Feel let down

LegacyUser

I am just so disappointed in my husband - yet again I feel totally insignificant to him. Every Christmas, we sort of say to each other that THIS year we will not exchange gifts - we have three kids, early twenties and a young teen, so it is an expensive time, no doubt about it. The reasoning behind the no gift policy is that we cannot afford it.

I am not a demanding sort of person - we never ever go out, birthdays are not celebrated particularly, nor our wedding anniversary, just token little bottles of aftershave, or choccies, which is fine. This year he didn't even remember the anniversary, ok, fine.

Well the Christmas thing - notwithstanding the fact that we say we will not give each other anything, I always do get him a little something, never spend more than a tenner or so, but more for the thought, and also it is nice for daughter to see that mum gives dad a present. Sometimes he does, more often than not, he doesn't, and then acts all *I thought we agreed not to* even though he knows I always do get him a token gift.

Well this year I was sort of convinced that I would get some chocolate, or something cheap and tiny (as he had forgotten the wedding anniversary) and he knows that I always get a present for him to unwrap on the morning. Well, I waited, and waited, - nothing. His present was hidden, and I did not give it to him this year. I am pissed off, especially as I know for a fact that he spent money on a lottery ticket, and then maintains that we can't afford to give each other a gift. He doesn't know why I am annoyed, I don't really know why I am annoyed, but I really really am

dudara

This is clearly bothering you, and in fairness, I'm in agreement with you here.

However, he's not magically going to cop himself on. You need to sit down together and let him know how this makes you feel. Explain the underlying emotions to him and how his forgetfulness impacts you.

LegacyUser

I have. I understand that we cannot give each other lavish gifts, but a little bit of effort makes me feel appreciated and cared for - we do not have enough money to go out regularly, or ever even, but once a year maybe on our wedding anniversary would be nice. He just never seems to care enough about it, even though I have explained that I do.

I honestly feel now that it has nothing to do with finances - I think he just doesn't want to.These last three days I have gone from feeling hurt, to downright pissed off.

krudler

Well the Christmas thing - notwithstanding the fact that we say we will not give each other anything, I always do get him a little something, never spend more than a tenner or so, but more for the thought, and also it is nice for daughter to see that mum gives dad a present. Sometimes he does, more often than not, he doesn't, and then acts all *I thought we agreed not to* even though he knows I always do get him a token gift.

That needs to stop, the whole "oh we wont get each other anything" NEVER works as someone will inevitabley always buy something small then be horribly disappointed when the other doesnt, going by the initial agreement, just say you want something and make life easier for everyone instead of saying one thing then hoping he does the opposite.

Not ever buying you anything is a bit much though, i prefer buying my girlfriend silly little personal things at random times rather than splashing out at the "expected" times of christmas and birthdays, she's always complaining she forgets to bring spare socks to sleep in so i bought her a bunch of pairs to leave at mine and she was delighted with them, things like that. Why dont ye agree to spend what you would have on presents for each other and book a night in a cheap hotel somewhere in the city or go to dinner and make the evening about yourselves rather than material gifts

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

That needs to stop, the whole "oh we wont get each other anything" NEVER works as someone will inevitabley always buy something small then be horribly disappointed when the other doesnt, going by the initial agreement, just say you want something and make life easier for everyone instead of saying one thing then hoping he does the opposite.

Well yes - I always do, and he mostly doesn't.

krudler

annoyedagain wrote: »

Well yes - I always do, and he mostly doesn't.

Thats your own fault though, its a bit unfair to say no gifts, then buy one anyway expecting him to do the same, why not cut out the bs and just agree to buy gifts to begin with? why cant women understand that men only accept the logical side of things "dont buy me anything" doesnt translate as "i really expct you to buy me something really thoughtful as i've done the same for you" to a lot of guys, so stop getting upset that hes done exactly what ye agreed to in the first place

I do agree that it sucks he doesnt remember anniversaries and put in much effort, but playing games and saying one thing while expecting another doesnt help either

keep
it
simple

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

Thats your own fault though, its a bit unfair to say no gifts, then buy one anyway expecting him to do the same, why not cut out the bs and just agree to buy gifts to begin with?

Actually, I am not the one who goes on about no gifts - he maintains that we cannot afford to spend money on buying things for each other.I don't actually expect a gift.In actual fact I know damn well that I probably won't get one. He usually says *I hope you're not getting me anything, because I've bought nothing for you We have no money, blah blah.* Ok fine. He knows in his heart of hearts that I always get him a little something. I think he doesn't want me to buy him anything, because he can't be bothered to put in the same effort.

But don't go telling me that you cannot afford to buy me anything, when you can spend money at the bookies, or a lottery ticket.

Stella777

I think next Christmas you should just suggest to your husband that you two exchange token gifts and set a spending limit, say 15 Euro or whatever is comfortable for your finances. Problem solved. Men are not good at mind reading, they really aren't.

krudler

Actually, I am not the one who goes on about no gifts - he maintains that we cannot afford to spend money on buying things for each other.I don't actually expect a gift.In actual fact I know damn well that I probably won't get one. He usually says *I hope you're not getting me anything, because I've bought nothing for you We have no money, blah blah.* Ok fine. He knows in his heart of hearts that I always get him a little something. I think he doesn't want me to buy him anything, because he can't be bothered to put in the same effort.

so stop buying him token gifts? in your first post you said WE say not to give each other gifts not HE says,i agree its lousy to spend money on other things and not something small and nice for you, but not when you've agreed to that from the beginning, just make things clearer and you'll save yourself the disappointment

CDfm

annoyedagain wrote: »

.

But don't go telling me that you cannot afford to buy me anything, when you can spend money at the bookies, or a lottery ticket.

I dont think this is about the gift. Its about the bookies and lottery tickets and you wanting the odd night out.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

I dont think this is about the gift. Its about the bookies and lottery tickets and you wanting the odd night out.

Bingo. There's more to it than this. If he got you something small like a box of Milk Tray would everything be okay? Sounds to me like you're annoyed generally that the romance and spontaneity has gone out of your relationship. Absolutely understandable and you need to discuss this with him instead of seething like this. What do you reckon OP?

CDfm

Eve - 3 kids one wage is a lot of responsibility. Try not to be too hard.

Yes I believe they need the odd night out.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

Eve - 3 kids one wage is a lot of responsibility. Try not to be too hard.

Yes I believe they need the odd night out.

Not sure how you saw my comment as hard??

The OP did state in her first post that once again, she feels totally insignificant to him but yet says nothing to him.

Nobody is at fault here. No doubt he feels the same way deep down but priorities with regards to money have changed over the years. Romance costs nothing and to me that sounds like the bigger issue. Something is amiss here more than just the little pressie at Christmas and that was my point.

CDfm

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Not sure how you saw my comment as hard??

The OP did state in her first post that once again, she feels totally insignificant to him but yet says nothing to him.

I imagine its like everything goes on the kids and maybe they need to get some sort of thing going to get out more.

I didnt really mean that you were overly harsh just that the OP and hubby probably need to include themselves in the budget.

LegacyUser

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Bingo. There's more to it than this. If he got you something small like a box of Milk Tray would everything be okay? Sounds to me like you're annoyed generally that the romance and spontaneity has gone out of your relationship. Absolutely understandable and you need to discuss this with him instead of seething like this. What do you reckon OP?

Yes, a box of Milk Tray would have been alright. As I said before, we can't afford to spend lots, but it is the thought that counts - and as far as I can see, there is no thought.

I can always manage to find the odd tenner or so to get a little something, and I always do, even though he makes a big deal of saying *no gifts*.And so could he if he wanted to. I think he just doesn't want to..... spend any money on me at all. It annoys the crap out of me that the reasoning is lack of funds, when then he can spend (more than the price of a box of choccies, by the way) on a frickin lottery ticket. I feel hurt.

Anfield Road

Look, coming from a similair angle as the OP. We are 9 years together and have 3 kids under 8 and neither of us got a Xmas pressie this year and both told each other we would not do it!. The kids come first at Christmas and I don't care once they have want they want and need and the dinner is on the table and we are having it really hard financially.
Honestly, my hubbie is terrible, he never gets me presents or cards (even from the kids and before finances got this tight) for occasions and I am used to it now so don't let it get to me. I make an effort for him from the kids for him but nobody in his whole family would get a present or card if he wasn't married!.
Seriously, you just get used to it and if you feel that bad, do what I have done when I get upset. Spend a few quid on yourself and get something nice and tell him you bought it for yourself as a present coz nobody else is going to bother.
I also live in the hope the odd year that MAYBE this time I will get something...but nah it doesn't happen so I won't let something like that tie me up in knots.
Chin up I say:-)

Anfield Road

CDfm wrote: »

Eve - 3 kids one wage is a lot of responsibility. Try not to be too hard.

Yes I believe they need the odd night out.

Oh jesus, you will love this scenario so. My hubbie and I have not been out together since The Police gig in Croke Park over a year ago.....we can't afford it all plus I supposed had a new baby recently and that is also a reason but if we could manage it we would like to get out for a night but we just can't for a long time!.

magneticimpulse

neither my dad or brother got any presents for anyone. it was just up to my mam and myself to get gifts for the family. "dad" works alot, so i figure he doesnt know what to get and doesnt have time. brother had just split up with ex. for me this is not a good example to set other people in your family. i did make a fuss about this, but i suppose my brother and dad love us and they said that people should give presents without expecting to receive one back. i think if your husband is a loving husband in other ways, then dont get too angry as i think its typical of alot of men!

maybe you can convince him to go out to dinner? or go do an activity together? maybe buy some cheap ryanair tickets (under 10 euro) for a day trip to edinburgh or some european city for a weekend. then let him pay for the hotel?? i think men are just lost for idea's and then dont get any gift at all. i know ive had to help my dad a few christmas's buy gifts for my mam. i know my bro's ex helped my brother shopping last year. im sure your husband has thought about it...and he prob thought too much about it. im sure he would be willing to go ahead with the trip away idea. maybe in future...suggest to him which gift you would like?