Jealous Best Friend

LegacyUser

Basically i'm jealous of my best friend. We're two gay guys and have been best friends for the past 6 years.

I used to be in love with him and begged for years to elevate our friendship to more but he was never that interested and i can say honestly i moved on, after a long time.

Last year he was in a 9 month relationship with another guy, i would get so angry some times and have massive fights. I just couldn't stand to see them together it broke my heart. I got really depressed over it and tried to take my own life about 4 months into the relationship. It was a terrible idea obviously. I had a lot of help and counseling last year but didn't find any of it helpful, i sorted myself out in the end.

Everything was fine for the past 6 months, he subsequently broke up with his boyfriend and life went on. He met someone recently and the whole anger has returned. It's not really as simple as saying im jealous of someone else being with him, its that i'm jealous that he's in a relationship and im not.

When i'm calm and am thinking rationally i can accept that its a good thing that he's finding happiness and am genuinely happy for him, but (and this is the crucial part) i find myself having what i describe as attacks of overwhelming emotion. During these flashes I hate them both and lash out saying horrible things and acting really maliciously, its so uncharacteristic its as if i'm possessed.

Can anyone help.

MissFlitworth

This might not be what you want to hear OP but I think you need to put some distance between yourself and your best friend. Even if you aren't in love with him anymore it doesn't sound like you can cope with being around him and watching him be in a relationship with someone else. He won't stay single forever just to help you out and he shouldn't have to worry about his best friend being so jealous and unwell when he's in a relationship that he might hurt himself or be unable to control his emotions.

It sounds to me like you need to forcibly put some space between the 2 of you and go out and work on your own relationships and other friendships until such a time as you can be ok when he's in love with someone else. You'll never fully get over him while you're watching him share something with other people he didn't want to share with you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply MissFlitworth.

I think what you said about distance is right. I know if i was in a relationship i'd find it a lot easier. But thats another problem, despite being out longer than him i've never been in a relationship, i find it really hard to approach guys in clubs (pretty low self esteem on the romantic front of life in general).

Also as for not hanging around with him, thats proven difficult as neither of us have many friends with a lot of free time (something i seem to have too much of).

magneticimpulse

I would also agree you need space from your best friend. The fact that you wanted to take your own life is really shocking and not very good for you health if you continue with the friendship. I think once you find happiness with someone in a relationship, you will be able to re connect with your friend. Until then I think spending less time with each other is best. You will just have to force yourself to meet new people and new friends so you dont rely solely on this one person! The fact you are friend because you have a lot of free time together, says that you are jealous when he spends that time with someone else. Thats not good. Please continue to take counciling. You might not see the results, but it takes a long time. Its a step by step process.

Bottle_of_Smoke

j-b-friend wrote: »

Everything was fine for the past 6 months, he subsequently broke up with his boyfriend and life went on. He met someone recently and the whole anger has returned. It's not really as simple as saying im jealous of someone else being with him, its that i'm jealous that he's in a relationship and im not.

You sure about this? Seems to me you're not over him at all. Personally I've only got jealous of a relationship when I want a relationship with one of the people.

I couldn't be good friends with someone I had strong feelings for, would literally go insane.

LegacyUser

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I would also agree you need space from your best friend. The fact that you wanted to take your own life is really shocking and not very good for you health if you continue with the friendship.

Well i dont, not for a long time but i did. It's not nearly as bad this time around as last time.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I think once you find happiness with someone in a relationship, you will be able to re connect with your friend. Until then I think spending less time with each other is best. You will just have to force yourself to meet new people and new friends so you dont rely solely on this one person!

Yeah thats really how i feel about it as well. The problem with that is though it's the same resolution that i made during his last relationship and the months went on and i never met anyone. Like you cant just wait for a relationship to happen so i think i need a better solution this time.

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You sure about this? Seems to me you're not over him at all. Personally I've only got jealous of a relationship when I want a relationship with one of the people.

Well i was actually into his current boyfriend before they'd met but i didn't have to guts to approach him. It could be that but i think i'd be jealous him being with anyone regardless. I think the route of all my emotions is just me pining for a relationship my own.

Relationships just don't seem to happen for me though and i just get mad cause he seems to fall into them effortlessly.

MissFlitworth

You can't be in a relationship with someone when you're still in love with or recovering from being in love with your best friend. 6 years is a long time to be in love with someone, never mind being in love with someone and having your arse kicked by them not feeling the same way. Get out by yourself. You won't move on as you are at the moment. You may not still be in love with him but you still have wounds that need to be licked - Let him go for a while. Leave him be and make a life of your own.