Depressing Christmas on the horizon

LegacyUser

Okay, this is a bit of a long one so please bear with me

A few months ago I posted this thread (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055539328) and took the advice from it. Much appreciated, by the way.

Anyway, in the months since that thread, I have 95% gotten over it. I've accepted that shes not interested in my father romantically anymore. She is now living 5-10 minutes away with the other guy, but we have stayed friends. She visits once a week for an hour or two and still talks with my father and grandmother, which is good. However I have told her that I will not talk to, or in anyway acknowledge, his existance. A handfull of times we'll pass each other in the street, and every time I will only look at my mother, and will not even glance at him; an arrangement which we seem to have accepted.

I have accepted that things have gone the way they have, and there's nothing we can do about it.

The problem is, my father and grandmother haven't.

They still have hope that she will come back, and I'm starting to dread this Christmas. I don't know how they'll react to her not being here. I mean it's 10 days before Christmas and we still haven't put up any decorations, which'll give you an indication to their mindframe. My mother is visiting tomorrow and the plan is to put them up then, so fingers crossed that goes ahead.

But like I said, I don't know what reaction they'll have at Christmas dinner and present time, where she won't be around.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for from this thread, so any advice at all will be appreciated.

Overheal

Honestly?

I dont think youre doing your Father or your Grandmother any favors with the Show; where you blank this other guy, your would-be stepfather. Its just a clear Flag that you are not OK with this arrangement as much as you've told yourself you are. And its just another signal to your Family that they should not approve either, or for that matter learn to accept it.

I think you have more work to do in that regard. Perhaps you could give your mother and her new - well, her new Partner - the gift of Forgiveness this Christmas. You've "Accepted" her choice. You havent Forgiven her, I notice.

LegacyUser

With all due respect Overheal, that's a very romantic and moving idea, but this is real life and things aren't as easy as that.

She is my mother, which means I have a strong connection with her and I don't want to lose her. That's why we are remaining friends. The other guy I have no obligation to, so I don't see why I should fake one.

I never said I was OK with the arrangement, I said I accepted it, and I accepted that there's nothing I can do about it, so I'm coping with it the way I want to, and it's working fine.

I came here looking for advice, not an interrogation.

Overheal

I dont think I was interrogating you. But thats my advice. You dont have any Obligation to this new man no, but he is a big part of her life now. If you continue to blank him and refuse to engage in conversation about him, you will find yourself quietly drift apart from your mother.

And now to be perfectly frank, you're not coping with it, or you wouldnt be here, dreading Christmas and asking for Help. And its not working fine, or your Father and Grandmother wouldnt be this upset about it still. So Something has gotta give. And since its You asking for advice, I advise speaking with your priest and seeking counsel about Forgiveness and Acceptance (or at the least, ask your Priest for advice; I assume from your last Thread youre a spiritual person).

If you think this is interrogatory and not advice, then you came on here for hugs and sympathy, not help. I dish out little of the mushy things, they rarely offer all but a momentary and fleeting sense of comfort, which wont help you when you get off the PC and back to dealing with the Issues. But here is the first Hug I have ever given in PI. Why? Because its Christmas and youve pushed a button. Enjoy!

/hug

leahcim

Anon O'Mous I really feel for you, its a though thing to see your parents separate.

The only advice I can give is for you to work hard this Christmas to lift the mood of your Dad and Grandmother by keeping them occupied.

You say they have no Christmas decorations up yet; well you could put them up, or get them to help you put them up.

Try not to end up sitting around reminiscing about happier Christmases in the past, keep your family occupied, play cards or get out and go for long walks. Try to encourage your family not to spend Christmas just lounging around watching TV, its too easy to get lost in your own thoughts and feel melancholy when you are not communicating.

Sorry I cannot offer any better advice. I hope things improve for you and your family.

dearg lady

As difficult as the situation is, I don't think you're making it any easier on yourself. My parents separated when I was 19 and still living at home, and it was very hard, and the first Christmas wasn't great tbh, but it did get better for everyone involved. I know you're focused on how this affects you, and honestly, I have a lot of sympathy for you, but I do think you need to consider others too.

How do you think it makes your mother feel when you won't even speak to her partner, do you have any idea how difficult that must be for her to deal with? What exactly are you hoping to achieve by blanking him? Overheal has hit teh nail on the head by saying all it will probably do is push your mother and yourself apart.

Do also think about what your dad is going through at the moment, this is his first christmas without his wife in how many years? I would try to make soem effort to be festive for his sake. Sometimes making the effort for other people makes you own problems easier to bear.

Do you ever visit your mother at her new place? You say she visits your house, but that may be awkward with your dad and grandmother there. If I were you I would make more effort to call to your mams house, and also to meet her out, for shopping or for a drink or soemthing like that. Myself and my mam do this often, and we have become so close over the years, we can talk about anything.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it seems like you are wallowing a bit. I understand what you're going through, and it will get easier.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I think you are to be commended for how well you have handled the situation, I dont think it is an easy one at all, i was in a similar situation to you where my mum up and left to live with another guy and his family i was in the middle of my LC too, i had no dad or home to go to after she left and i fell on tough times with no where to live, i struggled for many years but i am now in a better place, i found i was left with mourning the loss of my family and life i had before and i did not heal over night.

My advice to you is to allow yourself to be how you are, and respect your emotions right now, if you dont want to see your mams new BF right now then dont, who knows if she will stay with him or where you will be in a years time but for now i think you are dealing with it the best way that you can and the best way for you which is important,

I would be careful on here to listen to others advice, someone suggested giving them the gift of forgiveness this christmas, thats bad advice in my opinion and one that is not respecting where you are at in dealing with this huge change in your life,

forgiveness is not about condoning someone's bad behaviour it is about getting to a place where you dont identify with the issue or person anymore and you- for- give / let it go, forgiveness is about you and not the other person, anyone giving this advice at this early stage is not clued into how the impact of a traumatic event can effect someone and has no compassion for what you are really experiencing right now.


The best place to get advice is from a trained pro/ psychotherapist IMO, and if you felt it was worth working through all this change in your life then i would really recommend it.

All the best OP.