'I see you've played knifey-spoony before': Post Your Favourite TV Quotes!

jefreywithonef

So C&H posters (this'll definitely prevent the thread getting moved from C&H, muhahaha), submit your favourite quotes from tv shows!

From the Simpsons:

Chalmers: "Was that a prayer? A prayer in a public school? God has no place within these Walls, just like fact has no place within organised religion"

Chalmers: ''Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!"

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (the lie dectector blows up)

Maude (I think): "please don't talk about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N..."...
...Krusty: "Sex Cauldron?! I thought they closed that place down!"

Some Alan Partridge quotes:

"Lynn! You couldn't present a... cat!"

[During sex] "Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianization of Norwich city centre?"

"There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent."

'‘Quick tip for yourself: if you're ever doing an after-dinner speech, you say "My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, I just popped to the toilet. And while I was there, I saw some graffiti and it said "I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"". Straight away you've got them by the jaffas.''

"That was classic intercourse! So... thanks!"

And classic Fawlty Towers :

Angry German: "Will you stop talking about the war!"
Basil: "You started it!"
Germans: "No we didn't!"
Basil: "Yes you did, you invaded Poland!"

phlegms

Some moar Alan Partridge ones:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NUoiW-0wBc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sj9S0EYS5EI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qHxQXf6kK8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQ7EPVQXUM8

D4RK ONION

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBotwBfwGCQ

My two favourite TV quotes:

"Nicee... Nicceee"

"Friend, ohh, friend, football friend!"

Edit: And how could I forget: "Have a seat, take a seat right over there"

jefreywithonef

D4RK ONION wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBotwBfwGCQ

I was just about to post that link in response to something about a Mars bar in another thread. I decided not to when I realised I've been referencing AP waaaaaaay too much today.

edit: screw it, one last quote for the night: "STOP GETTING BOND WRONG!!!"

Bobalicious93

"Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a package for me"
"Ok Mr. Burns, and what's your first name?"
"......I don't know"

"Oh Thank goodness you arrived to save me Sledge!"
"Oh don't thank goodness, thank Gun"

"Doreau that was extremely violent and totally unnecessary...
I loved it, it was poetry in motion"

"Inspector Hammer, any predictions?"
"Yes. The first brain-transplant will be performed & YOU will be the reciprient."

ironictoaster

Saw this on the cool links thread, cannot believe I forgot all about this!

Mushy

Monzo wrote: »

I was just about to post that link in response to something about a Mars bar in another thread. I decided not to when I realised I've been referencing AP waaaaaaay too much today.

edit: screw it, one last quote for the night: "STOP GETTING BOND WRONG!!!"

You can NEVER quote enough Alan:D Pity its the actions that also make it, seem a bit out of place just typing them.

AP: 'Lynn, can you get...*counts seats* two packs of Toffo's'

AP: 'Jurassic Park'

Homer: 'What if Marge, what if I slipped on the soap in the shower.......Oh My God I'd be killed'

I'll add more when I think of them.

DancingQueen:)

I love 'Are ya stupid or are ya taking lessons?' from Killinaskully

Ginja Ninja

I've already put it up but "The clap" from supernatural

Stev_o

My most over used quote

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYmg0sg8VRs

sock puppet

"I'm the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan"

Jesus Juice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2D3-FkoXNU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIqa11NCbmA

Best way to end a series ever

Mushy

Seriously loving all the Alan Partridge love here!

brummytom

"I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there"


"What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap...?"

electrogrimey

Futurama
"If we hit that bull's eye the rest of the dominoes will fall like a pack of cards. Check mate!"

Father Ted
"Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?"

Simpsons
"That's right, I'm a Lieutenant. Lieutenant L.T. Smash".

The Princess Bride (Not TV, but still)
"By any chance do you have 6 fingers on your right hand?"
"Do you start all of your conversations this way?"

Spin The Bottle
"It was a flash dump, Rats, there was nothing I could do"

The Simpsons
"We'll find your car gone using this tracking device"
"Car gone! Car gone!"
"We know that, where has it gone to?"
"CAR GONE! CAR GONE!"

Father Ted
"I'm Eoin McLove. I can have you killed."

syncosised

So much Alan Partridge, I love it!

"Lynn! You couldn't present a ... cat!"

"Not my words, the words of Top Gear magazine"

"Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!'"

knockane_ali09

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, 'never try'.

homer simpson

spurious

Linda La Hughes ('Gimme Gimme Gimme')-

'There ain't no such thing as bisexuality, it's just greediness.'

*giggles*

- "No T.V. and no beer make Homer something something"
- "Go crazy?"
- "Don't mind if I do..."

KnifeWRENCH

I could post so many here it's ridiculous, but for the meantime I'll stick with the legendary Bernard Black.

Manny: "Do you think I should wash my beard?"
Bernard: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow"

"I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. "

"My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook....bits of oven."

Fran: "You haven't stared at me... "
Bernard: "You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree."

"Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less."

"Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... "

"Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh. "

Manny: "It's not my fault you're hungover."
Bernard: "It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out."

"If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police."

Fran: "Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?"
Bernard: "Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."

"I can't help being angry when I'm furious"

norwegianwood

I don't really like Mock the Week, but I laughed for about 5 minutes after seeing this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-oXVwmzxsI

phlegms

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I could post so many here it's ridiculous, but for the meantime I'll stick with the legendary Bernard Black.

Manny: "Do you think I should wash my beard?"
Bernard: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow"

"I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. "

"My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook....bits of oven."

Fran: "You haven't stared at me... "
Bernard: "You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree."

"Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less."

"Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... "

"Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh. "

Manny: "It's not my fault you're hungover."
Bernard: "It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out."

"If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police."

Fran: "Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?"
Bernard: "Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."

"I can't help being angry when I'm furious"

Someone awesome got me the boxset for Christmas, definitely going to do a black books marathon tonight now!

Pygmalion

Need more IT Crowd, stealing these from the IMDB page:

Roy: [singing] We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do; you've just used a double negative

[Trying to put out a fire and having just set the fire to the extinguisher]
Moss: I'll just put it here with the rest of the fire.

Roy: [repeated throughout the series]
[answering the phone]
Roy: Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Douglas: How the hell do you two guys work with a finger lickin' piece of chicken like that?

Roy: I'm not turning it up to eight Moss! It'll blow my cock off !

This one's a bit too long to quote and embedding disabled but it's worth watching

A Neurotic

KnifeWRENCH wrote: »

I could post so many here it's ridiculous, but for the meantime I'll stick with the legendary Bernard Black.

Manny: "Do you think I should wash my beard?"
Bernard: "I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow"

"I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress. "

"My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook....bits of oven."

Fran: "You haven't stared at me... "
Bernard: "You're my oldest friend. Anyway, you look like you just fell out of a tree."

"Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less."

"Millwall, Millwall, you're all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated... "

"Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh. "

Manny: "It's not my fault you're hungover."
Bernard: "It is your fault! If I lived with a normal person, there wouldn't be so much to blot out."

"If I hear any nonagerian hanky-panky I'm calling the police."

Fran: "Do you know that in Tibet when they want something they give something away?"
Bernard: "Do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power."

"I can't help being angry when I'm furious"

I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!

Bobalicious93

"0118 999 881 99 911 972 5...........3"

It's incredibly sad that I knew that off the top of my head. Please don't tell me that's actually right...

Fad

"They've taken the roads in"

Joneser

Great bit from red dwarf, the punch line is one of my favourites of all time

Rimmer: [dramatically] Somehow we've lost the last four days.
The Cat: Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always there.
Rimmer: Aliens!
Lister: What?
The Cat: What are you talking about, grease stain?
Rimmer: It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind probe, erase your memory, and put you back.
Lister: OK, aliens came aboard.
Rimmer: Without question.
Lister: They broke my leg.
Rimmer: For some reason.
The Cat: They broke MY leg.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: And then they did a jigsaw.
Rimmer: Right.
Holly: Well, that's cleared that up then.
Rimmer: Look, you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are: alien. They do alien things. Things that are... alien. Maybe this is the way they communicate.
The Cat: By breaking legs?
Lister: And doing jigsaws?
Rimmer: Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens.
Lister: OK, professor, what does it mean?
Rimmer: Maybe, maybe, OK? Breaking your leg hurts like hell, OK? "Hel." They do it below the knee, "lo." "Hel-lo," gettit? They do it twice - twice, "two." "Hello two." And the jigsaw must mean "you." "Hello to you."
[pause]
The Cat: I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!
[Cat limps away]

uncleoswald

“Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!”

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YknjhnywGGI

A Neurotic

Thank you for returning my manuscript, and your enclosed nasty niminy piminy little note. I am afraid YOUR letter is unsuitable for ME at the present time as I have just spent the entire weekend writing the novel that you have summarily rejected. I can only assume that it is company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in ten foot high braille.

And yes, I am aware that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection, but in this as with all else I am an innovator, therefore I may freely address you as piss midget.

Still, there’s time for you to change your views and I think you will when we meet - and meet we most assuredly will, when I suck out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screams you'll make as I head-butt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard Black

Joneser

uncleoswald wrote: »

And

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YknjhnywGGI

omg lol, arrested development is the best show ever, i wont start putting in quotes from it or ill never stop :P

KnifeWRENCH

A Neurotic wrote: »

Thank you for returning my manuscript, and your enclosed nasty niminy piminy little note. I am afraid YOUR letter is unsuitable for ME at the present time as I have just spent the entire weekend writing the novel that you have summarily rejected. I can only assume that it is company policy to reject all manuscripts not submitted in ten foot high braille.

And yes, I am aware that it is traditionally bad form to respond to any kind of criticism or rejection, but in this as with all else I am an innovator, therefore I may freely address you as piss midget.

Still, there’s time for you to change your views and I think you will when we meet - and meet we most assuredly will, when I suck out your eyes and use them as stoppers for my ears to muffle the screams you'll make as I head-butt you into a fine paste. I do hope you will not be disheartened by your sudden, violent death.

Yours faithfully,

Bernard Black

EPIC.

"'Oh, I love you Eileen Beag,
I love you Eileen Beag,
I love your feet and your eyes and your face.
I love your knees and your house and your... place,
I love your cows and your mother and your teeth.
I love your cupboards and your loft and your swimming pool,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,
Eileen Beag,
But leave us alone now for the minute.'

Jako8

Murray: Be careful with it. Don't stand next to any big magnets.
Jemaine: Why would I stand next to a big magnet?
Murray: I don't know what you do in your personal life.

Dave: Women love that sensitive nautical ****.
Bret: Really?
Dave: Yeah. Haven't you ever seen Watership Down?

Jemaine: It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently some would say more correctly. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.

Jemaine: [Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.

Eddie: The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?
Jemaine: Sounds like something a lamppost could do.

Bret: So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
Jemaine: Is that the norm?
Dave: Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
Bret: What do you mean, people like us?
Dave: You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine: We're not English.
Dave: Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine: What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Cro-Asians, even the Indians
Bret: Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Dave: Yeah, sometimes.
Jemaine: But you're our best friend.
Dave: I know.

Bret: Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you
can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine: Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
Bret: I can't believe you just said that.

Murray: Bret, you should have a guitar.
Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
Murray: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the 'big guitar' that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Murray: Well, I call it the 'Dad guitar' 'cause it's more like (deep voice) "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's 'Mum guitar' to add the beautiful tones (high voice) "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" (deep voice) "I was just havin' a few beers."
Bret: It'll sound fine.
Murray: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! (Bret plays his air guitar) I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.

These aren't even the best quotes/

Jesus Juice

I LOVE THIS THREAD:D

Pygmalion

Jesus Juice wrote: »

I LOVE THIS THREAD:D

What show is that quote from?

Jako8

Pygmalion wrote: »

What show is that quote from?

The failed Boards.ie TV pilot.

Shacklebolt

Good old Peep Show....

"Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't face reality."

"Crunchy Nut cornflakes are just Frosties for ****."

"So finally justice is served. Well, not actual justice, just what I wanted. Which is basically the same thing."

"I have to find April before somebody else realises she has that magical combination of good looks and low self esteem! "

"Yes I'm doing it already! I'm so pathetic, that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure! This is what you've done, you've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years, I hope you're proud!"

"Stop pissing on my bonfire."
"There IS no bonfire!"
"Because you keep pissing on it!!"

"Oh Superhans just took 4 grams of coke to relax him for the big speech..."

"This is good, this is just like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard on, and I want to cry."

"Meet my friend Mr stabby knife!"

Jesus Juice

''We have them in America, they're called Bull Frogs''
''Really?I would've called them Chuzzwazzahs!''

Shacklebolt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av8NTy5WkFc

KnifeWRENCH

Aargh! TOO MANY QUOTES!

Futurama
"One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And then the next day he has nothing. It really makes you think." - Zapp Branigan

"Your music's bad and you should feel bad" - Dr. Zoidberg

Fry: "Tell her she looks thin."
Zoidberg: "You seem malnourished. Are you suffering from internal parasites?"

FOTC
Bret: You know, you've got to work on your people skills.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.

Dave: It shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie - "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" - she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.
Jemaine: I haven't...I haven't seen that one.
Dave: Well, it really affected me.

Landlord: I'm going to give you a month to pay me
Bret: Can we pick which month?
Landlord: No

Murray: Greg, I need some anti-glue.
Greg: What is anti-glue?
Murray: It's anti-glue, it gets rid of glue.
Greg: I don't think that exists Murray.
Murray: Well, just get it, okay?

Jemaine: You're so beautiful, like a tree or a high-class prostitute.

Bret: She's so hot, but I don't want to tell her 'cause she'll think I'm being sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist......bitch."

Arrested Development
Tobias: Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other.

Tobias: "I just blue myself."

Gob: Steve Holt's not my son.
George Michael Bluth: Steve Holt? What, the moron jock?
Gob: That's my son, you pothead.

Gob:I'm dating this Christian girl right now. She wants me to be honest and reconnect with my son. And I'm trying to get her to renounce God and **** me, but I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

Maeby, talking about Ann: "She barely even has a face.You couldnt pick her out of a lineup of one"

Lucille, talking about her Mexican housekeeper: "They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends."

Gob: "I'm a failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper."

peabutler

Will: Can We just Please have some fucking civilised conversation, for one day!!!


Neil: So, How many pieces of Lego can you stick up your bum?

Arcade Panda

Flight of the Conchords: Season One

Mel: Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?
Murray: A little bit. 'Round the eyes.
Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?
Murray: Well she's... she's got eyes.

---

Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus]
Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you...
Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man.

Shacklebolt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRT70ceAMQ4

jefreywithonef

Peep Show:
Jez: And you've got weird nuts.
Mark: What?! How did you....
Jez: If you're going to watch T.V. in your dressing gown, you may want to put some pants on.

Jez - Stop pissing on my bonfire.
Mark - There is no bonfire?!
Jez - That's because you keep pissing on it.

Mark: "Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back."

Jeremy: You da man!!!
Mark: I'm a man!!
Jeremy: It's you da man
Mark: Whatever Jeremy, lets not quibble. . I'm a man!

Mark: Oh great - I'm having an angry lapdance!
Mark [during lapdance]: Oh great. I’m getting an erection. How grimly predictable.

Jez: [speaking at his uncle's funeral] Uh, yeah, I spent some time with Ray before he went and I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things, like science or the stock market and we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say, Enya before but that now I really, really was into Enya and that in fact, I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral. Yeah?

Super Hans: people like coldplay and voted for the nazis, you cant trust people jeremy.

Bobalicious93

Who loves orange soda?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcdPcqls-u8

D4RK ONION

Look what Kel is doing these days!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOrAB-feefg

This is mixed by the same guy who did the slapchop. That show is actually very funny.

"And eventually you just hope for that release"

"YOU'RE UNSTABLE" haha, that bit gets me everytime

masseyferguson

nelson muntz:shopliftings a victimless crime,like punchin someone in the dark

Shacklebolt

Oh I'm painfully aware what Kel does these days....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmQYcYoTkDk

Dothehustle

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish.
Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?

Dougal: Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate

Simon: Its YOUR spunk!!
Neil: but it's YOUR car!
Simon: What...so if I spunked in your face it would be yours?

Rowley Birkin QC

Only reason I mention is is because I was walking through a ridiculously crowded Coppers one night, bumped into some guy and was jokingly waving my fist at him, this blonde girl quoted this in a perfect Shelbyville accent, I was absolutely dumbstruck, we spent about 30 minutes exchanging quotations and opinions on 80's power ballads. Then she got pissed off when I told her I had a girlfriend. It was good while it lasted though!!

A Neurotic

*Futurama - Fry is smelling various planets using the Professor's Smelloscope*

Fry: Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. :pac: :pac: :pac:

Leela: I don't get it...

Professor: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

Fry: Oh. What's it called now?

Professor: Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you.