GENERAL ZOD's AUNT OF AGONY Column

General Zod

As promised, in honour of the SSF renaming of AH, Here's in General Zod's advice column.

Post up your problems and I'll answer t5hem as best I can.

TheZohanS

How about a pay rise?

xw2lj9uspm1eyh

How do i make a hawt female boarder fall in love with me?

Cookie_Monster

Its cold and wet out

General Zod

TheZohan wrote: »

How about a pay rise?

I could honestly make a joke about kneeling before Zod to get a pay rise, but I won't.

General Zod

mendusa wrote: »

How do i make a hawt female boarder fall in love with me?

Stop replying to all her posts in the Ladies Lounge.

That or become a mod.

General Zod

Cookie_Monster wrote: »

Its cold and wet out

Wrap a blanket around yourself, make a hot cup of tea, and stay indoors.

animan

I've lost my ID and don't look 17 let alone 18. What do you recomend I do tonight?

Cookie_Monster

General Zod wrote: »

Wrap a blanket around yourself, make a hot cup of tea, and stay indoors.

I'd never of thought of that :eek:, you the man

[kneels]

General Zod

animan wrote: »

I've lost my ID and don't look 17 let alone 18. What do you recomend I do tonight?

Group text to all your mates, find out who's having a house party

or

Stay at home, have a quiet night in, watch Jools Holland, yell hootenanny, go to sleep. NYE is overrated anyway.

Seaneh

yeah yeah yeah....

This is all well and good.

But for the love of God,



WHO'S TAKING THE HORSE TO FRANCE?!?!?!

xw2lj9uspm1eyh

Not to go into too many details how do i make something small look bigger:o

brummytom

I managed to make a dick of myself on msn last night to the girl that I... like alot.

How d'ya fix that one, Almighty Zod?

General Zod

mendusa wrote: »

Not to go into too many details how do i make something small look bigger:o

use a clippers on the surrounding area.

General Zod

Seaneh wrote: »

yeah yeah yeah....

This is all well and good.

But for the love of God,



WHO'S TAKING THE HORSE TO FRANCE?!?!?!

In this weather, noone for a few days.

General Zod

brummytom wrote: »

I managed to make a dick of myself on msn last night to the girl that I... like alot.

How d'ya fix that one, Almighty Zod?

Need more details.

animan

Would like to go out though. Stupid babyface!

General Zod

find a few female friends and head to a venue early.

Cookie_Monster

I'm going grey, where can I get that colour Marge Simpson uses?

RobbieTheRobber

Dear General Zod
My birthday is less than two weeks away
Being a person whose birthday is too close to christmas and the new year celebrations by the time its my brithday I will get the usual no money recovering from new year and christmas excuses. (Every Year its the same and its not like my birthday is a feckin surprise anymore)

However Aerlingus is selling flights out to Amsterdam the day of my birthday and back the following for less than a hundred euro.

So i have two questions should I go to amsterdam for Hookers and drugs and the second question should I bother telling anyone else or Should I just leave and comeback as if nothing has happened?

General Zod

Cookie_Monster wrote: »

I'm going grey, where can I get that colour Marge Simpson uses?

Blue #56 dye.

General Zod

RobbieTheRobber wrote: »

So i have two questions should I go to amsterdam for Hookers and drugs and the second question should I bother telling anyone else or Should I just leave and comeback as if nothing has happened?

You live in Dublin, as do I. Doubt you'd have to go to Amsterdam to find hookers and drugs :P

Well, simple plan. Tell your friends what you're doing (going to amsterdam.) send them a link to flights and the hotel you're staying in, and if they want to go, to meet you at the airport.

Ciaran187

Dear fcuk face. I seem to have trouble making friends. What you gonna do about it big man?

Funglegunk

How do I fit this pesky square peg into a round hole?

BluesBerry

Dear Zod

I like to swear a lot so I would like to catch Torrettes Syndrome how does one go about getting infected with this disease so I can swear legally?

General Zod

Ciaran187 wrote: »

Dear fcuk face. I seem to have trouble making friends. What you gonna do about it big man?

Why do you say such things, when you know I will kill you for it?

I like the cut of your jib, sir. friends who don't immediately take to your brash, in your face style were never meant to be your friends at all. Excelcior!

General Zod

Funglegunk wrote: »

How do I fit this pesky square peg into a round hole?

http://www.tylertool.com/blanddejs55a.html

General Zod

BluesBerry wrote: »

Dear Zod

I like to swear a lot so I would like to catch Torrettes Syndrome how does one go about getting infected with this disease so I can swear legally?

Become a Green Party TD.

brummytom

She thinks I only like her as a mate. Admitted she was 'my type' last night. Tried to hide it, ended up seeming slow. But she's got a boyfriend and I'm.. eurgh. Ah well

As if you've only got 970 posts in 2 years!

General Zod

brummytom wrote: »

She thinks I only like her as a mate. Admitted she was 'my type' last night. Tried to hide it, ended up seeming slow. But she's got a boyfriend and I'm.. eurgh. Ah well

As if you've only got 970 posts in 2 years!

Print out this post. Get a passport photo, and attach it into the box below.

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Chalk it up to experience, stay friends, be cool.


Then chat up her best friend at an underage disco.

brummytom

General Zod wrote: »

Print out this post. Get a passport photo, and attach it into the box below.

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Chalk it up to experience, stay friends, be cool.


Then chat up her best friend at an underage disco.

Her best mate's a ginger :eek:

rainbowdrop

Dear General Zod

I told good friend of mine who lives in Australia, that I posted her Christmas present to her at the beginning of December!!

In fact, I lied, and her Christmas present is still here in front of me. I was too fecking lazy to get my arse down to the post office and send it.

Should I-

A) Tell her the truth?

Send it today and blame An Post for it being late?

C) Never send the present, keep it for myself and accuse An Post of being
robbing cnuts?

Yours Truthfully

Rainbowdrop x

General Zod

brummytom wrote: »

Her best mate's a ginger :eek:

You have much to learn in the ways of the force, young padawan.

**Timbuk2**

General Zod, can I offer you one piece of advice?

Learn to multi-quote.

Cookie_Monster

brummytom wrote: »

Her best mate's a ginger :eek:

kinky

General Zod

rainbowdrop wrote: »

Dear General Zod

I told good friend of mine who lives in Australia, that I posted her Christmas present to her at the beginning of December!!

In fact, I lied, and her Christmas present is still here in front of me. I was too fecking lazy to get my arse down to the post office and send it.

Should I-

A) Tell her the truth?

Send it today and blame An Post for it being late?

C) Never send the present, keep it for myself and accuse An Post of being
robbing cnuts?

Yours Truthfully

Rainbowdrop x

Ah, interesting problem.

Send it now, and hope she doesn't look to closely at the post office processing date.

Don't make up a story about it. Presents are always good to recieve, regardless of the time of year.

General Zod

**Timbuk2** wrote: »

General Zod, can I offer you one piece of advice?

Learn to multi-quote.

Never. each and every post is a precious gift of wisdom.


Plus it's good for my post count.

Gummy Panda

Dear General Zod,

I have a female friend who suffers from smelly fanny. How do I inform her without emotionally scarring her for life?

Thanks,

Gummy

Luno

Can you believe its not butter ?

General Zod

Gummy Panda wrote: »

Dear General Zod,

I have a female friend who suffers from smelly fanny. How do I inform her without emotionally scarring her for life?

Thanks,

Gummy

how do you know this?

and the answer is Chocolate sauce.

xw2lj9uspm1eyh

General Zod will you ever make lieutenant and what celebrations can we expect when you reach the 1000th post milestone.

General Zod

M&S* wrote: »

Can you believe its not butter ?

Mark's and Spencers sell fake butter?

General Zod

mendusa wrote: »

General Zod will you ever make lieutenant and what celebrations can we expect when you reach the 1000th post milestone.

AH will reach event horizon and implode in upon itself. A sudden noise will ring out, as if a thousand journalists and radio researchers cried all at once.

El Siglo

General Zod,
I feel very sad for a 20 something year old, I've got no money and I feel like people don't listen to me and women don't like me, what I want to know is how do I get hair like this?

bonerm

DearGeneral Zod,
I have a work colleague who claims to be the President of the United States of America. I don't believe him for a second, but my question is "how can I PROVE it?"

General Zod

El Siglo wrote: »

General Zod,
I feel very sad for a 20 something year old, I've got no money and I feel like people don't listen to me and women don't like me, what I want to know is how do I get hair like this?

Watch "There's something about Mary".

Spear

Dear General Zod,

the fission rates in my current models of nuclear weapons are too low, is there a better way of raising them without adding a costly uranium tamper?

El Siglo

General Zod wrote: »

Watch "There's something about Mary".

You are wise beyond your years General!:D

General Zod

bonerm wrote: »

DearGeneral Zod,
I have a work colleague who claims to be the President of the United States of America. I don't believe him for a second, but my question is "how can I PROVE it?"

Hah! is he one of these guys?

General Zod

Spear wrote: »

Dear General Zod,

the fission rates in my current models of nuclear weapons are too low, is there a better way of raising them without adding a costly uranium tamper?

Have you tried Plutonium-239, which can be purchased cheaper on the foreign markets, rather than trying to buy the expensive locally mined uranium?

Plutonium-239 has a criticality of 10kg instead of the 16 for U-233 por indeed the 52 for the more popular U-235.

Luno

General Zod wrote: »

Mark's and Spencers sell fake butter?

You tell me I thought you knew all :P