What can I do?

bankrobber1

Hi,
I've been with my gf for a year and we are expecting a child but I feel like I'm being left out in the cold. It started a few months ago when I was working away for 4/5 weeks , She started spending alot of time at her parents house( we hadnt lived together long)which I put down to her being lonely while I was away but a few days I came home she wasnt there. Also alot of her stuff was moved but we where in the midst of moving to a new house so I presumed she was moving her own stuff and when I'd get back I would move mine to the new house. On the Friday I came home I found the house empty of all her stuff and I had a missed call from her so I went to her parents house to find out what was going on? There she informed me that I wasn't going to be moving in with her and our landlord wanted all my stuff out by the following day! Fastforward 2 months, I am living in a flat with a friend while she is renting that house we where supposed to be living in and living at home. She said that I'm not mature enough to be a dad and I have to step up. I have done my best, It's not like I'm a bad man but im far from perfect. I barely go out, I dont do drugs, I dont smoke, I always bring her gifts, I pay for everything wherever we go. I supported her when her family where arguing with her. I am at my wit's end because I have done all the running and she keeps questioning my ability to be a father. I am close to breaking point because when my child is born if i upset her or she decides I'm not suitable I wont be able to see my child. I am very upset over it because I want to be a good dad but everytime she speaks it is all things I have to improve on. Everything she has asked me to do I have done but as soon as I think everything is ok, she backtracks and questions whether I can step up. I really am at a low ebb, I also admitted to her I was depressed and now she has said that we should take a break because I wont be able to deal with anything. I know to anyone reading that this sounds pitiful, weak and that I'm blaming her but I'm just want some advice.I know I to blame as much as anybody.

Moomoo1

on the contrary, you _should_ be blaming her more. Unless there's something you're not telling us, you've done your absolute best here, and probably more than most expecting fathers would have done.

GismoBaby

hey op. your gf must by a psychic if she knows before the child is born that your not going to be a good dad??? noone can tell if you are or you arent going to be considering its not something you've done before... im presuming this is your first?

has she long left in the pregnancy?

what i would suggest is that maybe try and be a bit 'psychic' yourself and get a few bits for the baby to show her you can think about things the child will need. dont tell her in advance but you know like maybe buy the moses basket or a few packets of nappies if you see them on special offer or a few wee baby grows for when its in hospital or something like that and while your at it maybe get her some Pj's or slippers for when shes in hospital(cant get enought pj's for hospital!!!) let her see that she isnt in this alone and you can stand on your own two feet and be counted. Dont rub it in her face tho that oh here i bought this for the baby ament i so good just be nice about it. its the little gestures that will mean the most to her.

go to her appointments with her if she'll let you. Dont over do it just try to think of things before she has a chance to harp on at you for not doing such and such!

oh and get a pregnancy book does be some good daddy sections in some of them that will give you tips on how shes feeling and what to expect and talk to her about what yor learning!! communication is vital!

your the childs dad whether she likes it or not and she can never take that away from you and if she tries thats what thee courts are for, but hopefully it'll not go that far for all yer sakes.

best of luck, hope things work out for u

Sleipnir

You're not to blame, you're doing your best and she is trying to freeze you out.
You need to start thinking about what you will do once the child is born.
Will you be allowed to see your kid then?
If so, when and for how long?
Will it be only if she allows it?

You, my friend, need to start thinking about what you're going to do should that happen.
http://www.treoir.ie/ is a good place to start.

bankrobber1

The thing is I have got stuff for the baby, My sister has given me alot of stuff and I'm waiting for the Jan sales to get most of the clothes(she is due in feb) but I have alot of them already. I have tried to go to the appointments, I have only missed two and that was because she wanted to bring her mother instead of me which hurt me deeply but once again I didnt complain. I have bought the baby books and read them. The only other thing is her sister is a phycologist and everytime I feel I make progress with my gf a day later she brings up something else I have or are doing wrong. Alot of the time I get texts from her they are really like she has been primed and she now knows exactly where to hurt me for best effect. . Also from hearing a friends situation If we dont patch it up and she dosnt take maintanence then I will have to go to court to get access and it could take a year. I dont want to wait a year to see my child, I want to be there always. I dont want to be a two day a week dad.The reason I'm so worried is because If it goes to court a father has no chance and to make it better she has an army of phycologists and she now knows I am depressed so what judge would give help me?

james.xix

It's terrible the way your being treated.
Ye're either together or not.

She's been very bad. There's only so much you can do and you have done more than enough.

It might be hard but your right, you do need to break it off from her.

You'll have to be careful how you do it. Meet with her and talk. What ye need is to live together as ye planned. If she doesn't tell her you can't see how you can go on but you will support her.

Be careful with that though, don't be at her beck and call.

When the baby is born, she will expect too much from you and then deny you time with the baby.

Be prepared for this and keep your cool.

Your probably better off not rowing with her, it'd be what she'd want.

GismoBaby

bankrobber1 wrote: »

The thing is I have got stuff for the baby, My sister has given me alot of stuff and I'm waiting for the Jan sales to get most of the clothes(she is due in feb) but I have alot of them already. I have tried to go to the appointments, I have only missed two and that was because she wanted to bring her mother instead of me which hurt me deeply but once again I didnt complain. I have bought the baby books and read them.
The only other thing is her sister is a phycologist and everytime I feel I make progress with my gf a day later she brings up something else I have or are doing wrong. Alot of the time I get texts from her they are really like she has been primed and she now knows exactly where to hurt me for best effect. .


Also from hearing a friends situation If we dont patch it up and she dosnt take maintanence then I will have to go to court to get access and it could take a year.


I dont want to wait a year to see my child, I want to be there always. I dont want to be a two day a week dad.



and to make it better she has an army of phycologists and she now knows I am depressed so what judge would give help me?

what kind of things is she blaming you for?

maintenance and access dont go hand in hand, if she refuses maintenance, make sure you tell your solicitor. access wont or shouldnt take a year. once it gets to court you can look for an interim order of access to be put in place and if ye cant agree the judge will tell ye whats what.

The reason I'm so worried is because If it goes to court a father has no chance
fathers have no chance for what in court?

and to make it better she has an army of phycologists and she now knows I am depressed so what judge would give help me?
she cant bring anyone except her solicitor into family court the judge wont even let her bring her mother!

SarahSassy

What a nasty piece of work she is! Not trying to be mean but are you certain you are the father?

bankrobber1

Yeah, I'm certain the child is mine. I wish that it would sort itself out because at the minute I wouldn't be able to even look her in the eye. I dont trust people that easily and I know whatever happens the respect is gone and I wont ever trust her again. I can honestly say that all the stuff she did to me was with the roles reversed I would be painted as a demon by all my family. They would kill me but what I cant get over is the fact that she is doing these things and noone has took her aside and asked "what the hell are you doing?".I know life isn't straightforward but I would never treat someone this way full stop and it's hard to get my head around it all.

LegacyUser

Can you explain what she gets mad with you about or why she thinks you're immature then perhaps we can offer better advice. I can't imagine ye were just absolutely rosey one minute and moving in together and then she snapped for no reason. Is it because you spend over a month at a time away that she feels she can't depend on you to be there, part-time dad so to speak. I'm not having a go or anything just can't make sense of your situation.

bankrobber1

I was only working away for that month, I dont usually work away or had never before that. Also I was home every weekend so you could say I was just gone during the week. It wasn't all rosey but their was nothing to suggest anything of this magnitute, She would suddenly get something in her head and that was that. Like for instance she always brings up that I'm bad with money and she has alot more saved then I do but I paid the majority of the bills and I got all the groceries every week and no matter where we went I put my hand in my pocket so she wouldn't have to, Plus I have 3 direct debits coming out every week.She even had a go at me because she chose a travel system worth 750 that she wants and she wants me to pay half, which I have no problem with but I wont be able to pay for it til january(the baby is due in feb) and the reason was is becuase I have a service bill for my car that is 600, my insurance is up this month and my car tax is up and she accused me of not putting the child first, I dont want these things I need them. They are not luxeries, they are nessities. The thing is when her mother started calling around more when we lived together I noticed she wanted to spend less time in the house and while I was working away she would instead of cooking her own dinner she would get her mother to collect her (her homehouse was 5 minutes walk away) and her mother would cook her dinner! She told me one day when I got back from work that a house had became available near her homehouse and she wanted us to move. I was very reluctant and we argued, Then to keep the peace I relented only to discover that her and her mother had seen it 4 days previously unknown to me, I got mad at that but It didnt click with me that I was being pushed aside at all even though it should have. I agreed to move anyway to keep the peace because it was a nicer house allright, then we where talking that week and I said I'd move my stuff into the house on that Saturday because I was off which she agreed to. Fastforward to Friday evening I come home from a 50 hour week and driving and the house is empty I presumed she had moved her stuff so we wouldnt have to do much the next day. When I go to her parents house to talk to her she informs me that I'm not going to be moving to the new house and our landlord of the old house wants me out the next day, I ask her where will I go and she said" you should go home to your parents they wont mind". As for the part time dad thing I was due to go to Nepal for a year and quit the job I am still in that I hate and when I found out she was pregnant I cancelled it to do the right thing and now she is talking about the sacrifices she had to make mainly to do with her social life and college. It's really hard not to be really bitter but I thank god for my family and friends they have kept me going and I thank god for them:)

Shin Bet

i take it op she is expecting you to pay the deposit and rent on the new place?
if so id be very very careful youll be paying rent on a place that you may well never get to set foot in

i had a friend who was in a situation like you she walked all over him using the baby as leverage even though she wasnt fit to be a mother he was too scared to say boo to her.

first things first
talk to your family and tell them everything at least with them on your side it wont be half as bad.
then ask your gf to come over to you to talk make sure its on your friendly ground without her mother or sister.
and ask her straight out whats going on. make sure you prepare yourself for the worst because i cant see her changing her tune too quick.
after that id tell her you will be around for your baby and not for her.