What would you call this?

Cant sleep

Ok my parents are away for the night and there two very close friends are staying over. Im 20 years old and they are late 30’s early 40’s. Ever since I remember the guy lets call him John has always been very I don’t know “protective” over me and always tried to “look after me”. To me I know that he has always been a bit of a creep lets say around me. Like when we are alone he would hug/hold/try kiss me/make suggest comments/sometimes hurt me when tryin to kiss me ect. But then when anyone around he is just completely normal. So this morning at 8 o’clock he comes into my room while I was asleep and talks to me, I don’t really remember what he said as I was half asleep, the next thing I know he is lying behind me hugging me. I was aware at this stage, few minutes past and he was under the covers, I told him to get out not aggressively or anything which maybe I should have but he kept saying he “cant help it” he then had his arms around my waist, fingers in my hair, kissing my neck, touching my breasts and breathing heavily (I know he wasn’t touching himself) this went on for maybe 10-15 minutes. I was just frozen in shock, I did say again to leave me, he didn’t. He tried to kiss me but I refused. He then left, I got up and got dressed as I didn’t want him coming back to bed. He’s back now and will be for the night/day. He said nothing about it. What the fu%k this isn’t normal. I don’t think he will try anything later as his wife will be here. But this is wrong right? Like im completely freaked here, the parents are at a funeral so I cant tell them, and also I don’t think I can tell them they have known these people all their lives. They are like family. Im so confused.

Draupnir

Call the POLICE. I assume you are a girl, but realistically, from what you have said this is only going to end badly for you if you don't call the police immediately. What you have described is a sexual assault.

SueWho

Why are they staying in your house? Can you stay somewhere else until they are gone?

They may be like family in terms of how long your parents have been friends with them but what he is doing is wrong- you must tell your parents. You can't be expected to deal with his advances and problems on your own- this will continue unless you speak up. I hope you find the courage to tell someone- do you have siblings you could share this with first and maybe they could be there with you when you tell your parents?

dublingal80

+1 to the above
What he did to you wasnt right, what so ever. Call the police, tell your parents and even if that mans wife is there, dont stay over. Stay at a friends tonight.

LegacyUser

Firstly I would call your local garda station and explain what happened. Explain that your on your own and the man who sexually assaulted you is still in your house. I would then call your parents and explain what just happened. Do you honestly think they would still consider this man like family if they knew that he sexually assaulted their daughter?


Do not sit there doing nothing. Call the Gardai now or things could get worse. I know its hard right now but sitting there and doing nothing will not help. Pick up the phone.

Cant sleep

OP here, they are staying here to mind my younger siblings, I told my best friend about this a hour ago and she doesn’t seem very concerned which makes me think. I know what happened wasn’t right, but if I call the police, upset the family, ruin friendships and lives over this I don’t think it would be worth it. At the end of the day its his word against mine, I don’t think the police would be able to do much about it. Also we have loads of friends who adore this man, think he can do no wrong. So if I go accusing him of this I think only I will suffer from it. Telling my parents isn’t an option at the moment as they are upset and at a funeral. A friend of mine (the girl I told) is staying in mine tonight.

Ickle Magoo

How do you know he isn't doing anything to your younger siblings? I'm a parent & funeral or no I would want to know IMMEDIATELY if someone I had entrusted to care for my children was climbing into bed with them. So what if it is your word against his, you know who is telling the truth.

Call them & tell them now. What if he comes into your room or your siblings and tries to do more than kiss or hug?

doctor_gonzo

Cant sleep wrote: »

OP here, they are staying here to mind my younger siblings, I told my best friend about this a hour ago and she doesn’t seem very concerned which makes me think. I know what happened wasn’t right, but if I call the police, upset the family, ruin friendships and lives over this I don’t think it would be worth it. At the end of the day its his word against mine, I don’t think the police would be able to do much about it. Also we have loads of friends who adore this man, think he can do no wrong. So if I go accusing him of this I think only I will suffer from it. Telling my parents isn’t an option at the moment as they are upset and at a funeral. A friend of mine (the girl I told) is staying in mine tonight.

Op you simply must say something about this. He has taken gross advantage of you and is clearly a dangerous person, not only to you but possibly to other women. He could have been testing the waters with you, I would be very seriously concerned about your safety with this man. Please please don't worry about the consequences and just call the Gardai or a relative you trust and tell them about this immediately. Your best friend should be very very concerned, I can't understand her reaction. This is a sexual assault, a serious sexual assault. Please act now and report this man.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I hope you are ok. What he did to you is wrong, very wrong. He is abusing his position of trust, and your parents have him there to protect you and your siblings.

I understand why you dont want to go to the police and cause a situation for everyone, even though it is probably what you should do. But since you are 20 (I mean old enough for you to have a serious one to one conversation with him whereby he will take you seriously) do you think that you would be able to go to him and say that what he did was wrong and that if anything like it ever happens again you will go directly to the police and report it. Tell him you are also going to tell your parents and his wife that he is a pervert. That should be enough of a threat to make him realise he is way overstepping the mark.

Also, and I don't want to be an alarmist here, but if you have younger siblings maybe you can keep a check on him to make sure that he isn't doing the same to any of them. This guy sounds like he has big issues and really should not be in the positin of taking care of you and your siblings.

It is a good idea to have the friend stay - fair play to you. Can you lock your bedroom door just in case?

I really hope you will be ok.

lilirish

What this man has done to you is 100% wrong.

You mentioned you have siblings, sisters or brothers? What age are they?

Tell your parents before this goes any further. You are their child, they will want to protect you 100% and this is wrong. No parent would give a toss about friendship if this whats happening.

Please tell them. This man is a creep.

Taltos

As per the rest call them now.

If not then this is what is going to happen
> he will think he got away with it
> in his twisted world you like him
> he will convince himself that you want more

Seriously - stop this now before worse happens. At a min he needs help - get him that help now before you are the one needing it...

In no world is there anyway what he did was right...
The longer you leave this the worse it will be.

Dord

Ring the Gardai, or maybe even go to a Garda station if you don't want to speak about this on the phone. But you shouldn't do nothing about it for fear of upsetting others. It's sexual assualt... simple.

Cuddlesworth

Told to leave once, then let fumble around for fifteen minutes without a word and its sexual assault?

ManOfMystery

As above, this is sexual assault - you really need to let the police know.

I'm not trying to scare you here, but when a man gets into your bed and sexually assaults you like that, it wouldn't take much for it to progress to rape. If it's not you, it would be someone else.

I know it's scary talking to the police about it, and you have a multitude of reasons going through your head (he's a family friend, etc) - but he has done something very wrong and will likely do it again. He needs to be stopped now.

The police will look after you and will ensure this is dealt with.

ManOfMystery

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Told to leave once, then let fumble around for fifteen minutes without a word and its sexual assault?

When a man invites himself into a female's room, gets into bed beside her, doesn't leave when asked to (asked twice by the way, not once) and then gropes/feels her for 15 mins - YES, it's very much sexual assault. What would you call it???

LegacyUser

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

Told to leave once, then let fumble around for fifteen minutes without a word and its sexual assault?

sometimes hurt me when tryin to kiss me ect.

I told him to get out not aggressively or anything which maybe I should have but he kept saying he “cant help it”

I did say again to leave me, he didn’t.

He tried to kiss me but I refused.

Yeah mate thats sexual assault..

Cant sleep

My brothers are 15 and 16 and as big as this guy so that doesnt worry me. I just told a friend who doesnt like this guy AT ALL (because i think he might have tryed to be with her or something, she said once "he wants to have sex with me" and baisically her relationship with this man and his wife is destroyed over her bitter dislike for him for a unclear reason) i told her what happened and again no worried responce. She is the only person that i would expect a worried/ lets go to the police response from and nothing. This guy is in the next room and is chatting to me? Surely this cant be normal.

ManOfMystery

It's not normal. But don't base your decision on whether your friend says this or says that - sometimes friends simply don't know how to deal with things.

6 people in this thread so far have advised you to call the police, we're all looking at this objectively and can easily see what's right/wrong without being prejudiced by the fact that he's a 'family friend', etc. He's wrong, full stop. I'm sure there'll be a lot more replies telling you the same thing before the end of the day.

dublingal80

ITS NOT NORMAL!!!!

just because your friend is acting the way she is, doesnt mean that what he did is right
Would you think it was right if you had a little sister and he was doing that to her too? You have to tell your parents. You have no reason to lie to your parents or make up this story.

Call them now and tell them. Then they can go to the police with you. You dont know if he has done this to other girls or younger girls or if he would in the future.

Taltos

This is not normal in the slightest.

Call your folks / gardai whatever - but you are seriously at risk there.
Your friends response - well who knows - maybe not equipped to deal with this or something else - but do what you know is right and stop this now.

Cant sleep

I think its like a power buzz with him, when hes drinking i would be wary of him. Once he followed me into the kitchen and somehow managed to get me on the floor and tried to kiss me my arms were so sore from him holding me. Another thing is that when i was maybe 13/14 maybe younger i remember staying in his house and us going for a walk, during the walk we were in a football feild in the dark and someone was in the changingroom containers and it scarred me, he made me sit on his lap to clam me down, and kiss him on the lips. Then i think during the same stay in his house he woke me during the night to watch his cat playing i was lying on the couch with him and he was rubbing my stomach. I know i should tell the guards but i know he will just deny it and turn my world upside down

Volvagia

I really sorry to hear about this OP. I know its difficult but you have to tell someone, either your parents or the Guards if not both. What you've described is assault and should not be tolerated.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope that something like that never happens again.

Taltos

There are always reasons not to tell

.. what if they don't believe me
.. what if they call me a liar

BUT
you only need ONE reason to tell.
Just walk out right now - call to the cop shop and ask for help.
If you are nervous when you go in just ask to see a female officer.

Peggypeg

So he's been touching you inappropriately since you were 13/14? Sweetie, that man is a peodophile and dangerous. You really really really need to go to the Gaurds NOW.

LeixlipRed

Just think of the girls this man probably has abused over the years. The one's who never spoke out. Do it for them.

lilirish

This man has taken advantage of you as a young girl and now as a woman.

He may have done these things to other girls aswell. Regardless of wether or not people belive you - YOU know you are telling truth. By taking action now you will stop this man from hurting you and other women. Also, if he has done this to others you may give them the courage to speak out

Be brave, you can do this.

Cant sleep

Im pretty sure im the only kid he has done this to as he doesnt have any kids of his own and out of him and his wife my parents are the only people he knows who have kids.

I do want to tell the gaurds but would what i tell them be enough for them to do anything at all. I mean really he has never done anything worth saying jesus he deserves to be in prison. Like what could they do? would i have to pay for layers, go to court, see him walk free, would it be worth it?

Also this guy has known me all my life, im 20 i wouldnt be able to acuse him of this without him trying to contact me to talk about it.

lilirish

Do you want this to stop now or do you want to wait untill hes raped you? Can you live with him doing things like this to you for the foreseeable future? What about your friend? You said that you had suspicions this may have happened to her.

Moomoo1

Cant sleep wrote: »

Im pretty sure im the only kid he has done this to as he doesnt have any kids of his own and out of him and his wife my parents are the only people he knows who have kids.

I do want to tell the gaurds but would what i tell them be enough for them to do anything at all. I mean really he has never done anything worth saying jesus he deserves to be in prison. Like what could they do? would i have to pay for layers, go to court, see him walk free, would it be worth it?

Also this guy has known me all my life, im 20 i wouldnt be able to acuse him of this without him trying to contact me to talk about it.

I'd tell your parents first and foremost.

ManOfMystery

And don't forget, this guy may have been a family 'friend' for years (some friend!) ....... but you're their daughter, their flesh and blood. If I was in their shoes you would have my total support. So don't be worried about telling your parents, if they're annoyed about this it will be because of what he's done - not anything you've done.

Cant sleep

Luucylu wrote: »

Hi there,

I hope you are ok. What he did to you is wrong, very wrong. He is abusing his position of trust, and your parents have him there to protect you and your siblings.

I understand why you dont want to go to the police and cause a situation for everyone, even though it is probably what you should do. But since you are 20 (I mean old enough for you to have a serious one to one conversation with him whereby he will take you seriously) do you think that you would be able to go to him and say that what he did was wrong and that if anything like it ever happens again you will go directly to the police and report it. Tell him you are also going to tell your parents and his wife that he is a pervert. That should be enough of a threat to make him realise he is way overstepping the mark.

Also, and I don't want to be an alarmist here, but if you have younger siblings maybe you can keep a check on him to make sure that he isn't doing the same to any of them. This guy sounds like he has big issues and really should not be in the positin of taking care of you and your siblings.

It is a good idea to have the friend stay - fair play to you. Can you lock your bedroom door just in case?

I really hope you will be ok.

Thanks for your post i think i missed it when reading back. Yes my door will absolutly be locked tonight.

I think i am going to tell my parents when they get back. But i dont know how my dad will react. Like i know he will go crazy and someone will get serioulsy hurt.

I know i should be able to talk to the guy about it, but he is chatting away to me as i type this as if nothing has happened. Confussed.com right now.

dublingal80

i wouldnt have any more contact with his guy. I wouldnt be in the same room as him and I wouldnt be worrying about whether or not you should be able to talk to him about this. He has been doing this to you since you were 13!! thats seven years!!!!! You honestly dont know if he is doing it to any other kids or if he has done worse.

Stay away from him. dont talk to him, just stay clear. When are you parents back? If its not before tomorrow morning I would call them now and ask him to get home asap.

Seven years OP! It has to stop now!

Cant sleep

sunflower27 wrote: »

Stop trying to rationalise the situation. he is acting like nothing happened so that you dismiss it.

Never thought of that, thats true.

My parents left this morning, will be at a funneral all day so i just cant call them, and will be back tomorrow night.

LegacyUser

OP perhaps tell your mother and ask her to break it to your dad?

I would go to the nearest police station now, ask for a female gaurd and tell her what happened. I had a relative who had a sexual assualt and she said the guards were wonderful to her when she came into them. Please act now.

LeixlipRed

Yes you can jsut call them. Would you rather you interrupted them at a funeral or you were seriously harmed by this chap?

LegacyUser

Cant sleep wrote: »

Never thought of that, thats true.

My parents left this morning, will be at a funneral all day so i just cant call them, and will be back tomorrow night.

If I was your father I would want to know right away. Can you imagine how they would feel if you told them you were sexually assaulted and stayed with the perpatraitor for a further day and a half out of fear of not wanting to bother them????


Listen to me very carefully, it's difficult I know but you simply have to stop making excuses and ring your parents. Right now. Situations like this will escalate.

Cant sleep

LeixlipRed wrote: »

Yes you can jsut call them. Would you rather you interrupted them at a funeral or you were seriously harmed by this chap?

I know what your saying but realistically can you image the hurt/anger they would feel knowing this information while they are away. Also the airport has closed where they are, there wont be any flights out today. If i told all i would have is more stress as the guy and his wife would go crazy about the acusation i made, and i would have to stay in the house by myself with the parents away. My friend is coming over tonight to stay and his wife will be home in a few hours, at the moment im in no immediate danger, so im going to tell tomorrow.

Cant sleep

sunflower27 wrote: »

CAn you get out of the house until your friend arrives?

This guy is sick. Just because you dont feel in danger now doesnt mean he won't try it on again before his wife gets back - one final chance.

I dont mean to scare you, I just want to make you aware.

No im working, i cant get out of the house. I am very aware... he's acting as if nothing happened.

LeixlipRed

Of course you can leave the hourse. OP, why are you making excuses??

PopUp

OP, how old are your younger siblings? Are they boys or girls?

If you have a little sister do not leave without her.

Siogfinsceal

Okay I am a little confused here OP. Are your brothers there with you or are they somewhere else?
Firstly what this man has done is sexual assault and if ist been going on since you were 13 or 14 then its far more serious than just that.

You are 20 years of age so why do you need these people over to 'mind' you while your parents are away? You said if this man is made leave you will be left in the house with the parents away but at 20 years of age is there a reason you are not okay with that? I am not havign a go at you just confused why a twenty year old would be unable to spend the night at home alone?

if your friends coming over instead why not suggest that you stay at hers instead and that way you are out of the house?
do you have a car? can you drive and stay somewhere else for the night?

as for ringing your parents for gods sakes ring this is 2009 you cant be saying your parents have no mobile phone? yes ther are at a funeral but hardly going on all day?

opinion guy

OP this guy sounds like a right piece of work. If you have suspicions he tried something on your friend then chances are there are others. Also if something did happen with you friend she may be in denial about it and that might be why her reaction was muted. You said that him and his wife are there to mind your younger siblings yes ? I get that your parents are away, but do you ahve any helpful aunts or uncles nearby who you could call who could come to the house and kick him out. Failing that you are 20 right ? Kick him out yourself. You are adult enough to mind the younger siblings yourself. If he won't leave call the cops. In fact call the cops anyway as others are saying. Letting things go as is is not really an option now is it ? You have to protect your siblings as well as yourself and this guy sounds like a predator who should not be around any of you.

LegacyUser

I too find this odd. I mean your brothers are 15 and 16 and you are 20 surely you don't need these people minding you? Ask them to leave your house if they refuse tell the man that you will tell the guards exactly what happened this morning if he protests anymore.

Whats scary is this isn't a guy who did this to a 20 year old girl. This is a guy who also did this to a 13 year old girl. He is not only a sexual predator he is a paedophile sexual predator and whats really worrying is this probably isn't the first time or person he has done this with.

How many younger kids has he done this to that never said anything because they couldn't understand what was going on or were scared?

OP call the guards your 20 years old do it for all those potential little kids he has touched or possibly could touch.

You cannot brush this under the carpet. People like this man have the potential to commit far worse crimes, rape, abduction and even murder. Don't wait. 112. dial it right now. no more excuses.

Cant sleep

Ok i know it might sound like im making alot of excuses but you are not here and i dont want to give too much away but i cant leave because i am working.

I told my parents before they left that I didnt need/want them here but they insited "to look after the kids".

My brothers are 15, and 16 and at school.

I dont have a car.

Siogfinsceal

ok then kick him out or call your parents - of preferrably both!!

Cant sleep

Also they are here because my house would be considered at high risk of robbery... not sure iff that will make sense to you but thats the main reason they would be here.

If i kicked them out i wouldnt be worried about staying "home alone" more about the fact that he might come over.

Volvagia

Is it possible for you to stay somewhere else thats safe tonight?

If you can't get him out of the house as others have suggested staying with a friend of a relative might be an option. I really don't think you should stay there another night with him in the house.

dublingal80

i know you are scared op but seriously get that man out of your house. As soon as him and his wife leave, lock every door, window etc and turn the alarm on and have your mobile stuck to you. If you see him anywhere near your house, call the police.
Its not safe for you to stay there. Either get him out now or you just pick up your stuff and leave

I know you have work but seriously, your safety is more important than work. Call your employer and say you are sick or there was a family emergency and you cant finish your work

Seven years OP! Its time to stand up against him!

SueWho

I get the feeling you're really in a bit of a bubble and you actually think all this is sort of normal. As someone above said, we are all 100% objective here and can see that this is totally and utterly wrong.

Please please please report everything (all of the things he has done to you since you were a child) to the gardai and to your parents. If that seems too hard maybe you could call somewhere like the rape crisis centre and they may be able to help you to tell your family if you are finding that hard. Do not underestimate what has happened to you- what he is doing is, without any doubt, WRONG.

He is twice you're age, has acted inappropriately to you when you were underage and now that you are an adult it does not make his perverse actions anymore acceptable.

Cant sleep

Thanks everyone so much for the support you have no idea how much it means!!!!!

Volvagia

SueWho wrote: »

Please please please report everything (all of the things he has done to you since you were a child) to the gardai and to your parents. If that seems too hard maybe you could call somewhere like the rape crisis centre and they may be able to help you to tell your family if you are finding that hard. Do not underestimate what has happened to you- what he is doing is, without any doubt, WRONG.

This is a great piece of advice

http://www.drcc.ie/contact/index.htm is where you can get their contact details. (Freephone number is 1 800 778 888). They should be able to give you even better advice that you can get here.

My gf was assaulted on dublin public transport last year and they were really really helpful to her throughout the whole thing.