At a loss

LegacyUser

Iam at a loss in my life. I have a long history of depression. As a result many aspects of my life that would bring happiness (relationships, friendships etc)have been destroyed by my depression.

I struggle everyday, I cry every day. Iam on medication, but its not working. I was attending a counselor, but Iam in the process of changing the individual, this is because I feel I wasnt gaining anything from the sessions. Its soul destroying having to start the process all over again.

I constanly think about ending it all. I tried to reach out to a friend and explained that I was having these constant thoughts in my head. His response was, that even though he was sorry that i was having these thoughts and he would be deeply upset if i carried through. He felt i was putting pressure on me, and cant offer much support to me as he is busy. My depression in the past has caused a wedge on our friendship.

I do not get on very well with my family for many reasons.

I have some friends, but I find it hard to open up to them. Most of the time they are busy in their own lives etc, to even meet up nevermind talk. I feel iam being left behind, as most of them are settled and progressing in their lives.

I havent been in a relationship with another person in two years. Its not because iI havent tried, I have. Just I kept meeting the worst possible type, so I have been burned by that.

I go to work, come home exhausted. My weight has dropped. Ive lost interest in all of the things I enjoy. Iam tried of trying to get better only for the depression to creep in and wreck everything that i built up. I feel very alone in this struggle and I dont know how long I can continue.

before anyone suggests a listening service etc, I have tried them in the past. But somehow their is alot of comfort in talking to someone that knows you and you know them.I dont have that.

renko

Hi left behind,

A little while ago I was in a serious relationship with a girl who suffered with depression. I haven't suffered myself, but from that relationship I have an appreciation for how it can be. We are still friends and I know that our relationship was not the cause of her depression.

The first thing I want you to know is that she is now in a loving marriage with 2 kids and enjoys life as she should.

At her lowest points, I would try to get her to think of one single thing she would enjoy doing - not as easy as most people think when you're depressed. But once in a while this worked.

This weekend you should think of on single thing you would enjoy doing - by yourself if possible, as this is easier to achieve at the start, for example:
-get up and watch the sunrise
-rent a favourite old movie (not a weepy though)
-cook a new recipe

Once you've planned what it is, go through with it no matter how you feel. Then hopefully you can plan the next weekend with something else. Keep this going, get your buddy involved. When it works (it's not magic or anything) it gives you something to think and talk about, which helps when opening up to people.

Another thing - change your username to 'no one gets left behind'.

LegacyUser

Hang in there. I know how you feel from personal experience. Try and new counsellor and stay with the meds or consult re changing them. Try and Aware meeting check out their website. Keep a mood diary i think it is good to show you that bad days are often sporadic and there are just as many good days or more. Read some books on the issue of depression. Not heavy heavy ones but small practical ones.
You will get through this.

LegacyUser

Poor you.

That sounds really tough. I have bouts like that as well, though not so bad I've gone on meds.

The above poster with the advice about small activities and being good to yourself offered very good advice.

Try not to be too upset with your friend. I've done injury to friendships from leaning on them too much in the past but the friendship can still survive - just with boundaries. As for being single, I know two years seems like a long time when all your friends are settling down but actually its not, its an average time to be single I say, so keep looking - and yes, actively looking, just accept that if something doesn't work out its not a reflection on you. The law of averages dictates that the more people you date, the more likely you are to click with one of them and then things can happen really quickly.

It sounds like you're having a very hard time, but you are getting through, you are looking for better help. Give yourself some recognition for battling through this. There's a very nice book I read while ago, that described depression as 'the minor notes on the piano' i.e. the ones that make the other kind possible. You know that this is just a bad phase, and even though depression is always with us on some level, you do have a better time ahead.

Fiend-Foe

I used to suffer from quite severe depression several years ago, most of my teens up until 21. Over the years I was prescribed several different anti-depressants. Some of them did nothing, one I had a very bad reaction to and made the situation so much worse. Then I found the one that helped me. Not all of them are effective with everybody, it's a matter of finding the right one for you. You should go back to your doctor and tell them that the medication you are on is not helping.

I also felt the same way as you about counselors. I didn't like talking to someone who I didn't know. But like the medication, you need to find the right one. Try find another, because there is someone out there who you will be comfortable with and who can help you. Once I found the right counselor I was able to open up. It was very hard at first but got easier and easier and got more rewarding every session. Eventually it felt great to put everything out on the table and have a good look at myself and discover why I felt the way I did.

Finally, ask your doctor about C.B.T. (Cognitive behavioral therapy). Get him/her to give you a referral. I cannot stress this enough, it completely changed my life. Its all about identifying the triggers to your depression and designing an action plan that you put into place. It basically reprograms and rewires your brain and the way you react to different things and how you let things effect you.

I have completely recovered now, no medication, no counselors, no relapses. The odd bad day here and there but I can deal with them and not let it get on top of me. A few years ago I felt so hopeless and really couldn't see any future for myself, I was totally consumed by the depression. It was all I could focus on. These days I really feel great and the only regret I have is that I didn't seek help sooner, I went ages before getting help because I was embarrassed.

I know you have been trying, and I know how hard it is. So you are brave for putting your hand up and saying you need help, so many don't. You've made that step, so see it through to the end and beat this. Speak to your doctor about changing your meds and try find some you are better suited to. Try to find another counselor, hopefully you will find someone you just click with and you can trust. It will make a world of difference. And please please look into the C.B.T., I can't emphasise this enough, I am so thankful for it.

Once you sort out your depression, everything else in your life will fall into place. Work, relationships, everything. I wish you the best of luck in the future and I hope you can see that there can be an end to this, you can beat this. You owe it to yourself and you deserve happiness. I hope you find it. You only have one life and it should be a happy one. There are plenty of nice professional people out there who can and want to help. You won't be left behind.

RossFixxxed

Nobody gets left behind. I could not have put it better. You need to go to a professional man, keep searching til you find someone that works for you and NEVER give up.

You are not alone in this by any means, and there are many things that DO WORK. I can promise you that, but it takes time and patience and not being to hard on yourself.

Look stay on here at a minimum and keep talking, I personally will be damned if I let someone suffer on, if there is any way to help let us know here. PM me if you want. Keep at it mate!

In terms of CBT or anything else recommended to you, why not read a book on it. 'Self Help for Depression using CBT Techniques' is one (they're a whole range) it will show you how it works, what it does etc etc. within the safety of your own home. I think it's a good series and might encourage you to give it a try. Get to GP though, if you are in south dublin I found a fantastic doctor for this here.

Another great service is your mates. Maybe do something like the cinema, go see Avatar or something fun and forget things for a bit and have some company. Maybe resolve to have an evenign or 2 with them that is just fun. You can make yourself feel better and give them a more balanced you. If you need to talk you can but you're not always talking about serious things.

LegacyUser

Hey op,

I read your post and had to reply, listen I am going through very similar at the moment myself.. I actually even went so far as to plan and nearly go through with ending it (bear with me mods on this).. but have since realised that's not the answer, you are gifted with having a life to live and all that's wrong is how you think about things..
Have you ever explored with a counsellor what exactly triggers and is causing your depression? This is half the battle. Once you find a route to the problem then you can go about fixing it and there's nothing that can't be fixed..

Certainly if you're not gaining from your current counsellor, go to another and also please go to your GP as if they can't help you directly themself they will put you through to people that can..

I too cannot call those helplines, I just don't feel comfortable but don't worry there is something out there for everyone..

Is there no one at all in your family you could confide in?
Just one person, that's all you need.. Don't worry about the friends not wanting to know either, in my experience alot of people just can't handle being told that someone is so down they're contemplating suicide..
I have lost many friends through the years for far less
Do stay on talking terms with them and that but don't rely on them, they will come in handy if you're looking for people toget out and do stuff with..
Stand up and rely on yourself, things will get better..

My bad bad time only was a month ago and in that time, I have found so much help out there that I didn't realise, you just have to take the first step..

Go down to your GP straight away and tell them how you're feeling and the rest will all fall into place..
Good luck and take care of yourself!!

RossFixxxed

What the above said +10000 go to the doctor. It's the biggest step you will take!

Keep in touch, if there's any help I can give let me know. I don't say that as a great samaratin, I find helping others is helping me with my own issues. I ain't no saviour but I firmly believe that patients need to bond together. Who else knows more about these things than the people who feel it everyday?

THE most important thing is to try try try try and keep at it. Keep an open mind and realise IT CAN BE HELPED AND DEFEATED. You are not alone in this.

LegacyUser

Thanks to those who took the time to reply back, much appreciated.
This is one of the issues that I have, I really dont have anyone to confide in. The one person that I would have confided in the in the past which I mentioned in my previous post, he feels frustrated by it and it has cause many a argument with us.

My family know that Iam going through this condition again, but somehow they have not asked me how iam doing. I have tried to contact them about this kinda of thing in the past. But they are not very supportive and as a result it makes me feel more down in myself.

My other friends, I do try to go out with them. Again they are usually busy with their lives etc, that it is hard to meet up with them without me feeling like Iam a burden to their lives. Nevermind that I do feel left out at times, due to this depression and other things such as not having a boyfriend etc.

Its very draining on my self to have this constant ongoing cycle of depression. It scares me that this is my life so far over the last 10years. I havent forgave myself for the destruction that it causes me and others in my life. I do feel that somehow Iam being judged by people that I have this thing, while they go and leave me behind.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I posted above there. It's easier said than done but hang in there.

I'm sorry to hear that you're family aren't there for you, unfortunately some people just don't understand how horrible depression is and how you can get so low that it's an effort to pull yourself out of the bed in the morning letalone do anything else.

Will you go and tell your GP how low you are feeling please?
Tell them everything as in that you are seriously considering doing something to harm yourself..
Your GP won't judge you, there are so many people that suffer with depression..
Your GP may refer you to a psychiatrist where they will be able to get you the help you need and also make sure you go to a different counsellor and try open up, yes it's uncomfortable and not nice to be telling a stranger personal things but that's their job, they're trained to help you and it's all confidential.
I was referred to the HSE to see a psychiatrist and now I also have a nurse that comes out and visits me to see how I am doing. I dreaded the thoughts of it at the start but I found the visits are helping alot.
I am no doctor but if you're feeling that low and so alone, this will definately help you too if you just go to your GP and tell them exactly how you are feeling.

I have suffered depression for the past seven years and am only now finally getting everything sorted, ok I went through a bad few years but now I've sought the help and am taking the professional advice and can see the light again.
I know 10 years is a long time but it's never too late to start to rebuild, it really isn't.
I myself have spent so much time focussing on all the bad stuff in the past that I didn't realise I was only ruining the present harbouring all the thoughts inside and unable to deal with it all myself.

Sometimes you do have to reach rock bottom to get back up there and appreciate things so just remember that the only way is upward from here.

If it's a case that you can't get to your GP 'till Monday keep yourself busy as someone said above doing things you enjoy and that will keep you occupied and take your mind off things.

I know you said the listening services were of no use to you but perhaps AWARE might be another avenue to go down and it may help fill the void of having no one close to talk to.

Also keep posting here if you feel it helps.
But it will get better sure it's only been a month since I was rock bottom myself and all the professional help has really done wonders.

Hang on in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel and think of the last 10 years of experience and try think of that as a positive thing.

I hope I helped you a little,
Please take care and look after yourself

LegacyUser

I have an appointment for a psychiatrist, but that is not until sometime next year. I will be talking to someone on Monday to get my counseling reorganized. Its the thoughts of having to go through the process again is soul destroying.

I have been off and on medication for the last 10years. I thought it was going and I was getting better. I had came off the medication and completed counseling earlier this year. Then over the last few months I was frequently having bad days, which soon turned into bad weeks and now months. It has completely broken me, I have been trying so hard to overcome it. I really believed that i was over it this time.

Like you sameboat, I am as far as you mentioned in your first post. I have attended aware groups in the past, but I did not gain very much from the groups. However, I found their lectures to be interesting at times.

I know I sound like I am dismissing peoples suggestions for attending groups, helplines etc. I know many people have gained something from them. But for me I found it wasnt for me.

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

I can understand why you are keen to dismiss all the suggestions as I know from myself when I was low, people would be telling me to do this and do that, but it's so hard..

That's great you are going to get your counselling sorted on Monday, you should be really proud of yourself for taking a step forward.
Once you start putting the wheels in motion you know you're on the road to recovery and try not to get too disheartened if there's a few bumps along the way..

I would still ask you to go and chat to your GP again first thing Monday morning, as sometime next year is a bit far away for your psychiatrist appointment.
If you tell your GP how low you are s/he should be able to write a letter stating the urgency of your case and you can either go then to a hospital where you will have company, which may not be a bad option, or hand it in to your local HSE clinic..
If you hand the letter in to your local clinic they will then arrange for an appointment with a psychiatrist and also a nurse that will chat to you about general things and come and visit you to see how you are getting on.

I cannot stress enough how great these professionals are, I know it's easy for me to say but do bear with it and please go down to your Doctor first thing and say you're a priority case, your health is Important and so are you.

It's a nice fresh day out today, so if you can try and go out and walk somewhere nice..
Even offer to take a friends dog with you for compnay if you can.

Another thing I find helpful is keeping a diary of how I'm feeling, if you can't talk to anyone it's a great way of getting all the bad thoughts and anxiousness out of your system.

Do try and be positive, if you can't sleep maybe play a small hand computer game to tire your eyes out until you can go asleep and that may also stop you thinking too..

You're doing great and just remember things can and will only get better and you will feel so much stronger.

Please take care and mind yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for taking the time to reply again sameboathere.
Iam going to try to arrange an appointment with my GP for sometime next week, and see what support I can get. Its very hard to tell someone you have constant thoughts about ending it all, never mind telling them you feel very depressed.

Funny you mentioned taking a friends dog for a walk. I have a little dog here, I feel hes been suffering too in this, due to my motivation and energy levels. However, he is a source of companionship and comfort.

I just feel more alone in all of this, especially when I did try to tell my friend how bad I really was, and to have that feeling that he turned his back on me with his reply. I have taken a step back from the friendship, as he made it clear that I was a burden in his life.

As the days go by Iam loosing my fight against this battle

Warfi

left behind wrote: »

Thanks to those who took the time to reply back, much appreciated.
This is one of the issues that I have, I really dont have anyone to confide in. The one person that I would have confided in the in the past which I mentioned in my previous post, he feels frustrated by it and it has cause many a argument with us.

My family know that Iam going through this condition again, but somehow they have not asked me how iam doing. I have tried to contact them about this kinda of thing in the past. But they are not very supportive and as a result it makes me feel more down in myself.

When you're feeling down, it can be so difficult to think that people are turning their backs to you. You feel all the more isolated.
However, maybe these people have given you advice time and time again and they might think that you're not heeding their advice. End result is they feel useless because they feel they can't help you despite their best efforts. Don't assume that they're just turning their backs on you, are too busy or don't care. Assuming this will only make you feel low. It's adding to the load, and you don't need that.

Another poster talked about doing things you like....it's very simple and seems it wouldn't work becasue it sounds so obvious. However, when you do something you like, try to lose yourself in whatever it is. It takes a while to give yourself that gift, but keep at it. It really does come down to looking after yourself at the end of the day. No-one else can look after you as well as you can look after yourself.

good luck

magneticimpulse

It sounds like your really by yourself. Have you joined any social groups or sport? Language course, photography, painting, music? Something which will get you out and to meet new people and build your spirits up. I know just being "alone" can be the source of depression. When your out doing things, talking to people, it will take your mind off things. Your current friends seem quite busy, so maybe work on trying to meet new people.

How is your diet? Are you getting alot of veg, meat, fruit? I find being depressed I dont even have the motivation to cook. But its important to have 3 meals a day as your brain relys on all these nutrients to make it work in a healthy and positive way. Maybe you could do with a multivitamin, vitamin B complex. Im not sure if your medication would interfere, but there is also 5-HTP amino acid, which is necessary to produce serotonin. Holland and Barrett have some good sections in their shop and some vitamins are specifically good for helping the brain function.

LegacyUser

Thanks warfi and magneticimpulse for the replies.

Thats the thing with depression, your motivation falls to the wayside. Things you enjoy you lose interest in. It kills me, I look at my hobbies here in my room. I dont have the energy or the motivation to pick them up.

Making new friends ha always been a lifelong issue for me. I find it very difficult to make friends. When iam not ill, I can be socialable and would have a lot of people I would know. However, I always find the next stage to friendship a difficult one. In addition, many friends that I would have made in the past that I would have considered as close. Have all drifted out of my life due to them moving on with partners, life etc..

I know I may come across a dismissing everyone's advice. The main issue is I have been trying to get on track and getting better. Just in the last while it all my efforts appear to fallen flat. So now I just have the whats the point of trying attitude. Ok i know its not the right one to have, but when you have been trying so hard to put things right again and it fails. It is very disheartening.

magneticimpulse

Thats why you need to find a councilor who is good for you! They will help you get things back in track. Its a very long process, but one which you must take step by step. Try to set yourself goals week by week. Note it down. Like this week pick up the hobby you used to have. Cook meals. Try to build up a routine...write all of this down if you have to and tick it off when its complete

Warfi

left behind wrote: »

I know I may come across a dismissing everyone's advice. The main issue is I have been trying to get on track and getting better. Just in the last while it all my efforts appear to fallen flat. So now I just have the whats the point of trying attitude. Ok i know its not the right one to have, but when you have been trying so hard to put things right again and it fails. It is very disheartening.

My heart goes out to you. It's difficult to put on a brave face when it's the last thing you feel like doing. And it feels like such a struggle when you go one step forward and two steps back.

It's just a thought, but maybe you're trying to put things right that are beyond your control? Or maybe the things you're trying to put right are too big to put right all at once? Everything takes time to sort out, sometimes you can be lucky and it sorts itself out, other times a lot of patience and hard work is needed

LegacyUser

left behind wrote: »

Thanks warfi and magneticimpulse for the replies.

Thats the thing with depression, your motivation falls to the wayside. Things you enjoy you lose interest in. It kills me, I look at my hobbies here in my room. I dont have the energy or the motivation to pick them up.

Making new friends ha always been a lifelong issue for me. I find it very difficult to make friends. When iam not ill, I can be socialable and would have a lot of people I would know. However, I always find the next stage to friendship a difficult one. In addition, many friends that I would have made in the past that I would have considered as close. Have all drifted out of my life due to them moving on with partners, life etc..

I know I may come across a dismissing everyone's advice. The main issue is I have been trying to get on track and getting better. Just in the last while it all my efforts appear to fallen flat. So now I just have the whats the point of trying attitude. Ok i know its not the right one to have, but when you have been trying so hard to put things right again and it fails. It is very disheartening.

Hey op,

Hope you're keeping well. Yeah I know where you're coming from with the lack of motivation to anything and I probably sound like a broken record but that's where your GP will play a vital part as you will need anti-depressants that suit you to lift your mood and give you back a bit of energy so will will have motivation to get out and do positive things for yourself.

I can understand too how embarrassing it is to admit to someone that you are comtemplating suicide, but when you feel that low at this stage who gives a monkeys what people think.
Only your doctor can see your details and it's all confidential.

I was at the stage over a month ago where I just felt that I had given all I had, I was exhausted from it all and anything good or nice I did for people was never enough, but looking back, it was just the way I thought about things.

You should perhaps discuss with your GP cognitive behavioural therapy to improve your way of thinking.
What I'm trying to get across to you is that you are very important and you just need to go down a different route this time in order to get better.

I don't want to sound harsh but 'some time this week' is not soon enough to go to your GP, make an appointment to go and see them tomorrow as I know the longer you are like that the pain just becomes unbearable and don't be too hard on yourself that you have to seek that help. Depression is just as normal as diabetes or breaking an arm or leg.

You're going to have to push yourself and go to your GP as you're just going round in circles torturing yourself. You need the help of your Doctor now and you need to get it asap. You didn't get that down overnight, it probably took a while so the sooner you seek help the sooner you will be back to yourself and ready to go out and make new friends, gain more self confidence and not let the bad things get you down as much.

I have had many disappointments in relation to people that I thought would have been there for me, some very 'close' friends and even family that I took the time to confide in, not even sending a text to see how I'm getting on but do you know what,so what, they must just have other things on their mind and I'm not going to let their lack of interest affect my recovery and hopefully in a couple of weeks when you go down to the doctor tomorrow you will think the same.

Please please go to your doctor tomorrow and then come here and say how you got on or how you feel. There's a lot of good advice here and for every person that may not want to know about how low you're feeling, you will be surprised by the amount that are there and willing to help.

I know the pain you're going through and all I can say is from tomorrow take my advice and it will get so much easier as the days go on.

Take care of yourself, be strong, get up early tomorrow, if you're in work take the day off and go the Doctor. Mind yourself now x

LegacyUser

hello,
Made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow afternoon. Also the people from the counseling service said they will be in touch during the week. These people are a crisis service, yet they are slow with organizing these things, which leaves more feelings of frustration.

once again, thanks to all that have replied to my thread, it means alot.

For the last 10 years I have struggled with this illness, and I hate that when I get better, the depression creeps up and takes away the happiness. I dont know how long i can keep up the battle:(

Warfi

left behind wrote: »

hello,
Made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow afternoon. Also the people from the counseling service said they will be in touch during the week. These people are a crisis service, yet they are slow with organizing these things, which leaves more feelings of frustration.

once again, thanks to all that have replied to my thread, it means alot.

For the last 10 years I have struggled with this illness, and I hate that when I get better, the depression creeps up and takes away the happiness. I dont know how long i can keep up the battle:(

Take each day as it comes, some days will be good, some might be bad. Pay more attention to the good things that happen rather than the bad. It's easy to slip into thinking that all things are bad, but I'm a firm believer that there's always something good in every day (even being able to get out of bed and do things for yourself is such a gift.....(although you'd never hear me saying that at seven in the morning :pac:))

Good luck with your GP tomorrow....let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

hey people a update from today,
Got a script for a new medications from the GP. So i'll give that a shot over the xmas. See how i can tolerate the side effects. Hopefully they wont be too bad.
The counseling people got back to me today, they cant offer me anything until the new year. Ironic that they are a crisis service, yet they cant offer me anything even though I sought their help since October!
I tried to open up/ chat about my depression a bit to another pal, but Iam worried about opening up too much in case what happened when I told my closest pal how I was at the moment. Not many of my friends really know what I have been through in the last few years. Iam very private in that regards, I think its a fear of being judged for this illness.
Got some good news today, so that cheered me up a bit.

Warfi

left behind wrote: »

hey people a update from today,
Got a script for a new medications from the GP. So i'll give that a shot over the xmas. See how i can tolerate the side effects. Hopefully they wont be too bad.
The counseling people got back to me today, they cant offer me anything until the new year. Ironic that they are a crisis service, yet they cant offer me anything even though I sought their help since October!
I tried to open up/ chat about my depression a bit to another pal, but Iam worried about opening up too much in case what happened when I told my closest pal how I was at the moment. Not many of my friends really know what I have been through in the last few years. Iam very private in that regards, I think its a fear of being judged for this illness.
Got some good news today, so that cheered me up a bit.

You probably don't realise it, but you've made great strides. Opening up about this illness is a major step forward, you just need to keep building on it. I understand your worry about opening up, sometimes people don't know what to say or do (there are very people/friends/family who would be downright selfish/dismissive just for the hell of it). It's good to talk about it, but at the end of the day, it'll still be your decision as to what you're going to do to help yourself.
I hope the new prescription works out for you. Delighted you got some good news, makes things that bit easier

LegacyUser

Thanks to all of those who replied to this thread. I have been humbled by your words of encouragement and support.