I don't get it...

LegacyUser

We've been together 5 years, lived together for two. I love her so much, and the idea of not having her in my life makes me feel sick. We have a great relationship, so many others say so, too. But when we talk about it, there's something stopping me from proposing. We recently talked about our time frame for having kids, sorting out careers, travelling. It seemed things were going at a pace we were comfortable with. For various reasons, things have changed, become much quicker. Out of the blue, I went into panic mode. So many strange and scary thoughts. This is also making me anxious, sick, depressed. I don't feel I can talk about these things yet.

Things have got to make or break time, I can't imagine my life without her, but I feel I can't 'take the leap' the relationship needs. I imagine saying those words to her, thinking of the smile on her face, maybe how it'll strengthen everything, how great it would feel to get on with things as a 'real' couple, secure - it feels good. But it doesn't come easy to me. Instead, my mind turns to fear or something.

I don't know what's going on in my head. Am I just scared? Or should I really listen to these warning signals and be up front about it? Face the fact that maybe something isn't right, do the right thing and end it?

Taltos

I personally wouldn't take these as warning signals for your relationship. Instead they are a reflection of something internal to you in my mind.

In this day and age there should be no huge deal in not getting married. Less and less are actually having the ceremony and the expense. Some just go for a quick registry office siging, others just make a statement of committment.
However - some though feel they have to get married - could be internal to them - could be family pressure.

I think it will really help you if you sit her down and try to explain it.
Start out with - I really love you - and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I think it is really important to tell you than whenever I think of marriage I panic. I don't know what to do about how i feel - I just panic. I really want you to know I love you and I need your help and understanding...

Maybe you never will get married - and maybe someday it will just seem right for you to pop the question or just surprise her with a trip into a registry office - no big fuss - no big stress etc...

Sometimes it is all the stress and expectations that destroy what is really meant to be a day all about just you and her...

Hope this helps.

That_Guy

Firstly I don't believe that you should be having a time frame for when you should be married, have kids etc. I don't think that's the way it should work.

If you both love each other then do propose at a time that's right for you. There should be no pressure on you or a time frame as to when you should ask her. I'm sure it's nerve wracking enough to ask someone to make a commitment like that.

I think you're worrying too much about it OP. Just relax and do it whenever you feel comfortable.

If you say you're feeling depressed/anxious over it then I suggest you see your GP.

LegacyUser

Op, me and my OH could be the flip side of your life here, we are together 5 yrs, living together for 4, with what has been the most perfect relationship. Planning a life together is something we were both skittish about, but recently we have had the ‘talk’ you had with your OH.

Basically, we got together when I was 29, and now I’m 34. he knows he wanted to spend his life with me, loves me totally, and cant imagine not being with me.
But at 34 my clock is not so much ticking, as banging the Angelus!

I told him, taking him out of the equation for a minute, that I want to have kids someday. Then I did the maths for him, and he realised if I want a few kids, I need to start now.

Maybe this is why your GH and yourself are at the stage of your relationship – if she is in her thirties then it’s a possibility, also if her friends are all getting hitched. In my case, I have a not so subtle mammy and lots of aunts who didn’t realise how invasive they are being when the slag me off about the 5 yrs, and wedding bells etc

You need to identify your scary and strange thoughts. My future is scary. We are currently off contraception and ‘letting nature take its course’ – yes its what we want, but don’t think that when if we get that little blue line on a stick we wont be terrified? I’ll be fooking terrified!

You love her. You cant imagine being without her. You have a great relationship. You have got more than most. You don’t need a timetable for a relationship, you just need you both to be happy, and if you both are happy the way you are, no need to change it.
Good luck.

martdalto

Regardless of how long you are together or how in love you are, it's hige, huge decisions that are causing you to sort of freak out. That is completely, totally and utterly natural.

(Broody, even though you are allowing it happen, and sort of expecting it.. prepare to be shocked, nervous and terrified, whenever you do get the positive result!!)

They are all big decision OP, and it would be a bit worrying if you were going about it, and not being affected in anyway, shape or form. It would mean that you are not, really, taking things all that seriously!

As Taltos says, someday it may just feel "right" to do it, without the pressure of timing it to 6 months, a year, 5 years etc! Also the pressure of timing also means that it's not a spontaneous, and romantic gesture, it's planned and timed, because that's just what you'd agreed on.

Maybe go easy on yourself for a bit. Get back to enjoying your relationship and your life with your gf without the pressure of feeling you need to be doing/feeling something by a certain date. Once you get back to feeling relaxed and comfortable, and no pressure... who knows what you might start "naturally" feeling.

Good Luck!

EDIT: Just a question.. how would you feel if she took the initiative and proposed to you? Would you be relieved, that the pressure had been taken off you? Or would you freak out that she had asked, and you're still not ready?

I'm just wondering is it the getting married, or the proposing that is actually the worry for you!