Over-heard

LegacyUser

Last night I followed my bf down the stairs in the bar as we were both going to the loo. I'm not sure he knew I was behind him but I saw him say something to a girl while she was passing...she smiled and looked back at him. I then asked him what he said to her...He said he'd told her she's good looking.

Now, he was wasted but I'm a little upset by this.

He's insisting he knew I was behind him and it was a joke but then when I asked how that could be funny he said maybe it wasn't a joke and that he just couldn't remember.

We're in a long term relationship.
I'm a just being ridiculious getting upset by this?

Lucyx

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I would be really upset by this. what are you gonna do about it? Its only a few words to some girl and he was drunk but still, whats his end game by saying that to her?

how long are you guys going out?

TitoPuente

You're not ridiculous at all to get upset by that. He was completely out of line regardless of whether he knew you were behind him or not. Alarm bells are ringing loudly I'm afraid.

Jim

Think people might be overreacting *slightly*

What's the relationship to the girl? Are they friends etc? Also depends on the context of the comment. If he didn't know her and said it to her when passing, then yea, its a bit strange. If he knows here and was saying "You look good tonight" etc...then its not weird at all. At least, I think its a very normal thing to say to a person.

Giving someone a compliment doesn't necessarily mean they have an "end game".

Gyalist

Wicker Basket wrote: »

We're in a long term relationship.
I'm a just being ridiculious getting upset by this?

In a word, YES. Being in a long term relationship doesn't make you blind. Your response is more a reflection of your insecurity as he hasn't done anything wrong.

LegacyUser

OP here.

We're together 2 and 1/2 years.
The girls he said that to is a complete stranger.


I have trust issues myself, completely unprovoked by him until now.
But this just makes me think what way does he behave towards other girls when I'm not there even....he' s not all that social when he's sober so this would only ever happen when he's wasted.

Mixed opinions here.
To be honest, I think i'll just let it go. It just makes me think....

What would you do?

I have talked to him about it and he did apologise though he's not certain what happened at all.

Lucyx

I'd say if its an isolated incident and hes great in every other way, then maybe let it go.
Also if he seems apologetic about it and surprised at himself, then maybe its just nonsense.

I suppose try to take a step back and if this happened to your friend how would you advise her? I still don't think you're really insecure for getting upset. Looking is one thing but actually saying something to her is a bit much I think tbh.

CDfm

I think you are being over sensitive. Its quite common when myself and my g/f are out that we come in contact with others we recognise or know. Everyone makes smalltalk and relaxes when out and if they were in each others personal space -well it just seemed appropriate.

Its a non issue.

Toots

I'm not sure what you should do in this situation OP. I would be upset about this too, I can't really see how he thought it'd be funny If it was someone he knew, I'd probably be grand with it, although it's a bit tactless ifhe knew you were in earshot. And it would probably make him come over as a bit of a sleazebag if it was a total stranger. The idea of my OH telling some random girl he thinks she is good looking while drunk on a night out just doesn't sit well with me TBH.

Dublin141

CDfm wrote: »

I think you are being over sensitive. Its quite common when myself and my g/f are out that we come in contact with others we recognise or know. Everyone makes smalltalk and relaxes when out and if they were in each others personal space -well it just seemed appropriate.

Its a non issue.

But he didn't know the girl and there is a bit of a difference between smalltalk and telling a stranger they are hot.

Anyway, OP, I personally think it's a bit disrespectful but I wouldn't make a big issue of it unless he's constantly doing it. Sometimes people say or do things when they are drunk that seem like a good idea at the time but when they think back later they don't really know why. If you have a good relationship then I wouldn't be too bothered about it although I'd let him know that I didn't like it if it genuinely upsets you. He might not have seen it as something that would upset you.

CDfm

Dublin141 wrote: »

But he didn't know the girl and there is a bit of a difference between smalltalk and telling a stranger they are hot.

They were in a regular haunt . Anyway the OP says she has trust issues and its not unusual to bump into someone you exchange pleasantaries with for no reason face to face on the way to the loo.Or if you keep bumping into the same person face to face you might say something inane.

I think the OP is over reacting and the trust issues are hers and its her problem not his.

Kimia

The boyfriend tells a complete stranger that he thinks she's hot?

I would be really annoyed OP - it's not nothing. Alarm bells are seriously ringing.

I'm with someone in a long term relationship and there is no way I would randomly tell some guy that I think he's hot - why would I?? What would I get from it???

Gyalist

I can't believe that your boyfriend apologised when he didn't do anything wrong. You know, it won't really matter what he said to the girl as you would still have taken offence. Flirting is not a crime and it certainly is not disrepectful or cheating. Is your boyfriend not supposed to say anything to any other woman because he is with you? I bet if he said that a certain actress on TV was hot you'd take offence to that as well.

If your boyfriend is going to cheat he will and there would be nothing that you could do to stop him. You can't hermetically seal your relationship off from the rest of the world so you'll just have to learn to trust him.

CDfm

Kimia wrote: »

The boyfriend tells a complete stranger that he thinks she's hot?

Christmas/new years -crowded venue - a few drinks - face to face in the toilet trek someone makes a throwaway comment cos the other person is in their personal space.

Says something like Hiya beautiful to drunken girl.

Thats kinda not the same as going on the pull.

I reckon the OP was trying to pick a fight and is trying to justify it. It may not be PC but its hardly going on the pull. He was making his way to the toilets.

Kimia

CDfm wrote: »

its hardly going on the pull. He was making his way to the toilets.

Why say it at all then?

I'm just looking at this if it were me. I would never randomly compliment some strange man on my way to the loos - not because it's 'wrong' or whatever, but why would you bother??? Why does he care what this 'hot' girl thinks???

Either he was trying to start a conversation with a hot girl or he just randomly throws compliments out to strange women.

Both I would be uncomfortable with as his girlfriend.

OP ask him how he would feel if you did this?

CDfm

Kimia wrote: »

Why say it at all then?

Because he was drunk and inhibitions go when you are drunk.

Also when you are in a place for a few hours and bump into people buying drinks etc there is a certain amount of over familiarity that goes with it.

Maybe the OP was being a pain and it slipped out subconciously and he really wanted to be with soneone else.

Kimia

CDfm wrote: »

Maybe the OP was being a pain and it slipped out subconciously and he really wanted to be with soneone else.

Very true - I thought that too.

OP - talk to him. This is not good.

Taltos

It's one thing to compliment friends.
It is entirely different though complimenting strangers - unless one has a habit of doing so.

Another way of approaching this is ask him how he would have felt if he was behind you and overheard you complimenting some random guy - say along the lines of "wow - your a** looks damn fine in those jeans..."

Alcohol does lower the inhibitions - it does not really change us - though with some it can bring out traits that are normally hidden - eg anger / violence etc. So is the issue here that you are really more worried what he is up to when he is out without you?

Agree with Kimia - no matter what has happened here or what his intent is you both should sit down and chat. And if he is blaming the alcohol - then simple solution - pull back on it a bit - stay more in control and have more fun out.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

Because he was drunk and inhibitions go when you are drunk.

Also when you are in a place for a few hours and bump into people buying drinks etc there is a certain amount of over familiarity that goes with it.

Maybe the OP was being a pain and it slipped out subconciously and he really wanted to be with soneone else.

Like that saying "en Vino Veritas"? Hmmm....it's a tough one. I would personally be annoyed, like the OP. I'm trying to think of the guys who say those kinds of things to you in pubs..I'm sure most girls get this on occasion...I'd usually presume it's a guy with NO girlfriend because usually they might try it on again later.....

BUT in this situation I'd be more in the "he was plastered, he said something stupid that he can't even remember" camp. I've said all kinds of nonsensical rubbish while drunk in the past....someone would tell me what I said and I'd have no recollection of....I would personally let it slide unless he's given you some solid evidence not to trust him before. This is an isolated incident and I'd blame the drink.

christina_x

Gyalist wrote: »

Flirting is not a crime and it certainly is not disrepectful or cheating. Is your boyfriend not supposed to say anything to any other woman because he is with you? quote]

of course he can speak to women, thats not the point people are trying to make. Im sure he does'nt walk past guys he doesnt know and let them know theyr looking well.. so why do it to women? He can talk, and be friendly, but flirting is different. And while flirting is not a crime, it can lead to cheating and is disrespectful to their OH.

TitoPuente

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I would personally be annoyed, like the OP.

This is it really. For a start, you'd have a right to be annoyed. Maybe I'm just an insecure idiot but I'd be very upset if I overheard my girlfriend telling some random bloke in a pub that she thought he was really good looking. Obviously it would depend on context but certainly as a smirking passing remark on the way to the jacks, I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship and reevaluating just what kind of person I was with. Then again, I'm in my early 30's. If I was 20, I probably wouldn't be as bothered.

Eve_Dublin

TitoPuente wrote: »

This is it really. For a start, you'd have a right to be annoyed. Maybe I'm just an insecure idiot but I'd be very upset if I overheard my girlfriend telling some random bloke in a pub that she thought he was really good looking. Obviously it would depend on context but certainly as a smirking passing remark on the way to the jacks, I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship and reevaluating just what kind of person I was with. Then again, I'm in my early 30's. If I was 20, I probably wouldn't be as bothered.

I've heard boyfriends and girlfriends of friends making comments in front of their OH that I would loose the plot over...but to be honest, this is probably why most of my relationships to date haven't worked out. I guess what I've learned from observing long-term successful relationships of friends is when to learn to let something slide. Is it worth ending something that's going well over one comment? You gave no indication that this is the way he always behaves and the very fact that you're shocked by his behaviour shows it's out of character. I'd just keep an eye out in the future OP....but saying that, I can definitely see why you'd be hurt.

TitoPuente

Yeah, that's probably fairly reasonable. If it's completely out of character then maybe you should let it slide. But definitely keep your eye out and ensure that he's not a wolf in sheeps clothing. And, as Eve_Dublin says, you do have a right to be hurt by something like that. I could never imagine doing something like that to my girlfriend. Whether she was present or not.