Drinking in family

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, its taking a lot out of me to talk about this, even anonymously but I really need to get this off my chest and ask for what would be the best course of action.

Basically, my parents can be really irresponsible with drink. ( especially my father ) I mean REALLY irresponsible. I hate the feeling knowing that there is going to be yet another messy situation to deal with this or that weekend. Damn, my own 21st was sabotaged over it!

This has being going on for years and it is me who has come out worst from it. I know my older brother just basically blocked it out by not being around. But as I was the shyer more inward child, I bared the brunt of it. I had no friends to escape to, not even someone to talk to.

As I have a much younger sister, I'm used as a free babysitting service while they'd go drinking, often getting in the way of things I want to do.

Another thing is that they if he wants a drink. He won't take NO for an answer. I sometimes think that when he wants a drink, No = Yes and Yes = Yes. He made me go the pub with him a few times, all of which I clearly didn't want to and kept telling me ' to lighten up. ' ' Only one ' and then going ' oh, one more of the road ' several times!

I can't say I've never confronted him over it. I have and have gotten angry to the point of getting violent over it. I don't feel to good afterwards of course but sometimes, I feel anger is seemingly the only way to get the message across, ever feel that way? ( In fact, its because of such an occurrence tonight that has made me write this post. )

Both parents is clearly in denial and then goes shifting the blame on me for their problems, damn my mother is nearly as bad and she doesn't help by going ballistic at him over this.

A few aunts and uncles know about this and how badly its effected me but for some reason, I'm rarely get to speak of it to them.

God, I sometimes feel like damaged goods. I'm behind socially, don't have any real friends so to speak of and keep on thinking envisioning a dark future where I end up as a lonely, bitter old man with nothing to be really proud of.

Have I gone to counselling? Yeah, I used college services extensively. Made me feel better. But I know it has its limits and that I am going to need full on professional help in the future.

So, boards, I am asking, what can I do? Is there anything? How should I go about looking after myself until I get away from this mad house permanently?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, i feel very much for what you're going through, as i have a very similar situation with my mother. Like you i've had to deal with this for years, the emotional impact has far reaching consequences in relation to my friends and boyfriends. I feel the reason i find it hard to talk about it, is the embarresment factor, who really wants to admit their parent is an alcoholic.

I'm not sure how good my advice is going to be but you need to get out of the house as much as possible, you say you are in college, try joining more societies etc, i know its easier said than done but this will help with making friends too. When your father asks you to the pub blatantly refuse to go and dont budge.

I have younger sibblings too and feel an almost responsibility to try and protect them from the chaos, but you have to look after yourself first before you'll be able to help them.

As for the violence and anger dont bring yourself down to their level, i know its more of a frustration factor but fighting fire with fire does not work.

I suggest going back to your councillour in college as you seem to still have issues, try discussing it with your mother as she obviously has a problem with it. And tell your older brother he has responsibility to your family aswell.

Its going to be hard your dad wont change until he wants to change. My mam is still the same but i try not let it control my life anymore.

I hope this helps in some way.
Look after yourself.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Move out, if it's an option, which it should be.

Failing that, talk to them. By not talking, in a way, you're being dishonest. But you have to choose the time well and REALLY let them know how much it bothers you. You don't really go into detail about how much or how often the drink and how they act when they do drink, so it's tricky to give advise as to what to say or how to deal with their comebacks.

Also, I'd suggest not allow yourself to be reailroaded into babysitting if it's inconvenient.

Xterminator

1st of all, as a dependant child, i dont think you can dictate your parents drinking habits.

thats not to say you cant chat about the effects it is having on you, which by the way is what i see as the main problem, and not the drinking itself. The fact is many people in this country have that attitude to drink, and expecting to change the habits of a lifetime is IMO unrealistic & it is by no means sure that it will have the same impact on either of your siblings, as it has you.

ideally if you could remove yourself from the situation, it would be best for you. if thats not possible, perhaps you can tell them you've given up the drink altogether?

Nevyn

Alanon and al teen maybe of help to you and to your younger siblings.
There are meetings all over the country of people who are effected by a family members drinking.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm

McChubbin

LWolf, I feel your pain.

Your story is similar to my own- my father was a raging alcoholic
who never knew when to quit and as a result, I've wasted many years resenting his behavior.
I understand now that he wasn't himself and whilst being an alcoholic
is in no way an excuse for untoward behavior, it can be an explaination.

What I've learned in the years spent wathing my father repeatedly fall off the wagon is that nine times out of ten, alcoholism is a selfish diease.
The sufferer rarely if ever considers the feelings of others and often doesn't realise the damage they have caused until it goes beyond repair.

You didn't state how old you are OP so I can only assume how long you've had to put up with your parent's behavior but I say to you now that this WILL come to a head.

It might be tomorrow, a week, a month or several years from now but you need understand that the alcoholic has to WANT help.
They need to hit rock bottom before they can fully understand the impact of their actions.

With my father, he had tried and failed rehab on numerous occasions and it was only when his second wife (my step-mother) threathened to leave him that he realised he needed to get his act together.

He reluctently enrolled in a 6 month treatment plan in which he was allowed no visitors, no outside contact and no chemical 'replacements'.
It was basically cold turkey in a controlled enviroment combined with intensive group and one-on-one therapy and as a result, he has been mostly sober for the better part of a decade now.

He still has to attend regular AA meetings, though and although the pain of having an alcoholic parent will never fully heal, the important thing is to understand what caused them to go down that road in the first place.

My father told me that many alcoholics don't always drink purely for pleasure-there is almost always an ulterior motive.
For many, it could be to dull the pain of money troubles, marital strife,
job stress or other day-to-day headaches that can easily get on top of someone.

Sometimes, it's to cover up a deep rooted insecurity, memories of abuse or a turbulent home life.

Did your grandparents drink? What is the relationship like between your parents and their own? Alcoholism often runs in families so it might be worth asking them if they were raised in a house were alcohol was used as a crutch to cover up the bigger picture.

My own father drank because his father drank, as did his grandfather and great-grandfather before him.
For him, it was a combination of genes and growing up in a cold, unloving and (I can only speculate here) abusive home.

Find a quiet time when your parents are stone cold sober (preferably not hungover), sit them down and calmly explain to them how much it hurts you to see them hurt themselves.

Because that's what they're doing-they are only doing themselves more harm than good.

Some of this post might not be new information to you but all I can really offer at this point is that above all else, TALK.
It's fantastic that you're speaking to a councilor-it's always good to have an unbiased neutral person to talk to when things get dicey.

The important thing is, though, don't get confrontational with your parents. It can be very testing when they're screaming in your face on a drunken tangent but in reality they are only looking for a reaction.

By being calm, assertive and cool-headed, you are the stronger one in the arguement as your opinion is not clouded by drink.

If your parents get snarky at you when you're trying to talk to them in a sober enviroment, just get up and leave the room,
No snarky asides, no "last words", absolutely no reaction-don't even shake your head.

Just let them stew. Eventually, they'll realise how they're hurting you and if you're lucky, they might actually admit to being in the wrong.

I'm just going by my own experiences here but I find if you talk to them when they're lucid and don't engage them when they're drunk, eventually you will get through to them and they'll start to wonder why you don't talk to them when they're acting in such a manner.

Then they'll think "Well, what am I doing to make my child not want to engage me in conversation?What did I do wrong?" and that will give them pause for thought.

Be careful, though. That line of thinking can often make alcoholism worse but if you persevere and keep the line of communcation open, you have a good chance at making them understand your concerns.

If all else fails and they're too far gone to see reason, then it's best to walk away from the situation.
At the end of the day, THEY are the ones with the problem and until such a time comes as to when they have the so-called "moment of clarity", all you can do is to talk things out and hope for the best.

I wish you good luck, OP. It's tough and it's nerve-wracking but you should'nt have to put up with that behavior. By all means contact Al-Anon.

It's always good to have a few friends on your side.

You have my support.

Stay strong.