Cant stop texting ex

LegacyUser

Im a 23yr old male. I broke up with my ex a few months ago, it was an ugly breakup and we said some bad things to eachother, we had a rocky relationship with a lot of arguements but I loved her so much, no that we have broken up I was happy at first but as a few months past I found myself missing her, I have texted and rang her numerous times without an answer. The breakup basically was horrible, she had a miscarrage and I went into denial mode, we became very nasty to eachother. She called the gardi saying I was harassing her and her family which wasnt true but the gaurds rang me and told me to stop. I moved here a few months ago and new noone when I met her, I am alone with no one which to me is pathetic. I miss her so much, could the reason I keep texting her be that I am alone?

Overheal

I'd tell you to delete the number but I get the feeling you've it comitted to memory.

still, deleting references to her usually helps. Memorabilia, saved phone and email conversations - delete them all. Its a very important step to a breakup, son.

sam34

textingex wrote: »

I have texted and rang her numerous times without an answer....She called the gardi saying I was harassing her and her family which wasnt true but the gaurds rang me and told me to stop....could the reason I keep texting her be that I am alone?

or could it be that you basically have no respect for her and despite her requests for you to leave her alone, and despite her having taken the hard step of reporting you to the gardai, and the gardai taking her seriously and giving you a warning, you are persisting in contacting her because you are just thinking about what you want and are not thinking about the impact your actions have on her.


harassment is an offence under section 10 of the nonfatal offences against the person act. if you're calling .texting, there will be records of it and it wil not be a difficult case to prove.

accept that the relationship is over.

what are you hoping to salvage from it at this stage? if she feels you are harrassing her and her family, and has been so distressed/freaked out that she reported it to the gardai, do you really think you have a chance of getting her to decide she would like to be friends, or even resume a relationship??

it is over.

move on, and allow her to do the same.

behave with some dignity, and show her some respect.

dudara

Did you get the part where she reported you to the Gardai??

You're harassing the girl, and quite possibly scaring her.

Stop it now, before you get into further trouble or something messy happens.

You need to keep yourself busy, perhaps you could take up a new sport or some activity that stops you from sitting alone by yourself in the evening.

LegacyUser

sam34 wrote: »

or could it be that you basically have no respect for her and despite her requests for you to leave her alone, and despite her having taken the hard step of reporting you to the gardai, and the gardai taking her seriously and giving you a warning, you are persisting in contacting her because you are just thinking about what you want and are not thinking about the impact your actions have on her.


harassment is an offence under section 10 of the nonfatal offences against the person act. if you're calling .texting, there will be records of it and it wil not be a difficult case to prove.

accept that the relationship is over.

what are you hoping to salvage from it at this stage? if she feels you are harrassing her and her family, and has been so distressed/freaked out that she reported it to the gardai, do you really think you have a chance of getting her to decide she would like to be friends, or even resume a relationship??

it is over.

move on, and allow her to do the same.

behave with some dignity, and show her some respect.

You dont know the full story, she disappeared for 3 days without so much as a phonecall, I texted her sister to see if she heard anything, that was the only time I contacted her family, next thing out of the blue she emails me saying she was sorry, this isnt the only thing she has done, she ****ed me about a lot during the relaionship she was violent on a number of occasions, I texted her constantly after I found out she paid nothing towards the bills, I was contacting her trying to get things sorted as we had just a lease and we owed a lot in bills, then she just dissappeared. Its very unfair, I got her out of a lot of **** and got no thanks for it. I feel so alone.

LegacyUser

sam34 wrote: »

or could it be that you basically have no respect for her and despite her requests for you to leave her alone, and despite her having taken the hard step of reporting you to the gardai, and the gardai taking her seriously and giving you a warning, you are persisting in contacting her because you are just thinking about what you want and are not thinking about the impact your actions have on her.


harassment is an offence under section 10 of the nonfatal offences against the person act. if you're calling .texting, there will be records of it and it wil not be a difficult case to prove.

accept that the relationship is over.

what are you hoping to salvage from it at this stage? if she feels you are harrassing her and her family, and has been so distressed/freaked out that she reported it to the gardai, do you really think you have a chance of getting her to decide she would like to be friends, or even resume a relationship??

it is over.

move on, and allow her to do the same.

behave with some dignity, and show her some respect.

I have a funny feeling that the OP already knows that what he's doing is really out of order.

Considering that he's the one asking for help to deal with compulsive behaviour, not his ex asking for help with a stalker, we should probably try to help him deal with it.

So OP, the good news is that you CAN stop texting your ex.

I'm a girl but a few years ago I compulsively texted an ex. This lasted for more than a year after our break up. It was ugly and humiliating. But the good news is that I eventually broke the pattern.

Here's now:

1. While I wasn't solely drunken texting, drinking certainly set me off a good few times, so I had to cut down/stop drinking.

2. I was lucky to have a very good friend who suggested I call her everytime I felt this compulsion. I had already been texting compulsively for almost a year before she stepped in, but coming clean about the extent of my problem really helped. If you don't have a quality friend like this, try a counsellor. This really was the turning point.

3. I got into this really weird cycle, where the more that he ignored me, or the more vicious his responses, the more I continued, I don't know was it stubbornness ('I won't just disappear after all the pain you've caused me just because you moved on!') or a kind of masochism, or even a twisted desire to proof that my feelings/our relationship was real or still relevant.
I took a 'one day at a time' approach to the problem; if I didn't text, then it was a good day, no matter what else happened. It took me quite a few months to get out of the cycle, at first I would just count the days/weeks and eventually months between texts. I still slipped up the odd time, maybe when drunk, but eventually the time between texts had turned into six months and that felt great. My pride in my new behaviour eventually outweighed the compulsion.

4. As my behaviour got weirder and more secretive, my texts stopped resembling a 'conversation' and eventually I realised that they had almost become like a conversation with myself (sounds weird I know). I realised that maybe it was less about him and more about me needing to express myself (my emotions, anger, hurt, even my creativity). I started writing instead.

5. Right now you have put her on some kind of pedastal. Nobody, no matter who they are, is any better than anyone else. I don't know if this is your first relationship or not, but I'm sure you've had at least crushes before. They fade. In fact, the only reason she isn't fading already is cause you keep picking the scab. Think about it.

A miscarriage and loss of relationship in one year is a very hard thing (though you'd be amazed how often those events accompany each other). You say you went into denial at the time. Now you have grieved and are grieving. Read up on the stages of grieving. It sounds like you got stuck in one of them. Think seriously about counselling.

Also it seems like you have answered you're own question: you are lonely. Do all the things you need to do to stop being lonely (try to expand your circle and all that). You are going to have to work hard to get out of this cycle but you will. I'm now happily married and years later, I look back on my 'compulsive phase' with horror - but guess what? I wouldn't want my ex back for the world. It took a few years to say that with 110% honesty but its absolutely true. In fact, I can now see that we broke up because we weren't right or at least not right enough. I'm now married to someone else, someone I couldn't even imagine back then. I also see that my compulsive behaviour was alot more about me than about him, he was just an ordinary guy. Its like I took all my own feelings of failure and rejection from my own life and projected them at this one failed relationship.

I hope this helps OP, and I hope you find someone you can talk this through with properly. You will get through this and you will love again.

Gregor Samsa

textingex wrote: »

You dont know the full story

The full story doesn't matter. If she doesn't want you to contact her, then you don't contact her. It really is as simple as that.

If she went to the trouble of contacting the Gardai about you, then you can be damn sure she doesn't want contact with you. It doesn't matter why, or what she's done or hasn't done. No means no, and that's all there is to it.

You being alone or lonely doesn't give you the right to contact here against her expressed wishes, and frankly, if you keep this up, you're going to stay alone, because you're not going to be in the frame of mind to meet new people, and even if you do, who want's to be around a guy who obsesses over his hostile ex? Or you'll end up in jail for harassment.

Move on, delete her number, don't contact her or her family or friends ever again and find new friends. This is all you can do.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

You have to draw a line under your relationship, accept it is over & move on.

If that means moving yourself, getting a new hobby, deleting all dealing with your ex, then do it. I think you are texting to maintain a link & it's one she clearly doesn't want. If you get the urge to text then go for a jog or phone your family or go for a cold shower, break the cycle.

LegacyUser

phutyle wrote: »

The full story doesn't matter. If she doesn't want you to contact her, then you don't contact her. It really is as simple as that.

If she went to the trouble of contacting the Gardai about you, then you can be damn sure she doesn't want contact with you. It doesn't matter why, or what she's done or hasn't done. No means no, and that's all there is to it.

You being alone or lonely doesn't give you the right to contact here against her expressed wishes, and frankly, if you keep this up, you're going to stay alone, because you're not going to be in the frame of mind to meet new people, and even if you do, who want's to be around a guy who obsesses over his hostile ex? Or you'll end up in jail for harassment.

Move on, delete her number, don't contact her or her family or friends ever again and find new friends. This is all you can do.

I know what you mean, I definatly dont want to get in trouble, but she does these kind of things out of pure spite, she has spread a lot of lies about me. I guess if two people have a bad breakup the bloke is always at fault going by some of the harsh posts in here. I just thought it would be ok to text her because I miss her,the texts werent harsh, I just said I missed her in all of them. Also ive only done it about three times in the last 4 months surly that wouldnt warrent harrasment?

Ickle Magoo

textingex wrote: »

I know what you mean, I definatly dont want to get in trouble, but she does these kind of things out of pure spite, she has spread a lot of lies about me. I guess if two people have a bad breakup the bloke is always at fault going by some of the harsh posts in here. I just thought it would be ok to text her because I miss her,the texts werent harsh, I just said I missed her in all of them. Also ive only done it about three times in the last 4 months surly that wouldnt warrent harrasment?

Of course the bloke is not always at fault. If people break up they stay in contact by mutual agreement or they go there separate ways. If she asked you to stop and you don't then it's harassment, there's a line and you may have crossed it. You are still trying to justify your behaviour & claim it wasn't even that bad - that doesn't sound like someone who is determined to break all contact. She doesn't want you to text her again, respect that. Break ups are hard, I think they are harder if you are trying to stay in touch or texting her and waiting for a reply, get on with your life & find someone who does want you to text them.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Of course the bloke is not always at fault. If people break up they stay in contact by mutual agreement or they go there separate ways. If she asked you to stop and you don't then it's harassment, there's a line and you may have crossed it. You are still trying to justify your behaviour & claim it wasn't even that bad - that doesn't sound like someone who is determined to break all contact. She doesn't want you to text her again, respect that. Break ups are hard, I think they are harder if you are trying to stay in touch or texting her and waiting for a reply, get on with your life & find someone who does want you to text them.

Youre right. What will I do? Theres no point in anything, no friends, noone. Whats the point.

LegacyUser

textingex wrote: »

I know what you mean, I definatly dont want to get in trouble, but she does these kind of things out of pure spite, she has spread a lot of lies about me. I guess if two people have a bad breakup the bloke is always at fault going by some of the harsh posts in here. I just thought it would be ok to text her because I miss her,the texts werent harsh, I just said I missed her in all of them. Also ive only done it about three times in the last 4 months surly that wouldnt warrent harrasment?

Right... you're post read 'can't stop texting my ex'.... & you said you have texted her numerous times.

Are you posting because you 'can't stop texting your ex' or do you feel that your calling and texting is justifiable?

If you think its justifiable - then the answer is no. It doesn't matter how your relationship ended, what bills she owes or what she said to who, its over and you are free. If she missed you too she'd have texted back, so texting is not justifiable and its pointless to find reasons (excuses?) to text.

Now if, as I believed from your original post, this texting business has gotten out of hand, then you need to recognise your behaviour for what it is & change it. Are you here asking for help or are you on here to moan about your ex?

I think you already know the answer to that.

You can't change other people you can only change yourself. Don't you believe you should be with someone who wants you?

LegacyUser

knowwhatumean wrote: »

Right... you're post read 'can't stop texting my ex'.... & you said you have texted her numerous times.

Are you posting because you 'can't stop texting your ex' or do you feel that your calling and texting is justifiable?

If you think its justifiable - then the answer is no. It doesn't matter how your relationship ended, what bills she owes or what she said to who, its over and you are free. If she missed you too she'd have texted back, so texting is not justifiable and its pointless to find reasons (excuses?) to text.

Now if, as I believed from your original post, this texting business has gotten out of hand, then you need to recognise your behaviour for what it is & change it. Are you here asking for help or are you on here to moan about your ex?

I think you already know the answer to that.

You can't change other people you can only change yourself. Don't you believe you should be with someone who wants you?

Yeah youre right, every time ive done it ive felt a wave of regret... god I hope I dont get into trouble, I cant exactly call or text apologising. I am trying hard and have signed up to a gym recently, I also plan on taking up a martial art. I have a lot going on. Going to look up counselling as well. Would be nice to have some mates though. **** it need to get some balls and start acting like a man. Thank you for your help.

LegacyUser

knowwhatumean wrote: »

I have a funny feeling that the OP already knows that what he's doing is really out of order.

Considering that he's the one asking for help to deal with compulsive behaviour, not his ex asking for help with a stalker, we should probably try to help him deal with it.

So OP, the good news is that you CAN stop texting your ex.

I'm a girl but a few years ago I compulsively texted an ex. This lasted for more than a year after our break up. It was ugly and humiliating. But the good news is that I eventually broke the pattern.

Here's now:

1. While I wasn't solely drunken texting, drinking certainly set me off a good few times, so I had to cut down/stop drinking.

2. I was lucky to have a very good friend who suggested I call her everytime I felt this compulsion. I had already been texting compulsively for almost a year before she stepped in, but coming clean about the extent of my problem really helped. If you don't have a quality friend like this, try a counsellor. This really was the turning point.

3. I got into this really weird cycle, where the more that he ignored me, or the more vicious his responses, the more I continued, I don't know was it stubbornness ('I won't just disappear after all the pain you've caused me just because you moved on!') or a kind of masochism, or even a twisted desire to proof that my feelings/our relationship was real or still relevant.
I took a 'one day at a time' approach to the problem; if I didn't text, then it was a good day, no matter what else happened. It took me quite a few months to get out of the cycle, at first I would just count the days/weeks and eventually months between texts. I still slipped up the odd time, maybe when drunk, but eventually the time between texts had turned into six months and that felt great. My pride in my new behaviour eventually outweighed the compulsion.

4. As my behaviour got weirder and more secretive, my texts stopped resembling a 'conversation' and eventually I realised that they had almost become like a conversation with myself (sounds weird I know). I realised that maybe it was less about him and more about me needing to express myself (my emotions, anger, hurt, even my creativity). I started writing instead.

5. Right now you have put her on some kind of pedastal. Nobody, no matter who they are, is any better than anyone else. I don't know if this is your first relationship or not, but I'm sure you've had at least crushes before. They fade. In fact, the only reason she isn't fading already is cause you keep picking the scab. Think about it.

A miscarriage and loss of relationship in one year is a very hard thing (though you'd be amazed how often those events accompany each other). You say you went into denial at the time. Now you have grieved and are grieving. Read up on the stages of grieving. It sounds like you got stuck in one of them. Think seriously about counselling.

Also it seems like you have answered you're own question: you are lonely. Do all the things you need to do to stop being lonely (try to expand your circle and all that). You are going to have to work hard to get out of this cycle but you will. I'm now happily married and years later, I look back on my 'compulsive phase' with horror - but guess what? I wouldn't want my ex back for the world. It took a few years to say that with 110% honesty but its absolutely true. In fact, I can now see that we broke up because we weren't right or at least not right enough. I'm now married to someone else, someone I couldn't even imagine back then. I also see that my compulsive behaviour was alot more about me than about him, he was just an ordinary guy. Its like I took all my own feelings of failure and rejection from my own life and projected them at this one failed relationship.

I hope this helps OP, and I hope you find someone you can talk this through with properly. You will get through this and you will love again.

This post is amazing. I too went through this a few years ago. I realise now it was my anger that led me to act this way. Stop now OP if you can. You need to move on. My ex treated me really badly but such is life. I ended up two years later realising that I was as bad as him with my angry texts when it ended. I sent him an email after three years of no contact to apologise because like the above poster I was horrified at my own behaviour in hindsight. And then finally I moved on and began to enjoy life again.

LegacyUser

OP
I also used the 'he owes me money' reason to continue texting my ex. I know now it was my way of trying to keep contact. He did owe me money about 1000 euro. But I remember telling my Dad, who I normally don't talk to about relationships etc. But my Dad was like - forget about the money- you'll earn that money again - if you continue with this you'll end up in a mental institute. Above all the other advice I got this really hit home. I feel so sad for you, because it's an awful place to be in. But by continuing to keep in touch with this girl you are putting yourself at risk. All I can say is take every opportunity to meet up with other people - work dos, language classes, team sport, the list is endless. There are people out there who make you feel better about yourself in little ways initially. Pick up on that. She doesn't love you and thats crap if you love her but you're not the first to feel that way and you won't be the last. I'm five years on now, and rarely think of my ex, but when I do it's not with anger. You will get there too

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much, I never knew how much posting on here would help. I would love tio know who you are, thank you. Ive actually met someone tonight would you believe, I got fed up and went out. She is amazing. Thank you so much knowwhatyoumean and to the rest of you. I think things are looking up.

LegacyUser

Thats great OP, it really is. Obviously there's still ALOT of hard work ahead but it sounds like you're on the road to recovery! Good luck with the chick! :-D

Andrew Flexing

some good advice in the above texts...

its hard but you got to move on and let her go...i went on holiday alone interrailling for a month after a break up...it was great and made me see a huge world full of opportunity. worked for me.

good luck