Realizing gf's past is taking its toll

LegacyUser

Been with my girlfriend two years and three months now. Have to say I was quite happy all along but now I am having difficulty with her past as recently more and more of it has come to light.
We didnt know each other when we first met, she was from another county about 120 miles from where we live now. We have been living together for 18 months.

From spending time in her hometown and various other sources and admissions from herself she has admitted to losing her virginity on her 15th birthday (too young in my opinion), having had at least 20 sexual partners and basicially being a sl*t. She has also had an abortion- and didnt know who the father was. Which i also dissagree with. I am finding it had to come to terms with all these revelations. I know many people will say to do an sti test-which i did a couple of weeks ago and im fine, Plus I ALWAYS use a rubber.

Im no prude but some of the stuff she got up to with previous sexual partners is, lets say, not nice.

It is taking its toll on my professional life- I work in a highly stressful job with quite a lot asked of me but my mind is being taken up by all this. Im not sleeping well and my work is suffering as a result.

On the plus side i do love her. She is good looking, and a good girlfriend and we are very close. She has become best friends with my sister which is always nice. Im also pretty sure that she has never cheated on me.

But all this is tearing me apart- I dont know what to do? I presume i will be told that the past is in the past and to forget about it. I know this is what i should do but its proving difficult. She is calling over shorty so I might not be able to reply for a while.

Any advice or opinions welcome.

LegacyUser

I think its your ego thats at play here. You can manage to continue to sleep with her but at the same time, on some level, she repulses you... Thats in reality what you are saying here. You sound jealous. Everyone has a past, some less wholesome than others but at least she told you about it and was honest. If you cant hack this, then let her free to meet someone who will love her unconditionally and not look down of her for a past which she cannot change.

magneticimpulse

Yeah Ive learnt myself, not to mention much about relationships as even if I had good relationships. At the end of the day they ended for some reason or another. If someone mentions something negative, then this can be brought against them, as if they are a bad person.

How old is your girlfriend? 20 people is not a very high number, I know people that slept with 45. I mean if someone is single for 10 years from age 15 and they have sex twice a year. You would have a number which is 20!! People complain if they only have sex once a month. But for single people, expecting to go a whole year with no sex is asking a bit much. I dont think sleeping with 2 to 5 people a year is much?? That could be sex 5 times a year?

So basically it is just a number. The fact is, she was strong enough to walk away from relationships that didnt work for her. She also was honest in telling you all this. So if things are good, I would think about this. Focus on the positives

magneticimpulse

magneticimpulse wrote: »

How old is your girlfriend? 20 people is not a very high number, I know people that slept with 45. I mean if someone is single for 10 years from age 15 and they have sex twice a year. You would have a number which is 20!! People complain if they only have sex once a month. But for single people, expecting to go a whole year with no sex is asking a bit much. I dont think sleeping with 2 to 5 people a year is much?? That could be sex 5 times a year?

It's a personal opinion, though. I think 20 people is a lot, and I think sleeping with 5 different people in a year is most definitely promiscuous. He's within his rights to not like this, but IMO in that case he should move on. I don't think it's fair to make your partner feel crappy about something they can't change.

LegacyUser

I am going unreg for this.
I have been reading boards for some time now.
The general impression that I am getting is that most girls (certainly on here anyway) sleep around without much convincing (generalising).
Without going into a long winded rant about it I personally am quite happy to shag any girl I can but I will never marry someone who has been....lets say `liberal` with her wares.
I think the days of marriage are truly numbered....again not that I care.
OP you say you are `pretty sure` she has never cheated on you but i`m quite sure it will always be at the back of your mind considering her past.
Some replies to this more or less said` so what if she slept around and was `easy` ....I think no more needs to be said.
It`s just the way things are now.... it`s a difficult call for you.:(.
Before the `how dare you brigade` attack me....just read past posts on similar subjects first.

LegacyUser

i have never made her feel crappy about her past... i am aware of the fact that she may not be proub of it and i have never given her any stick about it. In fact she has no idea that it is even annoying me.

But yes I do agree that this is my issue to work through and I have the problem - not her. And yes I would be lying to say that my ego doesnt come into it (not in a major way though).

I suppose that I should focus on the positives in the relationship - and I find when u focus on the negatives they seem to like to multiply. I suppose I should man up.

She is 22 by the way. I am 25.

LegacyUser

why is it not a problem when men sleep around??!! If a man was to have that number it'd be seen as normal, even worthy of a few slaps on the back and encouragement!!!!

helimachoptor

Honestly dude, the best way is just not to think about it, it'll keep eating away at you and you will ruin your relationship.

Everyone has a past, just look to the future.

magneticimpulse

My 1st response was quite open. I have not slept around, and would even say my number is high... at 11 after 10 years of mainly being single and sexually active. The reason my response was open minded was because the number of partners came up with my ex.He had initially said he slept with 40 people, then when I made a big fuss about it and cried he got back to me the next day to say he had actually never counted up the notches and said his number was only 19. Similar age to me, but had been in long term relationships for over 9 years. That gives him about 2 or 3 years to sleep with 16 other people. Which didnt make sense! Anyway,I made a big song and dance about this "number". It was the beginning of the cracks for our relationship. I re-evaluate that situation now. Ok its nice to know that they have not slept around alot, but at same time, you dont really want to marry a person like that. Its very unlikely that you will meet a virgin and you run a risk asking your partner how many people they slept with. Chances are, the number is going to be either higher or lower than yours, its going to hurt either way. If yours is higher, your the slut, if hers is higher she is the slut. Its a no win situation.

Someone mentioned its perfectly fine for guys to sleep around. So why if I find a problem, im told that im making a big issue? Theres the typical saying...Men are like a master key that opens many locks, but a lock that is opened by many keys is useless.

Basically what I learnt, is...is this person really important to you? Would you be willing to throw away a relationship based on this? Then I would think, how insecureyour ego is to you, versus how open minded you are?

At 22, yeah 20 is high. To loose virginity at 15 is young too. But if a person is nice and genuine, I think that is more important.

MizzLolly

boysdoit!! wrote: »

why is it not a problem when men sleep around??!! If a man was to have that number it'd be seen as normal, even worthy of a few slaps on the back and encouragement!!!!

Ah give over! You know perfectly well that's not the OP's issue. Gender does not come into it.


I'm a female and if my boyfriend had 20+ partners in his past I would not be happy about it either.

MizzLolly

MizzLolly wrote: »

Ah give over! You know perfectly well that's not the OP's issue. Gender does not come into it.


I'm a female and if my boyfriend had 20+ partners in his past I would not be happy about it either.

Yep, same here. I might get over it but it wouldn't impress me at all.

Auldloon

Numbers were an issue for me also when in my early 20's. 15 or so years later they don't matter at all.

G-Money

I can understand your dislike for this. I personally wouldn't be keen on a girl who'd had that many partners. I think it has also sowed the seed of doubt in your mind as to whether you can trust her or whether she will be faithful to you.

None of us know her so she might regret her previous behaviour, she might not. But you either need to get past this or end it with her and move on. Also, something to consider is if you end it and you meet another girl, will her history become an issue also? I mean is there a certain number of partners a girl can have where you won't be bothered by it?

I know myself, I wouldn't be keen on a girl who'd had a lot more partners than me. However a part of that is just because I've had barely any.

Also, I just wanted to respond to the post about if a guy had that many partners, he'd be getting slaps on the back and why is it ok for men to do it. Let's be honest here. If a girl sleeps around a lot, fella's will label her as easy or a slut. If a guy sleeps around a lot, girls will say "he's a player and will shag anything." So basically it's even. Both genders will label the other if they sleep around.

Gyalist

So your girlfriend has been honest with you about her past and you come on boards and call her a slut? By your way of thinking it seems that a "slut" is any woman who has had more sexual experience than you.

All that should matter to you is that she has looked after her sexual health, been discreet in her past relationships, is faithful to you now and treats you well. I fail to understand what would drive you to go to her "hometown and various other sources" to investigate her sexual past, especially when it is clear that you can't handle the truth.

You say that you have "never given her any stick about it". I'd be fairly certain though that she has picked up on your disapproval and that you are being judgmental about her past. It is likely that she'd be fairly hesitant about telling you the complete truth in the future.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what anyone here says her number should be for someone of her age as it's her past and there is nothing that can be done to change it. As for those claiming low numbers: that doesn't in any way make you morally superior or a better person to someone who has had more partners. In fact, I fail to see how it is in any way useful to the OP.

Wagon

Gyalist wrote: »

As for those claiming low numbers: that doesn't in any way make you morally superior or a better person to someone who has had more partners. In fact, I fail to see how it is in any way useful to the OP.

They aren't. They were meraly expressing an opinion that it was too much in their opinion which they have a right to, regardless of whether you like it or not. They didn't say they thought they were morally superior.

Gyalist

Wagon wrote: »

They aren't. They were meraly expressing an opinion that it was too much in their opinion which they have a right to, regardless of whether you like it or not. They didn't say they thought they were morally superior.

So who or what determines what is too many for a particular age? Whether or not I like the opinion is immaterial since I'm not the one posting here looking for help. How does someone saying that her number is too high help the OP?

magneticimpulse

the OP himself thinks the number is high. We were just having our opinions. nobody said they were morally better than anyone else. its up to the individual to decide how many people they sleep with. its up to me how many people i sleep with and its up to the OP's girlfriend to do what she wants. at the end of the day, its everyones own personal choice. you either like it, can live with that or if it bothers OP so much, then move on

Jumpy

No such thing as too many to be honest. Count yourself lucky that she is with you in the end. You are better than 20 other guys. Well done man. *high five*

By all means dump her over this meaningless past of hers. You wont regret it at all.

I cant make you understand, but 10 years from now this will not matter at all. Regardless of what you think now.

tbh

you realise this is 100% your problem, right? your girlfriend can do nothing to alter her past. It also seems as tho she's ok with it. So it's down to you - you either have to deal with it or forget about it. the only thing you have to bear in mind is the fact that she hasn't cheated on you.
If you want to 'punish' her for the stuff she did when she was 15, that's your call. I'd suggest checking your ego at the door and enjoying what you have.

krudler

Been in the same situation myself years back, found out my gf had slept with 22 other guys before me (she was 19 when we were going out, lost her virginity at 18, call it what you want, thats sleeping around in a big way) i was a lot younger and less experienced than i am now with relationships and let it get to me, although then it turned out she cheated on me, so i guess the bigger worry is that someone who has a promiscuous past may be more inclined to cheat if they have issues with being in a long term relationship and just want to sleep around, if its something that you think will bother you even more as the relationship goes on then end it now

Wagon

Gyalist wrote: »

So who or what determines what is too many for a particular age? Whether or not I like the opinion is immaterial since I'm not the one posting here looking for help. How does someone saying that her number is too high help the OP?

The chap thinks it's too high a number himself. That's why he's having the problem.

At the OP: I'd advise breaking up up with your girlfriend if you can't get past it. There's no right or wrong answer in this. If you think it's too high, fair enough. That's your opinion and you aren't a bad person for thinking it. She can't change her past but your future is still your decision. If you decide that you don't want her in it, it's your right.

But i will say this. I'd have more of a problem of the circumstances surrounding the situations. If she has a past of cheating on people, sleeping with people she knew were in relationships or married and generaly had little respect for other's, those are a lot more telling of the person she was/is. If it was one night stands that were done with some subtley and maturity and nobody got hurt then id suggest to do your best to move past it. It's worth a try at least

CDfm

OP - I always wonder why couples speak about this when the answers upset them.The number does seem high.

Sometimes the answers people give are a bit exagerated if they are trying to appear cooler/more worldly wise than they are.

It might be that she had other problems - the number wouldnt bother me but the ability to commit to a long term relationship would. So my feeling would be to take everything slowly.

Sinall

The "right" number of sexual partners differs from person to person. As does their sexual practices. The number/activities that one person is happy or comfortable with might freak another person out. As long as your girlfriend is fine with her number then I would make a concerted effort to get over it OP.

My advice is to try to leave the past where it belongs, in the past. Really and truly, I don't think that it should matter now. She is with you now and the present is what matters. If this is something that you can't get over, or if you continue to resent her so much for having a "high" number, then you should break up with her. In the long run it's not fair on either of you and you will both be unhappy. Just think though - would you like to be judged on things that you did before she even met you? People change as well - what people did/thought 5-10 years ago may not be the same as what they would do/think now.

If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to let her go. Continuing on like this and secretly resenting her is not healthy for you. If you have a good relationship in every other way then this should be viewed as a relatively minor problem. There are a lot more important things IMO.

pow wow

Are you appalled by the abortion because you're anti-abortion or because she didn't know who the father was?

As everyone has said, she can't change her past. If it's something you can't get past then cut her loose.

I can see where you're coming from and for that reason I don't divulge to boyfriends the intricacies of my sex life when I was younger - what I did then isn't what I'd do now. It's not necessarily about morality, what's acceptable for some people isn't acceptable for others. That doesn't automatically make one person's behaviour better or worse than the other, but it does potentially make them incompatible!

You've thought all this over a hundred times, only you know whether you can overlook it or not.

LegacyUser

Op, I have only slept with 10 people in my 38 years but have cheated on all my ex's including my ex fiancé. I am now with someone for 2 years and have not looked crooked at anyone else. What I am saying is that people change but I also think she was better having her flings and sleeping round than cheating on people who cared for her

ash23

My number would be fairly high but I don't consider myself a slut. I hate that word anyway.

The long and the short of it is I have no issue with casual sex/relationships. I also don't get into relationships unless I'm in it for the long haul. I don't cheat and I don't lie.
Your girlfriend was honest with you. She could have lied and said she'd only slept with one person and waited until she was in a relationship. She could have said nothing about the abortion.

To me honesty is far more important than numbers.


If this is such an issue for you then call it off and go your separate ways. You can't accept her for who she is and she can't change her past. You've developed an opinion of her now, one that conflicts with the girl you know and care about.
Decide if thats a deal breaker or not. Then make a decision from there.

Sanjuro

OP, I had a similar issue as you do with an ex of mine. She had a far more experienced past than I had had, and when she was honest with me about it, I climbed my ivory tower and became a real prick about it. The truth is, the issue I had was down to my own feelings of inadequecy. And those feelings themselves were misguided.

A person cant change their past. And neither should they be made feel guilty for it. What she did, she did. But she's with you now, and unless she's cheating on you, or making you feel inadequate, you really don't have the right to feel so angry about her past. Trust me on this, if this continues to be an issue for you, it'll hurt the relationship. Let it go. It took me a while to let the issues I had with my girl go, but once I did, we had a fantastic time. If you love her, don't judge her for her past. It'll make you miserable and kill whatever affection you have for her.

IndigoStarr

This is completely your issue.
You are in no position to judge her or call her a sl*t for the choices she made. She was completely entitled to sleep with who she wants. Unless she was not careful and passed something on to you, it's really none of your concern.
I think that there's something underlying here. You're picking at the little issues in a hope that it'll unravel in my opinion.
If I were you, I'd realise that the past is the past for a reason. I'm assuming she has been good and not cheated on you. Whatever she did before you were together is none of your concern.
If you're judging your partner, what's the point of being with them? Relationships are supposed to be about mutual respect.

LegacyUser

OP, take my experience my current OH - I love to pieces, but he has had more sexual partners than he can count, he lived in Dundalk for sometime going to college and livin with a group of lads every week there was another girl. He was with his ex for four years and cheated on her a few times towards the end. I've been in two very serious relationships so I am not the most naive to relationships but his past doesnt bother me one bit! I know he loves me and he didnt love those girls, I know he was young and a lad living away from home so why not! I know he cheated on his girlfriend cause he didnt love her anymore and as much as I hate it and told him I hated that he did it there was too much in a routine and a lot of issues and therefore he took awhile to break up with her. But thats his PAST.

When we got together if something came up about past relationships he made it clear her didnt want to know sexual details unless he asked something specific where as I have no problem asking him and hearing all the answers! And that works for us and also we know each others number (well we know mine and we know his round and abouts!)

I think I am going to go a bit different from the some of the above and say I think your in the wrong here, not necessarily your fault, its a common reaction but you could be ridding yourself of a good thing. The reason I think this is not due to the number; not due to her young age but due to the fact you said in your opening post that your girlfriend is not proud of it. I think its very harsh for you to take this out on her when she is not proud of it already. If she was going around boasting to every person on the street I'd worry but other than that not! Your past is your past and if the shoe was on the other foot I dont think you would be impressed with her concentrating so much on your past. As I said her past is her past and if you want to be her future you'll have to let go of it as much as she wants to!

BraziliaNZ

so how do you guys keep track of the people you've slept with? Do you keep notes or something? It's not like I've had some astronomical number of partners but I would really have to sit down and think about it if I wanted to count them all. It's like naming the 50 states or something. You always forget Wyoming or Arkansas.
Either way, who cares, it's easier for women to get laid, and any liberal lady these days will have had a fair number or partners, especially when they're around my age (29), c'est la vie.

ash23

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

so how do you guys keep track of the people you've slept with? Do you keep notes or something? It's not like I've had some astronomical number of partners but I would really have to sit down and think about it if I wanted to count them all. It's like naming the 50 states or something. You always forget Wyoming or Arkansas.

From years ago (before I got into an LTR) I used to keep a diary. So it's all in there somewhere. POst LTR I can remember who I was with. I have a ball park figure. I'd have to really sit and think to get an actual number.

Eve_Dublin

justdontknow wrote: »

From spending time in her hometown and various other sources and admissions from herself she has admitted to losing her virginity on her 15th birthday (too young in my opinion), having had at least 20 sexual partners and basicially being a sl*t. She has also had an abortion- and didnt know who the father was. Which i also dissagree with. I am finding it had to come to terms with all these revelations. I know many people will say to do an sti test-which i did a couple of weeks ago and im fine, Plus I ALWAYS use a rubber.

Im no prude but some of the stuff she got up to with previous sexual partners is, lets say, not nice.

What do you define as a prude OP? I would call you and your views highly prudish and conservative by my standards anyway (but you would probably consider me to be a whore). It sounds like you and your girlfriend are mismatched sexually and if underneath it all, you essentially think your girlfriend is a slut, then please leave her. I'm sorry, even if you consider her to be good-looking, a good girlfriend and you have become very close but still think she's basically a slut, then you will never truly respect this girl.

And your lack of understanding and empathy over what must have been a traumatic experience for her (the pregnancy and abortion without the support of the man who got her pregnant) must have been awful for her. If I was her and I knew what you were really thinking, I'd run a mile. She should have told you nothing but honestly, after reading your post, I pity that girl.

If this situation is bothering you as much as you say, then you're never going to come to terms with it. In fact, I'd say the feelings of disgust will grow and things will get very ugly. Nip it in the bud now to save both of you heart ache down the line.

Barracudaincork

OP, you should never ask a question you cant handle the answer too. Your gf had a life before she met you, as did you and if you are no prude as you said yourself, why would you expect her to have been?

Everyone is entitled to have led the sexual life they have led (as long as you are safe re sti etc etc) and they wanted to live without fear of it being thrown in their face in years to come by a future partner. That life has made her would she is today, the person you are in love with.

You have two choices, you can either overthink this till it rips you guys apart, which will make you more miserable or you can just deal with it and think ok its in the past. What matters now is that you are the person she is sleeping with and you are the person she wants to be with.

Wagon

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

And your lack of understanding and empathy over what must have been a traumatic experience for her (the pregnancy and abortion without the support of the man who got her pregnant) must have been awful for her. If I was her and I knew what you were really thinking, I'd run a mile. She should have told you nothing but honestly, after reading your post, I pity that girl.

Cop yourself on :mad: Why bother posting this self rightous bullshít? That is pretty insulting to a bloke who actually posted for some advice on how to get past this and you come on here saying you feel sorry for his girlfriend?

ash23

Wagon wrote: »

Cop yourself on :mad: Why bother posting this self rightous bullshít? That is pretty insulting to a bloke who actually posted for some advice on how to get past this and you come on here saying you feel sorry for his girlfriend?

In fairness, his girlfriend bared her soul to him. An abortion isn't an easy thing to go through. I've some skeletons in my closet and if I trusted and loved someone enough to tell them about it and they basically judged me on it and it changed their feelings towards me, I would be very upset.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

In fairness, his girlfriend bared her soul to him. An abortion isn't an easy thing to go through. I've some skeletons in my closet and if I trusted and loved someone enough to tell them about it and they basically judged me on it and it changed their feelings towards me, I would be very upset.

On one hand I agree with you but on the other I'm thinking, that's life. I am very careful with my decisions because I know they will impact on my future. I have made mistakes, of course, but I rarely do anything without considering how it could affect me in 10 years time. I don't get this idea of making your past invisible as if it had nothing to do with who you are now. We all judge, even those of us with the best intentions. I don't know any bloke on the planet who wouldn't feel slightly put off by hearing that his girlfriend had had an abortion and didn't know who the father was. I think that is a natural reaction. OP knows himself that feeling disgusted is his own problem, and that he shouldn't make her feel bad, but I don't think he's a bad person for feeling that way.

Eve_Dublin

Wagon wrote: »

Cop yourself on :mad: Why bother posting this self rightous bullshít? That is pretty insulting to a bloke who actually posted for some advice on how to get past this and you come on here saying you feel sorry for his girlfriend?

If you've got a problem with my post, report it! How is sympathising with a girl who had an ABORTION (do you know anything about what's involved in an abortion?? Do a bit of research and get back to me...) self-righteous?????? He "disagreed" with his her decision based on what grounds???????? Because she didn't know who the father was????? How DARE he judge her like that???

Listen Wagon, you're a regular poster here and you've had a go at plenty of posters in here looking for advice. This guy believes his girlfriend has acted like a slut and one of the reason he gave was that she had a abortion and was unsure of who the father was. That sounds like an horrific experience! The disgust I feel for that outlook is not self-righteous. It's genuine disgust at his lack of sympathy for the woman he supposedly loves.

Edit: The only person who's being self-righeous here is the OP. He's made no mistakes in the past??? He's mister perfect?? He's in a position to judge someone else based on their past because he's made no mistakes in his own?? I can't see what this girl did that was so wrong?? What did she personally do to the OP that he deserves sympathy now??? Advice? Get over it or if you can't, leave her.

Eve_Dublin

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Listen Wagon, you're a regular poster here and you've had a go at plenty of posters in here looking for advice. This guy believes his girlfriend has acted like a slut and one of the reason he gave was that she had a abortion and was unsure of who the father was. That sounds like an horrific experience! The disgust I feel for that outlook is not self-righteous. It's genuine disgust at his lack of sympathy for the woman he supposedly loves.

It's a situation she got herself into. It's not like she had an accident or got an illness. I mean, sure, it must have been awful, but people have to take responsibility for their actions and actions say a lot about a person. Going on OP's post, it sounds like the girlfriend has been very reckless in the past. People here are talking about safe sex and being responsible - well she obviously WASN'T practising safe sex and being responsible if she ended up pregnant and didn't know who the father was. It sounds very self destructive to me, and I'd be worried about what might be behind that behaviour, and if whatever was causing it had been sorted out.

ash23

[quote=[Deleted User];63491271]On one hand I agree with you but on the other I'm thinking, that's life. I am very careful with my decisions because I know they will impact on my future. I have made mistakes, of course, but I rarely do anything without considering how it could affect me in 10 years time. I don't get this idea of making your past invisible as if it had nothing to do with who you are now. We all judge, even those of us with the best intentions. I don't know any bloke on the planet who wouldn't feel slightly put off by hearing that his girlfriend had had an abortion and didn't know who the father was. I think that is a natural reaction. OP knows himself that feeling disgusted is his own problem, and that he shouldn't make her feel bad, but I don't think he's a bad person for feeling that way.[/QUOTE]



It's not as easy as that when you're in a place where you just don't care what happens to you.
For a girl to lose her virginity at such a young age and have an abortion at such a youg age, would seem to me that she is looking for something in the wrong place. Be that love or a male rolemodel, she was clearly in a vunerable place.
I don't (and can't) make my past invisible (she's 7 now lol). There is also a difference between being slightly put off and basically having no respect for her anymore.
Some people don't realise how their decisions will impact them until they do something that has an impact iykwim?
This girl is very young. She seems to have settled down a bit and will probably do so even more in the future.

I also don't think the OP is a bad person for feeling that way. Judgemental? Yes. Bad? No.

However I suggest if he can't get over this he go and find a girl who will be the type of girl he wants. I amn't suggesting this girl ignore her past, after all it made her who she is, but I just don't place huge relevance on what went before. It can't be changed so it's futile to stress over it.

Wagon

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

?
Listen Wagon, you're a regular poster here and you've had a go at plenty of posters in here looking for advice. This guy believes his girlfriend has acted like a slut and one of the reason he gave was that she had a abortion and was unsure of who the father was. That sounds like an horrific experience! The disgust I feel for that outlook is not self-righteous. It's genuine disgust at his lack of sympathy for the woman he supposedly loves.

It isn't his fault! She got herself into these situations! I don't want to get banned so got any more problems with, feel free to send me a PM.

Eve_Dublin

[quote=[Deleted User];63491428]It's a situation she got herself into. It's not like she had an accident or got an illness. I mean, sure, it must have been awful, but people have to take responsibility for their actions and actions say a lot about a person. Going on OP's post, it sounds like the girlfriend has been very reckless in the past. People here are talking about safe sex and being responsible - well she obviously WASN'T practising safe sex and being responsible if she ended up pregnant and didn't know who the father was. It sounds very self destructive to me, and I'd be worried about what might be behind that behaviour, and if whatever was causing it had been sorted out.[/QUOTE]

But what's done is done. Getting an abortion is not like getting a tooth pulled out. The girl is young and yeah, PROBABLY (although we don't actually know for sure) acted recklessly...or she might have practised safe sex with every man she slept with or a condom broke or she forgot to take the pill or God knows what. You're basing your judgement on the perspective of the OP whose judgement is obviously biased to begin with. I've done some really stupid stuff in the past that I've learned from and will never do again. She's does nothing wrong to the OP. She is a good girlfriend (so I'm presuming she's a good person) and gets on with his sister. Surely that's all he should be going on?

She was stupid to have said anything though. Why do people ask these questions!! Nothing good could come of it.

Eve_Dublin

Wagon wrote: »

It isn't his fault! She got herself into these situations! I don't want to get banned so got any more problems with, feel free to send me a PM.

Who said it was his fault?? Do you think it's right to go out with a person you consider to be a slut?? That's not right. Nothing good could come of that.

CDfm

Eve -some people have problems with sleeping around and abortion as part of their beliefs.

While I am sympathetic to the girl -I am also sympathetic to the guy qwho is saying does he want her as his partner. Ultimately -its an I love her but should I take it further as it could lead to marriage.

What would you say if your brother came to you with this problem -you wouldnt see it as a gender issue?

Eve_Dublin

Just to add, I don't think the OP is a bad person. Course not. I have some stern views on certain things and can be as judgmental as the next person (clearly!). I was harsh in my first post and I apologise but I do think there's something wrong with going out with a person you are unsure of trusting or consider to have been slutty in the past. I would not want to be considered slutty by the man I love. If the man I was with considered me to be slutty, then we're mismatched sexually and I don't want to base my relationship on that.

ash23

Wagon wrote: »

It isn't his fault! She got herself into these situations! I don't want to get banned so got any more problems with, feel free to send me a PM.

OK, well, has the OP ever had a one night stand with someone he has never seen again?

Because if he has, then it's possible he got some random girl pregnant and never knew because she never knew where to find him.
Has he never gotten drunk or done anything stupid in his life?

I know I've tried drugs, had encounters with people, I've drank on the street, I've gone paddling in the sea when drunk. Jeeze I've done LOADS of stupid things as a kid that could have gotten me arrested or up in court. Could have gotten me killed.
Most people have in fairness but because nothing happened to them, they dismiss it.
I could look down on someone with a conviction. But I could have gotten one. The time I was sent flying down the street in a shopping trolley springs to mind. Or the time we decided to see what happens in an automatic toilet. Or the time we snuck onto a ship in the docks.
All stupid and harmless really. But I could've ended up being prosecuted for stupid stunts like that.
And I'm sure that nearly everyone can think of something they've done that could have gone very badly. But those who escape unscathed tend to forget that they've put themselves in those positions.

Some people just are unlucky and get caught.

Eve_Dublin

CDfm wrote: »

Eve -some people have problems with sleeping around and abortion as part of their beliefs.

While I am sympathetic to the girl -I am also sympathetic to the guy qwho is saying does he want her as his partner. Ultimately -its an I love her but should I take it further as it could lead to marriage.

What would you say if your brother came to you with this problem -you wouldnt see it as a gender issue?

I know that CDFM and that's fine. My views differ greatly. If someone has such strong views on these subjects, can they REALLy make it work with someone who has such differing beliefs?? Sex is a massive part of a sexual relationship....I think if their views are so disparate on this issue, they're doomed.

opinion guy

Basically OP this is your issue. What I can see thou is that she is being honest with you and that's no small thing. If she is honest and faithful that counts for a hell of alot more than past partners and experiences IMHO

ash23

I also meant to say that one thing that really bothered me in the OP was the line

Im no prude but some of the stuff she got up to with previous sexual partners is, lets say, not nice

There is a certain vibe of repulsion about that. I think the OP and his GF are polar opposites in terms of ideals and even in terms of sex and what is a turn on and what isn't.
That level of sexual incompatability is never going to work. This girl is into stuff that the OP is pretty much repulsed by. In turn she may find him very dull sexually.

Imo, it's doomed.

Barracudaincork

ash23 wrote: »

This girl is into stuff that the OP is pretty much repulsed by. In turn she may find him very dull sexually

+1

It would not surprise me if she is talking to her friends about dealing with her boyfriends lack of sexual experience and his attitude towards sex.

OP, you would be happier and ultimately your gf would be happier if you were with people with a similiar sexual history, you may love her, but you dont respect her the way you should someone you love. Sometimes people are just do different to make it work, doesnt mean either person is "bad" they are just different.

cruizer101

OP I kinda understand where you are coming from, if I was in a relationship and found a girl had slept with that many people, I think I might find it a bit disconcerting, at first at anyrate.

That said my reaction would be more to do with my own sexual experience, or lack of. I would find it a bit strange to each have such different experiences.
All this said though I would hope I could overcome it, because in my heart I know there is nothing wrong with it, it just wouldn't be what I expected or my preference.

If you are going out over two years presumably everything else is good, in which case why throw away what you have over something which isn't really that big an issue.

Have you tried talking to her about it all, maybe talking about it will help you to overcome your problems with it.

LegacyUser

OP it's a tough situation for the both of you from what I can see. You've got the issue with her past and she has a boyfriend who's unhappy with something she's done and she can't change it.

I have to be honest here. No matter what way you look at it, I think it's very reckless and careless when a girl finds herself in a situation where she's pregnant and doesn't know who the father is. There might not be anything technically "wrong" with her having different partners in such a short space of time. But there's a certain feeling that she should have exercised more control and not hopped into bed with someone else so soon. Like I say, assuming she was single, there's nothing really wrong with that. But when you end up in that situation, to a certain extent you reap what you sow. I'm not going to say that having an abortion is easy as number 1, I don't know anything about them, number 2, I'm not a woman, and number 3, I've never been in the situation where I've got a girl pregnant and had to go through a decision whether to proceed or not. I'm sure it's a horrific thing to have to go through.

I have to admit as well that personally, I think I'd have an issue settling down with a girl who had a lot more partners than me. I'm willing to admit that this is mostly because of my own feelings of inadequacy. My sexual experience with women is bordering on non-existent and it's a huge issue for me. I feel like it almost defines my life and dictates whether I'm happy with myself or not. I know shagging some women isn't the cure for everything, and I shouldn't base my happiness on that factor. However it's become such a big issue in my head.

Setting aside the feelings of inadequacy for a second. I also have the issue of feeling like I couldn't settle down until I'd "sown my wild oats". Everyone seems to have done that and I haven't and I'd be worried that even if I had the hottest, most perfect girl imaginable as my gf or wife, there would be this nagging thought in the back of my head that I haven't "experienced" enough different partners. And I'd be worried that the doubt in my head would just grow as time went on.

I also have this stupid thought in my head that deep down, if my gf had a lot more partners than me, there would be an almost hidden smugness or gloating that she'd had so many partners and experiences. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't actually be the case, but it's just one of these things in my head.

I've never had a one night stand and my sexual experience relates to 1 or 2 drunk incidents about 8 years ago with hookers. Neither time did I "hit the point of satisfaction" and I regretted both incidents. Since then, nothing.

I'm saying these things as I'm wondering if some of them are reflective of your own situation? I have a thing whereby if I was going to just have a one night stand or fling with a girl, as long as she had no STI's, I wouldn't care if she had a load of partners as to be blunt, she'd just be helping me sow my wild oats. And before anyone jumps down my throat, if it's a one night stand or fling, she's most likely just using me also for her own reasons, whatever they may be. I'm talking about a situation where both people are honest about what they want and it's not a case where I'm leading her on making her think I want a relationship.

When it comes to a relationship though, I'd want to be on more of an "equal footing" when it came to the number of partners. But like I said, this stems mostly from my feelings of inadequacy.

The fact of the matter is that in this day and age, it's very easy for women to have sex with different partners. Some girls will deny that, but I don't believe it. Regardless of whether it's because of drink or whatever, if a girl makes a move on a few guys per night and wants to bring one of them home, chances are she will get to bring one of them home. On the other hand, a guy could chat to every girl in a bar in the most perfect, charming, devilish way and not even get so much as a kiss on the cheek and go home alone. That's reality.

People make mistakes and no-one can change their past. I'm guessing she didn't go through the abortion for the fun of it and if I had to guess, the fact that she didn't know who the father was probably acted as a bit of a wake up call for her. I'd say she probably starting sleeping with less guys after that happened.

Having said all that. You definitely need to either get past this issue, or leave her. However if you decide to leave her, you need to look at how you'll handle your next relationship if your girlfriend has something unsavoury in her sexual past.

I know I'm trying to past my own issues regarding inadequacy but it's tough. I feel like I need to have at least a few one night stands to see if I enjoy them. If not, then I could probably relax and know that I've tried it and it just wasn't for me. Same like I have with smoking and marijuana etc.

I hope things work out OP for the best for both of you. Even if that means you go your seperate ways.