problems with sex life and bf

LegacyUser

ok first off iv decided to stay anon because i dont think my boyf would be happy if he saw this...

I really love him, and he really loves me too. we are really happy together and really content but our sex life is terrible and iv mentioned it so many times and he just makes excuses etc

First of all I have never properly had an orgasm through sex (I should also mention neither of us have had sex with anyone else) .... I can get there through masterbation etc. but without getting into too many details as im not sure what is acceptable here... when i do achieve that orgasm it is not from penetration inside if you know what i mean?

to be honest even when im alone and masterbating this is the only way i can get there, never from going in as such!

anyway thats not the main problem we have that i think is most serious is the fact that he never seems to want to have sex with me. i mean like we dont live together so when i come to stay with him i expect to make the most of our time together but sometimes he wouldnt be interested in sex at all. other times well have sex once , even though i might be staying with him 3 nights and might not have had sex in weeks.
when we do have sex it is always very quick, from start of foreplay to finish at most half an hour but usually less and the actual time taken for penetration could be 5 minutes.

We have started to have a problem where he will get aroused and we will start foreplay but when we start having sex, or maybe after a few minutes of having sex he will get small again and then i can offended by that as i see it as an insult and i guess he gets paranoid so we end up giving up. Half of me thinks that as a result of this problem maybe this is why he isnt interested in having sex with me often but im not sure and its driving me mad.

I am not a sex addict but i think when we dont see each other for days that its only natural to want to have some fun, we are both only 22! Any time i have had sex with him it could only be once in the whole night also. He tells me he needs time afterwards and couldnt have sex twice in the night but what gets me is i talk to my friends and they all tell me of their great sex lives and hear stories about spending the whole day/night in bed doing it loads of times.


This is the first time I have told anyone other than my boyf about this so i hope someone can help me....

thanks

anon.

Dublin141

I'd take other people's sex stories with a pinch of salt to be honest. People tend to exaggerate. Most men can't manage to have sex all night long and you should be aiming for quality rather than quantity anyway

And as far as I know (from talking to friends) most women don't orgasm through penetration alone. I do now, with my partner but I definitely didn't get anywhere close with my first boyfriend.

As for him not wanting to do it that often, is there any chance that you're showing how frustrated you are with him in other ways and he gets stressed out at the thoughts of trying to prove himself? I mean, if you keep telling him your sex life is crap then he's going to get a bit nervous about it. Maybe he isn't enjoying it either.

Maybe I'm wrong but you seem to have very high expectations of what sex should be and that he should solve all of the problems. What I mean is, have you tried to change things in bed? Have you tried different positions or more/different foreplay for example? Even if he's too embarrassed to talk about it, you could take the lead in the bedroom and see what happens.

This should be a fun, experimental time for both of you. You need to take the time exploring what's enjoyable for both of you without any pressure. I would imagine he is losing his erection because he's feeling under pressure to perform. I know it's frustrating for you but if you love him then you'll want to have a good sex life with him too so it's worth the time and effort you put into making things better now.

St James

penetration while it might be the aim, is not necessary for great fun and orgasm. What about more foreplay, on both sides and perhaps a bit of oral on his.

another shot woudl be for you to give a BJ, which should give him about 15/30 mins to get ready for penetration again and in the meantime, either oral on you or some other handiwork to get you going.

Its a two way street, both need to do a bit of work. if he cums too early, them the BJ would sort that out and let him have that precious 15/30 mins to work solely on yoru pleasure, before you hopefully cum together.

Soul Stretcher

Ok OP.. I'll admit I'm drunk while typing this.... so Mods feel free to delete if applicable..

Anyways... my first reaction to your post is as follows:

You're both 22... As horny as hell presumably (well I was at that age and still am ! lol ) and in a relationship.. Usually it is the Man pressuring his GF for more sex etc..

I don't know either of you... so I 'm just gonna throw this out there... perhaps your bf isn't 100% sure of his sexuality.. maybe he could be bi/gay... or maybe he could have had damaging experiences in the past in the sexual arena...

I dunno... all I know is that most 22 yr old males are as horny as rabbits...

Please take this with a pinch of salt... but I know when I was 22, my GF would have been complaining of being pestered for too much sex...

It's really difficult to give advice without knowing either of ye... your bf could have a perfectly valid reason for his performance... they say communication is vital.. maybe just tell him what you've told us ???

CrazySka

It sounds like your putting a lot of pressure on him to perform, this can be hard for someone younger especially if not the most confident of people from the start.
Dont take it the wrong way but it seems that you are judging him throughout, if you are really interested in sorting him out then let him know that your ok with however it goes and just want you both to be comfortable and satisfied, if he doesnt feel like you are waiting for something to happen then things may improve.

CDfm

OP -the joys of youth and learning about good sex is one of them.

Forget all the your boyfriend is gay stuff but do get lots of scented candles and aromatherapy and massage oils.

Get into each other and what excites the other touch wise

Pick up a book on sex and coupledom and have a read and an experiment and you'll be fine.

Miss Fluff

anon guest wrote: »

We have started to have a problem where he will get aroused and we will start foreplay but when we start having sex, or maybe after a few minutes of having sex he will get small again and then i can offended by that as i see it as an insult and i guess he gets paranoid so we end up giving up. Half of me thinks that as a result of this problem maybe this is why he isnt interested in having sex with me often but im not sure and its driving me mad.

Think you've hot the nail on the head right there OP. You are both sexually inexperienced, he now has performance anxiety beacuse you have evidently been harping on about his inability to give you a vaginal orgasm which has resulted in him not wanting to do it lest it happen again.

All your friends harping on about doing it twenty times a night and having multiple orgasms are, for the most part, probably lying. It takes experience and lots and lots of practice to be able to come vaginally and/or multiply so I think it's time you two got back down to basics and perhaps best that you stop playing the blame game.

Why don't you agree not to have penetrative sex for a couple of weeks and concentrate on oral and lots of foreplay, i.e. massages, bathing together, blindfold one another and use a feather.....use your imagination. It will help with any hang-ups he has in relation to keeping it up and it will shift your focus from vaginal orgasms for the time being and help you both enjoy it again.

LegacyUser

hi guys, op here again. Thanks so much for that info and advice. I think you are right that I probably am making him aware of how I feel in a negative way and he probably does feel pressured.... I think we will get back to basics and have fun with some of the tips here !

Im hoping this works and its not as someone said that he may be gay!!!!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

Maybe he just doesn`t fancy you anymore....it happens.

magneticimpulse

OP not every woman orgasms from sexual intercourse. Its very difficult to hit a womans G Spot and get her aroused in this way. I think your friends are just harping it up. You are really putting your boyfriend down and under alot of pressure to the extend he cannot perform or doesnt want to.

I dont think he is gay either...how would you like if he started calling you lesbian because you cant orgasm?? Im sure he had more orgasms than you...so maybe you should be looking at yourself and not blaming him. Its up to women to "own" their own orgasm. This means doing pelvic exercises to tighten your vaginal muscles. You should invest in some pelvic pleasure balls or similar weighted pelvic exercisers. You should also invest in G Spot dildo and find out to achieve internal stimulation. This will also occupy yourself when your boyfriend needs time to recover. Its definitely a womans responsibility to masturbate well to understand what turns her on and what spots or positions work best. Dont blame the OH. He is not the one with the problem.