Ah, what's the point?!

LegacyUser

This is going to be like a long line of threads that all cover the same subject. I just don't know where I'm going wrong with women. I'm 28 years of age. Good job. Live in an apartment I own. I'm happy in myself, confident in who I am, and have a lot of good friends. Had a great 2009 despite being unemployed for a while. So all in all, I consider myself pretty lucky in what I have, and I'm pretty happy with who I am.

But one thing keeps escaping me. And that's finding someone to share the good thing in my life with. It's not like I've never dated any girl. I've had several girlfriends, and while these relationships may have ended, I've no regrets from them, and learned a lot about how to conduct myself in relationships. And I think I'm pretty good at them. One of my exes, whom I still talk to, sent me an email in the last year telling me she has compared every relationship she's had since we dated to ours and that I changed her views of what a guy can be and that I always made her feel happy and comfortable and loved when we were together. That made me feel pretty good, but also made me feel pretty low as I haven't really had anything like that since. Two relationships, but they weren't the best and I ended them when things got bad.

For a while, I was happy enough being single. I could come and go as I please, hang out with my friends whenever I wanted (and they had the time too!) and was happy knowing that eventually someone would come my way. To speed the process along, I joined a dating website. Out of curiosity, but hey, if something happened, fantastic. So I got talking to this girl. We started exchanging emails and it seemed to be going well. She asked me to send some photos, so I did and then zip. Nothing. Nada. That was almost two weeks ago. I checked out if she was still on the website (a little cyber-stalkish, I know, but I was curious) and she'd pulled her profile. Now, I know it's a little much to look into this and take it personally, but what else do I have to go by. Everything's going well, we're getting on great, I send some photos, and then nothing.

Now, I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world. I'm no gargoyle, but I'm no Johnny Depp either. I keep myself fit and healthy, I dress relatively well and I look after myself. I do have a bit of an issue with my hair... or lack thereof, but I shave my head to deal with it. I just cant help letting this issue with my looks get me down. Pretty much all my exes weren't exactly bowled over when they first saw me. Two of them told me that at first they weren't attracted to me at all. One of them even told me she planned on calling things off a couple of dates in because I wasn't that good looking, but gave me a chance... lucky me! (sarcasm intended!) I know these things weren't intended to hurt me, but they did. I even had one girl burst out laughing when her sisted introduced me to her. All of this I don't understand at all, because really, I don't think I'm that bad looking at all. And I've been told so a few times. (thanks, mom! )

So I just figure I may as well give up on women. While I'm perfectly happy with who I am as a person, and am confident and self-assured most of the time, the whole barrier of my looks seems to be insurmountable. Almost all my friends are in relationships. And maybe the whole Christmas period, seeing people loved-up and coupley got to me. But I just don't get why I fail at such a basic hurdle. And believe me, I do not 'punch above my weight' as may be suggested. I certainly amn't going for super-models. As long as there's an attraction and we get on, nothing else matters. I just wish I could meet someone who felt the same.

Sorry for the long, miserable, feeling-sorry-for-myself nature of this thread, but you know how cathartic these things can be!

JangoFett

I feel your pain man.
I'm 24 and in the same situation except none of my exes say they compare me to new men, had some bad break ups but not my fault, honestly now, not just saying it to make myself seem good here.
I've a good job and while not owning my own place I live in a nice house, I have good friends and a loving family. The majority of my friends are in relationships and I'm very happy for all of them but I want to have someone too; someone to share the good times with and someone to soften the bad times and make them seem better. But I got nada, zilch! When I go out I get overlooked or dirty looks. I've stopped drinking to stop trying to bat above my weight drunkenly, the ol' dutch courage has left me looking foolish on more than one occasion.
I'm no looker but not hideous, I take care of myself, go to the gym, cycle a lot, play football every week, fairly fit. I dress well enough when I feel like I should, most of the time it's jeans and a t-shirt. But I seem to blend into the background.

So I'm trying to figure out what to do, I've made a to-do list for my life over the next 2 years, if I complete all my activities and such I have this vague and vain hope that I'll find love. And if I don't, well I'll be 27/28 by then, I'll have done some cool things and I'll make a new list!

LegacyUser

hi there:

I m a girl, but I could pretty much write your post, in my case instead of the baldness it was weight, but I actually lost loads of weight about 2 years ago and didnt get it back.
However, still single and happy with myself and all but at this point.. feeling the lonely-ness starting to hit me, would love to share... etc.
Dont know what to say to you to make it better... i guess dont worry, we are all in the singledom boat for a while.

And about looks, its not the most important thing... i mean look around, look at couples, Would you date even 50% of (in your case) women that you see with some guy? I m sure you wouldn't fancy many of them... my point is variety, it exists for a reason.

Also, irish men are wellll known for not asking girls out unless
a) they know the girl from somewhere before ( ie they were introduced)
b) they drank at least over 3 pints
Use this untapped market and be friendly and start talking to women that you like and look friendly! I'd say you d be pleasely surprised

I m not irish, and I just can not believe how, the only acceptable place and time to start talking to the opposite sex is friday, saturday and sunday from 9pm onwards ( yeah ok i m exagerating a bit... but you get my point)

Best of luck


Cheers

robd55

I know your pain you have written the script of my life. Same thing house good job etc. Yet I see controversial term (scumbag/bad boy) going from girl to girl as they please. Girls I grew up with hang with scmubags and get treated accordingly. I am just saying that maybe its nice guy (ie safe no drama) syndrome? Cant speak for you and yes I know nobody wants to be in abusive/bad relationships but thats what I see.

LegacyUser

I'm 32 and your post mirrors mine right down to your lack of hair issues. I've been in two seriously relationships my whole life spanning around 6 years in total but I've been single for the last 18 months and it is really starting to get to me. The main reason that it is getting to me is because the vast majority of my friends are hooked up in relationships & I feel like their part time friend now and this was particularly apparent over Christmas were I spent most of my time on my own.

I also have issues with my looks. I am not bad looking at all & I can honestly say that if I had a full head of hair & was a few inches taller then I wouldn't have too many problems with the ladies. But in the cold light of day I am short & bald and that is what women notice. Lots of people will probably highlight that comment and say that all women aren't shallow enough to only go by looks but the vast majority do & in my experience those that don't, compensate looks with financial or some other form of security. Harsh but true.

It is tough & I feel your pain but I am going to do my best to try & make a fresh start in 2010 & maybe move apartment, job or even country to try & change my luck. It's not going to be easy but it has to be done because life is short & way too short to be spending it on your own.

Stu77

To the OP, you say your a confident guy but your post throws up a lot of insecurities about your looks especially the part where an ex's sister laughed at you the first time she saw you. I doubt very much that she was laughing at you because of the way you looked but if your insecure about something you can misinterpret other peoples comments or actions as a slight on your looks because you lack confidence in this area.

Just be the best person you can be both physically and mentally and try to be a gregarious and decent guy. Thats all anybody can expect and most women snap out of that bad boy phase anyway by the time they get into their mid to late 20's and just want to meet a decent guy who will treat them with respect. It seems like you have all that going for you anyway so don't be so downhearted.

Its such a pity that people get down about being single because its when you've made your own life and are happy in yourself, women pick up on this and you won't be short of female company. Chin up mate. Accentuate the positives and things will start to click into place for you.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, try not to let the slaphead issue get you down. I'm 32 and have been losing mine since I was 20 or 21... I bit the bullet 2 years ago and shaved it all off, the jean luc picard or Bruce willis look! Personally I have no issue with it, in fact i think it suits me! One of my mates is also the same way and he has endless success with the ladies.

I also recently split with a very long term partner which shot me down for a good while. But recently i've been getting back out there and I've surprised myself at my relative luck with the ladies! The baldness never seems to be an issue, in fact I get the odd compliment! I do of course get the ocasional smart ass remark, usually from someone I wouldn't want to be with anyway.*

I think if you put yourself out there, smile, be friendly, get some nice trendy clothes, carry yourself with confidence, it will go a long way. I'm not tall either, far from it... But no ones perfect. You can bet that every woman you may talk to has their own hang ups and are far more worried about their own percieved flaws than judging yours.*

RossFixxxed

Don't let dating a few idiots totally put you off. If someone you are dating is making comments like that... well anyway lets not go into that. I think they have undermined you more than you think, and I think having these insecurities is probably putting up a barrier for you. Charm can go a long, long, long way. So can this kind of self doubt and worry.

beks101

Con-fussed you sound lovely

These sick-of-being-single threads are so remarkably frequent I think it throws up the serious issues we have as a society when it comes to dating. We're just crap at it! I'm echoing what others have said and will continue to say about how ridiculous and very sad it is that it's confined to pubs and generally doesn't happen until we're all several pints in.

But that aside, OP if you're honest with yourself are you really being proactive in your life when it comes to meeting someone? This is a question I've been asking myself lately and the answer is a resounding NO. I know you mentioned dating websites...that's fair enough, but if you're going to play that game, you do exactly that - play the game, and don't let it become personal when someone doesn't reply, or nukes their profile, or whatever. The online world gives people liberties they wouldn't have in real life. She may have been freaked out by another profile, she may have met someone, she may have found herself an internet stalker...there's a multitude of reasons, but this sort of thing is only going to continue to show up your insecurities if you continue to lack belief in yourself. It's got nothing to do with your hair (or lack of), I assure you.

You say a lot of your friends are in relationships. This doesn't exactly encourage meeting new people when you're out - I know because I'm the exact same. I'll go out with a group of friends who are all attached and naturally enough there's zero interest in going on the pull, or even chatting to that randomer at the bar. So you wind up having a great catch up with friends, which is great but not exactly helpful. Have you any single friends you can go out with? What about work, the gym, etc is there anyone there that catches your eye and have you actually tried striking up a conversation at any stage?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies. And thank you beks, that's very nice of you to say!

You're right when you say I could be more proactive. I guess I've just let one or two shoot-downs in the past get to me and make me a little more apprehensive about approaching girls. If only everyone was courteous enough to be nice about a rejection. Although I shouldn't even let those one or two situations get to me. Why would I want to be with someone who's mean-spirited enough to embarrass someone taking a chance.

I guess I'm just more successful at the long game than the short one. The girlfriends I've had were friends or at least acquaintences before we hooked up. I thought the old net dating would be more like this because it does open up more of a dialogue. Doesn't always mean people are serious though!

I'm happy with who I am, and I think I've got a lot going for me (least of all, humility! ). I just have to stop letting this single-ness be an issue for me. Easier said than done, though.