Biblical Satire, A Doubting Thomas; opinions appreciated!

Eliot Rosewater

Ive never submitted here before. This a biblical satire and probably blasphemous, so you've been forewarned that that his may be insulting. Im actually not a big Atheist, Im really an agnostic. Ive nothing against the Bible, I just got a few ideas for satirizing it. Its meant to be a little fun.

I dont write much; this is my first completeish story. Sorry if my posting of it is self-indulgent. All criticism is very welcome; please be honest with me! Enough prelude...

A Doubting Thomas
or
How the Gospel of Saint John was published

The publishing house of Thomas and Sons stood at a street corner in central Jerusalem. This, the Holy City (of Religion and Irony), was cast in the year 59AD amidst a short era of quiet that was slouching towards its end. The time would soon come for it to be besieged, burned, bombed, divided, partitioned and spat upon in every other way known to the war machines of men.

Thomas and Sons had been inaugurated in the year marking the beginning of our calender, but that, of course, is merely an observation in retrospect. The year – 1 AD – had not as yet gained the attention of the religiously advantageous. Only later would they realize the enormous political potential it bore, and thus set it as a kind of start of time; a successful attempt to elevate the history of that year to something more mythic.

Of a day, 59 AD, John (later The Evangelist) entered the foyer of the publishing house of Thomas and Sons. He asked that his appointment with the chief editor and lead proprietor of the House, Thomas, be obliged. Certainly it would. He waited.

Some moments elapsed before John gained admittance to the chief editors office. Upon seeing him enter, the editor rose from his seat behind his crowded desk.

“John John, oh yes. Come in. ” The editor beckoned John to a seat in front of the desk. “Is is mister John, or father John, may I ask?” Saint John really, but once again in retrospect. Not to suggest that John wasn't thinking of sainthood, mind.

“John, just John will do. Have you evaluated my manuscript?” John was straight to the point. Most people who aspire to be saints are. Actual saints, less so.

“ 'The Gospel According To John' was the title of the work I believe.” said the editor “I have it right here I think.” He embarked upon a small excursion about the office that eventually culminated in his finding of the manuscript amongst a stack of other equally holy-sounding works. He brushed dust off of the front of it as he sat down muttering, in his editorial way, “yes, yes, yes.”

“Did you find the work pleasing?” John was anxious; anxious to be a saint.

“It certainly has some literary value. In particular the part concerning Doubting Thomas,”

“That would be chapter 20, passages 24 to 29, editor. It is absolutely essential to know the exact location of the sentences by heart.”

“I suppose so” the editor replied. “But as regards the concept of Doubting Thomas: truly innovative I must say. An exceptional literary device really. Enables one to dismiss entirely all those who don't believe in what you believe, without even having to consider their view for a single moment. Just label them a doubting Thomas. Fascinatingly original.”

John smiled, although it wasn't an original concept of his. It had been bought from Judas Iscariat for thirty pieces of silver. The investment had only come to full fruition after Judas' rather timely suicide had returned the silver to its original owner.

“So I understand you will publish it Thomas?” said John.

“Well that's quite a separate issue, unfortunately.” began Thomas. “You see John, its not really what the people want. They seem to be quite happy with the current rake of Gods, Roman though they be. The Roman Gods elicit excitement you see. Jupiter is a true father figure, a beacon of Wisdom. Apollo, a heroic and brave role model for the young. And the inter God relations: sex, incest and rape. That's what the masses really want to worship! Your religion, you call it?”

“Christianity”

“Yes, indeed. Your Christianity is well and good but it just doesn't inspire the kind of confidence people desire. Take for instance, the whole Virgin Mary debacle. If you publish that the people just wont believe it! Why would a women bother having a child if not for the sex? Its the only reason girls have them these days, as far as I can see.”

“And mores the pity” said John. He was disappointed with Thomas' attitude, but not altogether angry. The editor struck him as a biblical character – grey beard and wrinkly skin. There certainly was potential for his starring in the Gospel of John film adaptation. Perhaps as God himself. “You see Thomas, my work is the solution to all these societal woes you speak of. The people are really looking for guidance. These promiscuous scenarios are simply the populace crying out to be loved. My Gospel offers just that. And what's more, it does it in a nicely vague manner, perfect for general readership. One doesn't even have to change ones views to ascribe to it: its so ambiguous it can accommodate any viewpoint.”

Thomas pondered this for a moment. “To be honest John, I still feel some... “ Thomas stopped instantly, realizing a moment too late his mistake. He looked up at John, who was staring back coldly. Saint like. Determined.

“Doubt, perhaps?” asked John.

“Well you know John, I...”

“A doubting Thomas. How convenient. Certainly an analogy can be drawn between you and your namesake in my Gospel.”

“I don't think that's true.”

“Do you doubt it, Thomas?” he sternly retorted. “Do you? Thematics is a technique at the heart of my work, so that we can apply its morals it to all situations in life, such as this. You are exhibiting the exact same doubt that Thomas felt towards Jesus. And how wrong he was proved! Even you credited the passage positively.“

“I didn't credit the complete...”

“Doubting your own thoughts now, Thomas?”

Silence fell on the office. The sweat forming on Thomas' brow began to trickle onto the manuscript below. The patter patter patter was all that filled the quiet.

“Fine then, we will print it” said Thomas. “Three hundred copies initially”

“We need three hundred thousand”

“Excuse me? This is absolute madness. I don't even have the capacity to print that in under 15 years!”

“15 years it will have to be, Thomas, unless you want your legacy to be that of a doubter. You must try and grasp the profundity of the work. Its going to be a popular religion, but not in our lifetime.” Like all good saints-to-be, he could see epochs into the future.



John emerged onto the street holding the contract to publish three hundred thousand gospels over a 15 year period, commencing the day after. Local farmers would be told that night to abandon the growing of crops and to begin the setting of tree plantations for the making of paper (a printing technique newly imported from China). Obliging to the wisdom of the religion, the farmers razed their crops and planted the seeds of wisdom. So began, in the year 59 AD, the great famine of the Holy City (of Religion and Irony) that would last for 15 years.

pickarooney

If I read this, am I subject to a 25,000 euro fine?

pickarooney

It's very well written, I have to say; most impressive.
There are a couple of glaring anachronisms which, although they're obviously intentional, kind of clash (e.g. film rights for a book when paper has just been invented)

Eliot Rosewater

Cheers for the feedback (I know its kind of long)

The film thing is glaring indeed. Perhaps if I said the "stage adaptation" instead it would be more fitting.

Denerick

I emailed you my thoughts. As I said in that, I think the satire is clever without appearing preachy.