Can I have objective opinions please

LegacyUser

hi everyone, this situation is not an emergency one, I am no longer in any danger but I would like to hear what you think about this. It's something I am still unsure of. I often feel so guilty for thinking it was a big deal but yet I still haven't forgotten so I think it must be an issue.
Between the ages of 10 - 11 roughly, I can't be exact, I forgot it for a long time somehow. I was often in the company of a teenage boy. He was 15 or 16 and was a relative of my cousin, who was also my age. Even at my young age I hated this guy, he freaked me out so much and made me nervous. His actions towards me seemed to be done purposely to scare me and to get a reaction but also, I think, to try and disgust me which he certainly did at one point. I do not want to insult this boy as I know he was very young and probably confused but I do feel that he was wrong.
One way he used to pester me was by telling me he loved me. I used to recoil at it and he thought it was funny. Even if the room was full of adults he'd subtly lip synch it to me and I couldn't react because there were people around. He also used to pull his trousers down around me but I'd look away. He'd laugh the whole time because to him it was funny. Another thing he used to do when no adults were about was push me face first against a wall and rub up behind me. I hated this a lot! I used to dread him doing it but can't remember why I didn't hit him or push him or do anything at all except be disgusted but carry on playing and watching tv. I don't know why I reacted that way, maybe it was my age and the fact that he laughed about it and I didn't realise that I would have been right to show the adults how disgusted I was. Like I know I was young but I can honestly say this fella made my skin crawl, even then. He acted really camp, was obsessed with pop singers and always commented on their bodies etc (as young lads do) but he'd relate it back to me, saying he loved me etc.
If he was handing me a spoon or fork he'd lick it first but swear he didn't. Also, at the table I'd kneel up on the chair instead of having my feet hanging because he'd run his foot up and down my leg, again I'd imagine to get a reaction.
He often made references to stripping around me and at night once he held a blanket over my face and lay on top of me. By two younger cousins were there are told him to cop on and he let me go but I honestly couldn't breathe and I remember begging my cousins to sleep beside me so he couldn't.
I don't know what to call this, was it bullying? Or was it just him being a young lad? I feel so guilty for being affected by it but it does bother me, I hate when I feel objectified by men. I'm uncomfortable when guys express an interest in me, I think they are insincere and do not really like me. Even when my ex boyfriend said he loved me, a part of me felt rage at it because I thought he wasn't being honest. And to be honest, he wasn't because he went and cheated on me and hurt and disrespected me terribly. But I'm 21 now, a long time has passed since the guy pestered me so I should be forgetting it and I do honestly forgive him. I think he was very messed up. He even lied when he was 18 about a make believe gf having a miscarriage. I know he had problems and I do forgive him.

My question is if I am being a bitch by even acknowledging this? I know it wasn't abuse like you see on the news. Everything that happened was over my clothes. But now that I'm older and I've had a sexual relationship and the heartbreak of my first love cheating on me I feel that perhaps I did let this affect me too much. I shouldn't feel offended when somebody likes me. I get a lot of male attention but for some reason I can't take them seriously, I think they are insincere and that they just want something off me. I feel objectified far too easily, if I can even explain it as in, I feel like prey. Given the way my ex treated me, and that was 3 years ago now, and I let that affect me so badly and somehow made a connection between that betrayal and the hurt caused by the guy when I was young, I wonder if it has affected me beyond normality? Am I just over sensitive?

I've hurt over my ex for years now and it's time I let that go but I wonder if it's lingered so long because of this guy in my childhood? I just find it noteworthy that I felt so annoyed by my own boyfriend saying he loved me because of the other guy. Sorry if this seems trivial to real abuse victims I hope I havent upset you I just want to understand it a bit more.

Denerick

OP, you were sexually molested and you shouldn't for a second belittle this. Its good that you have 'forgiven' him, but clearly the emotional and pyschological scars are there. He was 15/16... Old enough to know what he was doing was wrong. I think you should see a counsellor about this and ask them what you should do. I'm not sure there would be much point in going down a legal route, but do certainly talk this stuff over with a professional.

Black Magic

You need to see a doctor.

kjl

Devils advocate here op,

I do feel that this may have been a traumatizing thing for you to experience when you were younger, but you are older now and it's not really a big deal, when you put everything out like that is sounds bad, but what did he really do to upset you, told you he loved you, play flighted with you. You should know at this stage that teenagers are quite immature and this seems more like horse play to me than any kind of sexual intent. I would also feel that your negative emotions towards this guy probably highlighted these incidents in your mind. You said it yourself, he freaked you out even from a young age.

It seems to me that you still have feelings for your ex but remember, he cheated on you, I feel that you are blaming yourself for the fact that he cheated, looking for flaws that are not there. You are only 21, I am sure you will meet many people in your life who will make you feel happy and sad, but come on, trying to blame you insecurities on some guy who used to mess with you as a kid, sure it might be a small case of bullying but nothing you couldn't get over. You can see he obviously had problems.

The reason you are probably not over your ex is because you probably never got closure, and maybe you are trying and blame something else for the end of the relationship, but be very careful when you are throwing around sexual harassment claims, that kind of thing could scar a guy for life. I think the only a.s.s hole in your story is your ex, and remember that,

If I'm way off the mark I'm sorry to offend.

cafecolour

Having low self-esteem often leads to one believing any one who claims to like them must be lying (cause how could someone that cool like someone as obviously f**ked as you?)

Low self-esteem would especially be exacerbated by your previous boyfriend's behaviour, as he then validated everything you feared.

So I'd go to counseling to work on overall self-esteem and trust issues.

As to this bit with the lad - yes, bullying definitely contributes to low self-esteem. But I'd be careful of fixating on any one 'reason' when reality isn't that simple.

Denerick

Eh... what? This was clearly more than bullying. The OP was 10/11, and a 15/16 year old man got his cock out in front of them regularly, felt her up under the table, rubbed himself up behind her when forcing her against the wall. Get your perspectives right people, its attitudes like this that makes me think this country has a ****ed up attitude towards sex.

spurious

kjl wrote: »

Devils advocate here op,
<snip>
I do feel that this may have been a traumatizing thing for you to experience when you were younger, but you are older now and it's not really a big deal,
<snip>
If I'm way off the mark I'm sorry to offend.

Unfortunately this is the 'Irish' way of dealing with abuse.

You were molested OP, it was not your fault. You knew it was wrong at the time.
I second the counselling recommendations.

Ickle Magoo

kjl wrote: »

I think the only a.s.s hole in your story is your ex, and remember that,

A 16 year old young man pinning an 11 year old girl up face-first against the wall and rubbing up against her isn't an a$$hole? That's terrifying. :eek::eek::eek::(

OP,

Make an appointment with a psychologist or therapist specialising in sexual abuse and talk to them. Abusers traditionally put themselves in a position of trust and can then confuse and scare their victims to the point that they aren't even sure they were abused. I would be horrified if my daughter told me what you have, it certainly isn't nothing and a 16 year old definitely knows it is very wrong. Get some help so you can move on & find a way of dealing with what happened to you. Best of luck.

Warfi

lookback wrote: »

hi everyone, this situation is not an emergency one, I am no longer in any danger but I would like to hear what you think about this. It's something I am still unsure of. I often feel so guilty for thinking it was a big deal but yet I still haven't forgotten so I think it must be an issue.
Between the ages of 10 - 11 roughly, I can't be exact, I forgot it for a long time somehow. I was often in the company of a teenage boy. He was 15 or 16 and was a relative of my cousin, who was also my age. Even at my young age I hated this guy, he freaked me out so much and made me nervous. His actions towards me seemed to be done purposely to scare me and to get a reaction but also, I think, to try and disgust me which he certainly did at one point. I do not want to insult this boy as I know he was very young and probably confused but I do feel that he was wrong.
One way he used to pester me was by telling me he loved me. I used to recoil at it and he thought it was funny. Even if the room was full of adults he'd subtly lip synch it to me and I couldn't react because there were people around. He also used to pull his trousers down around me but I'd look away. He'd laugh the whole time because to him it was funny. Another thing he used to do when no adults were about was push me face first against a wall and rub up behind me. I hated this a lot! I used to dread him doing it but can't remember why I didn't hit him or push him or do anything at all except be disgusted but carry on playing and watching tv. I don't know why I reacted that way, maybe it was my age and the fact that he laughed about it and I didn't realise that I would have been right to show the adults how disgusted I was. Like I know I was young but I can honestly say this fella made my skin crawl, even then. He acted really camp, was obsessed with pop singers and always commented on their bodies etc (as young lads do) but he'd relate it back to me, saying he loved me etc.
If he was handing me a spoon or fork he'd lick it first but swear he didn't. Also, at the table I'd kneel up on the chair instead of having my feet hanging because he'd run his foot up and down my leg, again I'd imagine to get a reaction.
He often made references to stripping around me and at night once he held a blanket over my face and lay on top of me. By two younger cousins were there are told him to cop on and he let me go but I honestly couldn't breathe and I remember begging my cousins to sleep beside me so he couldn't.
I don't know what to call this, was it bullying? Or was it just him being a young lad? I feel so guilty for being affected by it but it does bother me, I hate when I feel objectified by men. I'm uncomfortable when guys express an interest in me, I think they are insincere and do not really like me. Even when my ex boyfriend said he loved me, a part of me felt rage at it because I thought he wasn't being honest. And to be honest, he wasn't because he went and cheated on me and hurt and disrespected me terribly. But I'm 21 now, a long time has passed since the guy pestered me so I should be forgetting it and I do honestly forgive him. I think he was very messed up. He even lied when he was 18 about a make believe gf having a miscarriage. I know he had problems and I do forgive him.

My question is if I am being a bitch by even acknowledging this? I know it wasn't abuse like you see on the news. Everything that happened was over my clothes. But now that I'm older and I've had a sexual relationship and the heartbreak of my first love cheating on me I feel that perhaps I did let this affect me too much. I shouldn't feel offended when somebody likes me. I get a lot of male attention but for some reason I can't take them seriously, I think they are insincere and that they just want something off me. I feel objectified far too easily, if I can even explain it as in, I feel like prey. Given the way my ex treated me, and that was 3 years ago now, and I let that affect me so badly and somehow made a connection between that betrayal and the hurt caused by the guy when I was young, I wonder if it has affected me beyond normality? Am I just over sensitive?

I've hurt over my ex for years now and it's time I let that go but I wonder if it's lingered so long because of this guy in my childhood? I just find it noteworthy that I felt so annoyed by my own boyfriend saying he loved me because of the other guy. Sorry if this seems trivial to real abuse victims I hope I havent upset you I just want to understand it a bit more.

I don't think what happened to you was trivial. You were subjected to something you didn't want, you had no control over the situation. Doesn't matter what age, sex, colour, size etc you are, if you lose control and don't feel safe it's a very frightening experience. I doubt you would have posted here describing what happened in the past if it didn't affect you in some way now. You're the expert on what makes you happy/sad etc, so listen to what you're saying to yourself.

It happened when you were younger, and it's possible for things like this to lay under the surface until you are ready to face up to it. You sound like a very kind person who understands that people aren't black and white, that maybe this guy had his problems and just because he did what he did, doesn't mean that he's evil. This'll go a long way to helping you get through your memories and feelings of this time. Maybe all you need now is to take another step and talk to somebody you trust about it, whether it's family, a friend or a doctor.

All the best

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Devils advocate here op,

I do feel that this may have been a traumatizing thing for you to experience when you were younger, but you are older now and it's not really a big deal, when you put everything out like that is sounds bad, but what did he really do to upset you, told you he loved you, play flighted with you. You should know at this stage that teenagers are quite immature and this seems more like horse play to me than any kind of sexual intent. I would also feel that your negative emotions towards this guy probably highlighted these incidents in your mind. You said it yourself, he freaked you out even from a young age.

It seems to me that you still have feelings for your ex but remember, he cheated on you, I feel that you are blaming yourself for the fact that he cheated, looking for flaws that are not there. You are only 21, I am sure you will meet many people in your life who will make you feel happy and sad, but come on, trying to blame you insecurities on some guy who used to mess with you as a kid, sure it might be a small case of bullying but nothing you couldn't get over. You can see he obviously had problems.

The reason you are probably not over your ex is because you probably never got closure, and maybe you are trying and blame something else for the end of the relationship, but be very careful when you are throwing around sexual harassment claims, that kind of thing could scar a guy for life. I think the only a.s.s hole in your story is your ex, and remember that,

If I'm way off the mark I'm sorry to offend.

I think you are way off the mark and it is offensive to the OP and other sexual abuse survivors, its a dangerous comment to put out, because sexual abuse is confusing and you do have a lot of self doubt about it,

judging her like you have is not very constructive to her at this time because she may just be trying to understand it for the first time herself, the best advice is to acknowledge the OP's issue and tell her she needs to get support for it, I myself worked through sexual abuse with a trained psychotherapist where in a safe environment i was able to get the clarity that i needed, one thing i now do is trust my instincts, OP listen to your instincts on this trust yourself, the clarity and truth will set you free.

No one has the right to sexually cross your boundaries, if you are still haunted by this experience it is important to process it.

Can you talk to a family member, get some support on it?

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

but come on, trying to blame you insecurities on some guy who used to mess with you as a kid

I'm not trying to blame him. I understand that he had problems and was probably confused.

kjl wrote: »

be very careful when you are throwing around sexual harassment claims, that kind of thing could scar a guy for life.

I didn't accuse him of sexual harassment. I was too young to know what that even meant. All I did was start to make excuses not to be around him, I'd fake being sick so I wouldn't have to stay with him and gradually I seen him less and less. I never tried to make him feel bad about it and I am being careful, it's years later and I specifically said in my post that I feel guilty for thinking badly of him when he was probably just a confused boy.
In relation to scarring a guy for life with my claims, this thread is about my own scars.


To everyone else who posted here, thank you very much. I'm sad to read that there are other people here who've had similar feelings.
Just to add, my parents found out when I was young all because my dad overheard me and my cousins saying how stupid he was for pulling his trousers down. My Dad freaked out, screamed, shouted, went absolutely mental and I felt so embarrassed, especially after being shouted at. So I never really said anything else about it. Again, now that I'm older I understand that he was just shocked and wanted me to understand that the guy was wrong.

I have had counselling already, over a suicide in my family but while I was there this stuff was also mentioned. My counsellor said she believed it was sexual and emotional abuse and afterwards I was fine, I felt good to know that there was a name for this thing that had been constantly in my mind. In reference to the quoted bit above, even after counselling I still never accused him of sexual harassment. I never did anything bad to him and I've only told a handful of people and even regret that.

I honestly feel okay now about it, I know it was bad behaviour on his part and not mine, I just wanted to know if the normal, general public would think I'm stupid for being hurt by it. I think I will try to see a counsellor again as it has caused problems for me since, like with my ex boyfriend. I even told him about what happened but it was the same day I found out he cheated and he was angry at me for finding out and he dumped me the same day so I didn't really get to speak to him about it and I'm embarrassed now that he knows too. I find when someone belittles what happened I feel guilty like I'm wrong to suggest that guy did something wrong. So maybe some counselling now will help me with my self esteem and not to feel so guilty. I make myself feel bad about acknowledging that the guy was wrong. And I allow myself to take the blame for my boyfriend cheating so I think the self esteem probably is something to be worked on. Since, logically, I know underneath it all that neither could really have been my fault. Thanks again for the encouraging replies. I'm so glad to read them.

How do I find a counsellor without having to go to my doctor?

WriterofDreams

[FONT=&quot]

kjl wrote: »

Devils advocate here op,

I do feel that this may have been a traumatizing thing for you to experience when you were younger, but you are older now and it's not really a big deal, when you put everything out like that is sounds bad, but what did he really do to upset you, told you he loved you, play flighted with you. You should know at this stage that teenagers are quite immature and this seems more like horse play to me than any kind of sexual intent. I would also feel that your negative emotions towards this guy probably highlighted these incidents in your mind. You said it yourself, he freaked you out even from a young age.

It seems to me that you still have feelings for your ex but remember, he cheated on you, I feel that you are blaming yourself for the fact that he cheated, looking for flaws that are not there. You are only 21, I am sure you will meet many people in your life who will make you feel happy and sad, but come on, trying to blame you insecurities on some guy who used to mess with you as a kid, sure it might be a small case of bullying but nothing you couldn't get over. You can see he obviously had problems.

The reason you are probably not over your ex is because you probably never got closure, and maybe you are trying and blame something else for the end of the relationship, but be very careful when you are throwing around sexual harassment claims, that kind of thing could scar a guy for life. I think the only a.s.s hole in your story is your ex, and remember that,

If I'm way off the mark I'm sorry to offend.

Kjl I know you mean your comments sincerely but you are way off the mark. I am a survivor of abuse and I know one of the huge stumbling blocks to getting over it is the attitude of other people that it "wasn't that bad, wasn't a big deal." All that attitude does is to make you feel like you're a freak for feeling bad and condemns you to handling your hurt fear and shame on your own.

Imagine kjl, that you had a younger sister or a daughter who was being terrorised in this way. That a guy was pushing her up against a wall and rubbing himself on her, was exposing himself to her. Would you tell her it was nothing? That she should protect her poor abuser by not making a big deal out of it? I really hope not.

Just for a moment kjl imagine you were in a situation where a person was constantly demeaning you, touching you, showing you their genitals, and you weren't able to do a damn thing about it. Has anyone ever touched you without your permission? Do you know how that feels? If it happens to you just once (and I sincerely hope it never does) you will know that it makes you feel sick, dirty and out of control. It doesn't matter if clothes are on or off, that's not the issue. The issue is that someone has so little respect for you and your personal space that they can just put their hands on you or press their body against you in whatever way they feel like it. The loss of dignity and respect that you feel in that situation stays with you for a long time.

Abuse isn't about sex, it's about feeling out of control, feeling used and helpless. These are all things the OP felt in relation to this person.

OP what happened to you was repeated sexual assault. Under British law : A person commits sexual assault if they intentionally touch another person, the touching is sexual and the person does not consent.
http://www.met.police.uk/sapphire/

This is the general legal definition of child sexual abuse:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent abuses a child for sexual stimulation.[8][9] Forms of CSA include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child's genitals, viewing of the child's genitalia without physical contact, or using a child to produce child pornography.[8][10][11][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And an interesting piece from the rape crisis centre says: [/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Rape and/or sexual assault is an act of violence. It is an invasion of the individual's physical and personal integrity. Careful clinical studies show that rape serves primarily non-sexual needs[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
http://www.irishhealth.com/clin/sexual_health/features2.html?artid=4044
It doesn't matter that this guy never tried to have sex with you, his approaches were sexual in nature and were intended to keep you weak and to make you feel humiliated. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]What this guy did to you was abuse, and it is unfortunately natural and normal that it is now affecting you. If someone who repeatedly makes you fearful and attacks you then tells you that they love you this is bound to have an effect on how you see those words. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]OP I am so so sorry this happened to you. It never should have happened and it was wrong. Please don't listen to people who say that this was a long time ago, it was nothing, you should get over it. They are not listening to you. All they are hearing is their own fear and discomfort. They want you to stop talking about it and they don't want to deal with it. If this in on your mind, if it worries you, if you find it hard to talk about and think about then it is a problem regardless of what anyone else thinks.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Do you have a trusted friend that you can talk to about it? Talking about it really does help, it has helped me enormously. Remember however that people can react badly to stories like this. kjl's reaction isn't unusual. Some people will try to belittle what happened, make it seem like you're wrongly accusing this guy. He was 16 and he knew what he was doing was wrong. When I told my mum about what happened to me she completely blew me off. That was worse in some ways than the abuse itself. So be aware that this can happen.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Do try to get help OP. Please feel free to pm me, I am very open to talking about this. Or continue to post here if you find that helpful. It is important to try and work through all of this so that it begins to lose its power over you. It must not rule your life. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I wish you the best of luck.[/FONT]
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kjl

Afriendy wrote: »

I think you are way off the mark and it is offensive to the OP and other sexual abuse survivors, its a dangerous comment to put out, because sexual abuse is confusing and you do have a lot of self doubt about it,

judging her like you have is not very constructive to her at this time because she may just be trying to understand it for the first time herself, the best advice is to acknowledge the OP's issue and tell her she needs to get support for it, I myself worked through sexual abuse with a trained psychotherapist where in a safe environment i was able to get the clarity that i needed, one thing i now do is trust my instincts, OP listen to your instincts on this trust yourself, the clarity and truth will set you free.

No one has the right to sexually cross your boundaries, if you are still haunted by this experience it is important to process it.

Can you talk to a family member, get some support on it?

Please re read her post, she was not sexually abused at all. This guy, sure maybe he was a bit of a jerk, but he didn't not molest her or touch her in an inappropriate way.

This is at best bullying, and if the OP believes that this is the cause for her insecurities fair enough, but don't go throwing around words like sexual abuse when clearly this isn't the case.

What about people who actually were molested or raped as a child, I'm sure they would love to trade places with the OP.

Silverfish

kjl wrote: »

Please re read her post, she was not sexually abused at all. This guy, sure maybe he was a bit of a jerk, but he didn't not molest her or touch her in an inappropriate way.

This is at best bullying, and if the OP believes that this is the cause for her insecurities fair enough, but don't go throwing around words like sexual abuse when clearly this isn't the case.

What about people who actually were molested or raped as a child, I'm sure they would love to trade places with the OP.

I have read the OP several times, and she was touched inappropriately.

I would ask you to either post constructive advice or not post at all, as you seem determined to dismiss the OP's feelings. This is not what this forum is for.

Denerick

kjl wrote: »

Please re read her post, she was not sexually abused at all. This guy, sure maybe he was a bit of a jerk, but he didn't not molest her or touch her in an inappropriate way.

This is at best bullying, and if the OP believes that this is the cause for her insecurities fair enough, but don't go throwing around words like sexual abuse when clearly this isn't the case.

What about people who actually were molested or raped as a child, I'm sure they would love to trade places with the OP.

And this is why victims of sexual abuse find it so hard for people to believe them. Attitudes like this.

Ickle Magoo

lookback wrote: »

How do I find a counsellor without having to go to my doctor?

The HSE offers a free National Counselling Service for anyone who has suffered childhood abuse, you can contact them directly on; 1800 235 234.

Connect is the national adults counselling service, their website is; http://www.connectcounselling.ie/ and the Irish contact number is; 1800 235 235 (freephone)

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Please re read her post, she was not sexually abused at all. This guy, sure maybe he was a bit of a jerk, but he didn't not molest her or touch her in an inappropriate way.

This is at best bullying, and if the OP believes that this is the cause for her insecurities fair enough, but don't go throwing around words like sexual abuse when clearly this isn't the case.

What about people who actually were molested or raped as a child, I'm sure they would love to trade places with the OP.

Are you atually serious with your last comment about trading places, what kind of sicko are you?

You said at the end that 'if you are way off the mark you are sorry to offend', are you really sorry because i think you need to take responsibility for the fact that you are way off the mark.

I myself was not touched physically by my abuser but i have experienced sexual abuse none the less on a terrible scale, are you qualified to know the boundaries of sexual abuse, because you seem to be passing a lot of judgement about it as if you do and you are bypassing people here who actually do have direct experience with it.

In a way you have helped us see the ignorant example of people in denial out there, you have helped us see that your reaction is something we will come across in our society again and again, luckily sexual abuse is becoming more spoken about and the oppression of survivors is getting better but you remind us we still have a long way to go.

Mods need to reprimand you for damaging effects your posting will have, its nothing less than bullying IMO.

Denerick

Afriendy wrote: »

Are you atually serious with your last comment about trading places, what kind of sicko are you?

You said at the end that 'if you are way off the mark you are sorry to offend', are you really sorry because i think you need to take responsibility for the fact that you are way off the mark.

I myself was not touched physically by my abuser but i have experienced sexual abuse none the less on a terrible scale, are you qualified to know the boundaries of sexual abuse, because you seem to be passing a lot of judgement about it as if you do and you are bypassing people here who actually do have direct experience with it.

In a way you have helped us see the ignorant example of people in denial out there, you have helped us see that your reaction is something we will come across in our society again and again, luckily sexual abuse is becoming more spoken about and the oppression of survivors is getting better but you remind us we still have a long way to go.

Mods need to reprimand you for damaging effects your posting will have, its nothing less than bullying IMO.

I think he represents the 1 in 5 people who genuinely don't want these issues to be aired and would rather victims keep their problems to themselves. They don't like hearing about it on the Late Late you see, they don't want that embaressing conversation with relatives on the dinner table. They'd rather the problem just disappeared and was belittled.

OP, **** these people. You were molested, you were traumatised. What happened to you was a tragedy. Don't ever forget that. You need to come to terms with what happened to you.

LegacyUser

Denerick wrote: »

I think he represents the 1 in 5 people who genuinely don't want these issues to be aired and would rather victims keep their problems to themselves. They don't like hearing about it on the Late Late you see, they don't want that embaressing conversation with relatives on the dinner table. They'd rather the problem just disappeared and was belittled.

OP, **** these people. You were molested, you were traumatised. What happened to you was a tragedy. Don't ever forget that. You need to come to terms with what happened to you.

Yes i agree, and i was thinking the same about how here in Ireland sexual abuse has had such a taboo around it, it is down to traditions being kept alive, the church had so much influence on Irish life, I went to group therapy in Dublin for sexual abuse survivors, all the girls were in their 20's, a lot of us who had ousted the abuse in our families had been ostracized from our families and told the abuse simply didnt happen, many of the girls were on anti depressants to cope.

That man on the Late Late, his voice was one that was a long time coming and being expressed, I was delighted to see the impact that he had and i feel i am seeing a shift take place, maybe Ireland has to keep up with other European countries and sexual abuse oppression simply cannot be tolerated in a modern day society anymore.

Im still angered at KJL's comments, we all have a responsibility in society not to let people like that oppress anothers experience like he did, it reminds me of how if you watch bullying you are as bad as the bully.

colly10

kjl wrote: »

Please re read her post, she was not sexually abused at all. This guy, sure maybe he was a bit of a jerk, but he didn't not molest her or touch her in an inappropriate way.

This is at best bullying, and if the OP believes that this is the cause for her insecurities fair enough, but don't go throwing around words like sexual abuse when clearly this isn't the case.

What about people who actually were molested or raped as a child, I'm sure they would love to trade places with the OP.

Maybe you should re read her post, he did touch her without her consent and she was sexually abused. Sure there are worse cases, but the things he done would affect her. When you were younger and much weaker would it bother you if some lad who was much stronger than ye pushed your face up against the wall and rubbed themselves off ye.
I can remember when I was about 16 I was in the room with some of my cousins and an older lad that they knew held me down on the bed and started sucking my ear lobe, it was only for about 10 seconds max and he was just taking the piss but it still freaked the **** out of me at the time cause it made me realise how weak I was then. He was at this girl at the time and she was terrified by him, he was also old enough to know better

Peggypeg

KJL I really find your views offensive, maybe you should move to Listowel, I'd say you'd fit in there.

Hey OP, KJL was completely wrong. You will come across ignorant people like him sometimes but please don't let that stop you from talking. For every ignorant person there's 10 others saying what happened to you was wrong. It was wrong, very wrong, please take the advice of the other people who've experienced this and please see a counsellor to help you with this.

Best of Luck.

kjl

Of course I am truly sorry for people who have been abused and I absolutely agree that people need to speak up about it, but what he did was bullying, not sexual abuse. I had a babysitter who would tickle me for hours and I would beg her to stop, have I been sexually abused too?

How can the OP be offended when she asked for objective opinions?

I did tell people to re read the post.

lookback wrote: »

Even at my young age I hated this guy, he freaked me out so much and made me nervous.

So there was an automatic dislike to this guy, even before any of the bullying happened.

lookback wrote: »

One way he used to pester me was by telling me he loved me.

Nothing sexual there

lookback wrote: »

He also used to pull his trousers down around me but I'd look away. He'd laugh the whole time because to him it was funny.

or there, pulled his trousers down, She did not say he exposed himself. Unless you would like to clarify this one OP. You mentioned later on in your post he talked about stripping, did he ever expose his penis to you?

lookback wrote: »

Another thing he used to do when no adults were about was push me face first against a wall and rub up behind me.

Horseplay at best

lookback wrote: »

If he was handing me a spoon or fork he'd lick it first but swear he didn't. Also, at the table I'd kneel up on the chair instead of having my feet hanging because he'd run his foot up and down my leg, again I'd imagine to get a reaction.

Again, just messing around, the OP even admits that it was just to get a reaction.

lookback wrote: »

at night once he held a blanket over my face and lay on top of me.

ok a bit far, but we have all had to deal with people like this.

lookback wrote: »

But now that I'm older and I've had a sexual relationship and the heartbreak of my first love cheating on me I feel that perhaps I did let this affect me too much.

this is why you are insecure not because of the other incident, if you want to hit the root of the problem here it is. It probably because of your feelings for you ex that you let him off the hook so easily. I know exactly how you feel to OP, my first love cheated on me too and it was heart breaking, but I did get over it and you will too.

If you really feel that this is the soul cause of your shyness with men, then sure by all means go a see a counciler.

Denerick

Are you serious? I can't argue with a mindset like this.

WriterofDreams

Kjl, your latest reply really worries me. It is NOT the case that we have all had, as children, to deal with someone 5 or 6 years older than us pushing us down on a bed, covering us with a blanket and lying on top of us. That is NOT normal behaviour and it makes me very worried that you think it is. Also, how can you say that a grown teenager pushing a small young child up against the wall and rubbing off her is horseplay? Really? I'm assuming you're in your early 20s at most, and probably not much bigger than you were when you were 16. Would you, at your age, push a 10 year old up against a wall and rub off her? Just so you know, rubbing yourself off someone is considered a very serious form of sexual assault known as frottage or frotteurism. It IS very definitely sexual assault and not "just" bullying.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frotteurism

As I mentioned earlier, I was abused as a young child, to the extent that I was raped. However, one of the most traumatic experiences for me was having fingers put in my mouth. Now you might say well that's not sexual, surely rape is worse. Having never experienced it yourself you just can't make that judgement. Having your bodily space invaded in anyway is deeply deeply traumatic and another person cannot stand back and say that it isn't. Please god none of your children ever go through something like this because they won't get much sympathy or understanding out of you.

Black Magic

Don't be feeding the troll.

Silverfish

kjl banned for ignoring moderator warning.


Black Magic, leave the moderating to the mods, if you have an issue with a post, report it. Backseat moderating is not permitted.


I will ask that everyone get back on topic - advising the OP, instead of turning this into a debate or Humanities discussion.

LegacyUser

Denerick, Afriendly, Ickle Magoo, WriterofDreams, Colly10 and Peggypeg, I'm grateful to all of you for posting. Thank you for reading and for taking my post seriously. Thank you to Silverfish for intervening.

I will look into getting counselling. Thank you all for taking the time to give your views and again, I'm sorry to everyone here who's suffered extreme abuse. My intention was not to hurt any of you or to upset you. I know I've been very lucky in what I experienced in comparison to many other unfortunate young kids.
Thank you also for posting those phone numbers. I'm sure there are many people reading this who have been similarly hurt and will find comfort in them.

Can I ask that a moderator of the website please lock this thread? I do not want recent abuse victims reading and feeling disheartened by the opinions expressed because of my thread. I've gotten the info I needed and am very grateful. Thanks again for taking the time to post, you've been very helpful. Thank you.