Messy girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi,

Guy here, currently in a long distance (120km) relationship, and have been for the past ten months. I love my gf to bits, she has everything going for her: she's really funny, gorgeous, talented, great job. However, there's one thing that really REALLY bothers me - she's unbelievably untidy!!

Because her job requires her to work one day most weekends, and sometimes rather long shifts, while I work 10-6.30 Mon-Fri, I do most of the travelling, which I don't mind, I'm well used to it now at this stage. However, I sometimes dread arriving down to her, seeing what condition the place is in. Her bedroom is a mess of clothes, shoes etc. etc. scattered all over the floor. Her kitchen is often littered with dishes, unwashed utensils etc, and the floor is always covered in debris.

I'm *not* a clean freak, and I know she is busy, but surely a few minutes every evening is enough to keep on top of it. I came down to her on Friday, and she had told me she was busy cleaning the place while I was en route. But when I actually got there it was worse than the last weekend I was there. She said she got distracted playing with the cat...

I've tried bringing it up with her on a couple of occasions but each time she just gets offended and accuses me of judging her and thinking she's a slob. I wouldn't go that far, but it does genuinely stress me out. Whenever she comes up to visit me, I always make sure the place is pristine. It's a sign of respect and acknowledgement of your caring about the person, and that they were the ones who had to do the travelling. When I come down to her and see the place like a bombsite, I just feel so taken for granted, like she doesn't even need to make any effort anymore..

It really makes me worry sometimes about our future as a couple, as I couldn't abide living with that mess, so I want to nip it in the bud now. Any suggestions as to how to address it?

Thanks

Gyalist

If someone were to prioritise playing with the cat over preparing for my arrival after a 120km drive, I would seriously question the future of the relationship. In fact, I'd leave it to her to make more of an effort to visit me.

Her being a nice person does not mean that you two can't be incompatible. You are clearly ignoring an early sign.

LegacyUser

sorry unreg here in case the OH reads, we've had that arguement in the past.

To be honest it seems like your arguement is not about cleanliness but how much you are willing to "work" for the relationship compared for her. Considering you've brought it up with her and she's only responded in a negative manner maybe you are being taken for granted a bit. Do you feel like this in other aspects of your relationship?

This is an extreme example but I've been with women who wanted to be treated like princesses all the time and expect the man to meet their every whim. Sadly, if they're good looking enough there will always be some chump with low self esteem who's willing to be that guy. It works for some couples but obviously not everyone and there are lots of less extreme examples. If this is the case for you then perhaps you need to think about whether this situation is the right fit for you. Otherwise one of you will have to change, either you be more accepting of this behaviour or she has make more of an effort.

magneticimpulse

This is only really a problem if you decide to move in together. In which case I think you can always get a cleaner to tidy up. Many people with working lives find it difficult to keep a place tidy. Last thing I would want to do after a weeks work is tidy...theres washing clothes, dishes, cooking, drying clothes, clean rooms, polish etc. If your coming for the weekend, then there is no way she is going to get time to do all this. At least she is not high maintenence and fussy about which order everything is placed in.

I think this is a compromise you should live with.

LegacyUser

There is a dual element to my problem. The first is that it makes me feel like I'm not worth the bother of cleaning up for, and secondly, the actual hygienic aspect of it. I travel down to her every friday evening, and give her the bulk of my free time, so I think she could at least reciprocate a tiny bit and keep a clean shop for the time we have together.

While I can see magneticimpluse's point, nobody is *that* busy that they dont have the time to clean around, say at the weekend. I believe there is simply no excuse for allowing a place to get to the point where it looks like there's a down and out living there. It's just unhealthy.

I live at home with my mam, and the two of us have full time jobs. Yet between us, we manage to keep the place in respectable shape; people are always complimenting us on how well kept the place looks. We're not clean freaks either, we just put in a couple of hours every weekend, and clean as we go, and it keeps things under control.

What bothers me more is that my GF doesn't even clean up when other people are staying over, let alone me. I'd hate to think her friends were staying over and then bitching about her behind her back - I know im giving out here, but the anonymity of all concerned is protected here.

krudler

magneticimpulse wrote: »

This is only really a problem if you decide to move in together. In which case I think you can always get a cleaner to tidy up. Many people with working lives find it difficult to keep a place tidy. Last thing I would want to do after a weeks work is tidy...theres washing clothes, dishes, cooking, drying clothes, clean rooms, polish etc. If your coming for the weekend, then there is no way she is going to get time to do all this. At least she is not high maintenence and fussy about which order everything is placed in.

I think this is a compromise you should live with.

Thats not difficult, its just being lazy, keeping a place tidy is a lot easier than letting it get wrecked and having to do a big clean every few weeks, its only takes a few minutes to do the dishes or hoover a room, I'm no neat freak either my place looks nice and lived in, but its clean and tidy as well

LegacyUser

Myself and the OH had an argument about this last night. Basically he kind of "unofficially" has been living with me. I'm always tidying up, doing his washing etc and he does SFA around the house. If i'm away for a couple of days which I often am they place is like a bombsite. I came home the other night at 10 o clock(had to be in work for 7 the next morning) and the place was a mess I literally said nothing to him I was so annoyed yet he seen me cleaning up and continued to watch TV. I was away Saturday and when I got home last night we had a bit of a tiff, he said he'd cleaned the kitchen (It was a mess) and then wait for it ......... FOR ALL THE THANKS I GET!!!!!!!! .. WTF????? Needless to say he slept in the spare room. I couldn't believe what I was hearing he never lifts a finger around the house, I clean every evening and then every couple of weeks put about 5 hours in on a Saturday afternoon,and i'm expected to be greatful for a messy kitchen that he reckons he cleaned. Even if it was shining it's both our responsibility. Sorry for thread crashing, just needed to vent.

RacoonQueen

Maybe she is just THAT tired. You could 'surprise' her by cleaning up for her some time, if it all gets done it'll be easier for her to keep on top of it. If it stays clean and tidy you know she cares, if it doesn't, well you know...

Terodil

RacoonQueen wrote: »

Maybe she is just THAT tired. You could 'surprise' her by cleaning up for her some time, if it all gets done it'll be easier for her to keep on top of it. If it stays clean and tidy you know she cares, if it doesn't, well you know...

Uh, no.

He could just as well put a stamp 'doormat' on his forehead.

ash23

I work full time, have friends and family to see, have a child and my house is still clean and fairly tidy. I have off weeks where I just can't be bothered but the mess gets to me in the end, after a day or two.
It's laziness on her part that she can't keep the place clean. It doesn't take that long. A few mins in the morning to load the dishwasher and throw on a wash, a few mins in the evening to sweep and tidy, an hour or two at the weekends to wash the floors and clean the bathrooms.
Now if I'm honest, I've clothes piled in a corner in my room. But they are clean and I will get around to putting them away lol.


I do know people who just don't see the dirt. I have two friends who are so messy. I hate sitting in one house because she has dogs and there's dog hair everywhere. I come out of hers feeling like I need a shower but I love her anyway. She's great craic and sometimes I wish I could be as relaxed as her.
My other friend is just disgusting though. I won't even drink tea in hers or use the bathroom. It's just gross.
I could never live with someone like friend number two. I've known her my whole life and she'll never change.
You need to decide if you can live with this.
You also need to stop seeing it as a personal slur. It's just her, it's who she is. I honestly do not know how my friend lives like she does. I really cant understand. She will go on about spending hours "cleaning" but the place is still a sh1thole lol. I honestly think she has a mental block when it comes to dirt.

Mackleton

Hey OP. I am certainly no neat freak either but definitely the type of mess you are talking about would drive me mad as well. That type of disorder makes it very hard to relax and enjoy your time with your girlfriend and I personally feel very distracted and anxious when I am trying to step over stuff on the floor, or sitting on a load of stuff when you sit on a seat.

You are not being unreasonable here, as Krudler said, it does not take a huge amount of time or effort to simply pick up after yourself (I assume she lives alone?). All it takes is a few minutes to straighten up a room or hang up some clothes, clearly she isn't bothered by appearances.

To be honest this could just be the thin end of the wedge, people who are comfortable living in disorder often tend to be quite lax in other areas such as personal grooming, filing paperwork, etc. Are you sure that if one day you move in together that this would be someone you could live with 24/7? Or would you just become the unpaid skivvy?

Requires some serious consideration if you are actually compatible imo...

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Thanks for your responses. I finally brought it up with my girlfriend on Friday, but it didn't go well. The place was messier than ever, and when I brought it up she just exploded at me, saying that I made her feel like s**t and that its her apartment and she can keep it any way she likes. She then ran off crying into another room, while I just sat there by myself for the next few hours. She then started cleaning up and eventually got the place into a respectable state.

I wouldnt mind but I ended up feeling awful after it - I didnt even get to tell her why it bothered me, she just launched straight into me. I'm not really sure how to proceed now....

LegacyUser

Her behaviour is very selfish. I am not so much referring to the mess, more her inability/refusal to discuss an issue in an adult way.

Exploding/using tears/melodramatically running off to another room, then playing the martyr when she finally did clean up. Its all very immature.

She says you made her feel sh1t by bringing up the fact that she greets you into a filthy hovel, but refuses to listen to how it makes you feel when she prefers to play with a cat rather than clean up the mangy filth around the place to make you feel welcome.

Double standards there.

She needs to grow up and learn how to discuss issues rationally and constructively and secondly learn how to manage her environment to some sort of reasonable level. Perhaps her parents did everything for her or perhaps the family home was as bad but she needs to learn basic hygeine and some sort of reasonable routine.

Gyalist

drivingmenuts wrote: »

Hi guys

Thanks for your responses. I finally brought it up with my girlfriend on Friday, but it didn't go well. The place was messier than ever, and when I brought it up she just exploded at me, saying that I made her feel like s**t and that its her apartment and she can keep it any way she likes. She then ran off crying into another room, while I just sat there by myself for the next few hours. She then started cleaning up and eventually got the place into a respectable state.

I wouldnt mind but I ended up feeling awful after it - I didnt even get to tell her why it bothered me, she just launched straight into me. I'm not really sure how to proceed now....

Classic female trap. Using tears to manipulate you. Don't back down on this issue and don't feel bad for raising it. If she can't react like an adult to the slightest bit of criticism, maybe she isn't the woman for you. I hope that you didn't go into the other room and try to console her.

I would have jumped back in my car and driven the 120km back home, but that's just me. It's her apartment and she can be as untidy as she likes in it but you don't have to sit in her filth.

You got the result that you wanted as she did clean up after all the drama.

You have a bigger problem though: she is taking you for granted because she knows that you aren't willing to walk and that you'd sit there and put up with her bull****. Let her make more of an effort to come to see you.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

I would have jumped back in my car and driven the 120km back home, but that's just me. It's her apartment and she can be as untidy as she likes in it but you don't have to sit in her filth.

Very true! But then I don't drive so it's public transport all the way I don't know , I hope she's gotten the message. She has been working long hours in work, which I can sympathise with, but as another poster says, everybody is busy. It just really, really put a downer on the whole weekend, we were fighting about other stuff too so all in all, wasnt a great weekend.

Taltos

OK - she has had the tears and have let you know you made her feel like sh1t.

Now that things have calmed down you need to try to talk to her about how you feel when you see this.
Besides the hygene aspect I know where you are coming from - how can you relax when the place looks like a tip.

Try to talk to her calmly about this - it will be one of the defining moments of your relationship.

1. Say nothing - it will continue to eat into you and you will split
2. Talk again - she explodes in tears - you give up and you will split
3. Talk again - she explodes - you stay calm but get your message across
> either she will see it your way and you can work on your relationship
> she insists on seeing it her way - and you will split


Talk to her - stay in control and focus on how you are feeling.
Do not make it about her - make it all about how you are feeling - ask her can she not see that it is really upsetting you...

krudler

drivingmenuts wrote: »

Very true! But then I don't drive so it's public transport all the way I don't know , I hope she's gotten the message. She has been working long hours in work, which I can sympathise with, but as another poster says, everybody is busy. It just really, really put a downer on the whole weekend, we were fighting about other stuff too so all in all, wasnt a great weekend.

Long hours in work is no excuse tbh, i've worked plenty of long weeks and done 10 day stretches with no day off and still keep my apartment clean, it only takes a few minutes to tidy up,the more you put in small effort to keep a plac clean the less effort it is in the long run as you dont have to clean a big mess, why cant people understand this simple concept?