facebook and break ups

LegacyUser

ok so you and your other half are now ex's.
Your still friends... well on speaking terms - and still on each others face book?

but how does this impinge on recovery from break up?

LegacyUser

Honestly, having been in the same situation suggesting a clean break for a while is the only way forward.

When you're still friends on facebook the temptation can be too great to peep at their page. Even if you don't look, the newsfeed on your homepage will keep you updated on their activities even if you dont want to know ( Well you can hide them from the newsfeed).

Theres no stopping them from seeing what you've been up to.

Believe me theres all kinds of heartbreak waiting for you if you stay friends on facebook i.e photos of them hugging someone else - random other people, changing their relationship status etc

Even if the break was your idea, having a clean break would be easier on the other person too.

The point is right now you should be focusing on you. The easiest way to do this is to have a clean break. Being friends on facebook or elsewhere rarely works, less so straight after the break up. Give yourself time to heal first, when you feel like you're over them then see if you would like to be friends with them.

LegacyUser

facebuck wrote: »

ok so you and your other half are now ex's.
Your still friends... well on speaking terms - and still on each others face book?

but how does this impinge on recovery from break up?

it really depends how strong the connection was in the relationship ie were you friends within the relationship, ive been there myself but we had a really deep connection which to be honest made us fall in love all over again

LegacyUser

beepboop wrote: »

Honestly, having been in the same situation suggesting a clean break for a while is the only way forward.

When you're still friends on facebook the temptation can be too great to peep at their page. Even if you don't look, the newsfeed on your homepage will keep you updated on their activities even if you dont want to know ( Well you can hide them from the newsfeed).

Theres no stopping them from seeing what you've been up to.

Believe me theres all kinds of heartbreak waiting for you if you stay friends on facebook i.e photos of them hugging someone else - random other people, changing their relationship status etc

Even if the break was your idea, having a clean break would be easier on the other person too.

The point is right now you should be focusing on you. The easiest way to do this is to have a clean break. Being friends on facebook or elsewhere rarely works, less so straight after the break up. Give yourself time to heal first, when you feel like you're over them then see if you would like to be friends with them.

what you mean by clean break regarding facebook?

LegacyUser

well it really depends what the break up and relationship was like, if for example you broke up with them when he was going through a hard time or cheated on him or simular trust issues then to cut contact would probally ruin any chance of friendship with them (ive been the dumper here and cut contact and now he hates me). if he/she dumped you then its harder to remain in contact .

LegacyUser

i was dumped - still a bit sore - but would rather not know whats going on in his facebook world but dont wanna block him cos I would like if we could be mates. and tempted to look at his FB.. but scared i might not like what i see.. what you think?

LegacyUser

In relation to facebook, a clean break would be deleting them from your friends list.
A clean break would mean cutting them out of your life so you can heal.

Were you friends before you got together?
How long were you together?
How badly do you want to stay friends with this person?
How hurt would you feel if you saw they were moving on faster than you ( like i said -photos of them out and about with the opposite sex, when they meet someone and they change their relationship status etc)

If you're not over them, then knowing all about their activities such as I've mentioned is only going to make you feel worse therefore impinging on your recovery of the break up.

I've had two big break ups,
the first we tried the whole 'lets be friends' and que months of agony as I saw the ex moving on faster than me, dating and what have you. The temptation was too much not to peek at the exs profile. It really prolonged the hurt from the break up, and it took me a really long time to heal.

The second breakup, being a bit smarter, I cut all contact - no facebook, no text, no calls, no msn etc. Although the break up was difficult, I healed waay faster. I focused on me, I didnt spend time peeking at the exs profile. It felt freeing to be honest.

LegacyUser

God sometimes hate facebook. I had a one night stand with a friend of a friend before xmas. he texted me the next day and asked about meeting up again, I started really warming to the idea of having more fun with him. He then requested me on facebook and sent a flirty message, he then cooled off all of a sudden and said he was too busy to meet. Got me paranoid though as if he saw something he didn't like. Wish I never accepted the add now but feel it would look petty to remove him. Plan to wait a few weeks and then remove him. Knocked my confidence a bit and totally undid the buzz of the ONS, annoying as I was not that bothered to begin with. Luckily I am not tempted to look at his profile and have deleted his feed updates.

In proper break ups it prolongs torture. I can only imagine how tempting it follow up what there doing. It delays the healing and moving on.

Hooked

In my experience - you really need to cut ALL contact, for a period, dependent really on - 1. how long ye were together and - 2. how hurt/broken hearted/attached you were to him. It really is hard to give advice or an opinion not knowing this...

You say you might want to be mates (and not block him). Be honest - do you just want to have that (albeit reduced) connection with him still. You can see where he's been, if he's moved on, what he's up to etc.. etc... Hoping he'll come back to you?

It's early days and the most important thing you can concentrate on now is yourself - and NOT him, his facebook page, his mobile number, msn or email. Cut all contact and allow yourself to properly grieve the loss of the relationship. Because trust me - it is grieving - like a death , only this "loss" is still walking around and updating his page on facebook.

As an aside, I never used facebook, bebo, etc... but do pop on here for pearls of wisdom from Wibbs and co to help me understand the world I live in and those around me - and it helps.

So get off facebook, delete his number, and any other contacts. Stick with boards for the advice and distraction. Keep busy. Get fit. Join a club. Lean on family and friends. Whatever it takes to keep you going over the next few weeks and months.

And then, in time - maybe you will want to reconnect with an old "friend" when both of you have moved on. Maybe the breakup will make him realise what he lost. The only way to be sure in either case... is to be without each other.

At least for now.

LegacyUser

thanks for your mail.
TBH i do not even like facebook - I created it to look for someone and then it moved on from there - not a frequent user..

I know its over - he ended it and I know why - its his prob - not mine..

Ah I dont know - I would like to be civil with him... just afraid of what I will see and so tempted to look...

feels so childish -

oh we were not together v long but I know its over - do like him though.. so v sore and raw..

Hooked

beepboop wrote: »

I've had two big break ups,
the first we tried the whole 'lets be friends' and que months of agony as I saw the ex moving on faster than me, dating and what have you. The temptation was too much not to peek at the exs profile. It really prolonged the hurt from the break up, and it took me a really long time to heal.

The second breakup, being a bit smarter, I cut all contact - no facebook, no text, no calls, no msn etc. Although the break up was difficult, I healed waay faster. I focused on me, I didnt spend time peeking at the exs profile. It felt freeing to be honest.

+1 million




Don't worry facebuck - you sound youngish (very late teens early 20s) - and it was, as you said "not very long". Try 8 years, most of your 20's and then you discover you're being cheated on by the person you loved those 8 years.

Now that young 'buck - that - was "v. sore and raw" as you put it!

LegacyUser

yeah guess I am taking it all a bot too serious...

but i do hate facebook right now - tis good when your traveling..

thanks..

edvedfan

i know its hard when you're involved with someone and know what's going on in their life and for them to be involved in yours, but it is harder to see what's happening with them after the break up, and see how much fun they are having and what they are up to. remember its not like they are going to be posting am sad cos having trouble getting over my ex, its going to be was out last night and talking about that kind of stuff and then you'll see al the photos and stuff from the night out.

for some people they kind of want to save face and think that by deleting a profile, their ex will have some sort of a one up on them, however i do feel that if yor are truly close to that person, they will understand why it would be easier for ya to not have contact and get on with things.

LegacyUser

delete your profile, facebook is a breeding spot for all kids of trouble especially when there is stuff like this involved. you might miss facebook first but i deleted mine quite a few months ago and i feel much better after it

homerun_homer

If you feel the need to ask the question then I agree with many of the posters above, you have to cut them off. Me and an ex tried to remain friendly after and I kept checking her profile and it kept me delaying getting over her by lamenting what we had, looking at new photos, annoyed that I wasn't with her anymore etc etc.
I deleted her while drunk one night, this was the 2nd time I had done so and it pissed her off. I asked her when she called to make her profile fully private and that was that.

Don't let it drag on OP, it's not healthy.

BraziliaNZ

take her off it. I got back with girl recently, we had broke up for a while so i removed her from facebook. She tried adding me again at the weekend but i told her i don't want her on there that it's her own business and don't want to be snooping!
Plus when/if we break up again at least I wont have any inclinations to go and look at pictures of her with other men etc.