What can I do?

LegacyUser

When I was younger I was content with where I was and what I was doing with my life. I had a large circle of friends and was happy in my home. I had a job that paid well and gave me the opportunity to travel but not much in the way of mental challenge.

I had my dark moments but mostly I was happy. In the last few years all that has changed. I now find myself desperate to get out of this place and away from what I know. I've slowly drifted away from my friends and now find that I share little if nothing in common with them. They are decent people but our interests are no longer the same. They seem to want nothing more out of life than to get drunk and take drugs and a conversation with them usually involves how pissed/high they were, or are going to be.

I look around at the people who have spent their lives here and although they seem happy with it, the idea of staying for good terrifies me. I am very ambitious and I find myself obsessing on what my life would be like somewhere else, both personally and professionally. My sisters have long since left and made lives for themselves abroad and I would be right behind them if it wasn't for my mother.

My father died when I was 19 leaving my mother a widow in her early 50's. She was never the type of person to just sit around and she has been very active since. She travelled and had plenty of hobbies. But she is getting old and its beginning to have an effect. She is not as physically fit as she was and in particular I can see her mental abilities beginning to slip.

Her extended family all live here and their children haven't ventured that far either. They will all be close to home to look after their parents as they get older and the expectation is that I will do the same. As her only son I feel obliged to look after her in her old age. She has been an amazing parent and made huge sacrifices for the sake of her family.

But I am, and will always be, miserable if I stay here. I dont share the same interests or outlook as anyone I see around me and I will never find what I need to be happy and content.

I suppose Im looking for an outside perspective, maybe someone has been in a similar position and found a solution that worked for them.

How do people who leave for a life somewhere else feel? Is there guilt? do you think about a parent growing older on their own, the loneliness, of not having close family around to help them in the last part of their life.

Maybe I wouldn't think this way if I was in a job that was intellectually challenging, in a relationship with someone I thought was worth investing in and a circle of friends with the same interests and outlook on life.

All I know is that right now I am completely miserable where I am and that I would have ended it along time ago if It wasnt for the knowledge of what it would do to my family if I did.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Would your mother want you around to look after her if she knew that staying was giving you suicidal thoughts? I very much doubt it. She brought you into the world to be the best and happiest that you can, that's why she made sacrifices. Has she ever asked you to stay around? I really think you need to talk to your mother because if you don't and you wait around in a life you don't like she'll be pretty pissed at you when she realises what you've done. You can't sacrifice your life and hopes and dreams for her, nor should you! Older people aren't babies and they shouldn't be treated as such. Have the respect for you mother to address this situation like an adult! Sit her down and tell her that you'd love to travel etc but that you worry about her being alone. It's 2010, there are loads of ways to get around this, buy her a laptop and teach her how to email and use skipe, I know older people can sometimes find technology intimidating but they really only need someone to show them step by step and then they'll be well able.

Honestly OP you need to cop on, you can't piss your life away on what you think you "should" do. Who cares if you're a dutiful son if you're miserable and suicidal, I very much doubt your mother would want you to pay that price for her.

Talk to her.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Internet and skype is no replacement for the warmth of real human interaction. What a cold, emotionless response. Do you really think your elderly mother will get warmth from a cold laptop screen? Do you really think she is bothered to learn that?

I am in kind of the same situation as you. I have no real advice either way, as I am pondering the very same question. But you have to live with the consequences either way. I think your family bond means a lot, and if you break that, no matter how successful you are elsewhere, that elephant in your heart might haunt you. Perhaps you need to compromise yourself for a few years, you will still have years of life ahead hopefully after your mother passes on. That is where I think my heart lies, but I am not sure.

gwjones42

I think it's cool that you have realised your friends aren't the right type of people for you.............Many people spend years with a group of the same people just because they grew up/ went to school with them......and never really experience the personal satisfaction that comes with finding a group of friends who make you feel like you belong.

Take this as a positive for yourself that you were able to spot the problem and then fix it. Ditch the "friends" and be pro-active in doing the things you enjoy. As you enjoy yourself more, new friendships will grow naturally...(Hopefully!!).

With the friend issue sorted, you might then be able to tackle some of the other issues you mentioned....but from a positive perspective!

Best wishes!

G