Depression, relationship, what next

Gillo

Right here's a long one and sorry as I'm kinda in a rush, I'm just looking for opinions / advice, ideally not judgement.

I've known my wife for over ten years, we were on and off for some of that time but at a guess we were on 75% of the time and most of the time we were off we really did get on as mates. I had cheated on her twice years ago but had put that past me and was honest and decent. We have a eight year old daughter.

We got married last year 29th Dec. I always found it hard to open up to people even to her. I'd say about a year and a half possibly longer ago I started to get depression, it wasn't bad and I ignored it but looking back the signs were there I just figured I was a bit down. As I said we got married last December and things seemed really great the first few months then in March the depression got really bad. I didn't know what to do and just felt like I wanted an escape from it all, I know some people hit the bottle some do drugs, I stupidly went looking for someone else. I signed up to a dating site and meet someone, I had an affair with them on and off for five months. Yes I know what I did was terrible and believe me I do feel so bad for doing it. It wasn't for the sex or really the campinionship it was about escaping the reality of my life, and yes I thought I was in love but it was just that I was escaping the depression, not being sad old boring me.

My wife knew there was something up but I denied it, I really didn't want to hurt her, but she eventually found about about the affair and yes threw me out. We already talked about me moving out. By this stage she'd already brought me to the doctor about the depression as I'd admitted to that and I was also seeing a counsellor.

I know what I did was totally awful, and do feel so so bad for the hurt, the pain and the dishonesty.

Anyway things came to a head this week, I tried to contact my wife but she won't even talk to me and says she had moved on. I find it so hard to believe she genuinely has as we had so many good times and were great together. So come Tuesday morning I couldn't face going into work, I went to our house instead as I still had keys, I wrote her a suicide note, and made a noose. Luckily I downed half a bottle (the big ones) of vodka and went to lie down, I woke up just before she was due home and paniced, so I left the house just before she got back. I'd texted her earlier in the day and she knew something wasn't right I'd also texted my brother and between them they figured what I was planning and made a lot of calls.

She managed to find me and picked me up to bring me back to my folks house. I tried to call her that night but again she won't talk, so instead I scratched my arm until I bled.

It's basically like this I can't go on without her, I just don't have the emotion or will power to, the only thing stopping me doing it again is everyone is "guilt tripping" how bad it would be for our daughter if I did do something.

Thats the short version of events in my life this year, I'd love opinions and advice. Look I know what I did, it was an escape having the affair and it meant nothing to me, but please don't just post and tell me I'm a prick, I don't like blaming the depression but that's what the reason was, yeah it'd be better if I had just turned into an alcaholic.

Wurly

Ok OP - firstly I am sorry for what you are going through.

But you need to see this from your wife's perspective. If she did this to you, how would you feel? There are only so many times you can forgive. There is only so many times you will break your back for someone and get nothing in return. She was right to walk, I would have too.

You need to seriously get help. Making nooses, drinking to dangerous levels. Please please see someone about this. You have to concentrate on getting better before you can have a significant other in your life. If it's meant to be, it will work out.

But you can't expect her to put up with your world of sh1t and not think of herself. This is your responsibility, not hers. It's not up to her to save you. You need to do that yourself. Give each other space and go get the help you need.

I wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

First of all, i am really sorry to hear your going through such a hard time at the moment. I suffered from depression for years and i remember vividly some of the feelings you describe.
The only thing is, that i am now on the over side of it, and you can come out of...
Believe it or not, you wont even realise your feeling better, it just happens but you have to give it time.

As for what you are doing in relation to your wife, i have to say that your post sounds pretty selfish, you only seem concerned with your feelings, i know you are hurting, but so is she. What happened has affected her too and she has a right to react in whatever way she feels neccessary to deal with whats happening. Unfortunately, you cant force her to talk to you, she either wont listen, or will resent you.
You really need to focus on making yourself happy, in your own skin and not focus on what she is doing.
As for the suicidal thing, as i mentioned previously, i suffered from depression for years, i now have a 4 year year old. I was suicuidal when i was really sick but i can tell you right now, since having my daughter, even at my lowest moments, i could never do that to her.
Dont make your daughter grow up without you in her life, however bad you feel about yourself right now, dont put her in a position where she has to miss you for the rest of hers.

Good luck, and remember, this too will pass...

kittenkiller

So you figured that after cheating on your wife on and off through the duration of your relationship and denying it to her face as if you thought she was a moron, if she has moved on you should let her find your hanging body in the house she shared with your daughter?

Nice!
You obviously care about no one but yourself.
That's the most selfish thing I've ever heard of and I'm a pretty selfish person myself!

Let your wife move on.
Arrange visitation for your daughter.
See a counselor or psychiatrist.
Avoid drinking.
Stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself and move on.

Personally, I think that you scratched yourself until you bled so you could try and get just that little bit more sympathy from those around you.

Keep it up and there'll be no one who cares enough to stick around.

sam34

to be honest, depression or not,it looks like you are attempting to manipulate your wife into getting back with you, by threatening suicide otherwise.

get help from a professional for teh depression.

acknowledge and admit that YOU ended your marriage and your wife deserves the chance to move on without you manipulating her like this.

sam34

Gillo wrote: »

Look I know what I did, it was an escape having the affair and it meant nothing to me, but please don't just post and tell me I'm a prick, I don't like blaming the depression but that's what the reason was, yeah it'd be better if I had just turned into an alcaholic.

sorry, just had to pick up on this... are you seriously blaming depression for you having an affair???

depressed people have little energy, get-up-and-go, motivation, reduced sex drives and find it hard to derive pleasure and enjoyment from things.

so pursuing an affair would not be remotely typical of a depressed person.

Novella

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, OP.

However, having suffered from depression myself and dealing with it still on an on-going basis, all I can say really is that it has never caused me to be unfaithful to any partners. It's no excuse, imo.

You got married, that's a big deal. You made a promise, you committed yourself to another person. Then what? Three months or so later you go and begin an affair.

If I married someone and he did that to me, I would more than likely NEVER speak to him again. I mean, you betrayed your wife. This is the woman you have spent ten years of your life with, you made a daughter with her. Can you imagine how she feels knowing that only a short time after you married, you went behind her back, deceived her and were with someone else?

You say you can't live without her. You can. You should never ever place your happiness on someone else's shoulders. It is not up to her, or anyone else to make you happy. It is up to you.

What you are doing now (drinking heaving, the self harm, the making of the noose etc.) is not going to win your wife back. It sort of seems like a kind of emotional blackmail if I'm being blunt. Also, do you want her to speak to you and/or get back with you because she feels sorry for you? Have some more self worth.

You made a mistake, we all do. What counts is how you deal with it. Maybe your wife will never forgive you, but think of your little girl. She deserves a father so don't do anything stupid, even for her sake.

I suggest you speak to your GP or even Samaritans. Talking helps and it'll be easier for you to deal with this period of your life and move on if you have the help and support of others. Best of luck.

miec

Hi Op

When I read your post I was very disturbed that you went to the former marital home to hang yourself in the house where she and most likely your daughter would have found you, have you any idea how shocking that is, to find a dead body hanging? The trauma that would have caused to your wife and daughter. Okay you got drunk instead but did you leave the noose there for her to come home to. I am sorry Op but those are the actions of an incredibly self centered, angry, cruel person. You were going to punish her for trying to move on without you. What you are doing is emotionally blackmailing your wife, and you are asking us here not to judge or condemn you for the affair because of your depression. A lot of people here suffer from depression, and yes it is often hard to see anyone elses pain outside of your own, but you have to grow some awareness because you are causing terrible harm to those who either love you or loved you. Your basically pissing on their feelings and then punishing them when they don't play ball. I have to say I was incredibly angry reading your post, the infidelity was bad enough but yes we all make mistakes, but the fact you were going to do that to the woman you claim that you cannot live without, I am sorry Op it is extremely difficult to me to offer you sympathy but you need therapy and you need to wake up to your horrific self centeredness and become a genuinely loving person. Love is about wanting whats best for the other person, and sometimes that means letting go or knowing and accepting when you've ****ed up too much and letting that person go with love.

LegacyUser

Guys, there is a mental illness called 'bipolar'. get manic sometimes and depression sometimes. when the patient is manic, s/he would very energetic and hyper.


OP, go get professional help first.

if you love your wife, let her go.

sam34

Betokens was wrote: »

Guys, there is a mental illness called 'bipolar'. get manic sometimes and depression sometimes. when the patient is manic, s/he would very energetic and hyper.


OP, go get professional help first.

if you love your wife, let her go.

yes, that illness exists. that doesnt mean the op has it.

he is blaming his depression, wanting an escape, for him having the affair.

MissFlitworth

If you actually do love your wife then back off away from her and work on getting better before you even consider trying to make things work with the 2 of you again. She must be at her wits end with dealing with you and the crap you've landed on her and she has an 8 year old to look after as well. You've cheated on her 3 times, lied to her when she knew something was up and you intended to hang yourself in her home where her and possibly your daughter would come across your body, god love her. Maybe you two do have a chance in the future but for the moment what you're doing is not fair at all- get help to get your head straight and leave her alone.