Proposing: Does it matter if you ask her parents' beforehand?

Dostoevsky

I'm probably going to propose to my gf this coming weekend. I'm not really comfortable about the idea of going over to her parents' place and saying anything to them beforehand/ seeking their 'blessing' or whatever it's called. I'm a private person and prefer to keep it that way. I also get a bit uncomfortable with these mushy family occasions.

Anyway, would it matter to any of you girls if the guy did not speak with your parents' before he proposed to you?

RosieJoe

I asked my now Wife's Dad beforehand. His reaction was to ask if she was pregnant :eek:

Running joke was that he never did give permission, even up until the day of the wedding

Silverfish

This was covered in this thread already.

Results were ask her first (77), with the second majority to speak to the parents first (33), and 13 people didn't care.

So I'd say asking her first would be a safe enough bet, but as always, its depends on her. Has she said anything in the past about her opinion on it?

Clare Bear

I think it's a nice thing to do but at the same time I want to be the one to tell my parents first if I get engaged so if they already knew it wouldn't be the same for me. I'm looking forward to the day when I can ring them up and shout down the phone that I'm engaged so I'd prefer if he didn't ask to be honest, even though I like the idea of it, for that reason I'd rather be the first to tell them.

By the way, best of luck this weekend!

event

the father is all i would ask

dublingal80

i always thought i wanted my boyfriend to ask my dad for the permission before he asked me. i just thought it was lovely and traditional and my parents adore my oh. but over the last few months my dad died so now i wouldnt expect him to ask my mam...

if you dont feel comfy, you dont have to do it unless she has mentioned it before. tho i dont think many women would have a big issue with it when their oh finally proposes and the parents didnt know.

best of luck!!!

Joey the lips

I asked my wifes parents for 2 reasons.

1. I respect my wifes parents for raising such a wonderful daughter


2. My wifes parents were traditional and I knew it would be something they would appreciate.

Now as a parent i wonder would I like the same. I wonder if he was a waste of space would I have the right to object. I wounder would me daughter listen.??

Chinafoot

My parents would be baffled and I'd be annoyed.

Everyone is different though

psycho-hope

well my mum borught me up on here own with my grandparents so unless he wanted to ask grandad it wouldnt bother me, I think if a guy asked my mum first she would just crack up laughing and ask why the hell is he asking her first:D

OP, you'll have to decide based on her, and what she would like.
Some of us would be very offended, some of us would think it's a lovely sweet gesture. Personally I'm in the former camp.

The Big Red Button

I would have been quite insulted and disappointed if he'd asked my parents first!

Insulted because it's sort of like he's implying that he doesn't respect me enough to make up my own mind; like my father has to be involved in the decision ... it's nearly like making it a business transation.

Disappointed because, well, it's not my parents he's marrying, it's me! When I got engaged, we didn't tell even family or closest friends for four days afterwards - we spent that weekend in a gorgeous hotel just me and him, we bought the ring and just enjoyed being engaged with no one knowing for a couple of days, it was probably the best weekend of my life so far. Because it meant that getting engaged was only about US spending the rest of our lives together, we didn't need to think about peoples' reactions etc, at least for a few days. If my parents knew before me - well that just seems wrong somehow. One of the best parts is getting to tell everyone and see their reactions etc - but in your own time!

I don't think my dad would have liked to have been asked either. He loves my fiance and all, but just ... the idea of him being asked for his daughter's "hand in marriage" ... cringeworthy! He wouldn't even know how to react to that. I'd like to think that he wouldn't have said yes, purely because I'd hate to think of him seeing me as an "object" that he was giving away or whatever.

Are there any girls out there who would actually appreciate this? I can't understand why!

Das Kitty

I woulda been really pissed off if my husband asked my Dad's permission. It's not his to give. I wouldn't mind him asking my Mam but honestly, I preferred it how it happened, that he asked me and we told everyone together as a couple. I mean it's not like we hadn't discussed it before it happened!

uberwolf

Dostoevsky wrote: »

I'm probably going to propose to my gf this coming weekend.

congrats

greendom

Your GF is not some chattel to be disposed of by her parents. Ask her first and only her, that's all that really matters. You then tell the parents you're getting married. It's none of their business. (Unless you're planning for them to foot the bill).

bills

i definetely wouldnt be impressed but then i think my OH knows me well enough at this stage not to ask them. Surely, you have some idea what she would want?

itsallaboutme!!

it really does depend on the girl and her family in my opinion. i know i would want my OH to tell not necessarily ask my dad first. my dad is a very traditional man and i know he would really appreciate it.

monkeypants

Probably not, but it's a nice thing to do. They won't like to be surprised by sudden announcement most likely.

MAB83

I'm surprised at the number of you that would hate it. It's not like your Dad owns you or anything, it's just a tradition just like the wedding itself and a number of things about marriage is a tradition, I don't know why so many of you are getting so annoyed at the thought of it to be honest

Joey the lips

MAB83 wrote: »

I'm surprised at the number of you that would hate it. It's not like your Dad owns you or anything, it's just a tradition just like the wedding itself and a number of things about marriage is a tradition, I don't know why so many of you are getting so annoyed at the thought of it to be honest

That was my thought just tradition. The funny thing is when I asked her father said "What makes you think she might say yes" :eek:

That was a moment....

The Big Red Button

monkeypants wrote: »

Probably not, but it's a nice thing to do. They won't like to be surprised by sudden announcement most likely.

But presumably you'd have been going out a while, they'd know him, so it's not like it'd be totally out of the blue?

Why should it be all about the parents?

Not being selfish, but it should be about the two people getting engaged ... and if anything, it should be a nice "surprise" for the parents.

In my opinion, there's a good chance that something is wrong in the relationship if the girl's parent's are going to be "badly" surprised when they hear that their daughter has gotten engaged.

PK2008

No, its 2009 not 1909.

What if they said no? Are you going to elope?

sogg

itsallaboutme!! wrote: »

it really does depend on the girl and her family in my opinion. i know i would want my OH to tell not necessarily ask my dad first. my dad is a very traditional man and i know he would really appreciate it.

Exactly - you're seeking his blessing, not looking for his permission! And I'm sure yourself and the girlfriend would have already discussed the possibility of marriage between ye anyway, she just doesn't yet know the time or the place!!

Having said that though I was there when my now brother-in-law came to my Dad, like RosieJoe he never technically gave permission, I think he was just so surprised my brother-in-law had even bothered to ask when he hadn't asked my mother's father! I'd still like my boyfriend to go to my dad though, now a precedent has been set!!

cheekyass

I think it would be really nice to ask her dad for his blessing first - out of respect etc. Again I agree with the others its not about asking for permission as such....But I do strongly think that you should judge it yourself, if she knew how uncomfortable you would be asking him would she mind you not doing it? I would never want my OH to be uncomfortable......

Jules

What if they say yes and she says no... shotgun!!!

No ask her and then both of you tell them together, but do it like your asking for their blessing.

shellyboo

Wouldn't bother me either way, tbh. If he did ask, it's just a tradition and my Dad would respect it. If he didn't, that's cool too.

Ponster

Chinafoot wrote: »

My parents would be baffled and I'd be annoyed.

Everyone is different though

While there was no one forcing me to ask my girlfriends' parents for their blessing (not permission) I did so anyone because :

a) They come from a generation where is was more normal to ask for such a thing (both in their 70s)

b) I had only met them 3 times before in the 2 years I had been going out with Catrin and felt that this would help reinforce any good impressions they already had of me,

c) Because somehow it felt like the right thing to do.

panda100

MAB83 wrote: »

I'm surprised at the number of you that would hate it. It's not like your Dad owns you or anything, it's just a tradition just like the wedding itself and a number of things about marriage is a tradition, I don't know why so many of you are getting so annoyed at the thought of it to be honest

I disagree with traditions that are misogynistic and imply that women are still under the rule of men.
In Africa FGM is a 'tradition' in many tribes,still doesn't make it right though.
Im very close to my parents and I love them a lot but they get no say in whom I marry,that will be my decision so why go through an outdated 'tradition' that just reinforces the patriachal nature of our society.


My brother in law asked my father for permission to marry my sister though so I guess do what you think is right.
If you feel uncomfortable doing it as you said in your opening post then dont do it.

Clare Bear

panda100 wrote: »

I disagree with traditions that are misogynistic and imply that women are still under the rule of men.
In Africa FGM is a 'tradition' in many tribes,still doesn't make it right though.
Im very close to my parents and I love them a lot but they get no say in whom I marry,that will be my decision so why go through an outdated 'tradition' that just reinforces the patriachal nature of our society.

You can't compare FGM to asking a father for his daughter's hand in marriage!!

Anyway if that's the case you don't believe in marriage either because I suppose it means the husband owns his wife?

Bit too much over analysing here I think. I wouldn't like it personally because like I said I'd want to be the one to tell my parents the big surprise though I have no problem with anyone that does it. It really depends on the couple in question.

Trashed

My brother asked his FOB for permission to ask his now wife.

FOB said 'I am saying yes but I doubt she will' and he was right.... took her 2 years to come round to the idea!!!

seamus

panda100 wrote: »

I disagree with traditions that are misogynistic and imply that women are still under the rule of men.
In Africa FGM is a 'tradition' in many tribes,still doesn't make it right though.
Im very close to my parents and I love them a lot but they get no say in whom I marry,that will be my decision so why go through an outdated 'tradition' that just reinforces the patriachal nature of our society.

It's a formality, a nicety. Nobody asks for permission expecting anything but a handshake and a hug, it's not actually seen any more as "asking for permission", instead it's a traditional way of letting the parents know that you intend on asking her to marry you.

It's never been a mysogynistic tradition (look up the meaning of the word), but it is archaic and obsolete. Nevertheless, some women do appreciate traditionalism.

In my case, I asked first and my (now) wife wanted me to ring her parents to then ask for their blessing. Again, this isn't asking parents for "permission" - you have to remember that getting married means joining your spouse's family, so it's nice to include them to and not just foist yourself upon them. My MIL nearly deafened me screaming down the phone, and my FIL's first words were, "Well, did she say yes or no?"

Joey the lips

panda100 wrote: »

I disagree with traditions that are misogynistic and imply that women are still under the rule of men.
In Africa FGM is a 'tradition' in many tribes,still doesn't make it right though.
Im very close to my parents and I love them a lot but they get no say in whom I marry,that will be my decision so why go through an outdated 'tradition' that just reinforces the patriachal nature of our society.


My brother in law asked my father for permission to marry my sister though so I guess do what you think is right.
If you feel uncomfortable doing it as you said in your opening post then dont do it.

ah come on.... Most fella's that do this have a fair idea the girl will say yes... Otherwise they are not going to make a tit of themselves. Bringing FGM into it is just daft. How

How many women will be wearing white on there wedding day.....


I am guessing a lot.....

How many will be sticking with the tradition of being a virgin wears white.....

Its just a tradition.

Cathmandooo

I'd prefer to be asked first just because I'd love to be able to tell my parents myself. But it wouldn't really bother me if they already knew either once I get to know very very soon afterwards, there would be nothing worse than me hearing about it from someone else before being asked :eek:

seamus

Joey the lips wrote: »

How many will be sticking with the tradition of being a virgin wears white.....

Its just a tradition.

White actually has nothing to do with virginity. The white wedding dress was "made" traditional by one of the Queens getting married in a white dress. Up till then it was quite common for the woman to simply wear her best outfit, not necessarily even a new one (who could afford one?).

In most cultures, purity and virginity and are represented by the colour blue, which where the "blue" comes from in the "something old, something..." line. It's also why you'll invariably see the virgin mary dressed in blue in images.

Hrududu

I'd hate it. Just hate it. If someone asked me to marry them and then told me that they'd asked my father's permission it would put me in a terrible mood. It would really take the shine off the proposal. And more to the point it would make me wonder if he knew me at all.

Which is the point really. You should know how your girlfriend feels about this. You should already know if she'd like it or would be offended.

king li

My husband was joking one day with my family about marriage and my grand-mother told him that to forget about going to my dad for a blessing, because it was her he should be going to since she had a major part in bringing me up.

When the time came he did go to my gran and then my folks. I'm glad that he did go to them first because I love my family dearly and it involved them from day one. It means even more to me now, that my gran has passed away and had given her blessing.

Ok some people think its old tradition to do these things, but personally it down to personal choice.

If its any good my husband got very drunk before he asked my parents because his nerves got the better of him.

Walls

And if you went to any member of my family before speaking to me I would not only be furious but refuse to marry you. Going to my family before asking me would be as pointless as I going to yours before I say yes, and if you did I would assume you would think I was their property to dispose of.

So that's a no from me, then.

Bubblefett

it really depends on the girl and situation

My OH and i have talked about the whole marrage thing and we know further down the line it'll happen for us, but he knows how incredably close i am to my dad and that i'd like him to ask first. I guess it's a respect thing, yeah it's dated but i think it'd mean a lot to him (i'm his little girl after all!)

Granted if you haven't discussed marrage much between yourselves and then you ask the dad first i can see it going down like a ton of bricks with the girl

Congats anyway!!!

koHd

I do see the romantic side of asking the dad/mam/whoever. But she's not a peice of property they own and you're borrowing. The only answer that matters is hers, so she is the only one you should ask.

Rozabeez

I'd rather they didn't ask... where's the fun in telling my mother I'm engaged if she already knows?

eviltwin

If my husband had asked my parents permission I would have been livid.

Its nearly 2010 ffs!!!! What kind of man would think that he should be asking anyone other than the woman?

sparkling sea

I would be most upset if either of my daughters boyfriends asked for our permission. I would hope that any potential son in law of mine would not be sexist - full stop.

Also for any young man who asks the father alone - your insulting not only your future wife but also your potential mother in law, and although they may never mention it, and say ah isn't it lovely, my brother in law asked my father twenty odd years ago and it is still a prickly subject with my mother when she's had one to many cherrys.

If you really want this girl to marry you - ask her first, not someone else - because she may just turn you down if you don't.

How would you feel if it was the other way round, after all it is only one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make

Catari Jaguar

My boyf is more of a Mammy's boy than I'm a Daddy's girl. I expect he should be walked down the aisle by his mam and "given away" to me. I can go to her and ask if it's ok for me to have him now and would she be ok with me being the primary female in his life to mind him. I'll only propose if she says it's ok... :rolleyes: Hmm what kind of dowry should I get for taking him on? Of course he'll be a house husband and mind the kids. He's only a man after all, not like he can go and get a job.

minidazzler

Nah, I wouldn't ask the parents at all TBH, unless that was what was expected of me, and at that I would ask her first and then have her keep quiet until I ask them!

Novella

I don't think I'd want a guy to ask my parents could he marry me. I would sort of want him to ask my grandad though. I know that probably sounds really weird but myself and my grandad are exceptionally close and I would be known in the family as 'the apple of his eye'.

I think he'd really appreciate it if he was asked by my OH if he could marry me. He's old fashioned, ya know. Plus, any man who I'm gonna marry is gonna have to be approved by him first 'cause he is my main man!

Dragan

sparkling sea wrote: »

I would be most upset if either of my daughters boyfriends asked for our permission. I would hope that any potential son in law of mine would not be sexist - full stop.

I find it a bit of a stretch to see such things as "sexist" straight off the bat. Is it not more important the views of the people involved, rather than the outside views of anyone else?

My brother in law asked my Father's permission to marry my sister. My sister, being the weird and modern blend of woman who has the time to entertain both tradition and modern thinking decided that her poor boyfriend, being the shy and retiring type, needed a proper test to prove he was the man for her.

She could have helicoptered her silken scarf to the top of Mt Everest and told him she would only marry him if he went on foot to retrieve it, but no, she had to be a wagon and make him ask my Dad.

I have never seen a guy shake with nerves so much in my life as that visit home. Simply greetings were uttered through chattering teeth and then himself and my father went off for a stroll. Little did he know that my father had been forwarned, the web of lies to build this evil joke included pretty much everyone except the poor victim.

After finally building up the courage to ask for my sisters hand, my father looked my now brother in law up and down and said "No".

The look on his face was, apparently, priceless. But, basically, we are a family of practical jokers, from myself and my brother burying the car ( at the ages 12 and 16 respectively ) on a beach in Wexford ( we got about half way up to only be sold out by our kid sister ) to the endless monkey shines pulled by both parents on their unsuspecting kids.

My sister said it just seemed to fit the bill at the time.

Anyway, long story short, plenty of blokes, fathers and parents out there (even girls of marrying age i am told ) consider old things that used to represent darker times to new things that can represent all kinds of happy ****.

Basically, prejudging someone based off only your interpretation of their actions without asking what inspired said actions is a bit much, no?

newmills

The missus and i had decided we would get married first but we decided also that it would be nice in an old fashioned sort of way to ask her father not so much for his permission but more for his blessing.
I wanted to explain that i loved his daughter and that i would take care of her as i knew that he loved her and had taken care of her all of her life.
The problem is that her dad doesn't really like me (different religion for starters - i don't practice and have brought my kids up the same religion as him - coming from northern ireland i've seen enough crap over religion to give it a wide berth).
Anyway i call him up at home - his wife answers the phone (knows why i'm calling), calls him, he gets up from the seat cursing cause he's engrosed in the telly, trips and falls over the dog - cue serious cursing, then gets to the phone where i'm waiting like a school kid who's been called to see the headmaster!!
Thankfully he said yes!!

sparkling sea

Dragan wrote: »

I find it a bit of a stretch to see such things as "sexist" straight off the bat. Is it not more important the views of the people involved, rather than the outside views of anyone else?

Basically, prejudging someone based off only your interpretation of their actions without asking what inspired said actions is a bit much, no?

Yes you sister set up her boyfriend - he had obviously asked her first.

For me this a very sexist act because the whole premise is based on sexism. As a parent of daughters and a son, there would never be a situation were this action would be respectful to anyone, not matter how funny.

Neither would I appreciate it if my son was asked to ask the father, I would find it disrespectful to his future wife and to me.

Your brother in law was not really asking your father, he was the butt of a family joke hardly the same thing

Anything that propagates the myth that a woman is unable to make decisons regarding her own life is a backward step, although its your right to consider it to be a joke. It is still sending a message that a woman needs permission and a man does not, for woman who suffer because of these types of messages its not funny at all.

Sexism is still a real issue in Ireland in many regards, we haven't cracked the glass ceiling yet. While people still allow for the asking for a womans hand to be acceptable and even seen as respectful, we never will.

Thats my opinion

This isn't a tradition in my family.
Honestly my parents would be weirded out if a potential fiancee saw the need to seek their approval. Even as a token.

Dragan

sparkling sea wrote: »

Yes you sister set up her boyfriend - he had obviously asked her first.

For me this a very sexist act because the whole premise is based on sexism. As a parent of daughters and a son, there would never be a situation were this action would be respectful to anyone, not matter how funny.

Neither would I appreciate it if my son was asked to ask the father, I would find it disrespectful to his future wife and to me.

Your brother in law was not really asking your father, he was the butt of a family joke hardly the same thing

Anything that propagates the myth that a woman is unable to make decisons regarding her own life is a backward step, although its your right to consider it to be a joke. It is still sending a message that a woman needs permission and a man does not, for woman who suffer because of these types of messages its not funny at all.

Sexism is still a real issue in Ireland in many regards, we haven't cracked the glass ceiling yet. While people still allow for the asking for a womans hand to be acceptable and even seen as respectful, we never will.

Thats my opinion

Sexism is a massive issue in Ireland, look how men will be branded sexist for merely asking a question.

I completely agree.

panda100

Clare Bear wrote: »

You can't compare FGM to asking a father for his daughter's hand in marriage!!

Anyway if that's the case you don't believe in marriage either because I suppose it means the husband owns his wife?

I do believe in marriage but for me marriage is not about a husband owning his wife.Its two people in love ,making a long term commitment to each other.
I think in the RC church their are vows that says the women should serve and obey her husband, but I think most people take them out now as a modern marriage is about equal partnership.

seamus wrote: »

It's a formality, a nicety.

To me something so steeped in sexism can not be a 'nicety'.
I do not ask my father whom I should sleep with.
I do not ask my father permission of whom I should date.
I do not ask my father how I should spend my money or what religion I should believe in. So why on earth would the man that I love and want to spend the rest of MY life with ask my father for permission to make a long life commitment to me. It has nothing whatsoever to do with him?!


I dont believe in keeping 'traditions' that make things unequal for people especially between genders and especially,in a soceity where women are still paid less than men,women are trafficked into this country as sex slaves and we still dont have the right to choose what we do with our own bodies.I could not marry someone who thought it was more important to keep old, patriachal traditions then someone who can do every little bit he can to ensure that in our relationship we are treated as one and equals.

sparkling sea

Although some people see it as a traditional ceremony and celebration, marriage is fundementally a legal contract that two people enter into - it allows that certain rights and protections under the law and allows for constitutional protection for all both parties and any off spring

Any religious connections are purely personal, they have no legal standing, its a business contract, some people seem to forget this - its huge