Exs as "Friends"

troubleshooter

How acceptable is for new partners to have ex's in the background as "friends" ? I dated a women a few times, tonight she started telling me about various ex's who were still her friends, then telling me how guys found it hard to commit to her.Kept telling me about how she went out with her tai chi instructor for two years, how he could not commit, how they are still friends. Made me feel pissed off/insecure, we had been getting on really well. Followed my gut instinct told her she had issues and dumped her, she seemed suprised and upset.

How reasonable is it for new partners to have ex's in the background as "friends" ?

Depends on the person. Some people are friends with all their exes, some people never talk to any of them again. And it depends what is meant by 'friends' - is it someone you e-mail now and again and meet up for a coffee when they're in town, or someone you see every weekend?

AvaKinder

One of my exes is a very close friend, one I occasionally hang out with, and all the rest bar one I am on speaking terms with, would bump into/email the odd time.


Depends of the person/relationship.

TitoPuente

As has already been said, it depends on the person and the relationship. I'd always try to keep things amicable but sometimes you just can't. Say, if you're going out with someone and they do something really s**ty like cheat on you, treat you badly, etc. then what's the point in staying friends with them? But if it's a fairly healthy relationship and one of the people just isn't 'feeling the chemistry', even though you still get along really well, then there's no harm in remaining friends.

I would say though that 'being friends' right after breaking up is a very bad idea. Always good to give each other plenty of space for a while until you're both over it and have moved on with your lives.

jenga-jen

OP it seems a little strange that your date brought this up after going out with you a 'few times'!? Was she trying to get a reaction from you or was it more an early warning to let you know that these people are still in her life?

I've had nightmare exes with some previous boyfriends - including the 'cuddler', 'damsel in distress' types - but as long as they know that there are boundaries and that these boundaries change when one of them starts seeing someone new then it should be fine.

+1 to TitoPuente as well, I'm always more comfortable when there's been some time between the break up as well. Friends too soon can be awkward especially for you coming into the situation.

Everyone has a past and tbh if it's just a question of a few exes still lurking in the wings you're probably not doing too badly

troubleshooter

jenga-jen wrote: »

OP it seems a little strange that your date brought this up after going out with you a 'few times'!? Was she trying to get a reaction from you or was it more an early warning to let you know that these people are still in her life?

I've had nightmare exes with some previous boyfriends - including the 'cuddler', 'damsel in distress' types - but as long as they know that there are boundaries and that these boundaries change when one of them starts seeing someone new then it should be fine.

+1 to TitoPuente as well, I'm always more comfortable when there's been some time between the break up as well. Friends too soon can be awkward especially for you coming into the situation.

Everyone has a past and tbh if it's just a question of a few exes still lurking in the wings you're probably not doing too badly

Heres how it went. I met her in a bar a few weeks ago for the first time. We really connected, I elicited her core beliefs, mirrored her, gave her my full attention, really understood her, Lol, she was tactile, walked her to the station but she would not kiss, her body language was defensive, even when I gave her a hug.

From my experience women like that often have someone in the background, often a affair, and are emotionally needy, hence why they are often v tactile on first dates, but hold back on kissing etc, which is sexual.(note I am not talking about normal women on first dates, where it normal not to french kiss on first dates, but neither are those dates v tactile)

Next date I slept with her,for the first part of the date she was distant, then suddenly got v tactile/sexual, like she had been thinking about something, but suddenly throught I might as well go for it,3 days later we talked on the phone on the sunday, I said what are you doing, she said, going out walking with a male friend and for lunch....so I pressed the dump button.

About 2 weeks ago shes texts ,we start talking, she tells me she has feelings for me, we go out last night and she spends 40 minutes talking about her ex's and male friends, so I dump her again, this morning get a text talking about "our relationship". I liked her but Im done with games and want to meet someone who makes me feel alive but I can also trust. She was not a stupid girl, rather one who in the past had low self esteem, suddenly realises shes attractive and thinks she can now be a head wrecker.

I dont know if I am weak or if I am strong, but when someone I like comes across like that I find it a big sexual turn off, my liking for them just turns to resentment. Wish I could over ride that but I cant.

sam34

troubleshooter wrote: »

Next date I slept with her,for the first part of the date she was distant, then suddenly got v tactile/sexual, like she had been thinking about something, but suddenly throught I might as well go for it,3 days later we talked on the phone on the sunday, I said what are you doing, she said, going out walking with a male friend and for lunch....so I pressed the dump button.

so, you dump a woman 3 days after you shag her because she has the audacity to be going for a walk with a male friend? nice :rolleyes: would you rather she abandoned all her friends and became very clingy towards you?


it's perfectly possible to have an ex (or exes) as friend(s), and it is not indicative of immaturity, clinginess, or anything else.

in fact, i think it implies that those concerned have the maturity to get beyond what broke up their relationship assuming it was nothing horrendous) and salvage a good friendship.

in my case, i have 2 exes from longterm relationships.
i have zero contact with one of them, and in fact had reason to report him to the gardai after we broke up.

the other is one of my oldest and closest friends.

if any man who was new on the scene couldnt handle that ro got stroppy about it, he would find himself with his p45 pretty sharpish.

jenga-jen

troubleshooter wrote: »

Next date I slept with her

3 days later we talked on the phone on the sunday, I said what are you doing, she said, going out walking with a male friend and for lunch....so I pressed the dump button.

So just to clarify you slept with her, in spite of what would seem to be reservations about her emotional state, and then 'dumped' her when she was honest and told you that she was going for a walk with a male friend.

Firstly would you prefer that she lied or is your expectation of your future other half that she only have female friends? And secondly, if you have an issue with her using the term 'relationship' then you 'dumping' her seems a little strong.

troubleshooter wrote: »

About 2 weeks ago shes texts ,we start talking, she tells me she has feelings for me, we go out last night and she spends 40 minutes talking about her ex's and male friends, so I dump her again

IME, since most of my friends are male and while I might not spend quite as much time emphasising this fact on an early date, I have always made it very clear very early on with new guys that this is how it is. It avoids confusion and lets the guy know where he stands.

troubleshooter wrote: »

She was not a stupid girl, rather one who in the past had low self esteem, suddenly realises shes attractive and thinks she can now be a head wrecker

Obviously I don't know this girl but it seems a bit of a leap to assume that her behaviour is purely as some sort of ego boost. If she has all these male friends hanging around it seems unnecessary to go to all the trouble to see you just for the attention. More than likely she really likes you but can I ask if the feelings are mutual?

troubleshooter

jenga-jen wrote: »

So just to clarify you slept with her, in spite of what would seem to be reservations about her emotional state, and then 'dumped' her when she was honest and told you that she was going for a walk with a male friend.

Firstly would you prefer that she lied or is your expectation of your future other half that she only have female friends? And secondly, if you have an issue with her using the term 'relationship' then you 'dumping' her seems a little strong.



IME, since most of my friends are male and while I might not spend quite as much time emphasising this fact on an early date, I have always made it very clear very early on with new guys that this is how it is. It avoids confusion and lets the guy know where he stands.



Obviously I don't know this girl but it seems a bit of a leap to assume that her behaviour is purely as some sort of ego boost. If she has all these male friends hanging around it seems unnecessary to go to all the trouble to see you just for the attention. More than likely she really likes you but can I ask if the feelings are mutual?

Listen my friend, in the last 2 years I have dated around 130 women, I know a wrongun when I see one.

Silverfish

troubleshooter wrote: »

Listen my friend, in the last 2 years I have dated around 130 women, I know a wrongun when I see one.

Okay, so what advice are you looking for exactly? Help us to advise you

Kicks

What a wonderful world I think people would live in if when a couple breaks up like this they could have access to each other's thoughts and reason behind it...because your reasons are ridiculous and it's a shame she can't know why because she'd run a mile.

This girl was lucky you broke up with her, you're description of eliciting core beliefs, mirroring etc. you sound like a robot following the "correct procedures" or something when dating.

Girls go through a lot of sh1t with guys when dating - as this girl now has with you, you slept with her then broke it off...you think next date she won't seem a bit defensive if she finds she's getting on with her date? maybe she'll expect another person like you . She seemed to have defensive body language? So what!? You sound like you analyse everything, maybe you were just over analysing the situation, maybe YOUR approach to kiss/hug seemed awkward...maybe it was all you.

You're descriptions of "normal" women and how the date goes, write a book about it, you seem so sure of the process of dating so many others could do with some advice from how to make sure their date is "normal" - personally I think you know nothing about women if this is how you judge them on their tactile approach, no-one is the same, so every woman who acts like that are having an affair? Sorry bud but it's just not that cut and dry.

You went on a couple of dates, she meets a male for a walk and lunch so you dump her, you sound pretty secure and confident in yourself, maybe your lumping all this "affair, something going on" stuff as a reason for you to bail on it all because you're intimidated by her confidence and these other males.

My GF told me at the start that even before coming over to me a couple of time she was talking on the phone to an ex for over an hour chatting - she said she just finds she gets on with him and can have a laugh but there's nothing there...it was early days so I said fine and after a couple of years now it died down, actually after about 3 months it died down because we got serious about each other naturally and it wasn't a forced march. Maybe she was just trying to think that she should let you know everything about any contact she has with males so you can understand what situations she'll be in instead of hiding it all from you, so much for honesty - and you describe it as "games".

A couple of dates and you're stating you want someone you can trust - you'll never know this after a couple of dates...if you're bailing from a relationship for her knowing some males then you're going to be alone for your life mate unless you find a hermit or something. You want such a wonderful relationship? You sleep with her then dump her a couple of days later, that's romance alright.

How exactly is this girl a head wrecker? Could you elaborate on this because I'm not seeing it. You're liking of them turns to resentment? Did you actually mean resentment? How do you resent someone for having low self-esteem and then getting some confidence about themselves? Again if she's a headwrecker you'll need to elaborate on that because unless you've got a better description you're being very unreasonable and I think this girl was lucky you didn't pursue a relationship with her.

Edit
I did my best not to say you sound like a pompous male who thinks he's above it all but you now "sound like a pompous male who thinks he's above it all" because of your dating of so many women comment- you here to build up your own ego bud? - if you're so proud of your dating power and if you've dated so many why are you hear then caring so much about this one?

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think discretion is required. If I started going out with a someone I don't think it would be neccesary to mention I still get on well with my ex and meet up with her now and then.

jenga-jen

troubleshooter wrote: »

Listen my friend, in the last 2 years I have dated around 130 women, I know a wrongun when I see one.

Well you asked for opinions on exes as friends and you've gotten mine.

I even went so far as to suggest it was a little strange that your date had elaborated to such an extent on her male friends at such an early stage, albeit until you expanded with details of the situation.

However, your attitude with regard to your dating experience leaves me wondering what exact advice you're looking for? Perhaps if you clarify what the issue is I can appropriately redirect my responses to your liking?

And while I have provided feedback to your issue above, I'd appreciate if you left out the seemingly sarcastic 'friend' remarks given that my above posts were given in good faith.

Best of luck in your future endeavours

Wibbs

Silverfish wrote: »

Okay, so what advice are you looking for exactly? Help us to advise you

+1 You have started similar threads before and they usually go like this; Met a woman - somethings wrong with her - followed by people offering advice - followed by you all too often castigating them for same - followed by you pointing out how great you are with the ladies as far as dates/sex is concerned. The PUA jargon kinda confirms it. So again what are you seeking from this? Actual advice/debate or ego massaging?

troubleshooter

Silverfish wrote: »

Okay, so what advice are you looking for exactly? Help us to advise you

Therapy , posting on here is cathartic, and although some of my threads may annoy some, for me they are cathartic help me get a better view of things. I do listen to posters responses, but, some are pretty hostile even prejudiced, some are helpful.

I have a big hole in my soul, sometimes I feel like the lonliest person in the world, my beautiful soulmate died at 33, thats difficult to live with.

I wake up in the night, I turn over and realise the bad dream I just had was real.

The many dates, well I worked hard to get many of those, via being out and about, the net, speedating etc, instead of hostility over me doing my best and really trying with dates, they should consider why me dating lots, makes them feel hostile to me. PUA/NLP stuff is just about better communication thats all.

Out of all those dates the two I really liked,(not the girl above) and who I really fell for, both turned out to be liars and players. That was a big lesson/learning curve.

LegacyUser

OP, fistly sorry for your loss....

Not all women are bad. I am still in touch from time to time with some of my ex' and would not in a million years cheat on my OH with either of them.

Because you are retaining strong feelings for your loved one who passed away i.e. your ex (sorry for calling her an ex but effectively she is...) , do you assume that those girls also retain feelings for their ex's.. People can move on from relationships that ended, stay friends with the ex and not have feelings with them.

Try to trust....

booksale

you are looking for love but you can't find any, OP, because of the big hole inside you.

you can put a lot of effort to date, to seduce... women, but well, you can't find what you mostly want there.

you better stay away from women for a little while and figure yourself out, for yourself and for the women.

when you are able to love, then you will find another beautiful woman who will be your soulmate again.

otherwise, what you are doing now would all be in vain.

take care.

jenga-jen

troubleshooter wrote: »

Therapy , posting on here is cathartic, and although some of my threads may annoy some, for me they are cathartic help me get a better view of things. I do listen to posters responses, but, some are pretty hostile even prejudiced, some are helpful.

I have a big hole in my soul, sometimes I feel like the lonliest person in the world, my beautiful soulmate died at 33, thats difficult to live with.

I wake up in the night, I turn over and realise the bad dream I just had was real.

The many dates, well I worked hard to get many of those, via being out and about, the net, speedating etc, instead of hostility over me doing my best and really trying with dates, they should consider why me dating lots, makes them feel hostile to me. PUA/NLP stuff is just about better communication thats all.

Out of all those dates the two I really liked,(not the girl above) and who I really fell for, both turned out to be liars and players. That was a big lesson/learning curve.

OP I was very truly sorry to hear about your loss. Knowing someone who went through a similar situation I can imagine how difficult getting back out there must have been for you.

Perhaps though, as booksale suggested, you need some time to yourself first? Whether it be to heal as suggested or even just to figure out what you really want.

130 women in 2 years seems like a very high number (even allowing for some possible exaggeration). It'd seem like you're running through a lot of women in a very short space of time, quantity over quality maybe?

You've obviously had bad luck with the two women you fell for since as well. Maybe it's time to give yourself a bit of a break and stop putting, what would seem to be, so much pressure on yourself to find someone?!

troubleshooter

adeinn wrote: »

OP, fistly sorry for your loss....

Not all women are bad. I am still in touch from time to time with some of my ex' and would not in a million years cheat on my OH with either of them.

Because you are retaining strong feelings for your loved one who passed away i.e. your ex (sorry for calling her an ex but effectively she is...) , do you assume that those girls also retain feelings for their ex's.. People can move on from relationships that ended, stay friends with the ex and not have feelings with them.

Try to trust....

Still its not all bad, not gonna buy a rope just yet, got this on POF this morning as a message
Shes a lawyer and attractive.

..... I am looking ideally for a masculine, strong, handsome, clever and successful man, who knows what he wants and can cherish the woman in his life without putting her on a pedestal. He must be assertive. I believe in a traditional relationship and am submissive, I need some kind of a power exchange relationship. This is etched into my DNA. Non-negotiable.