There is hope, I promise

LegacyUser

I'm staying unregistered for this as my usual registered account has a lot of ties to my personal and professional life that I would rather keep separate for now.

I'm writing this because I think it's the kind of thing that I could have done with reading last year. I have recently been diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder. When I say that I have recently been diagnosed, I don't mean to imply that it has only come on recently. It's something I have struggled with, genuinely, for my whole life (even as a young child) and it has taken me until now (mid-twenties) to come to terms with it and to seek help.

I have spent my whole life largely at the mercy of my ups and downs, occasionally doing irrational and stupid things because I felt bulletproof and untouchable, occasionally being unable to physically move because I'm so far down at the bottom that I can't see a way out. This, for as long as I can remember, was my normal. It was slowly killing me. I drove away so many friends with my behaviour, my actions, and my moods. The feeling of being alone, a situation which I created myself, then just compounded the way I was feeling, and allowed me to slip deeper into depression (or be even more foolhardy when I was on an upswing).

At the start of 2009, I hit a very very dark patch. I was down for longer than I ever have been before, and to a much stronger degree than ever before. Now there were thoughts of suicide, even though I'd always rubbished the notion before. An increasing number of days were spent lying in or on my bed, alternating between lying still and barely breathing (with the weight of it all basically crushing me) or sobbing as if I'd never stop.

One particularly bad weekend saw several calls to the Samaritans, and then I decided, finally, that it was time to get some help. That Monday, I made an appointment with my GP. He had a cancellation, so luckily, saw me almost immediately. I wasted time during the appointment, and then eventually, when he asked if there was anything else, I said "I think I'm depressed". After that, it all came spilling out - the way I had been feeling and the fact that I couldn't pull myself out of it. The fact that I was growing increasingly desperate and was sometimes worried about what I might do. Making that appointment, and saying those words out loud, will remain as one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. I wasn't even sure I could do it.

Thankfully, I did, and the point of this post isn't to talk about how I'm down, but to talk about how my life has changed. My doctor started me on antidepressant treatment (later raising the dose slightly after an initial adjustment period). He referred me to a CBT program. After some long and hard thinking, I told just a few of my friends that I had finally accepted that I was having problems that I couldn't solve myself, and that I had begun treatment. Thankfully, all I received back was support and happiness.

Several months down the line, I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Although I can't be certain, I think that the way I'm feeling now is as close to normal as I have ever been in my life. The combination of drugs, therapy, and the support of my friends has helped to pull me out of the exhausting up-down cycle, and I think I've found a balance. I'm not cured, that will be longer in coming. But I am functional, and I am capable of being happy (not hyper) and neutral (not depressed). When I'm sad, I can get over it and get back to normal. When I am happy, I don't feel panicked or anxious, I just feel happy.

I wanted to write this down because taking those first steps toward getting help were really so difficult - more difficult than I can even express. But I don't regret for a moment taking them.

If you're struggling, like I was (like I may do in the future), then please consider getting some help. If you've considered taking a bottle of pills to solve your problems and end it all, consider taking one or two pills a day and being able to be happy, being able to be stable. If you're like me at all, then it probably won't be easy. But I promise, I really really promise, that it will be worth it.

Please, don't wait as long as I did to go and get help. Now, I feel like I'm being reborn, like I can finally be me again. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

I hope that this will help someone who's feeling too low to even post, or will inspire someone to go and get help to.

X

LegacyUser

Hi OP.
Thanks for writing this thread it is truly inspirational. I recently was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, it knocked me for six tbh when I found out, I was being treated for an eating disorder at the time, and it put back my recovery. I stopped going to my counselor moved back to my old behaviors and my life is/was a spiraling mess again.

I still find it quite hard to deal with the diagnosis, I always feel like the problem child, I struggle to have stability in life, never keeping a job down, just permanently being a problem.

You have given me hope so truly thank you.

Warfi

beatingIt wrote: »

I'm staying unregistered for this as my usual registered account has a lot of ties to my personal and professional life that I would rather keep separate for now.

I'm writing this because I think it's the kind of thing that I could have done with reading last year. I have recently been diagnosed with major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder. When I say that I have recently been diagnosed, I don't mean to imply that it has only come on recently. It's something I have struggled with, genuinely, for my whole life (even as a young child) and it has taken me until now (mid-twenties) to come to terms with it and to seek help.

I have spent my whole life largely at the mercy of my ups and downs, occasionally doing irrational and stupid things because I felt bulletproof and untouchable, occasionally being unable to physically move because I'm so far down at the bottom that I can't see a way out. This, for as long as I can remember, was my normal. It was slowly killing me. I drove away so many friends with my behaviour, my actions, and my moods. The feeling of being alone, a situation which I created myself, then just compounded the way I was feeling, and allowed me to slip deeper into depression (or be even more foolhardy when I was on an upswing).

At the start of 2009, I hit a very very dark patch. I was down for longer than I ever have been before, and to a much stronger degree than ever before. Now there were thoughts of suicide, even though I'd always rubbished the notion before. An increasing number of days were spent lying in or on my bed, alternating between lying still and barely breathing (with the weight of it all basically crushing me) or sobbing as if I'd never stop.

One particularly bad weekend saw several calls to the Samaritans, and then I decided, finally, that it was time to get some help. That Monday, I made an appointment with my GP. He had a cancellation, so luckily, saw me almost immediately. I wasted time during the appointment, and then eventually, when he asked if there was anything else, I said "I think I'm depressed". After that, it all came spilling out - the way I had been feeling and the fact that I couldn't pull myself out of it. The fact that I was growing increasingly desperate and was sometimes worried about what I might do. Making that appointment, and saying those words out loud, will remain as one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. I wasn't even sure I could do it.

Thankfully, I did, and the point of this post isn't to talk about how I'm down, but to talk about how my life has changed. My doctor started me on antidepressant treatment (later raising the dose slightly after an initial adjustment period). He referred me to a CBT program. After some long and hard thinking, I told just a few of my friends that I had finally accepted that I was having problems that I couldn't solve myself, and that I had begun treatment. Thankfully, all I received back was support and happiness.

Several months down the line, I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Although I can't be certain, I think that the way I'm feeling now is as close to normal as I have ever been in my life. The combination of drugs, therapy, and the support of my friends has helped to pull me out of the exhausting up-down cycle, and I think I've found a balance. I'm not cured, that will be longer in coming. But I am functional, and I am capable of being happy (not hyper) and neutral (not depressed). When I'm sad, I can get over it and get back to normal. When I am happy, I don't feel panicked or anxious, I just feel happy.

I wanted to write this down because taking those first steps toward getting help were really so difficult - more difficult than I can even express. But I don't regret for a moment taking them.

If you're struggling, like I was (like I may do in the future), then please consider getting some help. If you've considered taking a bottle of pills to solve your problems and end it all, consider taking one or two pills a day and being able to be happy, being able to be stable. If you're like me at all, then it probably won't be easy. But I promise, I really really promise, that it will be worth it.

Please, don't wait as long as I did to go and get help. Now, I feel like I'm being reborn, like I can finally be me again. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

I hope that this will help someone who's feeling too low to even post, or will inspire someone to go and get help to.

X

It takes courage to change your life around.....good for you!
Great post, here's wishing you all the best for 2010

LegacyUser

Thanks for posting that OP.

I'm not going to say I'm in the same boat (despite my username ), however I too feel that I may be suffering from some sort of depression. I notice myself getting very down at times, mostly about my non-existent love life and how I look. I have no confidence and no self esteem and sometimes I just get fed up with it all. I'll be honest and say I have considered suicide and even spent a few mins wondering how I'd go about it. However I know I wouldn't go through with it, but I think the fact that I'm even thinking about it, is a bad sign.

I've noticed I've become a bit of a recluse and I'm going out less than I have been. I think I've been out socialising about 10 times all year. I don't know if this is a problem or that I'm just stuck in a rut or a habit or something.

Anyway I took the plunge and I've booked an appointment with my GP for next Thursday (Christmas eve). Hopefully he can tell me one way or the other if I'm suffering from depression. I know my aunt suffers from it quite badly so I guess there's a bit of a family history from that viewpoint.

Hope your recovering continues. I'll post here next Thursday after going to the doctor.

LegacyUser

thanks so much for this post, it made me cry out loud, but in a good way. you see i made an appointment with my GP a few weeks ago and just had my first meeting with a psychiatrist on Thursday.

i too, have been in this unhealthy cycle of up and down for most of my life. i first had a depressive episode when i was about 14 but my parents never did anything. i struggled through life generally making a mess of it due to my inability to cope at times when i was either ''up'' or ''down''. i did get help before, about 7 years ago and through CBT (i don't like the medication) had about 5 good years. but the last 2 have been a living hell. like you said, hours and hours in bed, hours and hours crying and weeping. the crying got so bad i stopped going out. even to the shop! i'd go to the 24hour shop on the other side of town just so no one would see me and my red eyes. (mad i know).

but i do feel hope, i do feel like taking that initial very difficult of asking for help and not being ashamed that i needed help ''again'' is already having a positive effect on my mood.

thanks for sharing, OP.

LegacyUser

OP here again, just to reply.

@Warfi, thank you for the good wishes. I hope that things continue to progress for me in 2010, and that I can keep progressing whether times are good or bad.

@unregistered, I'm so glad that my post helped to make you feel better. I hope that you can get back on the road to recovery, and find stability in your life.

@sameboat?, I'm so glad that you've made the decision to talk to someone about how you've been feeling. Just be honest with your doctor, and see how it goes from there. Tell him/her what you've written here, and hopefully s/he can set you right.

@thanksOP, thanks. I'm glad that you've gathered up the courage to start over, and you're right - needing some help, regardless of whether it's the first time, or whether it's "again", is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't rule out medication totally - if you can tolerate the side effects, it may help to get you to a place where therapy can be effective. Going on meds isn't a life sentence, it can just help to get your head above water, which will allow you (with therapy or other work) to get yourself the rest of the way out.

LegacyUser

Female, 28. I suffered with depression for over 2 years. I slowly came out of that by myself, although I'm not 100% better. It also made me realise that I have other deeper issues that have been affecting my life since I was a child. I went to my GP a few weeks back, and asked to see a therapist. Telling the GP was hard enough, I cried. I started seeing the counsellor last Tuesday. I was crapping it, and thought I'd spend the entire session crying. It went well. I cried a bit, but all in all it went well. It was easier than I thought; I think this was because I was well and truly at the point where I knew there was only one route to take, and I took it. I have to get it all out there to find a way of working through it. I want to get more out life. I'm feeling more positive now, and want these sessions to help me. With some luck they will. To be honest I'm kinda excited that things are (hopefully) on the up for me.

Good luck to you all! Take care.

LegacyUser

Its always good to hear about another persons experience of living with depression.
I have been struggling for many years now with this depression, going through bouts of been happy to bad depression, its really starting to take its toll on my strength.

My story is here:
http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055766759.
I find that when i did admit to wanting help through professionals and friends, I was faced with rejection and long waiting lists to be seen. Which has made me feel more lost in this struggle.

OP its great that you found support through your friends and through the relevant professionals. I wish you the very best.

Wurly

What an absolutely fabulous post. Thank you so much for sharing. And i'm delighted for you that you're back on track.;)

Stu77

Fantastic post OP. I think the stigma attached to having depression is certainly diminishing with each passing year and people in general are very sympathetic and understanding. Depression is so common nowadays that almost everyone will suffer a depressive episode in their lives and often, many people will go for years not even realising that they are depressed even though they know they are not functioning properly.

I too suffered a severe depressive episode in my early 20's along with chronic anxiety symptoms brought on by a couple of years of drug abuse and unresolved issues from my teenage years and with the right help i too got back on my feet but i am always checking myself in terms of doing the right things, i.e plenty of exercise, good diet and the smaller things such as buying nice clothes every so often and taking time out to relax and de-stress.

Also, going to a psychologist or psychotherapist and discussing issues that might be the cause of depressive/anxiety symptoms with a stranger would frighten the life out of some people it can be very helpful and take some of the weight of your shoulders. It worked for me but what has kept me together longterm has been down to me understanding myself better and looking after myself.

Billiejo

Not for everyone BUT this is my story, short & sweet.

From age 14 I suffered terribly to age 32 which included years of antidepressive treatments and therapy.......when (without too much ado) I had to have surgery and was prescribed HRT.....for ever and ever....!!!

Probably from about some months later when I was living an 'even balanced and quality life' which I'd never experienced before, I realised that my hormonal system had been out of sync all along.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

I can tell you honestly that I was truly terrified the first time I went to see a therapist. I was so anxious and nervous that I couldn't stop fidgeting. It was another hard call to make and hard appointment to keep.

But again, I don't regret going, as it (along with everything else) has helped to put me on this road to recovery. It's tough to overcome the fear, but I couldn't keep on going the way that I was.

Peggypeg

Hey,

I just wanted to say WELL DONE to all the people who've tackled this problem, it's one of the worst problems you can have. You should all be very very proud of yourselves.

Merry Christmas and a really Happy and Healthy New Year to you all.

Hugs.

RossFixxxed

Similar myself mate, fair play Glad to hear it is working and the lesson really is get out there and get help!

LegacyUser

Hi OP and everyone else who told their stories/replied.

WELL DONE to all of you. II'm 28, female, had depression for years, didn't realise at the time that that was what was up. I did a bout of anti-depressants and started seeing a psychotherapist. Well I have come on so much!!!! Thanks to the therapy. It's just a release and I look forward to going. I was petrified at first but its like a weight being lifted off my shoulders from the first meeting. That someone understands and sees where you are coming from, from outside the box. I think therapy is just brilliant and I think if you are feeling down/depressed it's a good way to help deal with things. Get yourself to a doctor or get in contact with a professional counsellors. If I hadn't started therapy when I did, i would still be stuck in the same low place that I was and still have the same issues I had then, they are still there but I am now dealing with them and I am moving forward.

All the best to everyone in 2010 x

LegacyUser

I dunno, I dont think there is hope, not for me anyway.
The fact that I need help when others are able to live happy normal lives without any is enough to tilt me over the edge.
Right now it takes all my strenght not to go and end it all.
I look at myself and I see nothing but a waste of genetic material.
Not intelligent, not strong, not fit, not good looking Im worthless and it seems any attempt at carrying on is just pointless.
I cant stand other people either, I cant stand how I have to see all their issues and they way they expect you to somehow ignore theres. I see there real meaning behind everything they say or do and I really cant stand them

LegacyUser

OP - 26yr old male here. I just stumbled accross your post and wanted to say thanks for putting it up. It is really inspiring for people like me who deep down know they have a problem but just cannot step forward and make an appointment with a GP, confide in family, confide in friends etc. I have been saying to myself for the past 11/12 months that "tomorrow is the day I will begin to sort everything out by having a conversation with my mum and then booking an apt with the GP". 11/12 months on and tonight I am here searching Personal Issues (for the umpteenth time) looking for people in a similar position and once again saying, "tomorrow I will sort it all out...."

Your post definitely helps so really, thank you and best of luck for 2010.

To Pointless - When you say you "don't think there is hope, not for me anyway", I would say that there could well be people with a lot less serious problems than you but there could also be people with a lot worse ones that have sought help and recovered a sense of happiness. Don't give up and try and reach out to someone.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say that your post will inspire many people to make the first step and seek help. To know that there is light at the end of the tunnel means a lot.

I actually cried when I read your post, I have suffered from depression for years but am now happier than I have been for quite some time. My personal life was I believe the cause for so much of my unhappiness and I knew at the time that when I finally admitted to my partner that I was suffering it would be the end of us. (he would have been very intolerant and believed wrongly that you were lesser of a person if you suffered from depression) Anyway I am now out of that situation and have never looked back.

Anyway thank you for taking the time to put your story out there, it will help so many people seek the help they need.