Please let me cry here

LegacyUser

the guy told me last night that he was with someone else during the short period when he was with me.

he was a man that i put in my heart for a long time. one of the tiny reasons that i came here was because of him.

he was using drugs and alcohol all the time 2009. even when he was with me and other woman.

i can't make him happy. i was not even angry, as it's past. but he made me feel myself so so unattractive... why did i love this guy that can't treasure my beauty and love? why did i pick him and was that blind to love him and so confidently believe that he would love me? i was too arrogant.

he did not ever have sex with me because i am not that type of person. i did not believe there is no physical attraction between us because there was obviously is. i even appreciated his self control. but maybe it's me who was too naive, too arrogant.

i did not have sex with him maybe that's why he feels less fun, less attractive. he had sex with other women he met. he told me once when we met recently he did not fall in love with any other people and he told me last night that he fell in love in two women after me and had loads of sex but he was too intensed that he scared them away.

he said i am too intensed too that i scared him. he taught me how to play cool with guys as he learned a lesson from it himself.

basically, i don't think it's about playing cool, it's about self control. maybe i did not control myself and still blindly loved this problematic man even though i had a sense myself that something not right.

i don't think it's about playing cool. it's about love. he does not love me. as those women who don't love him.

we talked about love and lust. we chatted. i cried. i just really knew that things are impossible for us. i cried because i realised that. he is too difficult for me. i am too naive for him, although my life here is much tough, people here i met are more out of my own way, i still am too simple for me.

basically, he is incapable to love me. he is a coward to love. he does not even know much about himself.

i will find the one who love me, i hope.

why love is so complicated? lust and love, sex, emotions. i don't love this guy anymore as he is not the one i can share my life with and most importantly he doesn't want me.. but i still feel sad after the talk.

some guys approach that i am not interested in, one nearly moved me to him maybe just up for sex and he himself even doesn't know that as sex comes so early and easily nowadays in the relationship and he may confused himself the heartbeat as the sign of love and maybe it's a physical reaction of sexual excitement only.

this guy i blindly loved could never appreciate my own beauty. he self controlled himself not to have sex with me and i took that self control as 'love' and 'respect'. but indeed he does not love.

i wish i can stop thinking, just enjoy. i wish i can just enjoy the sex without the moral judgement. but sex should not be that cheap.

sorry about all this bull****.

PLEASE JUST LET ME CRY HERE.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I dont pretend to fully understand your particular situation as outlined here. But I do understand the complete head-wreck a messed up relationship can cause. It can be so destroying and you dont know whether to laugh or cry.

Many times you just want to say F**k You! If only that would bring some calm back. It doesn't always but it can help sometimes.

Crying can help, even if only for temporary relief. I had one myself today. I dont cry easily and it didn't exactly come out of nowhere but it was a long time coming. It was like floodgates opening. For me I hope it will be a tipping point and I will get some peace. That remains to be seen. Right now I feel empty. I'm going through a tough time this last few months, with no end in sight.

So OP, if your crying helped, then posting here has been some good for you.
I hope you can get through this bad time for you and move on to better times.

LegacyUser

tks.

i feel it's so hard to find as love is so complicated with the weaknesses of human beings, the confusion of lust and love and other emotions. it's too hard. it's really too hard. it's God damn hard.

FUC*!!FUC*!!FUC*!!FUC*!!