Keeping too many Secrets from OH

LegacyUser

Hi I am with my OH for 9 years. We get along great but I've found that certain fantasies and desires are causing me issue. Some of them are 'normal' blokey ones 3some I 'dLOVE one with another girl and her. Some are less normal. One is just plain WRONG. I can't even type it here as its in my IP like, THAT bad. The weight of them is pulling me down. I believe in sharing but I guess it's best to keep these in my head? She is a little uptight sexually especially when it comes to other women/girls.

I dunno, how do other people deal with this sort of thing?

Thanks!

ash23

It's hard to know without knowing the actual severity of the fantasies.

If they aren't anything illegal then I'd start with a softly softly approach. Maybe watchin porn with said fantasy in it and see her reaction. If it's not too bad then maybe say "I'd love to try that".
If she's totally repulsed I'd keep it quiet and just stick with the fantasy in my head.

If its anything illegal like children or animals I'd get some professional help.Thats not a dig, it's a serious suggestion.

LegacyUser

EEk no nothing THAT bad now. Thankfully. Nothing Illegal, everything consensual between adults like. But kinky, pervy and a bit odd some of it, but everyone has their kinks I guess.

As I say she's conservative and I've unfortunately kinda played along, when I'm really a bit of hound! Want a 3/4/5 some for starters like! Role Play, costumes, adult movies, peeing on her, etc etc big fantasies.

shellyboo

if she's conservative and you know that, it would be unfair of you to ask her for things you know she's not into. Likewise, you can't expect her to be ok with it all since you've kept it from her for 9 years.

She *might* be willing to indulge some of your kinks - role play, costumes and porn really aren't that extreme - but you'll have to talk to her to find out.

Kimia

SecretKeeper wrote: »

She is a little uptight sexually especially when it comes to other women/girls.

God this annoys me. Why is she uptight just because she doesn't want to indulge YOUR fantasy about her having sex with other girls?

Talk to her about it and if it's an absolute no there's nothign really you can do. Maybe find another girlfriend who's into 3somes? It's really up to you - you know what she likes, can you live with it?

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

God this annoys me. Why is she uptight just because she doesn't want to indulge YOUR fantasy about her having sex with other girls?

Talk to her about it and if it's an absolute no there's nothign really you can do. Maybe find another girlfriend who's into 3somes? It's really up to you - you know what she likes, can you live with it?

Sorry that's not clear on my part. She is in general uptight about sex. Not to even mention fantasies. THAT'S the issue. There is NO obligation on her part to pander to my own little kinks etc... If that helps. She is a bit paranoid even if a woman is nude on telly.... Doesn't help.

Kimia

Oh right ok then. Well you don't sound very compatible and I can see why you'd be frustrated secretly - it must be awful to hide your 'kinks' (for want of a better word) so that you don't 'startle the horse' if you know what i mean.

Introduce stuff to her sloooowly. See how it goes. If it doesn't work, you really need to decide whether you want to be with her enough to sacrifice your own sexual preferences.

ash23

SecretKeeper wrote: »

EEk no nothing THAT bad now. Thankfully. Nothing Illegal, everything consensual between adults like. But kinky, pervy and a bit odd some of it, but everyone has their kinks I guess.

As I say she's conservative and I've unfortunately kinda played along, when I'm really a bit of hound! Want a 3/4/5 some for starters like! Role Play, costumes, adult movies, peeing on her, etc etc big fantasies.

Phew. Glad to hear it. I always assume the worst. To be fair, what you are suggesting isn't THAT over the top. However, it doesn't sound like it's the type of thing your OH will stretch to.

Again, I'd start with some of the more mild mannered things. She may be more relaxed and less inhibited with a few drinks in her so maybe cook dinner, crack open a bottle of wine and tell her that you are feeling that things have gotten a bit stale in the bedroom department. Be kind, don't make it out to be her fault but don't apologise for who you are either.
Baby steps. Ask her if she would consider dressing up, looking at some sex toys, maybe watching some porn or doing some role play.

You'd never know, you might awaken a side of her neither of you knew existed.
However if she is totally against the idea then you need to decide if it's a relationship you want to be in.

clartharlear

shellyboo wrote: »

if she's conservative and you know that, it would be unfair of you to ask her for things you know she's not into.

No, it would be unfair at all. "being not into" doesn't necessarily mean "violently disliking". If you can't compromise on things that you don't particularly like, (if you don't particularly hate them) then it's no sort of a relationship. It's like a far more important version of going to see what the OH wants to see in the cinema.

A possibly relevant example - I don't like spanking, and I would never let someone spank me. But if I loved someone who loved being spanked, what harm would it do me to warm up the oul paddle while getting to make my lover happy?

OP, talk to your wife.

Liam Byrne

SecretKeeper wrote: »

She is a little uptight sexually especially when it comes to other women/girls.
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As I say she's conservative and I've unfortunately kinda played along, when I'm really a bit of hound! Want a 3/4/5 some for starters like!

Considering the way you phrased the first question (specifically mentioning women/girls), would that 3, 4 or 5-some include one or more other guys ?

Because if you wouldn't indulge that fantasy for her, then you've no right to expect her to indulge yours.

SecretKeeper wrote: »

Role Play, costumes, adult movies, peeing on her, etc etc big fantasies.

Whatever about the others, that one is downright sick!

Kimia

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Considering the way you phrased the first question (specifically mentioning women/girls), would that 3, 4 or 5-some include one or more other guys ?

Because if you wouldn't indulge that fantasy for her, then you've no right to expect her to indulge yours.



Whatever about the others, that one is downright sick!

Come on Liam don't be so judgemental. If that's what floats his boat that's his business and just because you're not into it doesn't mean it's sick. :mad:

pwd

Other people tell prospective partners what they like so they can see if they're compatible. Nine years of pretending undermines your whole relationship and is not very different from a gay man using a girl as a beard. It's a sham.

Taltos

Sometimes when you play these things out you soon find the reality is not quite what you expected - ie having to deal with the reality of seeing another bloke f*** your OH and her enjoying it.

However - maybe just let her know that you want to chat about some fantasies you have been having. Start small and see how she responds. The act of sharing alone will either bring you closer together or confirm that you are just too different.

But - holding this in is not healthy.

btw - don't mind some of the comments above - provided what you are looking for is not illegal and is carried out between consenting adults then fair play.

clartharlear

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Because if you wouldn't indulge that fantasy for her, then you've no right to expect her to indulge yours.

Human relationships aren't such straight-forward games of tit for tat.
Like, it's not such a big deal for a woman to kiss another woman as it is for a man to kiss another man. It's not a fair comparison when you're considering what one half would do for the other half.

Liam Byrne

clartharlear wrote: »

Like, it's not such a big deal for a woman to kiss another woman as it is for a man to kiss another man.

According to whom ?

Kimia wrote: »

Come on Liam don't be so judgemental. If that's what floats his boat that's his business and just because you're not into it doesn't mean it's sick

Pissing on someone is sick, and has nothing to do with sex. What next, rubbing their face in your **** ?

Anyways, I've said my piece; I'd consider myself fairly open-minded, but obviously there are things being discussed in this thread that I'll never accept or understand, so I'll quit now.....I might head off and spit a booger at someone that I love, or something else involving covering them in my waste by-products.

pwd

Liam Byrne wrote: »

According to whom ?



Pissing on someone is sick, and has nothing to do with sex. What next, rubbing their face in your **** ?

Anyways, I've said my piece; I'd consider myself fairly open-minded, but obviously there are things being discussed in this thread that I'll never accept or understand, so I'll quit now.....I might head off and spit a booger at someone that I love, or something else involving covering them in my waste by-products.

some people like to do that too I believe X|

kjl

pwd wrote: »

some people like to do that too I believe X|

I like a little watersport play, its only a bit of fun.

As for the rest, get real, a threesome is one thing, but group sex is just way out there. You need to consider the fact that these are fantasies. Sure tell her about them, but only use it to spice up dirty talk and you will be fine.

pwd

i interpret the stars differently to you

Stella777

about the threesomes, or moresomes:
People I know who have done these with a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife have had problems afterwards.

It's one thing if 3 single people get together casually for a threesome, but when you've got a committed couple who brings in a third party there are so many issues that come up. I've never done a threesome, FWIW. However, every friend I know who did them with a BF/GF/OH either ending breaking up afterwards or at least having serious fights.

That said, there's nothing wrong with fantasizing about that. There are plenty of things people fantasize about that they wouldn't actually do in real life. It's healthy, I think.

As for the other fantasies, maybe you could start small, like with the costumes and role-play. Based on what you've said about your OH, I think the pee fantasy would not be her thing. (I'll be honest, would be too OTT for me as well.) But again, that doesn't mean it's wrong for you, personally, to fantasize about it. Everyone is entitled to their own private thoughts. Not everything that goes on in your brain has to be shared with the OH.

LegacyUser

pwd wrote: »

some people like to do that too I believe X|

I had to laugh at that, thanks! Thanks everyone who posted, I appreciate your advice. I think some posters were a little shocked and a little harsh, but if she was to be violently against something like that then it's fine. I've come to realize 2 things
1) I love her to bits and this would NOT break us up, we're way too great together for that
2) talking about it would be most of the battle tbh. She has said no to stuff in the past and its cool with me, once I know then I can carry on. It doesn't hold THAT much weight in the scheme of things.

And can I reiterate: everything i'm thinking involves consenting adults. And nothing else. I'm a bit of a pervert perhaps but I am not a sicko, or some kind of sex offender!

To be fair as well: if everyone involved is willing to give it a try then surely it's not bad? I've heard of kinks that have made me feel queasy, but F-it why not if people are ok with it?

Thanks again, I'm a regular poster and I appreciate the posts!


... now where did I leave the Lebanese transsexual midgets...

Taltos

OP here wrote: »

... now where did I leave the Lebanese transsexual midgets...

Sorry Op - they were around mine with Zoolander.
So - did you have a chat to her and sort all this out?
Remember it is the stuff you hold in that eats away at you - not the midgets - unless they're really hamsters and haven't eaten in a while and you happen to be that actor fella that went out with the prossie *movie ref"...