Engaged but falling in love with someone else

LegacyUser

I am a female in my late 20s who is engaged to my very long term boyfriend. We have been together since our late teens and have a great relationship.

In all our time together I have never even looked at another man and I know he has never strayed either. About 6 months ago this new guy started in work and as soon as we met we just clicked. We spend a lot of time working close together and we just got on so well.

Aswell as that he is a hugely attractive man who as the attention of every girl in the office and whenever we go out. There had been an undoubted spark between us to the point where colleagues were even picking up on it and making comments. Roll around to the xmas party and you guessed it, we kissed.

A huge part of me feels a huge sense of shame and guilt over what I did. He initiated it but I admit that I didn't pull away. Things went no further but I was absolutely mortified with myself over what happened. I often spoke to other people and looked down on them when hearing stories of infidelity. I could barely look at my bf in the face after it happened for fear he would know just by looking at me.

I am so confused at the moment because I am now starting to question whether I love my boyfriend. I always thought that I did but now I'm thinking that if I truly loved him I wouldn't have been so attracted to this other man. The other man has indicated to me that were I free & single that he would want to pursue a relationship with me. We talk & txt all the time when we're not in work and see each other socially. I know I should cut all contact with him but I can't because we work so closely with each other and to be honest, it would make me feel sad & miserable if I didn't get to see him. Moving jobs in the current climate is not an option.

I'm afraid that the feeling I have for my bf now is one of a life partner, best friend and companion. We've been going out for such a long time that we have a set routine in everything we do. I understand that the new guy is probably just an infatuation but the feeling I have for him seems so much stronger than the feeling I remember having when I first starting going out with my current bf.

I am due to get married next summer and I'm dreading the thought of it now. I am so confused because I don't know how to find out what it is I truly want.

I'm not sure if anyone can help me but thanks for reading this

Nettie

You have to tell your boyfriend about this. It's okay to feel attracted to others when you're in a relationship: that's normal. But acting on it is totally unfair. You have to talk to your boyfriend about this and see where that takes you. You've been together a long time and can hopefully get through this

LegacyUser

I think that a lot of people go through similar things, long term relationships become routine and excitment can disappear, this man at work probably makes you feel attractive and sexy, something perhaps your current bf is not doing to the same extent.

You're saying that the feelings are greater than when first getting together with current bf, it's difficult though to compare these considering your age with first boyfriend, you were more than likely not in a slump within a relationship at the time, to me it sounds like your current relationship has gotten too boring and routine (and this can happen through no fault of yours or his, it's extremely common).

I always think advice is very difficult to give because no relationship is the same but I met my gf at work, she was seeing someone else at the time and we hit it off, just like you, people at work were making jokes and commenting about us and eventually she broke it off with him and we're now going out a little over 2 years - my gf discussed reasons why she did end up with me and basically I gave her attention and made her feel special, something her past bf of 4 years wasn't doing, she said I gave her the nudge she needed - are you really just looking for this nudge and need an excuse?

My view on you kissing this man is that your bf should be told - a relationship is about two people enjoying life together, you're trying to now decide if you want to stay with you current bf but he deserves to make a decision on whether he wants to stay with you now. It's unfair for him to live his life with you believing you have always been 100% faithful to him, to me he is now living a lie and deserves to decide if he wishes to make things work because you your relationship has slid into routine.

All in all, are you looking for a nudge to get out of your current relationship? Do you just need to get the spice back in your current relationship by both of you making a little more effort? You said that you see your partner now as a life companion, well is that what you want at this stage of your life?

As much as I do not condone your actions, I feel for you and hope you and your current boyfriend find your way whether it is together or with someone else. Best of luck.

Sephiroth_dude

You need to tell your b/f asap how your feeling and then you need to go away and sort your head out and figure out what you really want,best of luck to ya.

magneticimpulse

doesnt matter if it was the xmas party. you still kissed someone else and therefore i think you no longer love your boyfriend. i dont think its fair on him and you should discuss with him. its not something you can just erase from your mind.

Bad Seed

Definately don't tell your boyfriend, he will lose all respect for you, say mean things to you and possibly throw something at you. Is that what you want?

CDfm

OP - you are not ready for marriage and it would be unfair on your boyfriend.

Ego wise the attention you are getting is great and indeed you love it. Its sometimes great for a guy to chat up the unavailable as there is no risk. To tell someone if only they were free could be a throw away compliment too.

The difference between you and your work colleague is that he can have a fling with you and he has nothing to loose. You on the other hand have lots to loose. All the girls fancy him so you have lots of competition.

In the scheme of things are you senior or junior to him and do you have the opportunity to work on other work that is other than the work than you do with him.

It may be that you are pursuing him.

LegacyUser

OP, i wouldn't tell your boyfriend initially. If you're still in love with your boyfriend then it might only serve to relieve you of the guilt. Take time to see how you feel before making a move. I actually believe that your feelings (or lack of feelings) for your boyfriend is more important that the act of kissing this other lad. I think you might need a little time to make sense of how your feeling at the moment so maybe take a step back and see how you feel in the new year.

CDfm

TakeTime wrote: »

OP, i wouldn't tell your boyfriend initially. If you're still in love with your boyfriend then it might only serve to relieve you of the guilt. Take time to see how you feel before making a move. I actually believe that your feelings (or lack of feelings) for your boyfriend is more important that the act of kissing this other lad. I think you might need a little time to make sense of how your feeling at the moment so maybe take a step back and see how you feel in the new year.

Take Time - I think you are being to easy. If it was the other way around there would be a huge number of posts about emotional cheating.

OP - its very simple -you are not behaving like a woman who is about to get married and are not acting professionally in your work place.

You seem to be lacking on the integrity stakes and if you were honest with your boyfriend then he would not want to marry you.You are looking after your own self interest.

Its that simple -pee or get off the pot.

Djuret

I don't see the point in getting married, if you're already cheating on your boyfriend.

Maybe just accept the fact that you're not going to be happy with him in the long run, break up with him and spare yourself and him a decade of lost time.

Lolaa

Personally i would tell my bf exactly what was after happening, lay everything out on the table.

Then you have to take time out for yourself and decide whether you wana be wit your bf or whether something was lacking in the relationship that made you go else where? Mayb you where in a rut and needed to change things?

CDfm

Djuret wrote: »

I don't see the point in getting married, if you're already cheating on your boyfriend.

Maybe just accept the fact that you're not going to be happy with him in the long run, break up with him and spare yourself and him a decade of lost time.

Djuret - do you think this is fair on the b/f as if she has any feelings for him she should want to spare him the hassle. Surely, the OP is being very selfish here by keeping up the pretence.The OP isnt loosing any time as she is the cheater.

LegacyUser

You have a crush, you had a stupid kiss.

I would step back from the situation with the colleague for now.

Work on things with the b/f instead. You don't need to tell him about this. Crushes fade. Very few people, even married ones, have never fancied a colleague, but that doesn't mean their marriages are doomed or built on false pretences.
As another poster said, your relationship is stronger & more important than one silly kiss with someone you hardly know.
Take three months to work on your own relationship and then honestly evaluate. Try to take the colleague out the equation (difficult I know), but if after that time you feel you and the bf won't go the distance then be honest enough to break up. Don't start thinking the colleague is the next big one, cause the chances are he isn't. But remember thats whats meant for you won't pass you by, just do things the right away to avoid regrets.

CDfm

peachmelba wrote: »

You have a crush, you had a stupid kiss.

How can you reconcile this as she has acted/is acting on it.

LegacyUser

Its like I am reading my on life story here. Had a nice man, met another more excisting guy through work and basically kissed this guy at a work do, it turned my head and I believed I was in love with him and finished with my ex. The ex found out and was devastated but I deserved it. I took a job abroad to be with the new guy, am to this day convinced he was cheating on me all the time but could never prove it and was too proud after leaving my finace for him to leave him.

The toll on my mental health was enormous. I met my ex 3 years later, we had a fling and I wanted him back but he didnt... Fair enough.. The end of the story is, I am now in a relationship with someone who doesnt want kids but I would have loved them. I am almost 40 and while happy wish I had the whole 2.2 kids and white picked fence. My ex went on to get married and live a much happier life than me.

I used to be very moralistic about the cheating thing but when I was doing it, it was a cheap thrill and an ego boost but in hindsight I am hugely embarassed and ashamed of it. It messed with my head for 3 years or more after meeting up with the ex again and I could not even consider looking at another guy all that time. As a result, my 'baby making' years passed by and here I am...

What you are doing here is hitting a self destruct button. I dont envy you. If you stay with your fiance you will always wonder but I assure you, the grass is seldom greener... You will have to live with a huge level of guilt for what you have done and the hurt you are likely to cause your fiance should you finish with him.

Good luck - you really need it.