What to do

LegacyUser

My partner and I have been together for a few years, we have children together and I thought we were doing great. However he is convinced that I have cheated and has more than once brought it up with me and we have spent the last fortnight arguing about it non-stop. He says if I just admit to it we can move on and though we will not be the same we can try to rebuild something, but until then, he wants nothing to do with me.

The truth is one an occasion I kissed a man (we were broken up at the time) and another time we were in a bad place I was kissed by a man and I did stop it from going further but I did not sleep with anyone! However my partner is not convinced this is the full story and is obsessed with me having slept with someone, I have fought tooth and nail to try and keep my dignity in this, but it seems the only way this will go away is if I say I slept with someone. I don't know what to do. I have to think of our kids too. I am just so exhausted by this!

Piste

Have you told him that you kiss two other guys?

LegacyUser

yes I have, he was shocked and hurt by the second guy but he admitted to kissing someone too when we were broken up. I understand that he is hurt and feels he cannot trust me, but I dont know should I lie about sleeping with someone so we can try to get on with our lives

star-pants

Not a lot of advice - but don't admit to anything you didn't do - it won't help.
If he's having trouble dealing with you kissing someone else (which he appears to) he'll have major issue if you admit to sleeping with someone (which is a lie).

If he can't trust you - then that's a big problem, you've both admitted to kissing someone else - you trust him that that's all he did. He can't trust that you've only kissed someone. I would suggest sitting down and talking it out, seeing how he really feels about everything, but if he's arguing nonstop about it then you may not be able to just sit down.

Would you guys consider counselling? Even if it were only to allow you both to have your say without it descending into an arguement.

martdalto

I might be on the completely wrong track here and forgive me if I am, but maybe, he is protesting too much. You have both admitted to kissing other people. You believe him and trust him, he doesn't feel the same about you...

Is it possible that he is lying about just kissing someone, and because he is lying to you, automatically assumes that you are also lying to him? (In the same way that you are telling him the truth, and so assume that he is also telling the truth) And then maybe if you "admit" it, he will feel safe to admit it too - hence "move on"??

As I said, it's likely I'm way WAY off.. but if it's something he's going on and on about, then there could easily be more to it.

By the way - don't admit to something you haven't done... for ANY reason.

thee glitz

martdalto wrote: »

Is it possible that he is lying about just kissing someone...

And then maybe if you "admit" it, he will feel safe to admit it too - hence "move on"??
As I said, it's likely I'm way WAY off..

This was my first thought but, as martdalto, I believe this could be way off.
Could you tell him that he is only casting suspicion on himself?

martdalto wrote: »

By the way - don't admit to something you haven't done... for ANY reason.

Agreed.

LegacyUser

I just wish I could get this to go away, Christmas was ruined and I just want it all to go away

star-pants

staying anon wrote: »

I just wish I could get this to go away, Christmas was ruined and I just want it all to go away

Understandable - having that type of tension etc in the house and trying to keep face for the children must be hard.
But if you want this to work it's going to be just as hard - do you think you guys can pull through? as I asked, would ye consider a counsellor? even to mediate?

LegacyUser

we cried all day christmas day. we were both wrecks, I have not eaten a more than a few mouthfuls of food here and there since the argument started. I have slept very little and my heart is pounding like a bodhran! I have broken down crying several times while holding my children, thinking of whether or not they will have a two-parent family at new years. I came from a one parent household and I dispised it more than anything in the world

star-pants

I'm not meaning to be rude at all - but is it something you think you can work out?
Worst case scenario your children will always have two parents, whether they're together or not.

Wurly

OP, I know the thought of a single parent family scares you due to your own experiences..

But my parents really should have divorced years ago. Instead, they stayed together. our childhoods were destroyed. The house was unbearable. The most unbelievable arguments, house smashed up on regular occasions and on a few occasions, physical violence.

We are adults now but seeing and hearing those things damaged myself and my sisters for many years. I wish they had have divorced.

Sometimes a single parent family is the lesser of two evils. And at least, this way, the kids get to see both parents in harmonious settings.

But as previously suggested - would you not go to relationship counselling? I know that I would personally do all I could before I walked away. If something can be salvaged here, work hard for it.

Im sorry things have not been easy. I hope things get better for you.x

LegacyUser

I love my partner and our children adore him. I will do everything I can to keep this going, include take a hit for something i did not do. I just need to think of a story. If it all doesn't work I can still leave knowing I did nothing

cafecolour

TBH it almost sounds like he's cheated, and is trying to convince himself you have as well to justify his guilty conscience.

Demand relationship counseling or separate. You can't live like this.

LegacyUser

A few years ago when we were living with my family, some sex related things were found on my vanity dresser, after he and I came back from a few days away. He was gone for longer than I was a blames me. The sex thing was belonging to me and I thought I had it well hidden, but I clearly didn't. I wish he would believe me and we could get on with our lives

LegacyUser

OP, why are you willing to lie about something you didn't do. I wouldn't do it. But it's your relationship. Just think of your children too, in the long term i mean

CDfm

I think you guys need to see someone professionally and I would start by talking to your GP -spending Xmas crying just aint normal and lay off the booze for the rest of the holidays.

If a person - like your husband is stressed or depressed he may imagine the worst and he has no evidence that you cheated or you him.

You started off your marriage living with family and no privacy and seem to be overly focused on the past. Try just to think of the present and what you can do now to make it happier.

Thats my 10 cents.

martdalto

Op, what do you really think will happen if you "admit" to sleeping with someone else?

Do you think he'll give you a hug and say, "Thanks for telling me, now let's move on and forget all about it"

Or do you think it will turn into a hug row, of "I knew it, why did you deny it and lie to me for all this time? How can I trust you now after you blatantly lied to my face about it for so long?" And then whenever another row happens, he will always bring it back to.. "Well you did sleep with someone else...."

If you want to work this out, you have to work through it. Both of you.. he has to agree to counselling. You both have to go and realise that what you are going to hear may not be very nice, and may hurt you even more than you are hurting now. But if you both want to work it out.. then that's what needs to be done.

Either that, or spend the rest of your lives living in that atmosphere.. and him doubting everything you ever say.

Why not show him this thread? It might be a start to talking things through, and him seeing how far you are prepared to go to salvage your relationship...??

LegacyUser

Well I guess there are a lot of people here that can say I told you so. I told my OH that I was unfaithful a long time ago and sure enough he went ape! He went off and told all his friends, all of whom now are not talking to me now and I am being blamed for ruining our relationship.

I am being labelled a tramp for doing nothing and my children are going to be in half a home for no other reason than their father being obsessed with being cheated on!

martdalto

Op, what's the point in anyone saying "I told you so".. it's not going to make anything better for you is it?

I'm really sorry for what you are going through at the moment. I do think there is no way back for your relationship at this stage.. and to be honest, being from "half" a home as you call it is so much better than being from a very tense and unhappy home.

Is there any one of his friends who you can talk to. Not necessarily to plead your case to get back with him.. I don't think that's going to happen, and I don't think YOU should, anyway. But if he has a friend who is fairly sensible and willing to listen, you could maybe put your side across, and tell him what you have been going through for all this time. I'm sure they know they sort of intense person he can be.. so it won't be a huge shock.

Don't pit them against each other though. At the end of the day, your OH is their friend, so their loyalty will ultimately lie with him, but that's not to say that you can't have your say, and maybe persuade at least one of them that there are 2 sides to every story.

Good Luck to you, I really do wish you well and hope that things improve soon.

CDfm

OP tell him the truth and tell your friends the truth that he theorised that you had an affair and you falsely agreed for a quite life.

There is no point in deviating from the truth here.

Make contact with a marriage councelling service or GP and ask him to come along.

If it was me I would get back on track with the oiriginal plan and stick to it.