So Sick of this Rut!

LegacyUser

Hi all

I am going out with my gf for the past 3 years. We have moved in together and are living together for the past year. Over the past 6-8 months I'm finding that we seem to have let ourselves slide into this rut. We never go out together any more. OK I'll correct that, We go to the cinema every now and then or we will get a DVD out but over the past 6 months we have gone out to a pub twice. The First time was basically because I threw a massive hissy fit about it. We had two drinks and went home because I could see that I for all intents and purposes had her there against her will. There was no conversation or no anything of interest happening. We have friends but she has met friends of min proabably 6 times over the past 2 years and her friends are all the type to come over and drink tea or go to the cinema.

I understand that people can have different outlets for their free time and I have tried to compromise. We have gone to so many comedy shows to bridge the gap between us but at this stage she does not want to have to make the effort of getting dressed to go out. I don't remember the last time that we were both in a nightclub together.

Our sex life has evolved to the point where I am trying everything I can to woo her but usually we will have sex every 2-3 weeks when I make an issue out of it.

We both met in college and things were great. I knew going in that she was not a party animal but neither am I. I basically enjoy socialising in pubs every now and then and also enjoy going home to see my friends (I'm from the country) which I have not done in about a year as when we go down together she seems intent on staying in for the night with my parents of siblings.

Were both in our mid twenties and on a day to day level we both work so well together. but when It comes to socialising or sexual things I'm starting to see us as growing further and further apart.

I know some of you will say that this is my fault for not being more understanding or showing empathy with her and other say to break up out of hand but that really is my last resort. My absolute last resort and I would really appriciate any advice anyone could give short of this especially if anyone has been in this kind of situation before.

Thanks for reading this I feel better even writing it.

Astrogeek

Maybe ye are spending too much time together?

Give eachother a chance to miss the other.

How about you go out to the pub with the lads and encourage her to go shopping with the girls or something.

magneticimpulse

yeah theres only so long the party lasts. depends what you want? single party life or more settled life. can you girlfriend not stay in when you go on a lads night? you might live together but your not joined at the hip. join some sports and things. if you are off out, your girlfriend might get out of her rut too.

LegacyUser

Hi Thanks for the replys

We are both doing college part time so we tend to have about 3 days a week where we won't see each other from when we get up to when we go to bed.

We do a good number of things but there seems to be a good few demands placed on us in terms of our time between work college and her family outings, which in no way do I begrudge but would like to spend some time with my friends also.

I accept that we need to spend some time away from each other but any time I raise the notion of not going to some family function such as a few weeks ago when I was very sick there is this pleeding and begging that I can't refuse because I know the sulking its followed by. Basically I can do the things your saying but they will lead to major sulks which will make me feel guilty for doing them and in the end not worth it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

have you sat your girlfriend down and told her about your issues with your realtionship? You seem to mention getting the things you want through nagging and pleading in which case your not doing yourself any favours.

Have an open and honest chat with her and tell her your fears. It sounds like you care for her and want to make it work but you can't unless your both willing to try and understand what needs to be reapaired.

Explain all the issues - time you spend together, time you spend apart, time you want with your mates and the sex issue.

If after this she still doesn't make an effort and you don't feel things are working then call a halt.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

You could be talking about my relationship, its so similar its scary, me and my gf had a talk about it just last night, been together 2 years, dont live together but we only see each other maybe 1 or 2 nights a week, and its always either sitting on the couch watching tv or going to the cinema (which she now says she doesnt like doing with me as "im no fun" because shock horror, i like to sit there and actually watch the movie instead of yapping away to her like her friends do, but thats another issue) she doesnt see the point in going for drinks on our own and our friends have very different taste in music and pubs so we wouldnt go to any trendy bars while her friends are the get pissed while dancing to Lady GaGa types, but yet when we're together on our own things are brilliant between us, we decided to at least try to meet each other on nights out in mutual bars and then go our seperate ways to clubs and whatever so theres some bit of socialising between us and our groups of friends, aside from that we'll just see how it goes

seahorse

This is a relationship that has really seriously gone off the boil. I think the previous poster who said that you may be spending too much time together has a point.

I'm sorry, I really don't have much in the way of advice to give here because if it was me I'd be gone out the door, though I know you have said this would be your absolute last resort.

Also, I'd have to say it sounds like you're the one trying to liven things up in this relationship and she's the one wanting to sit around the house doing nothing, so I don't think you have anything to beat yourself up over here. Sounds to me like you're half dead of boredom and who could blame you?

If I were you, and nothing I tried was having any effect, I would be seriously considering that last resort. Sorry.

james.xix

I think you should spen d the odd night or two going out with your mates.

Where are her mates, why is she not meeting up with them?

One of the worst things some lads can do when they are seeing someone is lose contact with their mates.

Give them a call and go mad.

If your gf has problems with that, she shoud start heading out with you as well and let her hair down.

Good luck mate, hope you get the buzz back!