signed up to 'net dating and feel so depressed

LegacyUser

i was dumped by "the love of my life" 6 weeks ago. am still pretty gutted and had a really hard xmas/ new year, missing him so much. part of me feels like throwing in the towel for a long time (re men) but another part of me feels i really need to keep trying to meet some one new and not waste too much time pining over a guy, not doing myself any favours etc.. it took me years to meet him and i know how hard it is to meet guys (i'm 36 - so trust me, it's VERY hard). before i met him i dabbled with internet dating on and off for 2 years and met nobody thro it. equally, met nobody thro pub scene. the Ex was introduced by friends (extremely rare in my circles - nobody single left!)

i really thought i was finished with dating and am gutted that i've to "start all over" again. i'm not a fan of internet as have had no success yet i do know a couple of people for whom it has worked out, so can't afford to give up on it either as it's possibly the best chance 30 s'things like me have.

but since i joined (again) i just feel so depressed and sad that my relationship didn't work out. i loved him so much and i felt he was the one for me. i just don't want to be in this zone but i can't let life pass me by either. maybe a date would help distract me. i don't know but i wish it wasn't this hard. i'm a very sociable and attractive person with lots of friends and interests. i go out every w'end. i'm told i'm too "fussy" which bugs me but i'm not going to settle. i rteally belived that after all the years in the wilderness of nothing or very brief "relationships" that i'd finally met my true match. now i just feel shattered but unwilling to give up either. thanks for reading.

estar

i know that a relationship not working out is difficult and you may feel your age is against you. i know many people in the same situation of both genders. you don't specify why it didn't work out but to truly move on and meet someone else you need first to allow yourself a little space to digest what happened and why, and then you can be free to be positive and date others. It is hard to be attractive to others in a negative state of mind, but it is natural to be depressed when faced with a break up at this time of year. However its a new year now. Its time to get planning on 2010 and what it can mean to you. Make a list of other personal goals you want to achieve, so that you don't become overly focused on one area of your life. Volunteering can be a great way to meet new social groups, as can dancing lessons, learning a new language, night courses etc. Maybe plan some travel, book a week away on a yoga holiday - that is a great way to reconnect with yourself and your own core positivity.

if you remain positive, open and curious about life it increases the liklihood of meeting someone else which we could do in a myriad of situations during our daily lives.

my advice is deal with the breakup - maybe with a counsellor to speed up the process, and help you understand and process it with support. Make a list of things you want to achieve, and start each day with a hopeful attitude. you are still young and have a full life ahead of you in which you can achieve an awful lot if you remain open.

estar

what did the person who made this comment mean?

LegacyUser

thanks, appreciate the advice. i do volunteer already. i'm in 2 local clubs. i do dance classes and i do an evening class in local vec every spring. i've booked a ski holiday for march. i really do keep a pretty full life but i think it's not the same without someone special to shareit all with. maybe it's my age but filling my life with stuff still doesn't do enough.
maybe i do need counselling to help with the emotional pain.

fussy? i'm not too sure tbh. this comes from the settled poeple mainly so PRESUME being single at my age is because i'm fussy or am not attracted to some people that are suggested as potentials. it's either there or it ain't - simple as

estar

its great that you are keeping busy. i would recommend counselling to heal a little, it does help to process the emotional pain. why did you break up with the other guy did he give a reason?

other people's negative comments can only find a hook in our heads when we have the hook there already - ie that comment bothers you as you don't believe enough in yourself to trust your own judgement. marriage to the wrong person can be a very destructive thing. they should applaud your care around this issue rather than suggest you try it out with people you aren't attracted to.

however sometimes we get stuck dating a type, or go for a type that doesnt suit us, and can end up passing over other people who may make us happy given the chance. some of my friends always go for a type, they have to be creative and exciting, however these types arent synonymous with long term relationships and so as they over look more practical people they end up with longer gaps between relationships.

what do you think of that ?

also perhaps the new model of modern life is that we wont spend twenty years with one person, but rather have a series of shorter relationships.

although you keep busy, you still say your core friends are all hooked up. have you any single friends who share your situation? also a younger crowd can help to feel rejuvenated. perhaps try and make new friends outside your normal crowd.

finally make a gratitude list of things you are grateful for in your life. this helps me when faced with something dificult to feel lucky again.

gagomes

Up until now, I only had one (serious) girlfriend to date and this girlfriend broke up with me in March last year. I had a troubled time too, as I used to convince myself she was the one and only. 1.5 months later after we split up, I got into this dating site I saw someone mentioning here on boards and shortly afterwards I hooked up with a girl in no-strings-attached. This process went for roughly 3 months and though it may have helped me getting distracted, I regret it today, but now I feel a lot better. After the 3months misdemeanor, I simply focused on my carreer and this Christmas, I just noticed my HR qualification has been raised to senior and though no one has informed me about it yet because I am working from my home country, this sounds and feels great, as it helped me going through a hard time.

WRT dating my advice would be that you use the chat functionalities in the site you're using as your dating gateway more extensively and, even if the person's picture/profile doesn't attract you immediately or doesn't really seem the kind of men you're looking after for, at least you'll feel that time will pass by quickly while you are chatting away. Even going out on dates with men you don't seem in love with, can help you just by having someone to talk to, not to mention that a lot of men, especially the shyest ones, may not have a picture that best describes them and may not have a profile written to perfection. Sometimes we get picky based on simple and non-fundamental questions, such as questionable postures or spelling.

Above all, have fun.

LegacyUser

estar wrote: »

(sorry, don't know how to do the quote thing properly-

"however sometimes we get stuck dating a type, or go for a type that doesnt suit us, and can end up passing over other people who may make us happy given the chance. some of my friends always go for a type, they have to be creative and exciting, however these types arent synonymous with long term relationships and so as they over look more practical people they end up with longer gaps between relationships.

what do you think of that ?"

me: i don't have a type at all. in fact the Ex was a guy i would never have gone for on paper in a way as i used to look for certain things in common as a total must but let a few things go, thinking i couldn't expect him to share ALL my interests. we had a few things in common. also he would have been more reserved than i'd normally go for but i thought he was such a nice guy - nicer and more genuine than anyone i'd dated before and i was blown away by that.

"finally make a gratitude list of things you are grateful for in your life. this helps me when faced with something dificult to feel lucky again.

"

Me - yes, i think thats a good idea. i hate myself sometimes when i feel i'm wallowing in self pity and believe that i need to focus on the positives in my life and try to get more perspective.but at the same time, i can't help how wounded i feel. i know it will go in time. hopefuilly not too long away, my last break up took about a year for me to feel normal again.i was 28 then. i don't feel i have that time now to let pass me by as i'm 36.

oh, he broke up with me cos he "stopped feeling it" and didn't feel enough for a long term thing. pretty tragic for me ...

magneticimpulse

i really feel for you. i went to councilling to get help after my break up. 4 months on it still hurts and in your case 6 weeks is not long at all. The break up was pretty nasty. now im giving internet dating a go. Ive met 4 guys so far and was meant to meet a further 4 guys this weekend. With the weather and being stuck in, i find im thinking of my ex again, whereas the internet dating definitely keeps your mind occupied. I found going to clubs very depressing as lots of men are there just for drunken hook ups. Women were flinging themselves at men it was really sad.

I found internet dating, keeps your mind occupied. First dates are always fun and exciting and you can reherse dating with many guys. If one doesnt work or you say something stupid you know what to do and what not to say with the next guy. Although Ive not met the love on my life on there, you really have to make the effort. Be open minded. Tbh at the moment im finding it difficult to meet 29 yr olds on the site...dated lots of 34 to 36 yr olds!!! So I think you would have lots of options.

As for your ex, he is a plonker for ditching you so forget about him. Best way to overcome relationship is to get back out there and be wanted by other guys...look like that he didnt disrupt your confidence. As for your age, you have a lot more experience with relationships and knowing what you want or dont want. That has to stand to you. Chin up, be strong

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i really feel for you. i went to councilling to get help after my break up. 4 months on it still hurts and in your case 6 weeks is not long at all. The break up was pretty nasty. now im giving internet dating a go. Ive met 4 guys so far and was meant to meet a further 4 guys this weekend. With the weather and being stuck in, i find im thinking of my ex again, whereas the internet dating definitely keeps your mind occupied. I found going to clubs very depressing as lots of men are there just for drunken hook ups. Women were flinging themselves at men it was really sad.

I found internet dating, keeps your mind occupied. First dates are always fun and exciting and you can reherse dating with many guys. If one doesnt work or you say something stupid you know what to do and what not to say with the next guy. Although Ive not met the love on my life on there, you really have to make the effort. Be open minded. Tbh at the moment im finding it difficult to meet 29 yr olds on the site...dated lots of 34 to 36 yr olds!!! So I think you would have lots of options.

As for your ex, he is a plonker for ditching you so forget about him. Best way to overcome relationship is to get back out there and be wanted by other guys...look like that he didnt disrupt your confidence. As for your age, you have a lot more experience with relationships and knowing what you want or dont want. That has to stand to you. Chin up, be strong

Mind me asking, what particular dating site you use / recommend? There seems to be lots out there, both free and not-so-free... seems you are having good success on the one you are using anyhow!

magneticimpulse

I used datingdirect, meetic, plentyoffish and match.com
I used to sign up and pay but if you dont cancel membership, they are very sneaky and take the payment out of your account. I believe in just using the free trails for a few days to connect with people. What happens if you meet someone and youve signed up for 6 months to a dating website? So I just keep it to short periods at a time. I wouldnt say i am having success. Just going on date after date with different guys. Not met anyone who really makes my heart tump...but then i think its cos i got so hurt by ex. Anyway it keeps you going and keeps your mind of things.

kraggy

OP, are you over your ex? Sounds to me that you're not.

Therefore, you shouldn't be throwing yourself into another relationship only to get hurt again (and maybe hurt the guy).

Take time out for yourself. You need to be comfortable in yourself before you can be comfortable with someone else.

Not saying you are, but I used rarely be out of a relationship and found being single very hard to start with. Am single now for the last nearly 3 years and am very happy within myself.

Maybe some single time would be good for you to sort out your head and enjoy life on your own for a change?

miec

I think that jumping into the internet dating so quickly is not giving yourself enough time to heal from the broken relationship and you may be looking for someone to distract you from the pain, I used to do this but I found that I attracted a negative relationship and ended up with double the pain. It is hard to sit with the hurt and work through it but personally I think you need to do this, work through the break up and then when you feel better have lots of fun dates.

paddles

soun fds a bit like you're trying to meet others too soon but i can understand the want to be distracted by other guys, even if a few flings. i'd be inclined to keep them pretty casual until you feel sure you re ready for a new relationship and maybe let your dates know that so they know where they stand cos yes they may get hurt too. good luck.

The Nice Jumper

I really don't think I could face the horror of internet dating. It just seems too impersonal. I can see why people use it though, especially given that these days most things are available at the click of the fingers - I find it difficult to keep my patience in the queue at the bank. Probably alleviates the frustration of sitting around waiting for something to happen...especially on a monday or tuesday when there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Probably sounds crazy :rolleyes:, but that's my take on it anyway! I'm seriously considering breaking up with my girlfriend but not keen on the prospect of being single. I can imagine the days just dragging.

dolliemix

The Nice Jumper wrote: »

I really don't think I could face the horror of internet dating. It just seems too impersonal. I can see why people use it though, especially given that these days most things are available at the click of the fingers - I find it difficult to keep my patience in the queue at the bank. Probably alleviates the frustration of sitting around waiting for something to happen...especially on a monday or tuesday when there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Probably sounds crazy :rolleyes:, but that's my take on it anyway! I'm seriously considering breaking up with my girlfriend but not keen on the prospect of being single. I can imagine the days just dragging.

Sounds like a great idea! Why not contact a man who's "considering breaking up with his girlfriend"! :rolleyes:

eleanoroosevelt

Oh he sounds like such a horrible f****r!

Ok OP you need to get on your bike and start the new year as you mean to continue it- Positive and Gorgeous! Imagine if you reach 40 and wake up one morning realising you wasted 4 years of your life pining over that git? As bette page once said "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one"
Now I'm not suggesting you start slutting it up at your local dance class- god no, but don't let yourself feel undesirable or depressed. You are still so young! ok so your friends are settled happily- maybe its time you met some new friends who can introduce you to nice guys, or took up a new sport or activity. We're not all carrie bradshaw and Ireland is certainly no New york but there must be some men on this tiny island.
Do not get depressed and do nothing, because if you do you'll wake up one day and realise the time you wasted mourning the plonker. That guy who dumped you at 28- you got over him right?
you obviously weren't dumped by the "love of your life" because we all know the love of our life would never do what he did to you!
I know it's hard- We've all been there- but think of how foolish you'll feel at 40 if you realise you wasted 4 years mourning the idiot.
Good Luck!

kraggy

eleanoroosevelt wrote: »

Oh he sounds like such a horrible f****r!

Ok OP you need to get on your bike and start the new year as you mean to continue it- Positive and Gorgeous! Imagine if you reach 40 and wake up one morning realising you wasted 4 years of your life pining over that git? As bette page once said "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one"
Now I'm not suggesting you start slutting it up at your local dance class- god no, but don't let yourself feel undesirable or depressed. You are still so young! ok so your friends are settled happily- maybe its time you met some new friends who can introduce you to nice guys, or took up a new sport or activity. We're not all carrie bradshaw and Ireland is certainly no New york but there must be some men on this tiny island.
Do not get depressed and do nothing, because if you do you'll wake up one day and realise the time you wasted mourning the plonker. That guy who dumped you at 28- you got over him right?
you obviously weren't dumped by the "love of your life" because we all know the love of our life would never do what he did to you!
I know it's hard- We've all been there- but think of how foolish you'll feel at 40 if you realise you wasted 4 years mourning the idiot.
Good Luck!

What exactly has the OP said that indicates her ex is a "horrible f***er?

Because he wanted to break up?!

The Recliner

Can I remind some people in this thread that PI is not a place to try and arrange Hook Ups

Any further suggestions of meeting up or arranging stuff will meet with bannings or the thread being closed

Thanks