Bf won't leave small town for me

LegacyUser

Been in a relationship for 6 years now, we have a 17 month old daughter also, we've been living in Cork together for the last 4 years. I'm handing my phd thesis in next week and I was delighted with myself tonight when I finally finished it, wanted to celebrate, but all my bf did was turn to me say 'now we can go back to my mam's in Kerry'. He comes from just outside a tiny village in Kerry (has shop/post office, church and three pubs and nothing else). I can cope with the shops and schools being a distance away, but what the hell am I going to do for a job? Commuting to Cork every day isn't practical, the roads around his mother's place are dire, plus I don't want to live with his mother anyway!! He keeps saying how great it'll be for our DD to have a field to play in, fresh air and she can have a dog etc. which is hard to argue since we live in pretty much a box here in Cork! He works from home anyway, and has been our DD's stay at home daddy since she was about 2 months old and he's adamant he wants to stay that way, but not sure what he expects me to do. He confident I'll get work in the village, as I worked in pubs throughout college. :O

I don't know how to talk to him, he doesn't seem to understand my fears and uneasiness about this. I'm almost scared to hand my thesis in as it'll start the countdown to leaving my career behind

Dublin141

Do some research into the type of jobs that are available there first and see how you get on. If there isn't anything there you want to do then let him know sooner rather than later. I'm assuming you didn't go to college to work in a pub so let him know that isn't something you're happy doing right now. There has to be some sort of compromise, maybe somewhere outside of where you're living now but close enough so you can travel for work?

What were your original plans when you decided to go to college?

token56

It seems like a difficult situation to be in. The question I would really ask is have you tought about exactly what you want to do with your career. Your partner has made it clear he is happy being a stay at home dad and work from and thats great. But you have to think about what you actually want to do with your career, then decide where you want to live. Its not fair for him to say oh you will get a job in the village and assume you will be happy with whatever sort of job you get. Your partners decision on his career should really be a blessing as it should allow you to be flexible where you live but the exact opposite seems to be happening.

I'm sure if living in a place where there is fresh air and fields etc is what he wants then there has to be a more convient place which would be reasonably close to a job want but would facilitate his wishes. I would also be unsure whether these are his only reasons for wanting to go back there. It seems pretty obvious he is looking forward to going back to living close to his family again. But this isn't really fair on you, he should really be focusing on you and your new child now.

You do need to sit down and explain clearly your fears and what you would like.

Gyalist

It seems more likely that your boyfriend is using this issue to control you. You didn't say his level of academic qualification, but I think that he fears losing you and will use this issue to control you. The world could now potentially be your oyster but he wants to limit your ability to take advantage of it.

Kimia

The above seems spot on.

Also, why in the name of God would you move in with his mam???

Also, how dare he tell you that you can work in pubs because you have experience - what about the years of work you put into your PHD??

B*LLOX to that - I wouldn't even consider it. It would be an outright no. It makes no sense from any angle. Tell him to f*ck off back to the sticks. I can't believe he's demanding this - have you told him no?

Have you told him how you'd feel moving back to the arSehole of Kerry?

CDfm

Is it particularily about his Mam or is this about him being stuck at home etc.

Think for a minute that you have spent time on a PHd and he has looked after the baby and now you are off job hunting assuming its been all sweetness and light for him.

So what type of job will you get and what will this mean to your quality of life such as moving to a bigger place etc. Will the job you get pay well or is your PHd in an obscure area that work is hard to come by.

If he wants to access the regular workplace etc can he and what about him developing his career too. Its not like kerry has no businesses the tourism industry is huge and its the home of kerry foods which is huge.

I detect a bit of him saying to you that you take him for granted for childcare, homemaker and paying the bills.

So OP how marketable or transferable are your skills and how will your career translate into better quality of life.

Kimia

He's 'adament' he wants to remain the stay at home dad so how can this be about him being annoyed about being 'stuck at home'?

He's demanding they move back to Kerry to live with his mam in a tiny village and for her to work in the local pub, without any consideration for the fact that she's put 4 years into a PHD and maybe doesn't want to live with her mil?

How can this be defended?

CDfm

Kimia wrote: »

He's 'adament' he wants to remain the stay at home dad so how can this be about him being annoyed about being 'stuck at home'?

He's demanding they move back to Kerry to live with his mam in a tiny village and for her to work in the local pub, without any consideration for the fact that she's put 4 years into a PHD and maybe doesn't want to live with her mil?

How can this be defended?

Living with MIL itself is a dreadful idea. Fundamentally he is saying he is not happy.

Being the carer and breadwinner gives him a say on the lifestyle he would like too. He is saying he doesn't like the current arrangements and the OP is saying but Ive got a PHd

The OP hasnt convinced him or put down here how life is going to get better for them all because of the PHd. If its on the migratory patterns of molluscs in the Lee basin -then I cant see a demand for it. The qualification is useful if it makes money.So she needs to put down the alternatives.

Taltos

where to go wrote: »

I don't know how to talk to him, he doesn't seem to understand my fears and uneasiness about this. I'm almost scared to hand my thesis in as it'll start the countdown to leaving my career behind

Look there are a few different things here.
First off though - think about it - what have you worked so hard at for the last few years??? Hand in your Thesis asap...
Whatever happens or doesn't you just need to put that thesis in.

Now - as to whatever is to happen after the thesis.
Few things - right now - you are coming out of a really intense time emotionally and intellectually and you might even get the whole anti-climax once the thesis is in of - "oh is that it then"...

So - now for my second piece of advice - change NOTHING right now in anything else you do. Take some time for you both to think it through and talk about it.

Lastly - in a week or so maybe 2 - you both need to talk things through.
You both need to be able to clearly verbalize what it is you both want and what you hope for. You also both need to try to switch off that part of your brains that will try to argue with everything the other says - i.e. try to see it from the others viewpoint.

In terms of doing this - each of you write down what you want - why you want it - how you think you will get it.
Look whatever else happens you need to get that thesis in now and secure your PhD. In terms of what happens later - slow it down - write it all down and address it one issue at a time - otherwise it will just overwhelm you.

There are always compromises - don't lose sight of that. ie Why not spend every 3rd weekend in Kerry or something. But again I am jumping ahead. Slow it down. Deal with one thing at a time - get your thesis in and then spend time talking - writing down what you want. Don't fall into the trap of endless arguments. While it has been tortuous for you your OH may also have felt some pressure as well and maybe chose the wrong time to just let it all out.

He may have been emotionally blackmailing you - or he may just be a poor judge of proper timing....

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

my PhD is biochemistry based, happy doing really basic lab work, have good lab experience as had to do a year of work experience, that company went on to sponsor my phd and I've passed most of the technical qualifications too as well as academic.

There's no jobs near the village, at least an hour away by bad roads. I'm not the most confident driver either, haven't even got my full license yet.

My original plan going to college was to get a degree, then decided to go for a PhD when I realised I loved research, I never planned to get pregnant, though she's such a blessing in my life.

My bf is very close to his mother, rings her nearly every day, his cousins are from the area etc. The pubs are both owned by his relatives too! I tried to say we could live somewhere like outside Tralee, but all he wants to do is go back to his mother's!! I get on fine with her, but last time I stayed there she told me I was a disgrace for not staying home with our DD, I spent every moment I can with her, she means the whole world to me.

Also as I had funding for my Phd I paid my share of rent/food/bills, all my clothes etc, but my bf has paid probably 70% of our daughters stuff as well as paying for our car, so I know finacially it's not that even, but I want to contribute to our life too. I feel a bit useless, at least here I have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

CDfm

The first thing to do is submit your thesis - the thesis does not change anything.- well done by the way I wish I had the brains to get one.

A disaster of an idea to move in with MIL even though moving to kerry
has been muted the domestic arrangements should be a place of your own. For starters it would put the kybosh on couple style intimacy and even arguments - couples work -couples living with in laws walk around on eggshells unless the live in mansions and have pots of money , servants and a nanny..So even if you got a job in kerry you would not want to live with mummy.

I am a divorced guy with two visiting young adult children and girlfriend and while in theory its great in practice even if you did. - so blending is difficult and its a stress you dont need. I love my parents but living with them as well - get outta here- that would be a recipe for a stand up comedy routine

There is a lovely checklist put together by Mary Cleary of Amen for problem relationships - now its for lowest common denominator people that are headwrecks but it may give you pointers on life planning your relationship. Ignore the title but read the download -its geared towards people approaching marriage with past lives so just pick out whats pertinent to you.

http://www.dangerouswomen.co.uk/DDRS09.pdf

Again well done with the PHd and once you have the auld career kicked off and earning a few bob things will even out and look better.

You dont need to do anything today or even the next week or so till you submit your work. The next thing is getting employment in your chosen field and get those job apps off.

A decision like this can be deferred until you get replies on the work availability.

Congrats again on the PHD.

LegacyUser

First of all - super well done on finishing your PhD. I know what a hard slog it is. Just a small piece of advice - take friends with you when you submit. It's such an anti-climax - you need people there with balloons, streamers and champagne to make an event of it.

Now, back to your immediate problem. I really can sympathesise, as it's very difficult for the "trailing spouse" to feel like they have to give up their career aspirations - and even home - for your career. I suspect - but don't know for sure - that it might be harder for men than women, given men are used to being the breadwinner, or, at the very least, in charge of their own destiny (both from a personal and also cultural perspective).

I moved from abroad to Ireland for an academic position but unfortunately my partner was not able to move too. Two years on, he's now moved to Ireland to be with me, which I am very grateful for, but also very aware of the fact that he's given up his job etc to be here and is essentially being supported by me for the moment as he's not yet able to work in Ireland. This can be tough on anyone's ego. If my career takes me elsewhere, the "expectation" is that he'll follow. I say "expectation" fully aware that this is something that is discussed and negotiated between us, NOT just an expectation that he'll do whatever I want!! By my career is such - sadly - that there are not just positions anywhere, so it is a real dilemma, and one that I have to be sensitive to.

In your situation you really need to sit down and communicate clearly with him - it's the only way for each of you to lay your cards on the table. It may be that he's always had the impression that once your studies are over you'll move "back home". Maybe people see college as some kind of "time out" from "real life" rather than the first step on a new path. Just like you've had visions of your future, he's bound to have thought about raising your daughter in the same place and manner that he was raised. It's a little nostalgic and perhaps he's kind of been biding time and never really thought through what happens after you're a Dr. By the same token, he's also got to start thinking about future plans rather than returning to his childhood idyll.

If work is available where you are, is it possible to move just a little closer to his family so it's not too far for him and the commute is easier for you? It's a small compromise and perhaps means you can have the lifestyle he seems to want. Definitely don't move in with MIL - that can be a killer for most young families, particularly when she appears not to support your career. It's a real shame that they don't understand what it means to earn a PhD and the level of dedication and commitment - and brains - that goes into it. To expect you to feel satisfied with a life of pulling pints......???

Best of luck.

tinkerbell

where to go wrote: »

Been in a relationship for 6 years now, we have a 17 month old daughter also, we've been living in Cork together for the last 4 years. I'm handing my phd thesis in next week and I was delighted with myself tonight when I finally finished it, wanted to celebrate, but all my bf did was turn to me say 'now we can go back to my mam's in Kerry'. He comes from just outside a tiny village in Kerry (has shop/post office, church and three pubs and nothing else). I can cope with the shops and schools being a distance away, but what the hell am I going to do for a job? Commuting to Cork every day isn't practical, the roads around his mother's place are dire, plus I don't want to live with his mother anyway!! He keeps saying how great it'll be for our DD to have a field to play in, fresh air and she can have a dog etc. which is hard to argue since we live in pretty much a box here in Cork! He works from home anyway, and has been our DD's stay at home daddy since she was about 2 months old and he's adamant he wants to stay that way, but not sure what he expects me to do. He confident I'll get work in the village, as I worked in pubs throughout college. :O

I don't know how to talk to him, he doesn't seem to understand my fears and uneasiness about this. I'm almost scared to hand my thesis in as it'll start the countdown to leaving my career behind

Your partner is being selfish here - he wants you all to live with his mother and get some job working in a pub after doing a PhD? I mean why?! You worked darn hard to get your PhD, why would you do it for nothing?! He has a life now with you and your daughter, you two should be his first priority. If he keeps saying how great it'll be to have your daughter "a field to play in, fresh air, having a dog, etc." well there is plenty of fresh air, fields and houses that you can have a dog in Cork as well, you don't have to literally live in Cork city if you don't want to. And to move in with his mother? Err that is hardly practical in fairness - how would you even have any privacy?!! Is he a total mammy's boy or something?

Oh and hand your thesis in - you're being silly even thinking about NOT handing it in!

Don't move if you don't want to - you are in an equal relationship and both sides deserve a say in the matter, not just him dictating where he wants to live and you being completely miserable for the rest of your life.

fend

Would he consider moving somewhere inbetween? 50/50?

iguana

fend wrote: »

Would he consider moving somewhere inbetween? 50/50?

I think the OP has already suggested a compromise and he won't accept it (assuming Tralee is somewhere near his family and not the other end of Kerry). Cork and Kerry are adjoining counties if he drives then he can visit home fairly regularly. I guess what he wants is a very particular lifestyle so as far as he's concerned halfway won't cut it.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP again.

We had a big talk about the future and stuff, and he didn't know his mother had little 'chats' with me about how terrible a mother I am, not good enough for her darling son etc. He rang her last night, and told her that his life was with me and our DD now. I sat there gobsmacked!! Hopefully it'll last. We don't have the funds at the moment to move to the countryside, but we're going to move outside Cork so we can have a garden. I still imagine his mother will do her usual tricks of turning up mid-week with bags of clothes and toys for our daughter, some pocket money (!!!) for my bf, then I'd come home to find her cooking dinner for them but not me! But hopefully that'll change if my bf keeps putting his foot down.

From what my bf said I think he thought I'd come back to care for our DD after I completed my phd, because I wasn't very focused on my undergraduate which he was studying with me for (but he left after 2 years), but I've been incredibly focused for the last few years, and I do most of my study/writing in my office rather than at home.

Thanks for your help everyone, I think things will be a bit easier now.

ya-ba-da-ba-doo

You didn't spend those countless hours away from your daughter and husband for nothing, you did it for the future. Now is the future, act on it or it will all have been for nothing.


Good luck.

CDfm

where to go wrote: »

I still imagine his mother will do her usual tricks of turning up mid-week with bags of clothes and toys for our daughter, some pocket money (!!!) for my bf, then I'd come home to find her cooking dinner for them but not me! But hopefully that'll change if my bf keeps putting his foot down.

Ah pleasant memories -ex MIL was a nightmare - if the dinner thing happens again tell her straight that its a house rule that she is not to cook in the kitchen again unless she cooks for everyone. Its your home and you make the rules.

She will probably spit in your dinner but its worth it.

The other thing is that now you are qualified your b/f can if he wants go for qualifications too so maybe its his turn on that and a reason to stay in Cork.

Ickle Magoo

where to go wrote: »

Hi, OP again.

We had a big talk about the future and stuff, and he didn't know his mother had little 'chats' with me about how terrible a mother I am, not good enough for her darling son etc. He rang her last night, and told her that his life was with me and our DD now. I sat there gobsmacked!! Hopefully it'll last. We don't have the funds at the moment to move to the countryside, but we're going to move outside Cork so we can have a garden. I still imagine his mother will do her usual tricks of turning up mid-week with bags of clothes and toys for our daughter, some pocket money (!!!) for my bf, then I'd come home to find her cooking dinner for them but not me! But hopefully that'll change if my bf keeps putting his foot down.

From what my bf said I think he thought I'd come back to care for our DD after I completed my phd, because I wasn't very focused on my undergraduate which he was studying with me for (but he left after 2 years), but I've been incredibly focused for the last few years, and I do most of my study/writing in my office rather than at home.

Thanks for your help everyone, I think things will be a bit easier now.

Glad you found a compromise. Mother-in-laws are best dealt with by their son's/daughters. If the mother is being rude, your OH has to nip it in the bud or she will see it as a license to be horrible to you in your own home and anything you say will be make you a greater enemy. I don't understand why some parents have to be so obnoxious and interfering, in the long run it only harms their relationship with everyone involved.

Best of luck.

magneticimpulse

Well done on PhD, ive just finished lab work and about to write up mine. So you would be very very foolish to throw it all away. I know how difficult it is. Your boyfriend sounds like a plonker for wanting you to work in a pub and live with his mother. He obvisously knows how hard you worked for the PhD. Dont settle for anything less, besides the career you chose to do. You say you enjoy research so continue. He can move anywhere in the country as he works at home. I think he is very selfish if he doesnt let you continue with your career.

Moomoo1

This seems a bit strange - what did your OH expect, that you'd spend all this time and effort doing a PhD and then go work in a pub? Presumably it was clear a long time before what sort of career you had in mind for yourself (research and/or industry)?

I think there some people there under very bizarre illusions, and the sooner you dispel them the better...

seamus

Moomoo1 wrote: »

This seems a bit strange - what did your OH expect, that you'd spend all this time and effort doing a PhD and then go work in a pub? Presumably it was clear a long time before what sort of career you had in mind for yourself (research and/or industry)?

I think there some people there under very bizarre illusions, and the sooner you dispel them the better...

In many places and for some people, college is seen as a right of passage. College is something that you do before you go off and get a real job and a life. For a lot of people, it's not seen as "preparation" for this real job, it's just something that's the done thing. Hence why so many people leave Irish colleges with Arts or Science degrees and end up working in financial services or something equally unrelated to their degree.

There's a long tradition in farming, for example, where the farmer's son heads off to the local university, spends four years partying and getting a good solid degree, and then arriving back to work on the family farm. Not that farm work is for the uneducated, but the son could equally have just started working on the farm without going to college.

This may be what happened in the OP's case. He saw college as just what was done, and then once it was done, you'd get onto the real life stuff of moving home and setting up a life. He probably hadn't considered that you might want to apply your degree and work in your chosen field. Many people don't.

Hopefully he does now understand that you want to go ahead with your career and you don't want to spend your time working a menial job and being a housewife.

seamus

seamus wrote: »

In many places and for some people, college is seen as a right of passage. College is something that you do before you go off and get a real job and a life. For a lot of people, it's not seen as "preparation" for this real job, it's just something that's the done thing. Hence why so many people leave Irish colleges with Arts or Science degrees and end up working in financial services or something equally unrelated to their degree.

I agree, but she didn't just do Arts at UCD, she has completed a PhD. People do not generally do them just for the laugh, they take a lot of time, hard work and dedication. I cannot understand how on earth the boyfriend thought someone with a doctorate would be aiming to work in the local pub.

seamus

[quote=[Deleted User];63782111]I agree, but she didn't just do Arts at UCD, she has completed a PhD. People do not generally do them just for the laugh, they take a lot of time, hard work and dedication. I cannot understand how on earth the boyfriend thought someone with a doctorate would be aiming to work in the local pub.[/QUOTE]Because a lot of people do that too (though far less!). A lot of people see college as a time for getting drunk, being young and finishing off with a couple of exams - they don't really understand the effort required to get a PhD (or even a masters), they think it's just a matter of being a student for another couple of years.

CDfm

I think some people are being harsh.

I know a guy who is now a barrister but who after qualifying worked for years as a painter and decorator as he needed the money.

Lets say MIL is well meaning and her idea is if things get rough financially its an option.

The OP hasent even got a job offer yet and say if she had academic work options that could include childcare facities. She also uses poor driving skills as a reason to avoid a commute but if earning would be able to afford a better car and wouldnt have to live on the doorstep.Driving skills improve with experience.

So in one way I am thinking MIL should behave better but in another I am thinking softly softly. If b/f stood to inherit a few pubs and a farm thats not a bad life either.

My inclination is to think that the OP should not be pushed into a corner and rush things as there is no hurry.

So now she is finished they need to work out life plans and there is a part of me saying that the mother in law thinks " Sonnyboy you are living with an eternal student in a grubby flat with a child and dont have a pot to p*** in and are relying on handouts from home".

Show some empathy as the woman grew up in a different era.

CDfm

seamus wrote: »

Because a lot of people do that too (though far less!). A lot of people see college as a time for getting drunk, being young and finishing off with a couple of exams - they don't really understand the effort required to get a PhD (or even a masters), they think it's just a matter of being a student for another couple of years.

But one thing the OP hasnt posted about is her job prospects and maybe the MIL is worried about them that way

flibbertyjibbet

[quote=[Deleted User];63782111]I agree, but she didn't just do Arts at UCD, she has completed a PhD. People do not generally do them just for the laugh, they take a lot of time, hard work and dedication. I cannot understand how on earth the boyfriend thought someone with a doctorate would be aiming to work in the local pub.[/quote]

That's pretty offensive, no degree is just "done for a laugh," they all involve stress and hard work in order to get a good, successful result even a "meagre" Arts degree at UCD :rolleyes: Condescending much? This is probably the same tone and attitude that the OP gets from her MIL and boyfriend.

CDfm

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

That's pretty offensive, no degree is just "done for a laugh," they all involve stress and hard work in order to get a good, successful result even a "meagre" Arts degree at UCD :rolleyes: Condescending much? This is probably the same tone and attitude that the OP gets from her MIL and boyfriend.

And thats the point -will the PHd make her money???? and how much??

Ickle Magoo

CDfm wrote: »

But one thing the OP hasnt posted about is her job prospects and maybe the MIL is worried about them that way

where to go wrote: »

...last time I stayed there she told me I was a disgrace for not staying home with our DD...

:eek:

Different era she may be - though I know plenty of women from her generation who are well qualified and worked for a living while doing their bit to raise a happy and successful family - she sounds more horrified that the OP has job prospects at all than what level of job prospect she can expect with a biochemistry based PHd.

Moomoo1

seamus wrote: »

In many places and for some people, college is seen as a right of passage. College is something that you do before you go off and get a real job and a life. For a lot of people, it's not seen as "preparation" for this real job, it's just something that's the done thing. Hence why so many people leave Irish colleges with Arts or Science degrees and end up working in financial services or something equally unrelated to their degree.

There's a long tradition in farming, for example, where the farmer's son heads off to the local university, spends four years partying and getting a good solid degree, and then arriving back to work on the family farm. Not that farm work is for the uneducated, but the son could equally have just started working on the farm without going to college.

This may be what happened in the OP's case. He saw college as just what was done, and then once it was done, you'd get onto the real life stuff of moving home and setting up a life. He probably hadn't considered that you might want to apply your degree and work in your chosen field. Many people don't.

Hopefully he does now understand that you want to go ahead with your career and you don't want to spend your time working a menial job and being a housewife.

College - I agree with you.

But a PhD is totally different.

flibbertyjibbet

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

That's pretty offensive, no degree is just "done for a laugh," they all involve stress and hard work in order to get a good, successful result even a "meagre" Arts degree at UCD :rolleyes: Condescending much? This is probably the same tone and attitude that the OP gets from her MIL and boyfriend.

I just knew I'd get a response like that even though I thought it was clear what my point was. I did an arts degree myself, I know it can be a lot of work. But you're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think loads of people don't enroll in college for the hell of it, party their way through, scrape a 2:2 (not difficult if you're of average intelligence) and never use it again. I have been giving grinds to people like this for the last 5 years. Obviously the majority of students aren't like this, but the 'let's go to college for the hell of it' brigade definitely exists in Ireland, largely because most students aren't funding their own studies. People like this do not go on to do a postgrad and if they do, they end up dropping out. You need to be seriously motivated to compete a PhD, it's not something you do for the sake of it or to put off getting a 'real job' for longer. People sometimes do undergrad degrees just for the 'college experience' and then get a job in the family business or on the farm. I'd say that's fairly common in rural communities. That's not the case with doctorates. Sure, some people might end up working in pubs, but I highly doubt they aim for that when they're slogging away writing their thesis. It seems that the OP's boyfriend doesn't understand the huge leap between a BA and a PhD.

BraziliaNZ

I can't believe a mother in law would have any gripes with a hard working girl who has a PHD, jesus, my parents would probably throw rose petals in front of any girl I had with a PHD! Might make up for me being such a disappointment

flibbertyjibbet

But you're living in cloud cuckoo land if you think loads of people don't enroll in college for the hell of it
but the 'let's go to college for the hell of it' brigade definitely exists in Ireland

I assure you I am not living in cloud cuckoo land :pac: but I totally agree with you on the rest of that point.
But all these people who just go to college "for the hell of it" and just end up dropping out, don't just choose to do "Arts at UCD." I agree that nowadays it's almost expected that people will go onto college after school and this had led to a change in attitude.

I have friends from all different backrounds who went to college after school, not just the ones who had their parents funding them, and many of these had also not thought it out properly. They went mainly because it's the done thing, or an off the cuff comment from a teacher, or a mild interest in the subject, but they weren't highly motivated either, even though they were receiving government grants or student loans.

When asked what they wanted to do when they finished, they weren't sure, they also didn't research exactly what the course would involve, and this is clear by the fact that most became disillusioned, their expectations where completely thrown and most of them dropped out or transferred to another course. I'm not saying they were lazy either, it could be naivitée, not knowing what making an informed decision involves, immaturity- many different factors.

On the other hand, I have friends who had their parents funding them through college, and were really committed - (one guy used to be disappointed if he got a 97! and received an award from the college at graduation) -They also feel guilty and do appreciate how lucky they are.

My point is, that although there is a "let's go to college for the hell of it brigade" and although funding yourself is a massive incentive for motivation and commitment, I've seen both sides and you can't box everyone into one category such as "people who are funded by their parents don't do postgrads or if they do, they drop out" "people who are funded by their parents don't take it seriously" "people who fund themselves know exactly what they're doing and where they're going and are totally committed."

I thought it was clear what my point was

I do understand the point you're trying to make, it is a huge amount of hard work to get a PHD, I'm not denying that at all, but you made your point clear and then came this generalised and condescending example, the kind that the MIL probably buys into. I was just saying that the OP probably gets the same tone from her MIL, "you can sit around all day studying but my son is working hard from home while also looking after the baby."

flibbertyjibbet

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

I do understand the point you're trying to make, it is a huge amount of hard work to get a PHD, I'm not denying that at all, but you made your point clear and then came this generalised and condescending example, the kind that the MIL probably buys into. I was just saying that the OP probably gets the same tone from her MIL, "you can sit around all day studying but my son is working hard from home while also looking after the baby."

Yes I know what you mean, but what I was trying to say is, it's one thing to assume someone is doing a BA for the sake of it (even though that in itself is unfair) but it's absolutely crazy to think someone would go to all the trouble of doing a PhD and then be happy to pull pints all day. It seems like the boyfriend genuinely can't see what the problem is with that. There does seem to have been a lack of communication along the way - he assumed she'd finish the studies and go 'home' while she never had any intention of doing so. Without knowing what field OP is in and if the PhD is of any practical use, it's hard to comment any further, really.

LegacyUser

where to go wrote: »

Also as I had funding for my Phd

Where did the funding come from? I expect funds are issued to people who are expected to use it so why are you just happy with a basic lab job??? You have basically taken someone elses place on that PHD track just to have the qualification and not use it?

avalon68

notusingit wrote: »

Where did the funding come from? I expect funds are issued to people who are expected to use it so why are you just happy with a basic lab job??? You have basically taken someone elses place on that PHD track just to have the qualification and not use it?

Thats a bit harsh. Everybody doing a science PhD is funded - i.e. they are given a wage with which to survive for the 4 years of the PhD. A basic lab job can simply imply doing basic research ie bench based, not management etc. And a PhD qualification can be used in many ways - just because someone chooses to do a science PhD at 21-22 yrs of age does not mean they have to be a slave to science at the end of it

LegacyUser

notusingit wrote: »

Where did the funding come from? I expect funds are issued to people who are expected to use it so why are you just happy with a basic lab job??? You have basically taken someone elses place on that PHD track just to have the qualification and not use it?

OP here again:

Woah, I never said I wasn't going to use it! I want to stay in science until the time comes to bury me It's not the easiest market out there for a job at the moment, so I'd take any thing relative to give me more experience. I was funded by private company that unfortunatly went bust last year but I had some money saved which held me over, particularly since the last year was mostly stats and writing up. It is a possibility that I'll be seen as over qualified for jobs, but hopefully my choice of modules in my degree and work experience will get me onto the job ladder.

I think it was the fact my bf doesn't understand my research, and never sees me working on it (I do all my work in the lab or my office) so maybe he doesn't understand how hard it was. He was one of those who went to college for a while, drank a lot, went to society parties etc, did sports but forgot to attend class ;D I was the same for the 2 years in college he knew me, but I focused and worked hard for my last 2 years.

magneticimpulse

Good luck OP. Its difficult out there at the moment. You think whats the point? I had recent interview and have all the qualifications (nearly Chemistry PhD) and work experience (4 years industry) and was still rejected for a job today. Had to go to the dole office today. Since ive been a student abroad I wont even get full benefits. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered my arse putting in all this work and effort to end up on the dole

flibbertyjibbet

[quote=[Deleted User];63785667]Yes I know what you mean, but what I was trying to say is, it's one thing to assume someone is doing a BA for the sake of it (even though that in itself is unfair) but it's absolutely crazy to think someone would go to all the trouble of doing a PhD and then be happy to pull pints all day. It seems like the boyfriend genuinely can't see what the problem is with that. There does seem to have been a lack of communication along the way - he assumed she'd finish the studies and go 'home' while she never had any intention of doing so. Without knowing what field OP is in and if the PhD is of any practical use, it's hard to comment any further, really.[/quote]

Yeah, I think there was just a misunderstanding about the comment but I agree with the rest of what you're saying about the communication breakdown somewhere along the way.

OP would it help if you let him see something that you're working on? Or ask him to help you with writing something up so that he could see for himself what you're working through, how hard you worked to get where you are and that it would be ridiculous to not use it?!

Also, maybe you could move to Cork or Tralee for a year or two, see how things work out with you finding a job and him being able to see his family and if he's still unhappy maybe another solution could be settled on? this way your daughter would still be young enough not to be too unsettled by the move.

Moomoo1

notusingit wrote: »

Where did the funding come from? I expect funds are issued to people who are expected to use it so why are you just happy with a basic lab job??? You have basically taken someone elses place on that PHD track just to have the qualification and not use it?

a 'basic lab job' is what most people do after the PhD whilst waiting for bigger and better things to turn up. Especially in the current climate.

Having kids doesn't make things easy, but what can you do...

Moomoo1

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I can't believe a mother in law would have any gripes with a hard working girl who has a PHD, jesus, my parents would probably throw rose petals in front of any girl I had with a PHD! Might make up for me being such a disappointment

It ain't so clear-cut, a career of this sort is very time-consuming and unpredictable, which often results in the other partner's interests having to be subservient to such a career as well. Doubly so with a child involved.

Add to this the fact that anti-intellectualism is very widespread in the anglo-irish society (amounting in most cases to a deep mistrust of anything one cannot understand), and you can see the picture: the mother probably thinks that the OP abandoned her traditional role in the family in order to pursue something that to her makes little sense, and to the family makes little money (at least at first).

CDfm

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered my arse putting in all this work and effort to end up on the dole

You put the effort in thinking it would be your passport for more money and didnt foresee there would not be a demand for it.

You also got the validation from your peers for being academically brighter than them.

OP here wrote: »

OP here again:

Woah, I never said I wasn't going to use it! I want to stay in science until the time comes to bury me It's not the easiest market out there for a job at the moment .... It is a possibility that I'll be seen as over qualified for jobs, but hopefully my choice of modules in my degree and work experience will get me onto the job ladder.

So adopt a more flexible approach until the market improves. The job market is totally outside your control at the moment. I mean it doesnt look like you have looked into where there might be transferable skills for your job outside the pharmaceutical market. Have you looked into the food processing and agricutural services businesses for work.

I know plenty of people who were earning 80 to 100k last year who are now on the dole.

Maybe your MIL & BF dont understand your research and they dont have to. They do understand making a living.

I think it was the fact my bf doesn't understand my research, and never sees me working on it (I do all my work in the lab or my office) so maybe he doesn't understand how hard it was. He was one of those who went to college for a while, drank a lot, went to society parties etc, did sports but forgot to attend class ;D I was the same for the 2 years in college he knew me, but I focused and worked hard for my last 2 years.

You are passionate about science but for now science is not paying the bills.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

It ain't so clear-cut, a career of this sort is very time-consuming and unpredictable, which often results in the other partner's interests having to be subservient to such a career as well. Doubly so with a child involved.

THats hardly very satisfying for the partner or child.

Add to this the fact that anti-intellectualism is very widespread in the anglo-irish society (amounting in most cases to a deep mistrust of anything one cannot understand), and you can see the picture: the mother probably thinks that the OP abandoned her traditional role in the family in order to pursue something that to her makes little sense, and to the family makes little money (at least at first).

I doubt there is anything as deep as anti intellectualism.

I think its more reality and having a better stanard of living all around.

Its about time that the OP showsv what she can do.

Moomoo1

CDfm wrote: »

You put the effort in thinking it would be your passport for more money and didnt foresee there would not be a demand for it.

You also got the validation from your peers for being academically brighter than them.

What? People don't do PhD's to make more money, or for validation. People do PhD's because they love studying, and love their subject. Also because the work is a lot more intellectually rewarding than in jobs whose sole aim is to make money.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

What? People don't do PhD's to make more money, or for validation. People do PhD's because they love studying, and love their subject. Also because the work is a lot more intellectually rewarding than in jobs whose sole aim is to make money.

But the OP has reponsibilities to the other people who share her life.

wolfpawnat

OP, you have to choose what is right for you and your daughter. I am a mother too and I will be going back to college soon. and I got the same from my MIL about staying at home with my DS.

But you cannot settle for a life that you do not want. I am not talking down more rural areas or bar jobs, but if they are not what you want in life then keep to your own plan. Your daughter deserves to come from a family that has reached its full potential.

You cannot ask him to be miserable for you to have your dream, but damn it he cannot expect you to do it for him either. Sit down and tell him you are not happy with that idea and for your daughter you are going to do what you can for her and if that means staying in Cork then so be it!

CDfm

wolfpawnat wrote: »

You cannot ask him to be miserable for you to have your dream, but damn it he cannot expect you to do it for him either. Sit down and tell him you are not happy with that idea and for your daughter you are going to do what you can for her and if that means staying in Cork then so be it!

But the boyfriend is the caregiver and main earner here.

Moving to or commuting from and between Cork and Kerry isnt a huge deal.

Moomoo1

CDfm wrote: »

But the boyfriend is the caregiver and main earner here.

So? He is also much more flexible than she is, in that he doesn't have such a rigid career path.

CDfm wrote: »

Moving to or commuting from and between Cork and Kerry isnt a huge deal.

it is a huge deal if you have a kid...

Ickle Magoo

There has to be a compromise but sacrificing happiness or success just leads to resentment and ultimately misery for everyone.

They have to lay their cards out on the table and thrash out a compromise. If the OP doesn't want to move or pull pints in a bar or live with her mother-in-law she's perfectly entitled to state that, refuse even. Discussing their short and long term plans, hopes and aims and finding a resolution that suits everyone as much as possible is the only way it's going to work.

CDfm

wolfpawnat wrote: »

OP, you have to choose what is right for you and your daughter.

You cannot ask him to be miserable for you to have your dream, but damn it he cannot expect you to do it for him either. Sit down and tell him you are not happy with that idea and for your daughter you are going to do what you can for her and if that means staying in Cork then so be it!

The OP is not the caregiver or main earner.

But the OP for all her education has no idea how to make a living or what her resposibility is.

So while thje MIL may be a monster she has a point on the lack of money coming in and their inability to earn money.

Ickle Magoo

CDfm wrote: »

So while thje MIL may be a monster she has a point on the lack of money coming in and their inability to earn money.

I fail to see how staying home with her daughter and not being a disgrace is going to boost her earning potential.