Dealing with parents and Atheism

highlydebased

I've had my mind up for a long time, about deciding that after years of torment and dispair, that being a member of a church was doing nothing for me except provide frustration and so on, therefore I now consider myself atheist/agnostic. I'm in leaving cert in school (I'm 18 btw), therefore we still do religion but teachers are open, and a few of us have admitted to having little religous influence or followings.

I'm unsure if my parents either want to know or would be happy about it. My mother is religous and attends mass weekly, I have not gone with her since last May...she sometimes guilt trips me over it asking "when will you start going to Mass again its the least you can do" etc etc. She herself has overcome cancer and other serious illnesses so its only probably natural she herself thinks religon helped. My dad considers himself "pagan". If I were to say to them that I'm atheist/agnostic, I'm unsure if they would be particularly receptive, I'd imagine I'd be called ungrateful, stupid, or that the internet has brainwashed me or somesuch. Far from it really, experience has driven me towards this...

Any advice or comments?

Galvasean

When your father says 'pagan' does he mean he worships the old Gods/nature or does he use the word (incorrectly) as my parents do, in that pagan = does not believe in God?

I'd wait til Mr. Leaving cert is out of the way. Trust me, you don't need any extra hassle when the exam pressure heats up. When you do decide to let it out, say your agnostic, as the word 'atheist' often sets off alarm bells in older people.
You might want to start a chat with your Dad (gain depending on what he means by 'pagan') as he would most likly be more open to discussion on the matter than a weekly mass going God fearing mother.

Daftendirekt

Neon-Circles wrote: »

I've had my mind up for a long time, about deciding that after years of torment and dispair, that being a member of a church was doing nothing for me except provide frustration and so on, therefore I now consider myself atheist/agnostic. I'm in leaving cert in school (I'm 18 btw), therefore we still do religion but teachers are open, and a few of us have admitted to having little religous influence or followings.

I'm unsure if my parents either want to know or would be happy about it. My mother is religous and attends mass weekly, I have not gone with her since last May...she sometimes guilt trips me over it asking "when will you start going to Mass again its the least you can do" etc etc. She herself has overcome cancer and other serious illnesses so its only probably natural she herself thinks religon helped. My dad considers himself "pagan". If I were to say to them that I'm atheist/agnostic, I'm unsure if they would be particularly receptive, I'd imagine I'd be called ungrateful, stupid, or that the internet has brainwashed me or somesuch. Far from it really, experience has driven me towards this...

Any advice or comments?

If you want to tell them you don't believe in a god, you should do it. If they think you're stupid or brainwashed because of it, then that reflects much more on them than on you.

Chances are it won't be as catastrophic as you're expecting. You've probably heard all sorts of dramatic 'coming out' stories online or in books, but this isn't the Bible Belt. Besides, if your mother wasn't too closed minded to marry a pagan, then she's probably not a fundy (and vice versa). I'd guess at worst, your parents will be mildly disappointed.


Disclaimer: I may be completely wrong and won't take responsibility if you announce your disbelief and end up getting kicked out of the house, or worse: getting no Xmas presents! :pac:

Dades

Neon-Circles, if you do bring this up, distance your decision from blaming the RC church for this or you'll be accused of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.

Be clear that you actually just don't believe in a God - not by "choice" - just because after much thought it's where you currently stand on the matter.

I also agree in the early stages agnostic would be preferable to atheist!

Goduznt Xzst

A good approach is to lace your announcement with a compliment to your parents. Parents may care about what religion you will stay, but they care more about how their children think they did/are doing as parents.

Tell them that they taught you to be a reasonable thinker, and just like the way they told you to look both ways when crossing the street, with your faith you are currently looking both ways before making a decision.

If they mention that they wish only the best for you and security within the Church, then try and remember if your parents or grandparents changed their Religion. If so, reason that was it wrong for them to change from the Religion of their parents in turn? Should they have stayed in that different belief even though they no longer accepted it.

Give them the options:
1) Leave the Church, but it's because you taught me so well as my parents
2) Stay in the Church, but live a lie. If God does exist, he knows I'm leading a life a falsehood

Even if they still wish for you to go to Church, go with what you feel is best for yourself. Eventually the relief of knowing they where good parents will outweigh their wish for you to remain in their Religion.

ChocolateSauce

I'd say stay away from the word "atheist", as it can oft be grasping a nettle. I like doing it, but sometimes a subtle approach is called for. Just say "Not really religious". Agnostic is also possible, but make it clear you don't think it's a 50/50 deal.

--amadeus--

Why have the conversation at all?

This time next year you'll probably be out of the family home (in college or working) and your attendance or not at mass will be irrelevant. In my own case it just came out over time, you don't need to make a song and a dance or dramatic scene. It'll eventually come to a "Mass, wow, can't remember the last time I went, I look after my own conscience now" type thing.

rccaulfield

If your atheist be proud of it. You seem to have come to your views by just being frustrated and not looking at the evidence etc that contrafdicts the bible/creation in the extreme! Make your leaving cert a priority of course. Tell them your mam your views without trying to change hers is my advice- she has too much of her life tied up in the god etc.

Turtwig

I agree with many other posters about using the word "atheist" try "Pearlist" or "Agnostic" or "Pantheist". "Atheist" gives some people bad vibes. I'd also recommend leaving your revelation until after Chrimbo. Even though it's not just a Christian tradition, your mother may view it as being belonging to Christianity and Jesus so best off avoid the conflict and wait until next year.

Btw, I still haven't told my parents yet, nor do I plan doing so in the near future.

pauly-chops

ChocolateSauce wrote: »

I'd say stay away from the word "atheist", as it can oft be grasping a nettle. I like doing it, but sometimes a subtle approach is called for. Just say "Not really religious". Agnostic is also possible, but make it clear you don't think it's a 50/50 deal.

totally disagree with that statement. I alws tell people Im atheist and Im very proud of that fact. Agnostic is just too wishy-washy. Its for people who are too lazy or afraid to make up their minds about what they believe in.

Anyone with half a brain knows that not only is religious studies a waste of time but also the whole idea of god and heaven is just a joke. Yes do hold off the conversation with your parents if you think it's going to cost you extra hassle over the leaving cert year but fair play to you for making ur mind up at a very young age. Im 25 and i didnt fully decide I was atheist unitl I was 22.

Galvasean

Malty_T wrote: »

Btw, I still haven't told my parents yet, nor do I plan doing so in the near future.

If I may be so bold as to ask, how old are you?
You strike me as a man of considerable maturity.

Turtwig

Galvasean wrote: »

If I may be so bold as to ask, how old are you?
You strike me as a man of considerable maturity.

How rude!:p

20.
And um was that last bit a compliment?:o

Galvasean

Malty_T wrote: »

How rude!:p

20.
And um was that last bit a compliment?:o

Yes.
Your wise council belies your years.

Sangre

Turtwig

Galvasean wrote: »

Yes.
Your wise council belies your years.

Malty_T wrote: »

Galvasean wrote: »

It's official. Palaeontology IS the most popular science.
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/12/091202-top-ten-discoveries-2009-year-science-news.html

A palaeontology story is National Geographic's most viewed of the year. Palaeontology stories also tok 5th and 7th place.

I guess we now know why the general public regard science as being boring.:pac:

Still think my council is wise?:pac:

robindch

Galvasean wrote: »

You strike me as a man of considerable maturity.

Bet you say that to all the boys :pac:

GLaDOS

pauly-chops wrote: »

Agnostic is just too wishy-washy. Its for people who are too lazy or afraid to make up their minds about what they believe in.

"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means." - Clarence Darrow

I've considered my agnosticism at length, nothing lazy or scared about it.

Galvasean

Malty_T wrote: »

Still think my council is wise?:pac:

In the way of the great scientific method, I retract my stance based on this new evidence.

Stargazer7

Hey, I'm 21 and was raised Catholic but not rigidly. Went through a period in secondary school of being very mindful of Catholicism-basically I wanted to give it a proper test-drive before condemning it. I didn't want to be one of those people who say their Catholic but then ignores all teachings and rituals constantly. Hypocrisy, in that case at least, ain't for me.

I don't apologise for it and the links between church, state and education annoy the hell out of me. I totally agree we should respect each others views but equally-and that's the key point. You're an adult and you are free to say you are an atheist; it is simply your outlook and opinion on life. It is not an insult to anyone. You should not feel bad for standing your ground on this issue. My mother cringes a bit when I mock some of the actions of those in the church or criticise their involement...but that's her opinion. She may mock the clothes I'm wearing. It amounts to the same thing. Just choose what feels best for you. Personally I couldn't deal with the hypocrisy and prejudice. But that's just me.

liamw

Stargazer7 wrote: »

I totally agree we should respect each others views but equally-and that's the key point.

I used to think exactly like you when I was 21. I've since studied the subject more and I don't think the religious belief is deserving of respect.

Stargazer7

liamw wrote: »

I used to think exactly like you when I was 21. I've since studied the subject more and I don't think the religious belief is deserving of respect.

I have little or no respect for the church as an organisation...just picking the church as it's the one I'm most familiar with-unfortunately. I believe people in the church do good work and do good work in its name. However, these people would probably have done the same good work without the need for a religion to prop them up.

Nevyn

Neon-Circles if you were confirmed in the catholic church then you have had 'adult' status from then and when you mother starts on about mass, tell her that she is post confirmation no longer for the state of you soul and the matter is between you and god and you will go to mass when you feel the need to, it is your reponsiblity now not hers,
but thank her for her concern and for the years she did look out for you.

You don't need the hassle coming up to exams at the end of the year and those are the rules of the church she is a member of.