Need honest advice

LegacyUser

My life is a mess working in a job I hate with people I hate.

In 09 I decided to change my life around for the better. Due to loans I couldn't give up work but I started studying part time which is keeping me sane.

There were people in my life that were getting me down. I assessed all the relationships in my life and I decided to contact with 4 people, 2 of them siblings, because I know I'm worth more than the parasites that were getting me down. I refuse to even acknowledge those people now and I am happy with my decision because frankly I don't care if I ever see or speak to them again.

Today my mother sat me down, blamed me for the bad atmosphere in the house during the christmas, and said that its not right to cut so much people out from my life in such a short period of time and that nothing can be so bad that it can't be resolved by talking. She told me that she wants me to go to my doctor and seek help and that If I don't she will and she said that if that happens she doesn't want to have anything more to do with me again. She said that I have only cut contact with them, to upset them and to make me feel better about inflicting pain and hurt on others because Im miserable in life. Which is not true. I have my reasons which are valid in my opinion. I explained my reasons so her but she can't understand it. To be honest now I am furious at her because she cannot see where I am coming from. It also seems that she is favouring the others.

What do you think I should do.

Nervous Wreck

Be civil at family occasions and fake it for your mother. Put all your crap with those siblings to the side when your mother is on-scene. She loved and raised you all and no matter how valid/invalid your reasons for cutting contact with your siblings, putting your mother in the middle and having her get depressed over it is a terribly selfish thing to do. Cut off your siblings if you want; that's up to you. But fake it for your mom.

Rebelheart

crazzzzy? wrote: »

My life is a mess working in a job I hate with people I hate.

In 09 I decided to change my life around for the better. Due to loans I couldn't give up work but I started studying part time which is keeping me sane.

There were people in my life that were getting me down. I assessed all the relationships in my life and I decided to contact with 4 people, 2 of them siblings, because I know I'm worth more than the parasites that were getting me down. I refuse to even acknowledge those people now and I am happy with my decision because frankly I don't care if I ever see or speak to them again.

Today my mother sat me down, blamed me for the bad atmosphere in the house during the christmas, and said that its not right to cut so much people out from my life in such a short period of time and that nothing can be so bad that it can't be resolved by talking. She told me that she wants me to go to my doctor and seek help and that If I don't she will and she said that if that happens she doesn't want to have anything more to do with me again. She said that I have only cut contact with them, to upset them and to make me feel better about inflicting pain and hurt on others because Im miserable in life. Which is not true. I have my reasons which are valid in my opinion. I explained my reasons so her but she can't understand it. To be honest now I am furious at her because she cannot see where I am coming from. It also seems that she is favouring the others.

What do you think I should do.

You'll be fine. It's a passing phase most likely. It's normal to cut yourself off from people, find yourself and then, at your own pace, develop those relationships again. Your first loyalty is to yourself and to get yourself stronger when you'll be in a better position for more sociable activity.

But do be civil and even try to be nice. Just keep your distance until you've become stronger again. Relationships are always changing and your Mam seems to be a bit immature in not accepting this.

Anti

I did the exact same thing as you recently op, and it's the best thing i ever did for my own sanity. Although i did cut out the dead waste from my family years ago, they were understadably upset about this, but i found just point blank ignoring them worked well. Haven't looked back, and the longer im away and out of contact the better the idea gets.

As for your mother, its none of her business who you keep in contact with and who you don't. She has no right to force you into keeping contact with them under the threat of breaking contact with you. Your have your reasons for doing it, your mother is resorting to schoolground (if you dont share with me i wont share with you) tactics.

At the end of the day, its your life, your decissions.

Lizzykins

Anti wrote: »

I did the exact same thing as you recently op, and it's the best thing i ever did for my own sanity. Although i did cut out the dead waste from my family years ago, they were understadably upset about this, but i found just point blank ignoring them worked well. Haven't looked back, and the longer im away and out of contact the better the idea gets.

As for your mother, its none of her business who you keep in contact with and who you don't. She has no right to force you into keeping contact with them under the threat of breaking contact with you. Your have your reasons for doing it, your mother is resorting to schoolground (if you dont share with me i wont share with you) tactics.

At the end of the day, its your life, your decissions.

Agree very much with this. Life is far too short to put up with people who are a threat to your mental well being. I have done the same with a few people in the past and I'm very much the better for it.

miss no stars

Going only on what you've posted here (which isn't much) I'd suggest that your mother has it right. You need to see your doctor. From what you've said you sound fairly depressed and your reaction to your siblings seems a little juvenille by refusing to even acknowledge them. I mean crikey, if you were in the house with them at christmas with that attitude then YES you obviously would have been the cause of a bad atmosphere.

See your doctor who can refer you to a councillor and you can talk it all through and work things out there with someone impartial who knows the facts and will help you see more mature and reasonable options.

Sick_Dude

Faking it will work in the long run you will get used to smiling at people you despise.

Anti

Do you really think that, after what the OP has said ?

The OP breaking contact with people he has no need for.. Thats quailfy's him/her for needing to see the doctor? I'm not trying to start an arguement, but what makes you think he needs medicial/profesional help for doing what he has ?

IMHO the OP has done what he/she needs to do.

I;m in the same mindset as the OP, WHY keep contact with people you think are bringing you down, or people you have no interest in? It seems kind of pointless to me. Loose the excess baggage and move on. At the end of the day, you can choose your friends, and the problem is your stuck with family. If you dont get on with them why bother with the false pretense...

miss no stars wrote: »

Going only on what you've posted here (which isn't much) I'd suggest that your mother has it right. You need to see your doctor. From what you've said you sound fairly depressed and your reaction to your siblings seems a little juvenille by refusing to even acknowledge them. I mean crikey, if you were in the house with them at christmas with that attitude then YES you obviously would have been the cause of a bad atmosphere.

See your doctor who can refer you to a councillor and you can talk it all through and work things out there with someone impartial who knows the facts and will help you see more mature and reasonable options.

Kell

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

Be civil at family occasions and fake it for your mother. Put all your crap with those siblings to the side when your mother is on-scene. She loved and raised you all and no matter how valid/invalid your reasons for cutting contact with your siblings, putting your mother in the middle and having her get depressed over it is a terribly selfish thing to do. Cut off your siblings if you want; that's up to you. But fake it for your mom.

What do I think you should do? Ignore everything this person has to say.

The only thing that is really relevant or important to your life is you and if your mum cant see that then she is batting for the other team. Mums have the power and capacity to either feed you with real growing up fodder or break you.

Stand on your own feet and decide what you want in the face of whatever adversity comes your way. Its not always the easiest path to follow, it mightnt ever make you feel fulfilled, but at least you know you lied to no one- especially not yourself.

K-

Hermione*

At the end of the day, nobody lives your life but you and nobody knows how you feel but you. You have to do what feels right for you! As a wise woman once said,
“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.” You are the only person that will be with you all your life and that's the relationship to focus on. When others fail you, you'll always have yourself. I cut people from my life that weren't enhancing it. Do I miss them? Not in the slightest. I'd rather be happy by myself than waste my time with bad friendships.

Firetrap

It might be worth looking at the bigger picture for a minute. Breaking contact with close family members can be easier said than done. You'll end up having to see them and deal with them more than you'd care to. It's far easier to cut out friends and acquantances.

I'm curious - were ye all in the house together over Christmas? How did you behave towards the siblings you want to shut out? Blank them? Walk out of the room when they came in? There are subtle and unsubtle ways of cutting people off.

Regardless of what you think of the others, your mum is still their mother too. No doubt she wants everyone to get on together and not leave her caught in the middle. Your course of action has the potential to make things very very awkward for your mother and for the siblings that you are still staying in touch with.

I'm not sure what you should do really. The only thing I would suggest is that you don't completely alienate the siblings you dislike. Don't hang around with them but be perfectly polite and move on should you encounter them.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

It might be worth looking at the bigger picture for a minute. Breaking contact with close family members can be easier said than done. You'll end up having to see them and deal with them more than you'd care to. It's far easier to cut out friends and acquantances.

I don't care if blood is thicker than water, so to speak.

The two siblings are down right rude towards me. I stopped talking to one because he is forever going out at weekends and getting drunk. I stopped talking to him when he came home drunk and vomited in my shoes. He apologisied but I did not accept it because I know he wasn't really sorry. He never paid me to replace my shoes either. The other one is a moody, bossy, trampy tart. I just don't like the way it behaves.

I refuse to even acknowlege them. I wouldn't even say hello to them if I as to meet them on the street. They have tried to engage in conversation with me a few times since I have started to ignore them and I just ignore them. I have a car and even though the weather is bad, and sometimes I would be going their way I refuse to give them a lift. I'm not a taxi. And to be honest, after their behaviour and their rudeness I actually enjoy seeing them battling against the elements.

LegacyUser

Op, Im guessing you are young.

Your thinking is very black and white. The siblings have been demonised by you for fairly trivial and frankly very average failings.

You are very self involved and seem to see someone drunkenly vomiting in your shoes as justification for cutting that sibling off for life.

Its difficult to understand when your brain is young and unformed. Its not actually evolved enough to realise that you aren't the centre of the universe and petty revenge and diva strops seem perfectly justifiable at the oment. But later in life you will cringe at the melodramticness of your overreaction.

The thing about showing zero tolerance to others is its easy to serve out but not so easy to be on the receiving end of. In other words yes you can give it but can you take it?

Are you perfect yourself?

Evidently not. You soured the whole family atmosphere at Xmas and didn't care who else was affected. Thats childish behaviour. Its your Mams house. Show a bit of respect.

You need to learn to suck it up a little bit. You are too proud and rigid. Stop brooding over your own petty grudges. Its your siblings business how they live their lives. Acting like a temper tantrum throwing toddler wont make your life any easier.

You need to grow up and realise this world is not all about you.

LegacyUser

The OP seems like your typical self centred bore. Grow up OP. So what, your brother got drunk and got sick on your shoes. Your sister dresses like a tart. God forbid you ever know poverty if this is the height of your personal problems.

Firetrap

From what you've written OP, you do sound like a very angry and bitter person. You do need to see the bigger picture - your behaviour has the potential to cause a lot of problems with family members that you do like. You are putting your mother in a very awkward position. What's she to do next time there's a family gathering? Uninvite two of her kids because you've decided to cut them out of your life? I've come to realise in my life that making enemies of people needlessly really can come back to bite you. And that's with people that aren't even relatives. It's far better to be pragmatic and subtly phase them out without drawing attention to it. From what you've written, you went at it with jackboots.

Ickle Magoo

Other than puking in your shoes and choosing to dress a way that you disapprove of, what have the siblings done - like what was their absolute worst crime?

I think your mother is right, if you are cutting siblings out of your life and yet still having a Christmas at her house with the rest of her children then of course you are causing an atmosphere.

I'm all for changing direction in life and cutting out the dead wood but a member of my family would have to be guilty of doing something quite substantially damaging towards me to merit me cutting them out my life - and that should mean staying well clear of them, not expecting all family occasions to have to centre around your giving them the silent treatment.

LegacyUser

Op, first off, blanking people is a cry for their attention, because its a very dramatic gesture.

If you were really 'over' these people you would quietly and politely withdraw without making a song and dance about it.

Secondly, I wanna talk from personal experience. I withdrew from my family when I was about nineteen or twenty as I had issues with some of their behaviour and didn't believe we had anything in common.

In now mid-30s and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I wish me and them could have gone through our 20s as buddies and grown together and stayed close. Now I realise that we have all grown into quite nice people who still love each other from a distance - and I also realise that they always were nice people, we were just a load of teenagers in a tiny house having rows, without strong parenting. We won't get those years back and I especially wish I'd offered guidance and friendship to one sibling in particular - the one I had most issues with, but who I also love deepest. Now that person in around my age and I can see clearly how this person has missed out on a lot and I feel very bad about it. My withdrawal also weakened the family unit and make it 'easier' for another sibling to disappear (never visit etc.) ... I weakened my family more than I knew.

Maybe next time just give them the lift, these things don't go unnoticed and relationships improve as you get older - if you give them a chance to. Please give it a go.

miss no stars

Only just spotted this

Anti wrote: »

Do you really think that, after what the OP has said ?

The OP breaking contact with people he has no need for.. Thats quailfy's him/her for needing to see the doctor? I'm not trying to start an arguement, but what makes you think he needs medicial/profesional help for doing what he has ?

IMHO the OP has done what he/she needs to do.

I;m in the same mindset as the OP, WHY keep contact with people you think are bringing you down, or people you have no interest in? It seems kind of pointless to me. Loose the excess baggage and move on. At the end of the day, you can choose your friends, and the problem is your stuck with family. If you dont get on with them why bother with the false pretense...

I think the OP needs to see a doctor because the OP seems depressed and honestly, rash and dramatic decisions like blanking family completely are illogical and not the sign of good mental health. It actually sounds a bit like my mother (who suffers from depression) who is busy cutting people out of her life at the moment (albeit some of them are justified, but others are family quarrels that she has completely blown out of proportion - as someone with good mental health, I can see this but she can't and this is reminding me far too much of that scenario, hence, the OP should see his/her doc, just like their mum said to)

As others have said, the OP could also do with growing up and learning to deal with problems like a mature adult - not a 4 year old having a strop.

The OP really hurt their mother at christmas. Siblings will always squabble, but the OP was the real offender at christmas because no matter how rowdy and drunk the others get, the OP is the one that set out with malicious intentions.