Is this wrong? Or Am I fooling myself

edwardevans

Hi,
I broke up with the love of my life for the second time about 6 months ago. We went out for a year, then broke up for a few months, then a year again. She is amazing, but after a while of being in the relationship I would feel trapped, and worried that I would miss out on living single when im young. I would definitely marry this one if I was 28 but im 21 and I feel like i need a few years. It's weird that after a little while, I forget why we broke up, and I think all the time about getting back together, but now I'm worried about a few things:

If I felt like this, feeling like I wanted to be single for a while when young - does that mean I dont' love her as much as I believe? Am I fooling myself?
I have these grand ideas that when I'm ready we'll get back together, but I'm worried it's too soon and i'll break up again - is this a completely d*ckhead thing to think about. I don't want to cause her any more upset than i already have, but I also know that I can be the best boyfriend in the world for her.

Also, when we broke up I said I'd be back, and so i feel obligated somewhat, and maybe I just can't move on because of this in the back of my mind?

I'm pretty confused, and thinking about it way too much, all day every day really.

Any advice welcome

jenga-jen

Hi OP,

As someone once told me 'if you're not sure what to do, do nothing at all'! When you know how you feel yourself then you'll know what to do but a 'try it and see' attitude wouldn't be fair to either of you.

While it's clear you really felt for this girl, if you were feeling so trapped and panicked being in the relationship at 21 then going your separate ways is the fairest and most mature thing to do.

I have a couple of points to make on your post:

• There is a chance that you don't in fact love her as much as you think or that you do but you're just not 'ready' to be with her if it induces these feelings of being trapped.
  
• Until you're sure that you definitely do or don't want to be with her then don't enter into conversation with her on it, it may lead to a situation of false hope for the girl if you ultimately decide it's not for you.
  
• People say a lot of things when they're breaking up, while not ideal, saying you'll eventually be back doesn't mean that you have to.
  
• Recognise the fact that if you ultimately do decide to get back with her then she may not feel the same way, assuming she will could lead to more hurt for you

Just my bit on it tbh, I hope you get some head-space on it, I know how hard it is to do anything when your head's all full

LegacyUser

I did something similar to a girl and had this great expectation she'd be there waiting when I was ready - well I was being an idiot because how up my own a** was I to think she'd be sitting around just putting her love life on hold for me!? It's not fair on her to just break it off and tell her you'll come back...my GF now told me she was with someone who did the same and he messed her up for a few years because of it. She was willing to stay around and he just broke it off saying he wasn't ready but that he'd "be back when he was ready" - the arrogance of it got her more than anything.

It's impossible to say what you should do, she might find someone while your enjoying your single life and you won't get her back. What is it about the single life you want so much? Casual sex? Freedom to travel? There are pros and cons with both and you need to really think what you want long term because just because you suddenly decide "ok it's settle down time" doesn't mean she's sitting looking at her phone waiting around for you.

edwardevans

cheers for that, and do you reckon I should tell her that "look you don't have to wait for me" or what? I've been a dickhead by texting her from time to time (when im really drunk on nights out) - when you can't help it, i deleted her number but know it off by heart so sometimes can't stop myself, saying i love you etc etc. I'm afraid this is hurting her too.

When we broke she wanted no contact unless I wanted to win her back - but im still not sure where im at so I don't want to force it . I really want to stay in touch, but now i even just want to apologise for being a dick and texting and probably making it harder for her.

The reason was I think she's amazing, and like i said if i was 28 id marry her, but i just had the feeling that "il never break up with her, this is it now, and there's all those things that iv never done and that now il never get to do sort of feeling". Not so much the sex, although, just being 100% honest, yeah that's a part of it, but it's moreso being able to chat up girls, i like that, or I hate the feeling that if I get too drunk i might get drunk and kiss someone else and have to tell her about that, that happened once and it was pretty ****. But even on the sex thing - if that's something that I'd like to try -(I haven't been able to do that yet because still way too attached) but does that make me bad? Does it mean I dont' love her?

Is the only thing I can do wait til I'm ready and take the chance when I can fully commit and hope she feels the same?

jenga-jen

OP from what you're saying the thought of being 'tied' to this girl in a long term relationship is scaring the crap out of you and, it seems, far outweighs the feelings you have/had for her.

Having been in a similar situation where I really like someone but realised that I was waaaay too young to be so settled I can totally see where you're coming from. I went and was on my own for a bit and realised I'd made the right decision for me.

If the pull of wanting to chat up other girls is so strong then you definitely don't need to be in a relationship right now.

My advice would be go and see what the big bad world has to offer and let that help make your mind up.

But in the meantime, stop texting her. At all! Don't get all emo on it and have a deep and meaningful about her 'not waiting for you' :rolleyes: If she meets someone she likes, who actually wants to be with her, chances are a throw-away sentence at the time of breaking up won't weigh too heavily on her mind!

Go have your fun/self discovery/growing up time (no offence meant) and see how you get on. You could discover that all you want is her OR you could discover that there's a world of other people out there and one of them might be worth giving up the single life for.