Lonely at college

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Ok, so I am an 18 year old girl, started college at the end of September. I have always been a bit quiet and shy around new people, but I had lots of friends throughout secondary school and am still part of a close-knit group of friends. However, I have really struggled to make friends in college. I've made acquaintances, people I can say hello to when I see them, but no real friends - I have nobody to go to college events with or whatever. My best friends are all in different colleges to me and have managed fine, made good friends etc, and I just feel so left behind. I'm not really sure why I haven't made friends, because in secondary school it was never a problem for me, aside from a little shyness at first. It just hasn't happened for me in college and it seems now that cliques and groups have formed and it's too late for me to do anything about it.
I know people will tell me to join societies etc but in my college they are not very active (art college, relatively small college), and my confidence has been damaged so much by now that I feel too insecure to go to these things by myself. Some days just feel so unbearable because I feel I don't even have anyone to chat to/have a laugh with. The only thing making my college experience worthwhile is the fact that I love the work and I am living with two of my best friends, who are total lifesavers! But the whole social situation is now beginning to creep into my work, grades are falling slightly, etc.
Have I set myself up as a social outcast for the next four years? It seems as though everyone knows everyone else and have their groups while I am watching from the sidelines. All I want is a few friends that I can go to lunch with, go out on the town with now and again, etc. I can't stop comparing my 'progress' or lack of it to that of my friends - they're going out/socialising with new friends from college and the like.
Can anyone offer advice on my situation? I am going on a week-long college trip abroad soon and the thought of it just fills me with utter dread because I am so lonely when at college, it is such a relief to be home in my flat with my friends, and I obviously won't have that option there! Thanks in advance.

Overheal

my confidence has been damaged so much by now that I feel too insecure to go to these things by myself.

Youre confidence is shattered Why? Because you havent made friends? Because you havent made friends because youre too shy to go out? Seems rather Cyclical.

I dont know where you got the idea that you can only be seen going out somewhere if you're with someone, but its simply a falsehood.

I can't stop comparing my 'progress' or lack of it to that of my friends - they're going out/socialising with new friends from college and the like.

Well you'll have to. All its getting you is a serious case of inadequacy issues. Its not a competition just get out there and enjoy yourself and stop trying to measure success in a social setting: It doesnt even make sense, imo.

T "real deal" J

alllie112 wrote: »

Can anyone offer advice on my situation? I am going on a week-long college trip abroad soon and the thought of it just fills me with utter dread because I am so lonely when at college, it is such a relief to be home in my flat with my friends, and I obviously won't have that option there! Thanks in advance.

Awww i feel bad for you, you seem like a nice girl who just needs a little push.
Think about this week long trip as an opportunity. All you need to do in college is make one good friend and it'll be deadly! More friends will follow.

When you're on the trip, If you see a couple of girls who look nice and friendly..just go over to them and say "hi guys, can i hang out with you...i don't really know anyone that well". They'll just go "yeh sure" and you just go "nice one i don't want to be on my toblerone". **** it you've nothing to loose...you've only started out believe me it's going to get better

tonsiltickler

Heya, not to worry. I found first yr unbelievably tough and lonely. Join every society and sport you can and you'll make loads of friends. Really try to make an effort with ppl too, ask them to go for coffee on your breaks and all that. I know it sounds cliched but it does work like.

I remember all my breaks just wandering around college by myself, i used to dread going in every day. Rugby, photographic soc and 5 yrs later i have some really close friends. It does work.

I wish u the very best

Cows Go µ

In my second year of college, I had a big fight with one of my best friends and I just couldn't handle being around her anymore (mainly because I was sick too and extremely down because of it) and because we had such a small group I couldn't stay away from so I had to go and make new friends. It was really hard. What actually saved me was the college internet forum, its silly but it got me through 2nd year and my best friends are there now. Just about to move in with one of them. I'm now friends with my old friends again but I'm determined not to rely on them again. In college you really have to put yourself out there, make yourself go and talk to people you don't know, it'll be hard at first but its really worth it.

LegacyUser

I am currently in my 4th year of college and I was in the same situation as you find your self in now. I went to college just outside of Dublin and all of my friends from school went to college in Dublin and I found myself going into Dublin all the time to go out. I also had terrible house mates which didn't help. I joined loads of clubs at the start of the year only went to two and stuck out one. Thinking back I would actually ring up lads I hardly knew and ask them what they at and if they they where going out etc? But after that I started to know people really well like I hated the first semester but loved the second semester of 1st year.

Its always going to be hard sometimes like look at what happened me during my years in college. Two lads in my course I hung around with in 1st year dropped out. One of the guys who I would always hang around with failed and had to repeat 2nd year. One guy takes a year out and another finishes (did a 3 year degree). I am now in 4th year with a few of the lads taking year out to do a placement while my other friends are now finished college. Found it hard to get people to go out with especially after an incident during the summer where my group of friends split in half after a bust up but after ringing up people who I hadn't talk to in a while and mixing with my friends mates but after a while it paid off.

stumblina

i know exactly how you feel. i found my first year of college so tough, moved in with three fellas and two of them treated me like **** makin my first year even more miserable, i've always found it tough to make friends, like you i'm shy with people but i've always had one person looking out for me and he's always told me you cant lock yourself away from the world and there will always be someone out there who'll want to be your friend, have more confidence in yourself, so dont give up, there are others like you in first year feeling lonely and feeling as though they have no one so just remember you are not alone

.seven.

I know exactly what you mean.I am in first year college in Galway at the moment and am finding it pretty tough.All of my friends are in Dublin and I am really shy when it comes to meeting people that I do not know.To be honest with you,I do not have any helpful advice but I can assure you that you are not alone.You seem like a nice person and I hope that in time,you will make good friends and start to have an even better time in college.

LegacyUser

.seven. wrote: »

I know exactly what you mean.I am in first year college in Galway at the moment and am finding it pretty tough.All of my friends are in Dublin and I am really shy when it comes to meeting people that I do not know.To be honest with you,I do not have any helpful advice but I can assure you that you are not alone.You seem like a nice person and I hope that in time,you will make good friends and start to have an even better time in college.

this.

and seven i hope things look up for you too. i was in the very same position as you both until a matter of weeks ago. key is relax, i wasnt relaxing. screw it, let everybody see who you are, if they dont like you/accept you then what have you lost?!
btw, seven try joining the mates and dates society, im guessing that has to be filled with people who are willing to make an effort and find friends. (i go to galway aswell. nui)

DigiGal

My dear it sounds like we may be in the same college and having the same prob....

why don't you PM me....we can be friends

T "real deal" J

DigiGal wrote: »

My dear it sounds like we may be in the same college and having the same prob....

why don't you PM me....we can be friends

THat's a nice ending to this. Hopefully your class trip went well too. happy Christmas

donmeister

DigiGal wrote: »

My dear it sounds like we may be in the same college and having the same prob....

why don't you PM me....we can be friends

Fair play to you, thats one of the nicest gestures I've seen on boards! Kudos! :cool:

LickLickLick

Yeah I feel the same about college! I guess clubs and societies is the way to go Hope everything works out for you



What college are you in
Sounds like my college hah

DigiGal

OP I'm in NCAD btw

and I feel exactly the same as you

Keep seeing pics on facebook of everyone going out to different nights and hearing stories about people going to other peoples houses etc and I seem ton just leave college and sit at home all night....
Everyone has their cliques and in jokes and when you try to talk to em they all just look at you right?

pulpfictionost

You need to take risks and surprise yourself, if you are talking to someone and the oppurtunity arises ask them if they are heading out tonight? act like its normal. Confidence is all in your head, you can be whoever you want to be. Even ugly awkward people can be socially accepted if they are bubbly and charismatic.

But if thats not your thing you should just go along to some club or society and just blend in. Walk up to a friendly looking bunch and ask whats going on here.

If things get awkward just leave but dont care about it. You only live once. And i have tried to make tons of friends and made a fool of myself, you need to just laugh it off!

Larianne

People will have perceptions of you. It always happens when you start a new course or class. It's up to you to change it. No matter how much you wish for someone to come over and talk to you, to let you into their group, they won't.

When I first went to college, which also happened to be Art college, people thought I was a snob. Why? Because I was a quiet person. I had my few friends in college (which I didn't mind at all) and did my work. I ended up working with nearly my whole class one summer when the course finished and people got to know me they told me this. Apparently I was 'aloof'. First I knew about it.

The point is, it really is up to you to go talk to people. Make silly chit chat and see how you get on. I've gone back to college this year as a mature student and I made myself chat to everyone and anyone. There is no need to be afraid of anyone or feel like you won't get along. Being in college is different to school as you are all doing a course that interests you. So you have that one interest in common, at least, at college.

You say you have a class trip coming up. This will be a great way to start talking to people. Put any negative thoughts that you've already had in your head to one side and just get chatting.

I would like to say it's easy but it's not. But it does get easier the more you do it. As pulpfictionost said in his/her post above "You only live once".

LegacyUser

Hey guys, OP again. Thanks to everyone for their advice! I am definitely going to try and take it on board, hopefully things will improve in the new year; and I hope you all had a nice Christmas!

DigiGal wrote: »

OP I'm in NCAD btw

and I feel exactly the same as you

Keep seeing pics on facebook of everyone going out to different nights and hearing stories about people going to other peoples houses etc and I seem ton just leave college and sit at home all night....
Everyone has their cliques and in jokes and when you try to talk to em they all just look at you right?

DigiGal, yes it appears we are in the same college! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

beauty101

I was in the same situation as u when i first went to college...I knew nobody there + I was too shy to go to any society meetings/to let loose enough to make friends with new people. I hated that my friends + boyfriend were all together in ucd having a great time, so I'd skip college + go ang out with them. After a month i made a stupid mistake + dropped out.

I really regretted that + i still do. the course wasn't ideal for me but it was a waste.
After a year out I applied to a different college + was determined to stick it out + not to waste another year.

The key is to start slowly, I got talking to a girl in the queue when we were getting our student cards, she was already friends with another girl in my year + the group grew + grew, today we're still friends + those girls are some of my best friends.

So try sit next to someone you think looks nice..don't pressurise yourself either cos you're not gonna become best friends in a day. Societies + nights out + all that buzz are great when you've got ur friends.

Good luck u can definitely do it

Papillon!

i think i may also be in the same college. if u ever wana just hang out PM me. i think some people are still settling in, not to worry, most people are great(:

DigiGal

alllie112 wrote: »

Hey guys, OP again. Thanks to everyone for their advice! I am definitely going to try and take it on board, hopefully things will improve in the new year; and I hope you all had a nice Christmas!




DigiGal, yes it appears we are in the same college! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Hey OP

I promise things will get better soon, I started off with no friends, then just one or 2 aquaintences now I have 2 or 3 people I can definitely call my friends.
I'm still as of yet to go out with anyone from college(I was sure my life would be full of dancing and electro nights and drink promos by now) but I'm sure I'll get around to it.

I know it might look like everyone is in a clique and there are alot of bitchy assholes in our college but I see lots of fighting within the cliques, its not as perfect as it seems....
It is possible that people had preconceptions of you, as they did of me, but when they get to know you they will see preconceptions are unfounded. eg..I was very quiet and shy people thought I was ignorant or weird..i wasn't I was just nervous.

Feel free to PM me and I can introduce yuou some people I know. I found once I met one new person I got to meet all their friends.....

important to note, not everyone will wnat to be your friend, some people are assholes like that and out of every group you are thrown into over all the different modules etc...If you can make one friend in each group you'll be flying!