Should I Contact Him

LegacyUser

So I went on a first date on Wednesday nite and I'm very interested in the guy and I think the date went well but I haven't heard from him since. I have to wait to hear from him don't I? I'm not into rules and all that crap but if the guy is interested he'd contact the girl, right? I was kinda hoping for a happy new year text but maybe its too soon for that.

star-pants

Firstly the date was only wednesday and Newyears can be messy.
Secondly, why is it 'if the guy is interested he'd contact the girl right'?
why not 'if either are interested they'd contact the other' ?

He could be wondering the exact same as you, 'oh she's not been in contact, maybe she's not interested'. Did ye text at all after the date?

LegacyUser

star-pants wrote: »

Firstly the date was only wednesday and Newyears can be messy.
Secondly, why is it 'if the guy is interested he'd contact the girl right'?
why not 'if either are interested they'd contact the other' ?

He could be wondering the exact same as you, 'oh she's not been in contact, maybe she's not interested'. Did ye text at all after the date?

no we didn't text at all after the date and he was great at texting to organise the date but I'm wondering now if he's still interested. I'd expect a text or call the day after the date surely to say 'had a good time' or whatever. I don't want to seem forward or pushy. would that not be a bit off putting?

Eve_Dublin

op.here wrote: »

no we didn't text at all after the date and he was great at texting to organise the date but I'm wondering now if he's still interested. I'd expect a text or call the day after the date surely to say 'had a good time' or whatever. I don't want to seem forward or pushy. would that not be a bit off putting?

Ah girl! Welcome to 2010! Why would you getting in contact with him instead of visa versa be seen as any more "pushy" or "forward"? If he's interested, he's interested and you making contact won't turn him off you. In fact, most men like confident women who know what they want and as Star Pants said, he could be equally as unsure as you. It's hardly the behaviour of a stalker to send him text wishing him a Happy New Year and suggesting you might go out again sometime soon. Bite the bullet and do something you've never done before in this new year!

star-pants

op.here wrote: »

no we didn't text at all after the date and he was great at texting to organise the date but I'm wondering now if he's still interested. I'd expect a text or call the day after the date surely to say 'had a good time' or whatever. I don't want to seem forward or pushy. would that not be a bit off putting?

But he might be expecting the same from you?
If I went on a date and by the time I'd gotten home I'd not heard anything, I'd drop a text saying 'Hey just home safe now, thanks for a lovely evening, had fun ' or maybe ending in hoping they got home ok / would be nice to do again etc.. whatever suits.

But no qualms in texting the guy first, it's not seen as pushy or anything. If he's nervous like you are, he might say to himself the same things you are, and was awaiting a text from you. You'll not know til you try.

Heck send him one now saying Happy New Years, hope you'd a good one, btw thanks for the other night I had fun. Or something along those lines. If he doesn't text back by tomorrow / seems very short in his text, leave him to it. But give it a go - it's definitely not pushy.

LegacyUser

If a guy is interested he will contact. Maybe not what we would like to hear and others will say be proactive but you are wasting your time. If the guy does not make contact he is just not intrested. No interested guy is sitting at home wondering why you haven't texted if you have already been on a date. If he hasn't made contact by now, he is just not that into you.

magneticimpulse

i would have my reservations too. ive been internet dating and some guys will phone me and be really interested...but then others it seems like im forcing contact upon them. i do feel pushy and stalker like if i send a text every now and again and its always me sending the text. i think if guys like you, it doesnt feel like you are making the effort all the time!!! there has to be a balance....50/50 contact. I dont think it should be 100% one or the other who initiates contact all the time.

Eve_Dublin

magneticimpulse wrote: »

i would have my reservations too. ive been internet dating and some guys will phone me and be really interested...but then others it seems like im forcing contact upon them. i do feel pushy and stalker like if i send a text every now and again and its always me sending the text. i think if guys like you, it doesnt feel like you are making the effort all the time!!! there has to be a balance....50/50 contact. I dont think it should be 100% one or the other who initiates contact all the time.

Absolutely agreed but nothing wrong with the OP getting in touch to get the ball rolling.

LegacyUser

move on wrote: »

If a guy is interested he will contact. Maybe not what we would like to hear and others will say be proactive but you are wasting your time. If the guy does not make contact he is just not intrested. No interested guy is sitting at home wondering why you haven't texted if you have already been on a date. If he hasn't made contact by now, he is just not that into you.

FCUK!!! This is exactly what I've been thinking cos he contacted me the day after we met and then the day before our date to organise it so i think that suggests that hes happy enough texting when hes interested. I know hes busy all w-end so he probably won't have the time which is why i thought he'd text today. I was a teensy bit pushy at the end of our date which is why i don't want to seem too forward with the text (eventhough we'd a good laugh and all that during the date, and he held my hand etc).

Magenta

Sorry but in my experience he might just be not that into you.

dearg lady

I think some of you have been reading 'he's not that into you' too much!
Seriously the guy contacted you more than once to go on a date and you feel you can't even send him one little text to see how he is. It'd be different if you'd done all the running but you haven't.

The way I see it is, IF he's decided he's not interested then it doesn't matter if you contact him or not, he still won't be interested. IF on the other hand he is interested, you contacting him will not put him off, or if it does...then he probably wasn't much of a catch!

btw, your woman who co wrote that bloody book is single so maybe take what she says with a pinch of salt

star-pants

Have to say I'm a bit wtf at some people saying it's up to the guy to make the contact.
'oh if the guy hasn't contact you by now then he's not interested'
the OP hasn't contacted him either! so by the same 'rule' then she must not be interested :rolleyes:

OP - text him, if he doesn't respond - what on earth have you got to lose by that? Nothing. Better than wondering 'what if'.

LegacyUser

On foot of this thread I had a chat with my female friends last night, all of whom, have good and plenty of experience of dating. They all agreed, if the guy doesnt contact you then its seldom worth you contacting him cos if he is interested he is in touch...

We have all gone chasing after a date but from our experiences, the relationships that last were started when the guy was very interested and showed it.

If he likes you he will be in touch but given that he has not contacted you to wish you happy new year, its not looking good.

LegacyUser

dearg lady wrote: »

I think some of you have been reading 'he's not that into you' too much!
btw, your woman who co wrote that bloody book is single so maybe take what she says with a pinch of salt

Thank you dearg lady!! That sentence was wrecking my head ffs.

I'm gonna text him cos he has seemed very interested already and why wouldn't I.
Like star-pants says it would seem like theres no interest on either side so feck it, i've nothing to lose.

dellas1979

Not to over analyse this, but I dont think you should contact him.

You are making excuses for him already "he is very busy all weekend so wont have time to contact".

Unless he left planet earth, texting someone or contacting them, if he wanted to, only take 1 minute. Out of a whole 24 hours, 1 minute is nothing if a person wants to contact someone.

There is a book you should read - its called "hes just not that into you". Honest to goodness, it makes alot of sense.

(Most) men like the chase - if you chase him, it gives the impression that he can get away with acting like this. (Some) men are also a little cowardly when it comes to letting a woman down and would prefer just to leave things and leave contact rather than saying "nice date but would prefer to leave it".

I wouldnt take it personally after 1 date. Dont let some fella not contacting you after one date erode self assurance.

Lucyx

dellas1979, did you not read dearg lady's post above??!!! Thats quite funny!!

look just text him, its not a big deal and if you hear nothing back then you know and thats that.......but if you do, then you might have another nice date:D

good luck !!

dellas1979

Hahaha yeah I did read the thread !!

Ive actually read that book (as opposed to someothers who will comment on the book without reading it first), and thought it made a lot of sense.

The advice given to frustrated women daters/women in frustrating relationships going no where is worth every penny IMO.

Is it or is it not true that if a guy *wanted to contact you, he would?

If a guy fancied a girl and wanted to date her, he would move heaven and earth to let her know this.

Why spend your time chasing someone who, "just isnt that into you" when you could be out there finding someone who is.

Edit: I just wanted to add that a fella saying to me basically "I will be too busy to text you or make any effort to have contact with you" for me (only giving my opinion) is a nono. Ok, its the first date and maybe by now youve text him and its all going fine again (because of your effort) but if it happens again youve been warned kiddo.

*Unless he left planet earth, lost his phone, mobile networks crashed, something awful happened him etc.

dearg lady

dellas1979 wrote: »

Ive actually read that book (as opposed to someothers who will comment on the book without reading it first), and thought it made a lot of sense.

The advice given to frustrated women daters/women in frustrating relationships going no where is worth every penny IMO.

I've actually read the book too, and while it's not all nonsense, there's bits of worthwhile advice in there for sure, I think it's ridiculous to expect the man to do all the running and chasing. Shock horror, sometimes men are shy and suffer with self doubt too!

OP, I wouldn't feel you were being pushy by contacting him, and you'll figure out fairly sharpish where you stand too. And as star pants said it's better than wondering what if?

dellas1979

dearg lady wrote: »

I think it's ridiculous to expect the man to do all the running and chasing. Shock horror, sometimes men are shy and suffer with self doubt too! /QUOTE]

Yes, that is true but the OP said that he was really enthusiastic to arrange and have a first date with her - doesnt sound like shyness!!

I didnt want to over analyse, but it could be a classic case of he fancies her, she fancies him. He chases her. They go on a date, he goes off her (OP if this is the case it could be anything-dont take it too personally), she still fancies him. He doesnt call/txt. She frets. She eventually txts him....she never hears back/he becomes distant/he does this to her again. She hasnt done anything wrong, and neither has he really - except for the fact that in the perfect world he would tell her "you really are a fab lady but there is no spark/what ever reason etc".

I mean he told her he would be too busy for contact...what kind of guy does that? Thats a "ill distance myself and she may be a second date if something better doesnt come along"...that is what (again in my opinion) would turn me off. Ok, there are some jobs/scenarios where having a mobile isnt possible and getting home from work shifts they are exhausted etc, but she hasnt said this.

star-pants

dellas1979 wrote: »

I mean he told her he would be too busy for contact...what kind of guy does that? Thats a "ill distance myself and she may be a second date if something better doesnt come along"...that is what (again in my opinion) would turn me off. Ok, there are some jobs/scenarios where having a mobile isnt possible and getting home from work shifts they are exhausted etc, but she hasnt said this.

Actually if you read the OPs posts, she did not say he said he'd be too busy to text. She said she knows he's busy at the weekend so *assumes* he might not text.

I think people are reading FAR too much into this.
Things like this are what make me realise why guys think women are nuts - it's simple - they went on a date, neither has contacted the other for whatever reason. It's going to cause no harm whatsoever if the OP just drops him a text. She'll know by the wording of his response or his lack of response whether he's interested or not.

People play too many mind games.

dellas1979

But he didnt contact her...her assumption came true.
He was telling her "I will be very busy at the weekend"...what he meant was "Im too busy to contact you".

Yes, star pants, people are over analysing the situation for this girl - yourself included. Its hard not to sympathise with her.

Let us know OP how you get on and dont get too disheartned if he doesnt contact.

dearg lady

dellas1979 wrote: »

Yes, that is true but the OP said that he was really enthusiastic to arrange and have a first date with her - doesnt sound like shyness!!

I didnt want to over analyse, but it could be a classic case of he fancies her, she fancies him. He chases her. They go on a date, he goes off her (OP if this is the case it could be anything-dont take it too personally), she still fancies him. He doesnt call/txt. She frets. She eventually txts him....she never hears back/he becomes distant/he does this to her again. She hasnt done anything wrong, and neither has he really - except for the fact that in the perfect world he would tell her "you really are a fab lady but there is no spark/what ever reason etc".

I mean he told her he would be too busy for contact...what kind of guy does that? Thats a "ill distance myself and she may be a second date if something better doesnt come along"...that is what (again in my opinion) would turn me off. Ok, there are some jobs/scenarios where having a mobile isnt possible and getting home from work shifts they are exhausted etc, but she hasnt said this.

as star pants said, he never said he was too busy to contact, OP suggested this as a possible reason. Your above suggestion could be absolutely what happened, I have no idea why he didn't contact OP, but the question asked is should she contact him, and I see no reason why she should not!

star-pants wrote: »

Actually if you read the OPs posts, she did not say he said he'd be too busy to text. She said she knows he's busy at the weekend so *assumes* he might not text.

I think people are reading FAR too much into this.
Things like this are what make me realise why guys think women are nuts - it's simple - they went on a date, neither has contacted the other for whatever reason. It's going to cause no harm whatsoever if the OP just drops him a text. She'll know by the wording of his response or his lack of response whether he's interested or not.

People play too many mind games.

+1, especially the bit about why guys think women are nuts!

daisybelle2008

star-pants wrote: »

I think people are reading FAR too much into this.
Things like this are what make me realise why guys think women are nuts - it's simple - they went on a date, neither has contacted the other for whatever reason. It's going to cause no harm whatsoever if the OP just drops him a text. She'll know by the wording of his response or his lack of response whether he's interested or not.

People play too many mind games.

Women drive themselves nuts making excuses for guys who are not interested, instead of just letting go and moving on when the guy starts going cold and stops contacting.

Totally with dellas1979 on this one. Believe it or not the OP's gut instinct is already telling her to forget it. When she logged on here to ask should I contact him it was already over, he would have already been in contact if he was interested and she knows this.

We already sense when someone is losing interest or has moved on, unfortunately we would like to get false hope rather than let go before it gets headwrecking.

People say what harm in making contact? It will hurt more when he rejects her instead of accepting and recognising the answer she already has and moving her head on.

dellas1979

He told her he was going to be busy. He didnt contact her.
I know Ive never been too busy to contact anyone Ive fancied

Unless of course something has genuninely happened the guy.

LegacyUser

ok so i hate to say this.....i texted him and i haven't heard anything back yet and its been a few hours now. He's actually at a wedding today which is why i said he was busy. And yes of course he could easily reply while at a wedding but he hasn't anyway.

Daisybelle i think you're on the money. But it is very confusing. We had a lovely time and you know when someone likes you and maintains eye contact for ages even after you've stopped speaking and we had a good laugh too. Its weird carry on.

Oh well ...i'm glad I tried though cos I'd hate to think he was waiting for me to do it and I just didn't. I hate mind games and I avoid them like the plague.

dellas1979

Ah sorry to hear that. Listen, all might not be lost yet, but dont text him again and no rants to him via voicemail/txt messages etc.

Look I am open to the fact that he is at a wedding and is not at home and may have forgotton his phone etc etc, but it is unlikely. Sometimes it just doesnt work out - in this case, do you really want to be with someone who would leave you hanging like that?

Move on, now.

If its days before he contacts you after texting him, I honestly wouldnt bother. If he asks whats up, then Id tell him. Say thanks and Im moving on-adios. If he still persists and is genuniely sad ye are not together, then you know you may have a keeper.

daisybelle2008

op.here wrote: »

ok so i hate to say this.....i texted him and i haven't heard anything back yet and its been a few hours now. He's actually at a wedding today which is why i said he was busy. And yes of course he could easily reply while at a wedding but he hasn't anyway.

Daisybelle i think you're on the money. But it is very confusing. We had a lovely time and you know when someone likes you and maintains eye contact for ages even after you've stopped speaking and we had a good laugh too. Its weird carry on.

Oh well ...i'm glad I tried though cos I'd hate to think he was waiting for me to do it and I just didn't. I hate mind games and I avoid them like the plague.

In the history of dating I do not believe there ever has been a guy (who after initiating a first date) sat back and waited for the girl to contact him if he was truly interested in her.

People talk about mind games. Recognising when someone is not interested and moving on avoids all these and reduces the potential for getting hurt.

We all know when the interest stops but we ignore it because we had such a good time or maybe he is busy or shy or think he is waiting to hear from us. Always flogging a dead horse in my experience.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the sympathy dellas!!

I'm not one of those crazy chicks who'll hound the poor guy now so I won't contact him again.

I'm glad I did it though, no regrets eh!

Firetrap

Well it was worth a bash. I'm another of those people who falls into the "He's just not that into you" camp. Like your friends, myself and my female friends have found that if a guy is interested, he'll make it his business to contact you again. And if he's not, he'll just disappear. Not hearing from someone tends to be an ominous sign. Besides, nobody's ever too busy that they can't find 30 seconds to send a text.

star-pants

op.here wrote: »

Oh well ...i'm glad I tried though cos I'd hate to think he was waiting for me to do it and I just didn't. I hate mind games and I avoid them like the plague.

Well if you don't hear from him, there's no big loss to you hun. Least now you know and it's not like you were a bunny boiler to send him one text after a date.

Magenta

star-pants wrote: »

Well if you don't hear from him, there's no big loss to you hun. Least now you know and it's not like you were a bunny boiler to send him one text after a date.

Yeah exactly. Don't send a second text though OP.