Never been with a girl

LegacyUser

Hello there,

I feel so sad. I'm 20 and I've never been with a girl, not even as much as kissed a girl. It may sound trivial to some, but it's really not. This is getting me really down lately.

I have no idea what to say when I'm around girls. I feel like if I open my mouth what comes out is bound to not come out as it was meant, resulting in people raising their eyebrows at me or just laughing to each other. I just get very nervous and would rather keep quiet than make a fool of myself or say something stupid. By keeping quite I end coming across as withdrawn and people probably think I'm a bit weird or something.

I'm just really looking for some advice. I tend to over-analyse things and I'm quite insecure. It makes me feel really depressed when I see everyone else my age who have been with girls and have experienced these things. I just want to fit in, have fun and similar experiences to everyone else.

Lately I've been thinking about visiting an escort to get the whole thing out of the way and get some experience. I know that sounds bad but it's really starting to get to me and I don't know what to do. I think it might help my confidence around girls.

I've had the chance to kiss girls before when I was younger but I chickened out. I was afraid I'd do something wrong or not know what to do. I was always afraid of messing up or people laughing at me.

I need some advice on how to approach girls and be confident.

Again, I'm sorry if some people find it trivial but it is playing a huge part in my life and it is always on my mind now.


Thank you,
LonelyLad

LegacyUser

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I've posted on here before anonymously about the same issue pretty much. I'm 32, male and have only kissed 1 girl and that was back around when I was 20/21. Since then nothing. I did meet a girl last year and we fooled around a bit but she completely f*****d my head up to the point where I wish I'd never met her. So from my own point of view, we may not have met and nothing happened.

I've only really ever had sex twice in my life and both times it was with hookers. I was drunk both times, but at the end of the day, I knew what I was doing.

I've never had sex with a normal girl. And even with the two hookers, I never came either time. The first time I was drunk and was sort of feeling uptight. The second time I was even more drunk and I'm not sure if I even got inside (sorry for being crude).

My point is that I regretted both of these incidents. I felt like s*** that I let my first time be with a hooker. So I basically had to pay a woman to help me lose my virginity. And I'll be honest with you. Seeing my love life has been non-existent in the 10 years which followed, I feel like I'm a virgin again.

Like I said I've never been with a woman normally so I feel like some sort of weirdo and freak. You could go to an escort and get a ride but I'll be honest, it's just papering over the cracks. I'm not sure going to a hooker/escort is going to fix your underlying issues with confidence, self-esteem and insecurity.

If I had to bet, I'd say if you went through with it, you'd feel relieved initially that you got a ride, but then regret that you had to pay for it. Do you really want to set a precedent in your mind that the only way you can get sex is to pay for it?

Also don't forget the STI risks. I'm paranoid at the best of times and although I felt grand after those encounters, I had this nagging thought at the back of my head. What if I have an STI?

Eventually I just decided to bite the bullet and I went to the doctor to get tested. It's not exactly the most empowering experience to have to drop the jocks, have a doc examine you there, take blood samples and have you wizz into a cup too.

Thankfully my tests came back clear and I swore to myself I'd never put myself in that situation again.

Since then, I've had no experience with women. Not because of the STI test experience, but just because I've absolutely no confidence or self esteem. If I'm out on a night out, if I see a girl looking at me, I don't even really have the confidence to look back at her. I immediately look away. And every night out, without fail, I come home alone, guaranteed.

So take it from someone who's been through it, avoid the escorts, save your money and work on your issues.

For example, I'm back in the gym now and have cleaned up my diet considerably to help me lose weight. Once I get down to my target weight, I'm going to buy a rake of new clothes.

In my head, I feel like s*** most of the time. I've no confidence or self esteem and I'll be blunt, the thoughts of suicide have occasionally crept in, although I know I'd never go through with it. So I'm going to my doctor next week to talk to him. I think I may be suffering from some form of depression and/or anxiety. Either that or I just spend too much time thinking. Depending on what the doctor says, I'm sort of trying to gear myself into thinking that I need to go for counselling. I'll be honest and say that I'm sceptical about that aspect. I feel like my thought patterns and behaviour are so etched in stone after 32 years of being single that they're impossible to change.

Anyway OP, my advice is to skip the escorts, save your money and perhaps look at ways to improve your life. Doing more exercise, going out more, meeting new people, perhaps even talking to a professional about what's going on in your head.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

Sorry to hear that your feeling down. IMO the crux of this problem is your insecurity and confidence issues. These are what you need to address first. Try and put the whole "I've never kissed a girl etc" out of your head. Concentrate on feeling comfortable in your own skin and then others will feel comfortable around you.

Is there something that you are quite good at or really enjoy - a sport, music, art, an activity? If so then use this to build your confidence, it will do you good to do well at something and others can also see you shine. Also if you can find a club or group of people to train with a couple of times a week (one all male, one mixed) you build common ground, go out for drinks, banter, take the p*ss whatever. Forget about the girls for a while.

Is there any aspect of your apperance you feel you'd like to change? Maybe a few sessions at the gym or some new clothes or a haircut? Just something to lift your spirit - it's always nice when you change something about your apperance and having people compliment you.

You are also probably seeing every girl you meet as someone who might change your situation. Next time you meet a girl, at a party, in a group of friends just try not to over analyse. Build yourself up gently. Have a polite 5 minute conversation and if you start to feel uncomfortable just excuse yourself. Do that 3 times in one night. Next time have a ten minute conversation and so on. I often find talking to people one on one is much easier than in a large group. Unless you know the group well if can be difficult you infiltrate the in jokes etc!

Don't go to an escort, it will all happen the right way for you sooner or later and you'll be happier that you waited when it does. Just try and be happy be in yourself, chin up!!! x

Reesy

Quick suggestion: At the next social opportunity, pick a girl that you don't fancy, and chat with her as if she's a guy. That way you can practice safely, and build your skills.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

I envy ye, i have to go back to the std clinic in the morning, cant wait for 2009 to be over.

Good luck guys there is someone for you somewhere!