Torn

LegacyUser

OK. Sorry if this turns into some long rambling essay

I have a boyfriend. We have been together a few years now. Most of the time hes a great guy and I know I should be happy with my lot. Trouble is there's this guy.. hes a friend and pretty much as long as iv known him iv had feelings for him

I dont want to like him. I try to find things that i hate about him and concentrate on those when im with him. I dont want to cheat on my bf. He doesnt deserve that and im racked with guilt most of the time just thinking about this other guy

Iv never cheated on anyone in my life, but i cant make these feelings go away. Im in love with 2 people at the same time but in different ways. They're both so different.

I suppose this is primarily a sort of confession - lightening the burden a tad. But if anyone's got any advice id love to hear it. Or similar experiences or confessions to share

Thanks for reading x

Wibbs

Difficult one. The easy answer is that if you love two people at the same time and can't make a choice, then at least one if not both aren't enough for you. The differences in both make up what a "perfect partner" might be. That's the easy answer even if its not the whole story.

As you say you love them in different ways. I'd guess one(your BF) you love as a person and a shared history and thoughts of a future, the other guy you feel the butterflies for and that thought of what if. You're more in love with the notion of the latter and love the former.

At a guess I would say you're together around the 3 year mark. Its a very common phase when things like this happen. You've had the mad pash phase and the getting to know you phase and you do love your BF, but something feels missing for a time. Enter stage left this other guy. He's making up those things you miss. Or appears to be. I'd also guess you're around the mid 20's age wise. The years with your BF have been very good all told but now you may be looking forward and thinking to the rest of your life and "is this it" in some ways.

I think when that transition time is not handled well or goes awry and it's usually both sides take some responsibility. You, wondering if this is it, him probably taking his eye off the ball and coasting. Someone walks into the middle of that and little things you ignored in your partner that you felt were lacking suddenly come into sharp focus. Especially if he has or appears to have those traits. If nothing else the new guy is exciting.

So what do you do? Hard one. You have choices to make really. Who do you think is a better future for you? Who do you think will keep that interest when the next few years pass and beyond? Now regardless of what you do, you will have a time where it will be emotionally hard as one guy will be on your mind. You have control over that. You remove them from your life for a start. Absence only makes the heart grow fonder for a time. After a while that will ease off as the mind gets bored of it.

My take anyway.

LegacyUser

Wow amazing insight!

You are bang on the mark in everything you just said there. Hypothetically, if i were to get with this other guy, chances are il find myself in this same position sooner or later. The trouble is exactly as you put it - is this it?

I am.. content. Probably more content than i would be with the other guy a few years down the line. But is that enough? I am very attracted to this friend of mine. And i know hes always had feelings for me too - iv just never had such a compelling urge to act on it til now

My partner is a decent guy and we have fun. I suppose it cant always be butterflies and excitement. But then i wonder what if i wake up some day long from now and regret taking the safer option. Hmm.

Wibbs

c_o_n_f_u_s_e_d wrote: »

Hypothetically, if i were to get with this other guy, chances are il find myself in this same position sooner or later.

Well the same transition time would happen anyway. That said you would be a few years older and less likely to jump. People are much less likely to leave a relationship in their 30's than in their 20's for all sorts of reasons. I would say this is even more the case with women. Plus you may not meet another guy like this other guy so the option may not be there.

The trouble is exactly as you put it - is this it?

Which to some degree or other is likely to happen in every relationship. After that comes the practical. I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but romance only takes a couple so far. Compatibility, similar goals, similar interests(and interests outside the relationship), security of a practical nature etc

I am.. content. Probably more content than i would be with the other guy a few years down the line. But is that enough?

Yes and the idea of finding out if you would be or not is exciting too. Content is wonderful. Not everyone gets there, but it isn't as exciting and excitement tends to equal attraction.

I am very attracted to this friend of mine. And i know hes always had feelings for me too - iv just never had such a compelling urge to act on it til now

And there's also the sexual thing going on too. Your current guy and you are going to be less active there than before. Like the content thing, it's nice, but again it's a case of "is this it?". That attraction and sexual feeling is what gets people to fall in love in the first place. Unless you know someone a long time beforehand, it can't be anything else really. You've probably met quite a few men in your life that objectively you would be compatible with, but have only gone out with a percentage of them. You were attracted to that percentage.

I may well get slated for this, but I would say that society has this notion that men are the more sexually focused gender. The ones more likely to be driven by that, be swayed by that and even stray on the basis of that. I wouldnt agree. Not to that degree anyway. While men may have affairs, or one off things when the bloods up, I would say women are more driven by sexual attraction as far as relationships go. They dress it up differently and they look at it differently. They call it attraction and spark etc. And IMHO they're more likely to leave a long termer over it too. Of course that's a broad generalisation, but it's something Ive noticed a lot.

My partner is a decent guy and we have fun. I suppose it cant always be butterflies and excitement. But then i wonder what if i wake up some day long from now and regret taking the safer option. Hmm.

To one degree or other regrets are part of life. Everyone or nearly everyone has them, even a little. I would try to detach and look at the practical long term value of what you have now. I think if you see the possible reasons behind why you're attracted to this other guy you may find a clearer answer too. Is it just temporary boredom with your current guy? That "is this it" phase. This other guy has just happened to come along in the middle of that. It's not fate or any of that. Is there a way you can inject excitement back into your current relationship? Is your current partner making an effort or just coasting? Can you help him change that for the sake of the relationship?

Now after all that you may simply feel that there's not so much left, other than contentment and a shared past. And you may actually go off with this other guy. If you do (and shoot me down in flames, I think it's 50/50 at the moment) then do it cleanly. Don't keep the current guy hanging emotionally. Dont try to make up one guy with two, if you know what I mean?

Dinxminx

+1 what Wibbs said. QFT.

Basically: You can't ride two horses with one ass.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I was in the same situtation as your self recently. I thought I was falling in love with a co worker and began to disregard my partner. Its been really tough for the last few months but I think I am over my crush. All the advice in the world wont help unless you are willing to put it into practise. Wibbs is very good and put me on the right path and although I did struggle with having to avoid the feelings I had for my friend I hope I have turned a corner. I also hope I wont lose my friend as they are a great person and it would be hard to lose their friendship but most of all is the pain that I know I would of suffered and would of put my partner through had I follow on with my urges for my friend.
Think long and hard about what you really want and not some fantasy.
Best of luck

magneticimpulse

Being content with your current boyfriend sounds fantastic!!! Dont get on the rollarcoaster just for some ups and downs. too many people on here discuss rollarcoaster relationships. yours sounds like one i could only dream off. i dont think you should risk loosing that happiness with your current boyfriend. many people would love to have this opportunity you have. sounds like you could do with a holiday, ski or fun in the relationship. night out ice skating. spice up your sex life, do something or try something new in the bedroom you have not done before. be creative. get the fire burning again.

as for the guy friend, try to forget him. its just a crush. focus on a celabrity if you want a crush. ive had "guy friends" and they had girlfriends when i 1st met them. they have tried to make a move on me and i brush it off. i knew their girlfriends so well. even thou they have split up a long time, i dont think i could ever compare to the girlfriend they used to have etc. i cant put the nail on it, but its just somewhere i would never go...ie date my guy friend. please spend less time with this guy friend. arrange things with some female friends if you must. i really hope things work out for you

LegacyUser

OP again. Iv been doing some serious thinking this weekend away from BF and this other guy and iv come to realise that what I have with my partner is special. We're both pretty busy atm and that may be why my minds been wandering. We dont do enough fun stuff together

When you really think about it, this crush i have for this other guy, its nothing more than sexual desire. And when you REALLY think for a second, what is sexual desire? Electrical impulses from the brain ? Some darwinian sort of gene survival mechanism ?

Its not love anyhow and il do my best to avoid this guy til the feelings simmer down. Thanks to everyone for all the replies and sound advice. My heads been in the clouds. I might have done something i would seriously regret without your help

May the force be with you all ;-)

LegacyUser

it's so hard isnt it? is it getting any easier for you? i really do not want to feel like this, I cant concentrate and I feel SO guilty with myself for having feelings for someone else when I know that my bf is the one i want to be with and i have a future with. If i thought of him having feelings for another girl it would eat me up and yet here i am admitting to it
It is a man from a childhood romance, my first bf. Typical! We are still friends and meet up from time to time, we are both now mid 20s. But have never felt like this until this weekend. My bf is abroad travelling at the moment and I havnt seen him in a long time... im trying to work out in my own head whether this has something to do with it. The last day i was with my friend, i kept thinking about him kissing me. I would never instigate that, nor let it happen, i would never hurt my bf like that, but i feel so bad for even wondering what it would be like.. or if i am to be totally honest even wanting it. Now it has started making me question my relationship with my bf, even though we are very happy and I love him so much. Do you think it could be just that i havnt had any hugs/kissing/sex in ages and that is the only reason? Or do you think it has to be because of something deeper. I know I do not want a relationship with this man, i just do not know why i am feeling like this.

LegacyUser

Hi feeling similar. Yea its tough alright. Probably tougher for you as your OH not being around is going to make the temptation that more tempting. I would say that him being away for so long certainly has everything to do with the way your feeling now for this other guy.

At a guess id say its nothing deeper than that. I dont think that having thoughts about another man is betrayal as long as it doesnt go any further than that. But then, im possibly not the best person to ask for advice here ! Maybe re-read the odyssey and remind yourself what happens to women who stray while their man is away

Or better still, if you could get the time to go visit him abroad that should help. It might just remind you what a great guy you'v got or else you might find that the LDR isnt for you.

As for me im gona do my best to avoid this dude, tough though it may be. I can feel myself getting drawn in the more time im spending with him. I feel thats the right thing to do for my OH and for me too. Good luck feeling similar !

LegacyUser

thanks confused.

Yeah i am kind of feeling that inclination to hang out with him again but like you I think i will distance myself. Im not worried about anything happening though, more like im scared/annoyed with myself for feeling this way. Cant afford to go see him at the moment, but he is home in a few months so hopefully then all will be clear in my head again. God i feel so stupid.

Best of luck to you too x

rizzee

Have a nice weekend away together, take a break and enjoy each others company