and had good social skills and I guarantee she could hear what he was saying.
Absolutely poisonous stuff, it drives me crazy. I think I should have got anti-depressants from the doc as I AM depressed, not just anxious.

You're in a dangerous place with these negative thoughts, it's driving your life at the moment. What would you do if you were physically in danger? You'd get yourself out fo the situation as quick as possible, you wouldn't sit there and contemplate everything. Decide that today is the last day you're going to listen to these thoughts. The thoughts will slip back in every now and again (doesn't mean you've failed), but stay focused on your goal of getting rid of these thoughts whatever happens.
If you think you don't look as good as you did five years ago, start doing exercise, look at your diet. Just doing exercise makes you feel great (takes a while to get into the swing of things though!)
Finally what things do you like to do? And I don't want a list of things you would do because you know you'd meet women by doing them. Just a list of things that YOU like to do. (If you're finding it hard to think of some, they're usually the things we put off because we have to work, get the shopping, do chores etc.)
If something's worth getting, it's worth fighting for. In the beginning you'll have to fight to get into the swing of things, after a while it'll come naturally to you and it won't feel like such a battle anymore.

Good luck

esmeralda · 10-01-2010 4:44pm

God that Guardian piece makes me feel even more old!

Sorry Robbieq:(, but I hope it also made you realise that just about everyone gets similar feelings about age (gradually or suddenly) at sometime or other and comes through it OK, just as you will!

LegacyUser · 10-01-2010 9:52pm

esmeralda wrote: »

Sorry Robbieq:(, but I hope it also made you realise that just about everyone gets similar feelings about age (gradually or suddenly) at sometime or other and comes through it OK, just as you will!

It's OK esmeralda, I know you didn't post it to make me feel bad. I have decided to try and stop thinking such negative s**t all the time and try and focus on the positives.
The past is the past, deal with it. I can only change the future. I can't change the way I look, I can only take solace from the fact I could look a lot worse. I can't keep regretting jobs I didn't get, relationships I didn't have, places I've never been, people I didn't get to know. On and on and on. It's pointless, draining on the mind, it drags me down and prevents me getting well again.
I am going to take inspiration form the lyrics of Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder: "you can spend your time alone, re-digesting past regrets, or you can come to terms and realise you're the only one who can forgive yourself".
OK, I could have pulled lots of birds when I was in my twenties, I could have travelled the world, been more confident, outgoing etc. But I'll never know. I was a muppet in my twenties anyway, that person was not remotely likeable.
I don't want to be posting on here in ten years time saying "jeez I wish I was 37 again, I would have done this, this and this.
I am now a mature 37-year old man. I am intelligent, kind and thoughtful. I am still young enough but only if I believe I am. If I think negatively then that will project itself outward and how can I expect anyone (male or female) to like me then?
I have experienced things now that I hadn't at 27 so that is an advantage I can use.
I have better conversational skills than I had when I was in my twenties.
I listen to the people in work that are aged 27-28 and they are quite immature in the way they act and talk.
Jesus, being 37 is nothing to be ashamed of, everyone will be that age sometime or has been in the past.
I just have to meet the right girl (well woman would be more suitable at this stage,heh).
I am going to continue to take my anti-anxiety pills (even though I hate it) or else I will only keep feeling the way I am now. It still makes me ashamed that I have to take them but I want to get better. I will keep going to the counsellor, even though I might decide to change to someone else. I am still skeptical but I recognize that this kind of behaviour is not rational (constantly thinking about my age, regrets over the past, looking at myself in the mirror to see if I look old etc.). I mean how many other right-thinking people are carrying on like that? Not many I'd wager. I need help and fast.
I am ill but I CAN get better.

LegacyUser · 10-01-2010 10:12pm

robbieq wrote: »

I am going to be 37 years old this year and I am in terrible state of depression over it. I have been told I don't look my age, that was OK when I was 30 or so as I was told I looked 21 or 22 but now I can't get away with it any longer.
I have been looking at myself in the mirror quite a lot and even taking pictures of myself (pathetic I know). It gets me down to know that I am no longer youthful-looking and considered a "young man".
People who know me tell me I look the same as I did ten years ago but I don't believe them.
I notice it in the things people say to me also, like "are you married?", "do you own your own house?" etc.
I suppose it's still possible to be attractive at 37 but I just don't think I look as good as before (I am not overweight but I have a slightly receding hairline).
I have become completely paranoid about people finding out my age, I would never admit it to people in work. Stupid I know but I work with people in their twenties so I don't want to feel out of place.
It's just that I was always used to being seen as the youngest and now that's no longer the case. Some days I look in the mirror and am shocked at how old I look and other days I think I look like quite good. I am not in any way vain btw, I don't work out or use skin cream or anything like that.
I think my face and neck have "filled out" a fair bit and my forehead looks massive.
I can't wait for the summer to come, that takes years off me as I have fair hair and skin.
Another thing is that I don't think I will ever get married. I have never had a girlfriend as I suffer from low self-esteem and depression quite a lot.
I didn't think it was fair to inflict myself on a girl anyway. What makes it worse is that I I haven't "lived" at all. I never went out much, never travelled much, never did anything interesting really.I just really regret that I hadn't sex with girls and got drunk every weekend in my twenties, went to Australia for a year, got married in my early thirties, all the usual stuff. Working with young people who have done all that and have it all ahead of them makes me feel even more useless.
Life has passed me by and I can't live it again. I feel it's too late now.
I spoke to a counsellor and she said I am comparing everything with an "ideal" scenario but I am not so sure. Life is what you make it and all that but I didn't and I just have to live with it.
The age thing is just part of it, I constantly think about the past and things I think I should have done. I am about to become made redundant in three months time so I feel old, worthless and well pointless really.
I am no longer attractive to girls in their mid to late-twenties, I chatted up a girl in work who is about 27 who I thought liked me (I didn't do anything out of the way) but she was not interested. She flirts with me and is really friendly but obviously thinks I am just a sad old man and would prefer someone her own age.
It just made me think "If I was 27 too I might have got her"
Th trouble is there are not too many single women in their mid to late thirties out there. I have no practise and no social life so I don't see a way out.
It's just like I've woken up one day and found out "S***, I'm 37 and single, what happened?"
It's my own fault, I accept that. Still hard to live with though. Everyone else in work my age is married with kids. I would just love to be in my late twenties again, I would make the most of my looks (which are now gone).

I think you are a young man 37 is not considered old for a man at all.
I'm in college and i think men in their thirties are very attractive
would never consider a man your age old. Join a new club or go back
to school you would be amazed at the number of mature students
in college. go abroad for a year and experience a new culture.
Don't worry about being inexperienced with women when you
meet the right one it will come naturally, i'm sure you
have more to offer than you realise. women in their mid thirties
are generally looking to settle down. i know many couples
who got married in their early forties, thinking positively
is most important, look ahead because as you say life is what you
make it!

sunnyside · 10-01-2010 10:23pm

robbieq wrote: »

I mean how many other right-thinking people are carrying on like that? Not many I'd wager..

Wrong, most people seem have to have issues about something or other. Just drop in here on a daily basis and you will see that loads of people are upset about something or other just as loads of people are on anti-depressants.

Things don't change overnight. What would you like to be able to post on here this time next year? Work that out and make achieving it your resolution for the year. You could be back here advising somebody else about their problems.

LegacyUser · 11-01-2010 12:28am

OP, first of all you are certainly NOT the only person in the world who feels like you feel. I'd say over half the people out there struggle with acceptance of getting older, if not most people in western society. We all want to live forever, be beautiful, rich, successful etc.
The actual reality for most people is that many of the things they wanted to do in life never happen. Some of these things just don't work out due to random luck and other things never happen because the person never really did enough to pursue them.

Well I am 23 and that is how I perceive the world thus far but perhaps I am way off. The thing I am trying to say is by doing as much as you can with your life, getting older gets much easier. I know I am still very young at 23 and perhaps I am not qualified to comment on your situation but when I turned 23 on my last Birthday I was very happy. I have done plenty of travelling in my life so far and have met amazing friends and have tonnes of great memories. So what is wrong with celebrating turning a new age? I look at it as an achievement.

I see it all the time where people moan and bitch about how life has 'passed them by' or 'they have not lived' etc. Life did not pass you by, you are still alive aren't you? This pessimistic attitude was probably the same thing that held you back from taking that trip around the world you never took, or taking a gamble with a career you might have preferred doing. I have friends my own age who have not done half the things I have done and they complain about how they would love to do this and that but can't. I always tell them that they can and should but some people are just naturally pessimistic about things and can never seem to push through with ideas.

One thing I do not want to be like when I am in my mid 30's is regretful that I didn't live through out my 20's. I don't care if I do not have money or am not married with a house etc as long as I can say that I am living my life and enjoying it. You should try and adopt this mind set too and stop moaning and get out there and do things! You are NOT old ok. This isn't about age, it is about you not being content with what you are doing and have done in your life so far. Change it!

extra-ordinary_ · 11-01-2010 3:14pm

esmeralda wrote: »

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/oct/12/charlie-brooker

'Great Inescapable Time Disaster' - brilliant:D

I'm having a lot of this crap going on in my own head lately and I'm the same - at 31, pining for when I was 26, and now at 40 looking back at when I was 31. This thinking is so damaging!

2010 is where it's at!!:)

If anything, that Guardian article is a celebration to growing old!! Woohoo!:D

LegacyUser · 11-01-2010 3:35pm

esmeralda wrote: »

If you'll excuse the UK context, I think we can all identify at least a bit with this opinion piece on this subject, which hopefully will also raise a smile...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/oct/12/charlie-brooker

The gist of it is:

"Age has been a lingering obsession of mine since I left my teens. However old I've been is too old. At 26, I felt totally washed up. At 32, I regretted wasting time worrying about my age as a 26-year-old, because now I was convinced I really was totally washed up. At 38, I look back at my 32-year-old self and regret that he wasted time with those regrets about wasted time. Then I regret wasting my current time regretting regrets about regrets. This is pretty sophisticated regretting I'm doing."

Heh, brilliant. Could've been written by myself. I think if I got fit it would make me look younger and also have a positive effect on my state of mind so I will start jogging again.
I have to stop obsessing though, I am determined to beat it.

BumbleB · 11-01-2010 4:30pm

robbieq wrote: »

Heh, brilliant. Could've been written by myself. I think if I got fit it would make me look younger and also have a positive effect on my state of mind so I will start jogging again.
I have to stop obsessing though, I am determined to beat it.

Everybody has regrets ,I have regrets , Go for it robbie ,get out of the past and into the now ,because now is where you make things happen

LegacyUser · 11-01-2010 4:54pm

robbieq wrote: »

I am going to be 37 years old this year and I am in terrible state of depression over it. I have been told I don't look my age, that was OK when I was 30 or so as I was told I looked 21 or 22 but now I can't get away with it any longer.
I have been looking at myself in the mirror quite a lot and even taking pictures of myself (pathetic I know). It gets me down to know that I am no longer youthful-looking and considered a "young man".
People who know me tell me I look the same as I did ten years ago but I don't believe them.
I notice it in the things people say to me also, like "are you married?", "do you own your own house?" etc.
I suppose it's still possible to be attractive at 37 but I just don't think I look as good as before (I am not overweight but I have a slightly receding hairline).
I have become completely paranoid about people finding out my age, I would never admit it to people in work. Stupid I know but I work with people in their twenties so I don't want to feel out of place.
It's just that I was always used to being seen as the youngest and now that's no longer the case. Some days I look in the mirror and am shocked at how old I look and other days I think I look like quite good. I am not in any way vain btw, I don't work out or use skin cream or anything like that.
I think my face and neck have "filled out" a fair bit and my forehead looks massive.
I can't wait for the summer to come, that takes years off me as I have fair hair and skin.
Another thing is that I don't think I will ever get married. I have never had a girlfriend as I suffer from low self-esteem and depression quite a lot.
I didn't think it was fair to inflict myself on a girl anyway. What makes it worse is that I I haven't "lived" at all. I never went out much, never travelled much, never did anything interesting really.I just really regret that I hadn't sex with girls and got drunk every weekend in my twenties, went to Australia for a year, got married in my early thirties, all the usual stuff. Working with young people who have done all that and have it all ahead of them makes me feel even more useless.
Life has passed me by and I can't live it again. I feel it's too late now.
I spoke to a counsellor and she said I am comparing everything with an "ideal" scenario but I am not so sure. Life is what you make it and all that but I didn't and I just have to live with it.
The age thing is just part of it, I constantly think about the past and things I think I should have done. I am about to become made redundant in three months time so I feel old, worthless and well pointless really.
I am no longer attractive to girls in their mid to late-twenties, I chatted up a girl in work who is about 27 who I thought liked me (I didn't do anything out of the way) but she was not interested. She flirts with me and is really friendly but obviously thinks I am just a sad old man and would prefer someone her own age.
It just made me think "If I was 27 too I might have got her"
Th trouble is there are not too many single women in their mid to late thirties out there. I have no practise and no social life so I don't see a way out.
It's just like I've woken up one day and found out "S***, I'm 37 and single, what happened?"
It's my own fault, I accept that. Still hard to live with though. Everyone else in work my age is married with kids. I would just love to be in my late twenties again, I would make the most of my looks (which are now gone).

Jesus, Robbie. I must be a complete loser without ever knowing it judging by all of the above "standards". Give yourself a break, son! I'll be 37 this April. I'm not married, I've no kids and I've no job. I'm also ridiculously unfit as well as an awful fatty. I drink too much and despite having no job or anything I owe @€;25,000. Oh, and I'm back in college with my growing head of grey hair with all the whippersnappers and getting myself further in debt. Oh yeah, and I live at home with Mammy and use public transport.

I'm in a relationship and it takes a hell of a lot of work; nothing like the romantic idealised picture you seem to have in your head. My girlfriend of 6 years plus loves me but when I asked her to marry me she said 'No' and that when I get my weight and finances sorted I should come back to her. Relationships are headwrecking for most guys, even when they love their girl. There is an absolute ****load of positives in being a free guy, and an equal amount of fear and envy among many guys for being single again and single guys. I loved being single as it was the greatest period of growth in my life. Being in a relationship does not allow for such individual development, something which you seem to be unaware of. It is hugely important that you realise the positives in your position. I think alot of the other posters are telling you this also.

Despite my personal kingship of loserdom as outlined I'm quite happy with my life because all of the real things I mentioned above are in my power to change and, furthermore, I am changing the two real things that need changing: career & health. I went back to college last September to improve my work prospects. I'm also finally working on my weight and have another 35kg to lose. I don't know myself with the new energy. In other words, I'm improving even though I'm still KingKong's little brother on the fat front. My health is infinitely more important than my looks. I can't comprehend why you are beating the bejaysas out of your poor self on the looks front. You are much better than that; we all are. There has to be more depth to you! Give yourself a break and don't waste time persecuting yourself over stuff you can't change like your age.

But the real difference between my situation, which is probably generally worse than your own, is that I am not comparing myself with anybody. It's my life and I can only control it. The success of anybody else in the world doesn't matter because it is only what I do which directly shapes my future. I don't know what anybody in my class in school is doing, nor do I really want to. It may sound bad but because I feel that I really need to sort out the above two major issues of my life, I have become much more inward-focused. When I "arrive" as I hope to in the next year or two, I think I will be more outward-focused but until then I'm keeping my head down and plodding away.

37 is young, as you'll see when you get to 47. Perspective, as other posters have told you, is really really *really* important here. Most of us should be living until about 90. Even me, the currently superunfit fatty, expects to live that long because I can change my lifestyle. So, chin up, and get to work on the things you can change and have the wisdom to know the difference between those things and the things you cannot change.

PS: I don't know about you but I find that women in their 30s are much more attractive than the generally insecure headwreckers which pass as women in their 20s. Their confidence is so sexy! There are huge pluses to being in your 30s. Long live life!

Obsessed with my age

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